It howls

fuck jkr, I'm trans and the marauders are my OCs now. I'm an adult (32 y/o). Quinn and Mahni are most active on this blog, but we are several sharing this brain/life. I'm a disabled polyamorous queer schizo/lunatic. I'm passionate about mad pride and disability rights, and I think Remus desperately needs an arc to unlearn a lot of internalized bullshit.

[remixloonylupin]

Guess who got approved for disability pension?

Me. I guess you guessed that already but, ya know. I kinda wanna celebrate by writing something, and ff seems like a lowstake way to go with it.

But what about..?

I can't remember if I have ever shared the writing I have done for this fandom (spoiler: very little) so I just shared it. It's a self-indulgent wolfstar fic about a trans and schizophrenic Remus coming to terms with wanting to have a child (with Sirius and in general). It's kinda angsty, but comes with a happy ending (I think).

[remixloonylupin]

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, James Potter/Lily Evans Potter Characters: Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, James Potter, Harry Potter, Lily Evans Potter, Regulus Black Additional Tags: trans!remus, Trans Male Character, pregnant trans male remus, POV Remus Lupin, psychotic remus lupin, schizophrenic remus lupin, Disabled Remus Lupin, Traumatized Remus Lupin, Traumatized Sirius Black, Healthy Communication, Anxiety, Autistic James Potter, ADHD James Potter, butch lily evans, discussion of the effects of psychiatric meds, Author is trans, Author is Schizophrenic, Oneshot, nb regulus black, Trans Remus Lupin Summary:

Remus wants a child, and turns out Sirius does, too. That doesn't make it any less scary, though. It's not just that Remus is trans - and isn't it weird for a man to carry a child? - it's more that Remus is fucked up in too many ways to count, and life is painful, and who even gave him the right?

On the other hand, Harry is perfect, and Remus has plenty of good people around him, to remind him that he, too, deserves good things.

[remixloonylupin]

Sometimes you gotta log in to tumblr again to share some self-indulgent AU Remus art

This is so messy and clearly not done but I don't think I'll finish it more and I'm sharing it for the vibes

[remixloonylupin]

I kinda dislike the line of thinking that Remus being a werewolf has to be either woe be him and he hates every aspect of it, OR it's actually really cool to be a werewolf and he is out and proud, like ....

Both are valid takes ofc, but like something sucking AND being out and proud about it does not like .. exclude each other?

In disability theory Gill (1998) talks about the stages of disability identity integration. An important stage (the third for anyone interested) is called "coming together", and references the internal integration of the disabled and non disabled parts of your identity. Growing up in an ableist society, we are taught that we are good in spite of our disability, and we are split down the middle into good and acceptable parts of our self and bad and harmful parts. When we "come together" internally, it is a liberation and a rebellion against a society telling us that we should hate the disabled parts of ourself.

The final and fourth stage is "coming out" and includes living proudly and openly as a disabled person.

I very much do read lycanthropy as a disability, and in that light, as a disabled person, I object to the idea that being a werewolf has to be awesome for Remus to embrace that part of himself.

Ofc there can be cool things about being a werewolf, but they don't have to outweigh the bad things in order for Remus to face his internalized ableism and embrace himself as a werewolf.

[remixloonylupin]

Once upon a time a weremerman who lived in captivity with a fisherman, got a Real Merman in the net.

The newly caught merman turned out to have powerful allies..

The weremerman cried out to the strangers, believing they would leave him to the fisherman

Eventually the wild merman and the weremerman fell in love. The wild merman even came to love the weremerman's uncanny, humanlike eyes.

The End

[canis-lunaris]

So about a forever ago I accidentally realised I was trans while watching a Marauders fan video by my partner's cousin's cosplay troup.

Inspired by the experience, I took up cosplaying and immersive roleplay as a means of exploring my identity and recovering from some nasty trauma. The above pictures are some of my early days, wearing a wig and outfits I didn't quite possess the confidence to pull off out of character yet.

But still, I love looking back on these pics, because the cocky poses and sultry looks of my normally awkward, newly-out self (put on as they may have been back then), clearly foreshadow the trajectory of my mind's liberation. Back then, I didn't think I could, didn't think I was allowed to look and feel as cool as I did when I was someone else, to be campy and cringe without shame, to grow my hair out, cover myself in home-made tattoos and dress like the hero of a teen vampire flick, just because I wanted to.

Sufficie to say, I was wrong.

So here we are, an eternity plus 18 months of HRT later. I'm firmly in my 30's, living my best life. I'm on full-time disability, which allows me to teach myself tattooing and other things I've always wanted to learn but thought I had no chance to do... I bought myself a crappy old scooter I can ride without a license, and pretend it's a motorcycle. I have a home and a family that loves and accepts me, just the way I am. I have a brilliant therapist who taught me that there is no such thing as being 'broken beyond repair'. Life is good.

Oh, and just for fun, here's the comparison strip to bring this rambling the full circle... This is me today. Not posing for a character shoot, just looking the way I like to these days.

[remixloonylupin]

Hmm I'm not really using this blog much ATM.

I'm ok though!

Just. I keep forgetting to check it.

[remixloonylupin]

Hey! Nice to see ya back online! Hope all is well with ya!

Hi hi!! Thank you, I'm glad to be back! I've been ok-ish to be honest, as far as these things go! I think I'm in a better place than last I was online here, even if not much have changed objectively speaking.

I've been on sick leave and I really needed the break, so I'm glad it has been an option for me. I also started testosterone like.. a couple months back? And quit most of my other drugs? It's a journey!

