One Thousand Cuts - Shin Soukoku (0-3)
You can read it at Ao3, but let me update here as well. Also I’m really happy with C+C!
Tags: Shin Soukoku | Gore | Blood | Blood and Gore | Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD | Developing Relationship | Coming Out | Angst | Fluff
0-3
Waking up felt like being dragged to a reality Atsushi was, otherwise, able to negate in his sleep. Even with the awful nightmares, build up on a mix of what he thought could have happened and some loose memory, that resulted in too much blood, too much death and very little control from him, they were indeed a thousand times better than reality. Because you see, dreams sometimes have that key about how you know they aren’t real, and how you know that when you wake up, they will just slowly fade away. But sadly, the real life was nothing like that.
And he didn’t woke up peacefully either, his head felt like cracking into two pieces. He pressed a shaky hand to his forehead, keeping his eyes shielded from the light that came through the curtains. His futon felt extremely stiff, but even so he couldn’t bring himself to get out of it, just rolling to the side and trying to sleep his hatred off, until a sweet voice flooded his room.
“Are you awake? I tried making you some chazuke since you like that so much.” Atsushi still didn’t look, but Kyouka’s tender voice and the scent of the meal drew closer. “I… If you don’t want to talk it’s ok. I will leave it here at the table. But please eat it while it’s still warm.”
He still didn’t reply, which prompted Kyouka to keep talking, her voice weirdly… Afraid. Atsushi immediately assumed it was him who was frightening her, and she was right to feel that way.
“Fukuzawa-san said you had two days off but…” Her voice trailed off a little, while she hold some pesky tears that Atsushi couldn’t hear nor see. “I know how you feel! I know how it feels, how it… Hurts.” He felt like screaming at her that no, she did not. That she was a hired killer since forever so she couldn’t possibly understand. But he bit his lip and kept quiet. Hurting her wouldn’t solve anything.
“So I talked to him this morning. I said I could handle your work and mine and asked if maybe he could give you a little more time off. So he agreed.” Why? Why was she trying to take care of some piece of trash like that? The tears that he had been also holding up rolled down his face, and his voice was barely a whisper. “Thank you.” Even so, even with his feelings about how she shouldn’t even be there and shouldn’t try to help him, his gratitude was still way too much to keep quiet about.
Kyouka’s voice finally came a little back to her old self. “I really have to go but… I will be back by the evening, so please take care and eat!” She chirped, before storming out their apartment.
A few minutes elapsed since then, and three knocks at the door startled Atsushi. Did Kyouka forget something? She had the keys though, so knocking didn’t make sense. He decided to wait, there was no need to get up, she could enter by herself. But the knock came again. He sighed more than he thought was possibly and got on his feet, going slowly to the front of the apartment.
Unceremoniously he opened the door. “Kyouka-chan, did you forget…” But instead of a short young girl Atsushi found himself looking at his partner. “I suppose you were waiting for Kyouka?” He said nonchalantly, waiting for Atsushi to let him in. “Why are you here?!” The younger boy could swear he shouted that, even if it wasn’t his intention. But looking at Akutagawa just made his mind echo with whatever he remembered of last night, and none of those memories were pleasant.
They actually hurt him physically and made his face contort into a grunt. “Are you… In pain?” Akutagawa arched his head to the side a little, Atsushi’s face triggering his words. “And… Dazai-san said I should talk to you since I was the one there at the incident.” Atsushi instantly felt like those words were trying to stab him. “No!” He pushed the door with as much force as he could, leaving a puzzled Akutagawa behind.
He dropped to his knees, staring at his hands, his head throbbing. Suddenly there was so much blood that he felt like it would never leave him, and indeed he could see it pooling around his hands, dripping to the ground. “Listen.” But Akutagawa’s surly voice cut him out of his trance and fantasy. “We don’t need to talk. But can you at least let me in?”
Some painful seconds went by before Atsushi slowly opened the door again. He said nothing, left it open and retraced back to his room.
When Akutagawa entered it he was already back into his futon, covering himself from head to toe. The older just sat next to the table, observing that terrible dish which the other loved so much. He always thought that it was basically a form to desecrate tea, but he knew better than to voice that kind of opinion at that moment.
“You didn’t eat yet?” Instead he asked. Atsushi slowly shook his head under the blanket.
“Can you… Try to eat?” How this ‘helping out someone’ stuff worked where absolutely unknown to Akutagawa. A great part of him actually didn’t want to be there at all. But since Dazai-san had asked, he was willing to try. And making sure the other didn’t starve was of course some of the basics from it.
