Whispers to no one

vent

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It's been so many years and I still haven't redeemed myself, I still have no idea of my way or true purpose or even why I am here except speculation. I've missed you, I'm so sorry you had to go the way you did, no one deserves to face what you faced. I hope with the coming years I can work on my redemption and be the boy you met before you left. -Storm

[sa2ha]

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May the bridges I light cover me in soot. May the impurities of what once was cover my skin and wash away with the morning rain. It's painful to watch the flames lick away at something that was once more important to me than anything, but that memory of flames is long gone and now it's time for the soot to finally be washed clean. I embrace the rain and new life and all it holds. May the soot that encased me fertilize the path I walk on and leave flowers in the echos of my steps.

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I'm so fucking tired of these games, you are worse than scum. You are so fucking blind to what's in front of your eyes. What kind of motherfucking idiot are you. Move. Forward. You. Piece. Of. Shit.

Obviously your kid needs help, obviously you're a shitty parent. "I'm a good parent and know what I doing." My ass, you need to fucking kiss my knuckles. God damn I wish this fucking family wasn't full of piss ant people. Seriously grow a god damned spine and stick up for your fucking self you pathetic waste of atoms. I can't believe anyone could be so fucking deep into your own asshole of denial.

1 that works does not equal good, just because I didn't tell you every day that you fucked me up and constantly reminded you not because I love you or think it's not your fault. THIS IS ALL YPUR FAULT. you fucked me up. I was abused, I was thought dead, I got raped. Twice. By men you invited into our lives. I was beaten and bloodied by men you brought into our lives. I was taunted and tormented every day, some days I can't even trust my own thoughts and you know why? Because it echoes the words the forced me to be around them, what could a kid do, run away and start a life as a child. These are just a few of the things you put me around and generally made my life worse, this isn't counting or talking about the things you yourself did to me, just what you put me around, now after that if you're still fucking blind, I can talk about the things you did to me.

Do you know what happens to a child when their hero shows corruption with no one to tell them it's wrong? They become like the twisted disgusting person they called their hero. I had no one but you, all the bad parts of me? Hey we're unnatural and had to have come from somewhere and after some time and thought I know 100% that they came from you, like malignant tumor you infected me and stole parts of my innocence throughout my life and traded those pieces away for what you wish you were. Imagine that, what you made me into hates you, with all my being by the way. You disgust me more than anything I know. Sad thing is, this venom is from you too. So I might just be using what you gave me, but when you look in the mirror again I hope you see what you are. Not what you want to be. Because seriously, you fucked up 5 kids. I out are not a good parent. We deserve better. They deserve better. You deserve worse.

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"I really cherished that... Physical bond we had, can we at least stay with that if we don't do emotional things?"

So after some thought this hurt when I found that secret story you based your life around, you didn't want someone who would hold you close and keep you from spilling over when your head got too full. You wanted a fantasy, something to get your rocks off. You wanted the perfect words, the right colors and a mind suited to fit your fantasy. I am not what you want me to be and that was hard for you to accept? That's reality. I am not a character. I am not part of a character. I am a person. I am not a sexual object. I am not your perfect fantasy. I hope when you fell for me and I caught you in a warm embrace you shattered against the ground when I dropped you for tearing at my skin and mind. I hope the storm I was you'll remember from all your life. I hope you learn to be kind and love someone for who they are instead of making them into some kind of twisted Frankenstein. I hope that you learn that even though I was a storm I was natural, I hope that after I'm gone you let flowers grow in those destroyed places that haven't seen light. I hope those pale patches grow warm with the light of a clear sky after I pass. I hope and I hope for you. Even though you tore me apart and made me something that was not me. I know who I am, I hope you know that now too.

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Acceptance and meaning, the things I wish I would've said, maybe I will

Corinne, I hope you find that thing that helps you grow in the ways you wanted. Noe, I hope you find that missing piece you're searching for and are able to accept it when it comes. Josie, I love you man, I'm sorry things happened the way they did, I loved you in a way I didn't know I had to anyone else, like a true family member. I hope I see you again in better lights sometime, I'll see you around. Ky, I hope you become able to let go of that past, I hope you find that solace you need and that peace where you can rest deeply and wake up feeling rested. Atticus, I hope you realize it's okay to take off that mask and show way you truly feel instead of trying to fit in, I hope you become comfortable. Jen, I hope you keep holding on to your family, they sounded really great and like they love you a lot, I'm glad you aren't in the past anymore. Ash, I'm a sorry life was so cruel to you and things got out of hand to the point that you couldn't fix it, I hope you find that peace you need as well. I'm sorry I had to leave. The people that took it out on me, it's hard to forgive you and I don't know if I can, I've come so far from then and changed so much. I don't know if I became better or worse because of it but I got a lot of experiences from it, I'll figure that one out later. Maddy, I hope you find a way to accept that sadness and can flash that wonderful smile that's there. Cole, I hope you find rest, you don't have to be all you are all the time, get some sleep you silly goose. Love ya. Oliver, I'm sorry things got bad for you, I hope they get better and keep looking up. Jonah, I hope sometime you are able to accept victory in defeat, a game is only fun when you are playing to play and not playing to win, I hope you can smile freely soon even of now. Diego, you are a bright light, don't let the opinions of others put too much on you, it's okay to show that pain friend. Pete, you'll get there buddy, there will be a space where you can live in your art free of pain and full of love, you are beautiful, embrace it. Mos, I'm sorry things got so rough and you had to leave, I'm glad we had those good times but I'm sorry they changed I hope you're doing better now than before. Cassandra, it's okay to be yourself, I know things were hard and you probably torment yourself a lot over it, those demons from the past grabbing at you every moment twisting you. I hope you find a way to find yourself again, but also I known this is a bit selfish but please, come back a bit more softly, our ears work alright, I guess I'm not ready to let that small grudge yet, but I'll get there too please don't stay one of those ruined parts of me, grow flowers through that burnt out building, become a beautiful mother again, try. Terry, or grandma, whichever you prefer. You have so much love flowing through you, you are someone I constantly look up to and want to see proud of me, I think that starts now. I know times have been rough before but damn are you strong, you are amazing beyond any reason and I can't understand and might not ever understand how you do everything you do, I love you truly with all my heart and soul.

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I’m fucking sorry I’m not the best and I don’t understand thing. I’m trying my god damned best and you can at least do the fucking same for me. God fucking damn it just have a bit of fucking patience. I’m not someone that’s trying to invalidate you or say you’re the fucking bad guy but don’t take your shit out on me when you realize I’m not fucking perfect. Honestly If The Rest Would Jump IN Fucking Line And Let Me Be IN Charge ID Leave All Of Your ASSES BEHIND.

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Are we becoming strangers? Or am I just uglier and harder to manage than you imagined. What prices are you willing to pay to hold me dear. But I have to ask, will it be worth the weight of my tears?

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“I want you here so much, but I don’t want to be seen with you or near you.”