Carefully Reckless

Stressed, Depressed, and Self-Oppressed ~*Tread at your own risk*~

[renarooroo17]

Mini update I guess:

It makes me so sad that ice cream is one of my favorite foods... but it’s literally turned into one of my worst trigger foods. Like when I eat it, I’m already two steps up and marching to the bathroom and I fucking hate it. I hate myself for it...

In other news I thought I had it under control but I guess not, considering we are back to giving myself nose bleeds from purging so excessively. Gotta find a different outlet to blow steam, hoping maybe a gym membership will do that..

Also, I’ve been so stressed I’ve been exhausted and sick for weeks. And also I unfortunately got my period today for the first time in like, half a year or maybe more and I hate that. I don’t know why I hate it, but I just don’t like myself when I actually get it... Not sure about that one. So I literally sat in bed and watched food network all day pretending I did not exist.

And finally, I’m almost at a year from my accident as well, and still getting headaches daily. Which frustrates the fuck out of me.. it’s been a year and I’m still fucking broken, and not a single doctor seems to be able to help. I know that definitely has been playing into my frustration with stress and food... bleeeh.

Fuck. Me.

Time to try to find that psychologist maybe...

Slight positive note: I’m almost finished Christmas shopping for people and I’m kinda excited to see them get hyped when opening their gifts... it’s the small things

[renarooroo17]

And today’s doctor was actually upset with me about how much weight I lost in about three weeks..

Oof. That was a first for me...

Not gonna lie, I know how I should feel about it but I’m kinda proud. >.>

[renarooroo17]

Doctors annoy me.

Lost five pounds in a little under a week but my doctor today spewed a lengthy conversation on me today to be more aware of what I’m eating and I should probably lose another 20 plus pounds.

Like bitch, I know and you are not helping atm.

[renarooroo17]

And if nothing else I missed my collar bones.

[relatablepoetryandquotes]

“You lost all interest in this world. You were disappointed and discouraged, and lost interest in everything. So you abandoned your physical body. You went to a world apart and you’re living a different kind of life there. In a world that’s inside you.” - Haruki Murakami, 1Q84

[amargedom]

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”

— Haruki Murakami (via minuty)

[renarooroo17]

AbsOluteLy loVe thE faCt tHat doCtorS cAnt SeeM tO heLp mE anYmoRe. Not quite sure where to go from here with this one.

[mizgnomer]

Crowley’s Fake Smiles

Bonus:  A couple of full-blown, real, dimpled Crowley smiles

[neko-gifs]

/ᐠ｡‸｡ᐟ\

[renarooroo17]

Update:

Life sucks and then you die. I got like three people and my dogs which keep me going. I’ve been more sick lately, they keep putting me on more meds, no doctor is helping, they don’t know what is wrong, the asshole who caused all this is going to be released from Jail, and I’m just over it. I swear I’m gonna crack... I can’t do it.. and I feel bad bitching and complaining to the same people because it isn’t their fault but no one will listen to me and I feel so useless and like a waste of space... I’m just broken in all aspects; I’m just so tired... and so done. I don’t see the point anymore.

[renarooroo17]

[renarooroo17]

All I really want to do is curl up into a ball, cry, and sleep lately.

I’m so tired of doctors, and appointments. I’m fed up with new medicine and instructions on how to “feel” better. Exhausted with telling new faces the same exact things only for them to send me to see more new faces.

I’m just so tired.. and depressed.. and fed up. Also don’t appreciate expressing in 150% sincerity how tired and done I am with all of it only to be told I’m a big girl and can handle it.

News flash: MAYBE. I. CANT. 😞🙃😶

[renarooroo17]

Riding the food struggle bus pretty hardcore lately. Almost purged probably three times this week, but managed to calm myself down enough to think it through. Exhausted beyond belief though...

[renarooroo17]

I don’t think I have been so miserable, upset, moody, anxious, depressed, or exhausted before.

I’m TIRED. So fucking tired.. tired of dealing with the headaches. Tired of the doctors. Tired of staying positive. Tired of trying to manage my eating disorder. Tired of existing. Tired of trying. I get it guys, I’m broken. I just want everything to stop..

[renarooroo17]

I’ve been riding the food struggle bus pretty hardcore recently but I’m trying. Saturday (4/6) marks 90 days without a purging incident and I’m just trying my best to reach that goal, as well as continue on past that.

Last year I faltered and caved at 99 days without incident and I’m trying so hard not to follow in last years footsteps.

Which, if I may add, is fucking difficult as I’ve been riding the struggle bus with EVERYTHING lately. All I want to do recently is cave, but fuck I am trying my best. 🙃

Life ain’t easy. Ever.

Merp.

[renarooroo17]

nO maTteR whAt yOu dO.. iT wonT be enOuGh, noR wiLl I be eNougH. NOt quIte suRe wHy I stiLl trY buT yet I Do. Oh well, life goes on. 🍃🍂

[fleur-aesthetic]

instagram | gothamflorist

[renarooroo17]

Sounds stupid but looking at flowers/plants helps me when I feel so incredibly overwhelmed by everything...