However Atsushi shook his head negatively again. Akutagawa sighed, wondering why this had to be so difficult. He was really trying his utmost to understand the other, but a little help from him would be great along the way. “Sooner or later you will have to eat, so wouldn’t be best to eat it while it’s at least hot?”
Another one of those pauses, where they could only hear each other breathing and always seemed to last forever, went by. Akutagawa finally heard the rustling of the comforter and Atsushi sighing. The smaller finally took the time to notice the carefully placed bow of chazuke siting atop the brown circular table. He didn’t have to say anything though, because Akutagawa promptly took it and placed it at his hands, along with the chopsticks. “How can you eat that is beyond me.” The older didn’t regret his words this time though, he couldn’t think he was being rude by stating his opinion that way. Atsushi’s stare sure told him otherwise, but he left it at that, an irritated stare before looking again to his food and slowly starting to eat it. “I’m not used to me doing all the talking and you staying silent.” He stated after a few minutes of watching Atsushi eat.
His silence felt somehow odd to Akutagawa. It was always the opposite, the younger talked too much and Akutagawa talked the bare minimum. Still, that didn’t entice a word from the other.
“Are you… Still in pain?” Atsushi just shot him a puzzled look, waiting for him to elaborate. “When you opened the door. Your face. You looked like you were in pain.” Then Atsushi reminded. His head hurt indeed, but it was not worth telling anyway, so he merely signaled that no, he wasn’t in any pain. “Good.” Akutagawa resumed looking to his side, something really interesting around the floor. He just had no idea how to make small talk, or even worse, give any sort of advice. Of course he wasn’t a heartless machine, he knew enough about the other to imagine how much he probably was hurting. But every time he hurt he just had to get up and keep going.
He never dealt with emotions and neither did his sister. And he had just long forgot if he felt something when he killed. It was basically his everyday life now and he never thought about questioning it since his life was also on the line since the very beginning. In all honesty the whole situation was kind of bizarre and escalated too much in his opinion. Even his own actions were a little confusing to himself.
“Do you need anything else?” His train of thought was cut by that small, but also really cold voice. “What?” He turned again to Atsushi, who had finished eating and was staring intensely at him. “I think Dazai-san sent you here to check on me. You did that. You can leave.”
His face froze for a second, he almost felt that the person in front of him wasn’t Atsushi at all. He sounded nervous, cold, angry, all at once. His face was pale, his eyes, that always had that almost irritating glimmer, were empty. But Akutagawa would rather die a thousand deaths before letting Atsushi boss him around. “That wasn’t the only purpose of my visit.”
Atsushi bit his lip, before speaking in a weepy tone. “Then what else do you want? Or are you here because it’s fun to use your presence to remind me of what happened?!” His tears were on full display now, and Akutagawa tensed again.
Obviously that wasn’t the reason he was there, but just saying that wouldn’t help much and he knew that. What he didn’t knew was what to say to appease the other, while a barrage of words just wouldn’t stop coming out from his mouth. “I know you hate me. I know you are happy to see that you were right about how weak I’m. And I don’t blame you, I’m pretty sure everyone hates me and the best part about it is that I know how much I deserve to be hated.”
Akutagawa was really taken aback from those last words. The hatred seeping from them were way greater than any hate he ever felt for anyone, even for Atsushi. They could only match the hatred that he felt for himself.
“Shut up.” He adjusted his tone to be just enough for the other to hear, while his eyes were focusing on the floor again. “I said this before and I’m going to say this again: you already have everything but you insist on dwelling on your past. Do you think that what happened yesterday will take off your stamp of approval as 'someone who earned the right to live'? Do you still think that living based on when and if others approve of you is a worthy way to live?!”
Even with all his past and terrible situations aside, Akutagawa’s hated derived most from his own inability to deal with any kind of feeling other than pure hate. So whenever he felt, he wouldn’t understand, and the sheer despise from his shortcomings would boil down, again, into loathing himself. And now he absolutely felt way too much, so now was his time to just vomit a flow of words at Atsushi. “It wasn’t your fault! Do you at least understand this?” He was finally looking up again, this time breathing heavily in order to stop his mouth from opening again. “How can it not be my fault if it was my own ability that killed her? Obviously it’s really easy for you to say that, when you have absolute control over your own ability and everyone that you killed was because you wanted to.” Atsushi was already screaming from the top of his lungs, but Akutagawa just took another deep breath. He was indeed livid, but being praised by the other generated a strange sensation within him. Which he promptly ignored.
