Iāve had time to think. Work out. Calm down. And let go. I know that the compersion I feel is real. But it doesnāt heal the loneliness. Iām surrounded by such beautiful people and I know they love me. I also know that the reason why Iām constantly around them and welcome their company is to keep the pang of loneliness away.
Then thereās my mood. I experience the highs and lows multiple times throughout the day. It teams havoc on my thoughts and negatively influences my actions. It makes me tired, withdrawn, unwilling to trust others, and incapabable of reaching out. Iāve learned the nasty habit of suppressing everything and then falsely thinking Iām better when Iām not. Iām just numb. Iām good for today but tomorries another story.
I can acknowledge all of this and release my feelings to this outlet but I wonāt share it with my closest friends. I get some relief venting on here but itās not helping me fix the thing in me that is broken.
The secret thoughts I keep are toxic. My efforts to deal with my issues and maintain a basic amount of happiness are futile. But letting go and opening up is like the most difficult thing i can manage. I hold onto it so firmly for fear of losing my delicate sanity. I know I need to change but Iām terrified to try. And the peace I feel when i do is so enchanting and surreal I donāt know why I donāt just let go altogether. I want to try something new. Now let me see if I have the courage to do it.
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