Also life is stabilizing for my two live in partners to an extent, like one finally got approved for disability pension and the other is finally finishing uni, so that kind of.. frees up a lot of emotional energy and breathing space for the whole family!

Thank you for checking in!! I appreciate it a lot :3

[remixloonylupin]

I fell off the face of the earth .. Sorry about that fr. Here's some bathroom selfies to prove that I'm still alive! (?)

I have not logged into this account since last year and I was overwhelmed by all the sweet tags people have left on some of my wolfstar art... Thank you so much guys, it means the world.

[remixloonylupin]

In other news looking at this. why am I the most basic bitch Remus wannabe to ever walk this green earth, while my partner @wolfstar-therapy casually makes for such a genuinely cool Sirius lookalike?

I need to up my game...

[remixloonylupin]

I don't have much memory of drawing this, but it seems relevant to our interests and looking back at it i kinda like it so.. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[remixloonylupin]

Hey I'm safe, sorry for the concerning message yesterday I didn't mean to worry anyone, I just wasn't in the headspace to elaborate. I'm not in danger, I have a million support networks in place, it's just that I'm feeling really depressed and I thought I had an out, but turns out I don't. And that does make me want to die, but I'm not planning to actually die anytime soon.

[remixloonylupin]

I honestly don't even remember what I was so upset about.

I am ok.. for real.

I stopped taking antipsychotics half a year ago or so, and sure, it's a ride.. I'm really in it now. Gotta live my life and feel my emotions and work through my trauma and preconceptions and all that jazz. AP's were very helpful and necessary to me when I took them, but I reached a point where I needed to let the wolf howl a bit. Maybe try to make friends with it. Who knows.

The point is. I'm sorry for disappearing shortly after a couple concerning messages, that's kind of not cool of me.

[remixloonylupin]

I fell off the face of the earth .. Sorry about that fr. Here's some bathroom selfies to prove that I'm still alive! (?)

I have not logged into this account since last year and I was overwhelmed by all the sweet tags people have left on some of my wolfstar art... Thank you so much guys, it means the world.

[doberbutts]

So since I combed through 18k notes to block various idiots and clear trolls I don't want on my post I also have now a collection of black trans people and black butches saying that the exact thing I spoke about is what kept/keeps them from exploring their own gender.

And I'm really just debating posting them all in the open where people can see and understand and maybe idk listen to us for once or something.

[doberbutts]

[doberbutts]

[doberbutts]

[doberbutts]

[doberbutts]

More and more and more and more and still I get white and nonblack poc in my notes saying it doesn't happen and no one cares enough to listen to black men, black mascs, black butches, black WOMEN that this is happening to us so please just fucking listen to black people when they tell you they're suffering and they can't truly be themselves because it becomes fucking hunting season the second they try.

[doberbutts]

A cis black man challenged me in the men's bathroom at work and from his perspective I was either a butch lesbian or a black twink and he was not happy with the idea of either of those in 'his' single occupancy public toilet. He read me as potentially cis but far too feminine for his liking and certainly not Being A Black Man The Right Way. Even our own heavily polices how our community acts- what would have happened to me if he had truly clocked me and decided to do something about it? When other black people lean into what few privileges racist society allows them to turn around and harm those who are not upholding the status quo, when nonblack people simply laugh at the monkeys fighting, who do we turn to for help?

[doberbutts]

I saw someone vaguing about my post going 'why did you even make this post it wasn't necessary' and I think the answer to that is that all of these people deserve to have their voices heard as they cry out for help. Not all of these are men but they are still affected by the way society treats black men due to being mistaken or mislabeled for men. Their closeness to men, whether real or imagined, places a target on their back.

Why did I make the original posts and this followup? Because I still get white people claiming to be leftists, liberals, feminists, and supporters of BLM as well as so-called 'anti-racists' commenting on my post telling me to shut up because other people have it worse and black men aren't oppressed. And I get white radfems deliberately doubling down on their racism in response to my posts when I was specifically what I was talking about.

[doberbutts]

Black people literally crying out in pain and still nonblack people say this is not a problem.

[doberbutts]

Hey guess what I have more too do you think this enough black people saying 'hey this happens' before others believe us or will we have to continue crying out for someone to listen to us before anyone acknowledges the problem? Because we have many different genders and sexualities and shades of black people on this post and yet...

All the people who agree with me are white? Then why are there so many black people sharing their stories?

[doberbutts]

Guess who has more, since this post has grown I figured more stories could be shared. I've got another but I'm at the post limit so I have to reblog a second time.

[doberbutts]

🤷‍♂️ but it's only white people talking about this.

[doberbutts]

Anyway any other black folks wanna add to this? Doesn't matter your exact gender, if you've got a complicated relationship with 'womanhood' or 'manhood' and feel as though you had to choose one to be safe even if it meant not transitioning medically/socially or it made you hide your gender presentation, this one's for you babes.

[skadilokiart]

"Crashing down to earth

Wasting and burning out

Fading like a dead star"

Sirius Black headshot that I had a lot of fun painting. I think it's probably my favourite painting I've ever done!

We're going to ignore the tattoos being in a different place because I just wanted to include them somewhere.

The background was unnecessary but it was lowkey therapeutic.

[bebx]

Ao3 writers are the strongest Avengers

[remixloonylupin]

Hey I'm safe, sorry for the concerning message yesterday I didn't mean to worry anyone, I just wasn't in the headspace to elaborate. I'm not in danger, I have a million support networks in place, it's just that I'm feeling really depressed and I thought I had an out, but turns out I don't. And that does make me want to die, but I'm not planning to actually die anytime soon.

[remixloonylupin]

.

I want to die for the first time in a while. It feels heavy and exhilarating at the same time.