Even with how mad he was, he wasn’t there to fight, he needed to help him somehow but he realized how he was just aggravating the situation and losing himself in backhanded compliments. And that was really out of the point that Dazai made really specific to him. “I know you two will end up arguing, but I also know you can end up in good or at least acceptable terms. You are capable of that.” His words resonated at his mind, making him regain his composure and look the other in the eyes again.
“Jinko. Do you know why you are still alive right now? Why I didn’t slice you up after what you just said?” Atsushi couldn’t answer. He stopped screaming but now he was beyond afraid and his tears just doubled up. “You don’t know what I had to go through to control my ability or why I had to start killing. And that’s precisely why I should have ended you after you said that. You are absolutely oblivious to your surroundings.” Atsushi opened his mouth a little to speak, but soon cowered against his blanket again after Akutagawa lifted a finger at him.
“I’m not finished yet. You are so oblivious that you just can’t think about why I’m here, for example. I’m here because your dumb luck earned Dazai-san’s interest, and he asked me to come here, as I said before. He asked me to help you because he clearly values you in some way, but again, you just prefer to be oblivious about how much some people care about you.”
Akutagawa had to stop to lift a hand to his mouth. That annoying cough would always manifest in the worst of times. “So I’m giving you another chance. We don’t need to talk about what happened, but we won’t fight over it or over who has the most pitiable life. Are we clear?” Atsushi only managed a tiny nod, his face a mess of tears and snot, but he still kept staring widely at Akutagawa, who looked back, and gave him the most disgusted face he could muster. “Your nose is running. You are disgusting.” Akutagawa kept on coughing, while not waiting for any words from the other. He rose up and went straight to the bathroom. It wasn’t difficult to find it in that tiny apartment. Soon he came back with some toilet paper and tossed it at Atsushi, who just picked it and started cleaning his red face.
“I’m… I’m actually sorry for screaming at you just when you aren’t at fault for what happened…” Akutagawa felt like someone had just punched his stomach. That was clearly unexpected and felt weirdly pleasant. “And… Can you tell me what happened?” Atsushi was staring at him again, his hands folded neatly over his lap.
His face still looked like a sickling mess, but Akutagawa could swear something right there was different, even if just a little. “Yes I can. But are you sure you want to hear? Or… Are you ready to hear?”
Their eyes clashed, and Akutagawa could see the resolve behind Atsushi’s stare. “I don’t think I will ever be ready but… I need to. Because there must be something that I can do. Something right to do and then…” Now he was looking at something above Akutagawa’s head. “Maybe headmaster will start to free me from this curse.” Akutagawa reflexively looked behind him, but there was nothing. Just the same wall as before. “Jinko. There is no one here besides us.” He looked back to Atsushi, who kept looking at the wall. His face was way more blushed now, his tears back and his small frame was trembling a little. Akutagawa thought about what was wrong with him but then he realized it was pretty obvious. “Lay down.”
Atsushi clearly didn’t hear him at all, but he didn’t care. He was already up, searching the little wardrobe at the other side of the room for a towel. Because obviously Atsushi wouldn’t answer that either. Way to fast he was back with a damp towel, pushing the other a little so that he would finally lay down.
“Do you realize you are hallucinating? Or that you have a fever?” Akutagawa placed the towel carefully against Atsushi’s forehead. “Not really, no? I mean, something feels weird but it's not like it doesn't feel... Real? Like… You are real and you are here so I think I’m fine.”
Akutagawa frowned. Amazingly, delirious Atsushi could be stupider than regular Atsushi. “Ok that was a pointless question. How do you feel? Are you cold? Does your head hurt?” He removed the towel for a bit to press the back of his hand against the younger’s forehead.
“Hm my head is aching since I woke up and I’m a little chilly but the blanket will be enough.” Atsushi pushed the blanket over himself again, and Akutagawa placed the towel where it was before going to sit again. “Try to sleep then. And tell me if you feel any worse.”
He peeked to look at Atsushi but the younger had already turned to the other side. “Ok. I will try not to bother you. Sleep tight.” How could someone be so stupid and volatile while having a fever was beyond Akutagawa. He opened his mouth to say that he wasn’t going to sleep too but the breathing of the other was already heavy and he didn’t want to end up making him full awake. He was too much of a pain to deal with. Atsushi was indeed tired, physically and mentally, so he thought that sleeping shouldn’t be hard and would also help with the so called fever Akutagawa was so persistent about. He was still anxious and nervous though, so even with all the fatigue he couldn’t really fall asleep. After tossing and turning for some minutes he resigned to lay on his side again, because at least a little rest would be better than nothing.
When he thought that he was actually accomplishing something, because his lids felt heavy, he heard some rustling from where Akutagawa was. He turned as slowly as he could, he also didn’t want to drop the towel at his forehead, keeping the blanket at his nose.
Akutagawa just placed a black notebook atop one of his knees, and while holding and a black fountain pain with small gold accents, started writing without a single pause. The pen in special captivated Atsushi’s attention, because of how beautiful it was and how expensive it looked. Nothing that he would ever imagine Akutagawa using.
Usually he wouldn't act because the person in question was Akutagawa, but he was feeling pretty confident now that he thought he could ask about it without problems. “What’s that?” Maybe it was the fever playing with him, but he didn’t care. He sat, right hand keeping the towel in place, so he could look better at the other one and hell, that was weird and awkward.
Akutagawa was even paler than usual, and he looked actually terrified. Atsushi knew that even with what happened last night Akutagawa obviously wasn’t terrified of him, so that reaction was probably because of whatever he was writing. “Nothing that you should pry about.” He regained his composure really quickly, pushing the notebook and pen inside one of the pockets at his coat. “If I remember correctly I told you to sleep. But if you are already feeling better then I’m free to go.”
Atsushi looked at him in disbelief. Of course everyone had excuses sometimes but he never expected one so poor from Akutagawa. “I still feel chilly but… Look, like you said to me earlier, you don’t need to talk to me about it. I think I’m indeed prying… I’m curious about it but it’s yours whatever it is and I won’t ask about it again. So… You don’t need to leave just because of that, right?” He reminded to thank his fever for being the perfect cover up for the blush that he was absolutely sure he had right now.
The older just scoffed, his voice way lower than what it used to be. “Right. But when you finally sleep I will be off. Kyouka can finish taking care of you when she arrives.”
That made Atsushi remember something he was meaning to ask. “Actually… How do you even know how to treat someone with a fever?” Akutagawa looked up, sarcastic face in full display. “I lived on the streets for way too long and I have a younger sister, guess how.”
Atsushi eyes widened at the mention of the sister. He hummed lowly, bitting his index finger. “Oh, Gin-san right? That was her name if I’m not mistaken.” And Akutagawa shifted from his sarcasm to the default angry face in an instant when his sister’s name came up.
“Yes, that’s her name. She told me about how you all from the agency chased her and if it wasn’t for her saying it was fine you would have a fever in hell right now.” Atsushi was sure that he wasn’t hallucinating anymore, then the murderous intent emanating from the older’s voice could only be real, so he thought the better way out of that was to change topics as fast as he could.
“Uhn so… Since you won't be here when I wake up, can I ask you something?” Thus eventually landing himself in a situation even worse, if that was possible. He knew what he was meaning to ask, but now he was suddenly way too nervous for it. “If you wanna know what happened I will tell you when you are no longer hallucinating or with a fever.” Maybe he should pursue Akutagawa’s line of thinking. Well maybe, if he wasn’t the most sincere and stupid person to ever live, he thought.
“No, not only that… Can you…” And for the second time his fever was his salvation, because now his blush was probably way more intense, since his words crumbed one after the other until he could properly form a sentence. “Can… I mean… Could… Could you…” Akutagawa face showed nothing but impatience. Atsushi knew very well how much he hated when people didn’t went straight to the point. “Visit me again? I think I actually felt better after talking to you.” His last phrase came so fast out of his mouth that he wondered how he didn’t choke on those words. He just looked down as soon as he finished it. And for the second time in all their interactions he was oblivious to Akutagawa’s own blushing face. In any way he really meant that. He felt that the other could actually comprehend him even without trying. He could understand how bad he felt about himself because he too disliked what he had to call life. The fact that they were polar opposites that hated each other opinions was probably why they could understand each other so well.
“I will see about that.” Akutagawa gave him a small smile, which he didn’t catch because he was still focused on the floor. “But go to sleep now.” He thought about thanking him, but that would probably make him mad with all the time that he had already wasted waiting for Atsushi to sleep, so the younger just nodded, flashing him his first smile of the day, before diving into his blankets again. Atsushi didn’t know why, but even if they ended up fighting and screaming, putting the tension outside made something inside him, even if just a little bit, lighter. And for that, he was very grateful.
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