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I am in deep s**t.

Oh well.

I am like that dog that sits in a burning house and tells himself it's ok.

But the clue is not to panic right ...

All or nothing

I am exactly this kind of person. And that's problematic in many ways. For sure it's not very economical. It's much easier to do things fast and somehow efficient.

When I combine my damned attitude with occasional slip ups in my every day life , we have a problem ready. Because I feel like everything is lost , and nothing can make me pick up things again.

I am fighting with myself. I don't want to do that like that. Because I will have slip ups in my life, and I have to get back on track.

Right now for example, I needs to finish this course to be able to speed up my career. I am really miserable at my current place. Like thoughts of my job make me throw up on Monday mornings.

But I am just puny human, so I do slip up. Right now I am having another day in row without touching the course. So the logical thing would be to start up again, because every step is important.

But I am feeling paralized. Like opening the course would be opening some bad chapter in my life, pulling the bandage off.

I'd rather stay miserable but steady at my current job, that work on my thing and change jobs. It's not logical, but very emotional and hard to cope.

So far I've been trying to put emotions on my side, but it's clearly not working. I will have to put my emotions off and just restart.

Some time later...

I gave up this place for a long time. Lots of bad stuff happened in the meantime.

Someone I care about had a health scare, I had to spend some time at wooden hut , with freezing winter outside. I got stressed and scared. I had job issues. But it could have been worse.

Appreciation section below.

I am healthy, all my relatives are still alive. I haven't lost my job, I can afford basic expenses, I have a warm home with family and pet to come back to.

Eh. Who I am kidding, I came back here because it's hard time again. I hate visiting my family for holidays. I see all their problems with my own eyes and I can't ignore it anymore. I am stressed, worried, I am sad looking at all this, and not very comfortable here.

I could do uncomfortable. I could go camping etc. But this. With all this I have this feeling of being worse. This is not holiday, this is just everyday life for part of my family.

When I was leaving my place on saturday, I kept assuring myself it's only a week. That it will pass, and I should focus on everyday tasks like I usually do. Well, it doesn't feel that easy when you're in the middle of this. I feel depressed, scared, and don't have much energy and motivation for anything. I just keep sleeping through my afternoons. Or watching tv like a lazy slug.

I have a week there. God I thought it's going to be a bit shorter time. It's going to be slight torture. First two days are the worst, then I adjust. It best on the 2 last days when I know I am leaving. Then I don't think about bad things . I usually even regret leaving.

I came back because its so calming to be able to leave it all here. Like cheap psychotherapy.

Going for a bath and listening to harry potter.

25th January

Don’t even start on me. I slipped massively on this.I keep up with exercises and walks, and learing python. And some home chores. And I watch tv, and do puzzle. But I just did not find time for this. And what I hate the most is calculating which day is it. So giving it up. I baked a banana bread today. Watched some tv. Had an irritating talk with my dad. Now I still have shitload of stuff to do, but its already seven pm..

UHGGGG

Day 43

Well well. I just gave up on this thing, but decided to get back here. 5 or 6 days missed. But first. TODAY WAS AMAZING DAY! Not only because we have a true winter outside, not only because I had hot chocolate and sunny walk. I woke up, and went to take the trash out. And saw books next to trash container. It turned out to be two great , almost new books about drawing! I took them home, and wow. They are so great! I am so happy I found it ! Weight in 72 kilos . Lol. My routine. I did 2,5 out of 4 planned workouts, and half of planned python lessons. Planning with my calendar helps. I am getting there.

day 36, 37

very busy

Day 34 and 35

My daily writing is not so daily anymore.

I still have issues with sweets. I worry because I will get diabetes If I keep it like that.

I do daily exercise but very short sessions.

I have to do something about study sessions planning. And how to keep my planner. Because it is still empty.

Day 32 and 33

Yep, I am behind again. A few things happened recently, and let's address it all.

*Work*

I got a kind of stypend for my coding course. I AM SO HAPPY!. This means I will be able to continue learning for next 3 months. And I am really determined to use every day .

* Food*

I tried counting calories for a few days. And made a few mistakes. First, I overdid it with sweets, caused a sugar level drop. And gorged myself because I could not feel full even if physically my stomach couldn't take more. Also psychologically it was not good. I had one day when I ate well, but felt deprived of food. I was full, but I was constantly thinking about my next meal.

I don't know, maybe I should persist a week or two, and it would get normal. But I won't be cauting calories for long anyway. So I gave it up.

Interesting thing came up when I looked at my macros. Turns out, getting enough protein is not that hard. Even on days when I had eggs and chicken and cheese, I would still get max 20 percent.

*Exercise*

Its really hard these days to get enough steps. My smartwatch has broken band, and it's Soo cold. I got myself a pair of dumbbells and I try to do something everyday.

Day 31

Oh but I did. I did bite into a cheese and many other stuff. It all started in the morning, when I ate a few plums in chocolate. They were delicious but caused a sugar blood level spike. I ate them around 12pm, but was hungry till the evening.

I must have had 3000 cals. Also when I analise my stats in my food app, I usually have 40 percent carbs, 40 percent fat, and 20 percent protein, which is just not okay.

Day 30

Yaaaaay

Actually I am pretty happy that I’ve been writing for 30 days. It really like it. I am just super tired. And feeling even worse when I think of all things I did not do today.

I just cant get myself to code. And I know it too well. I will have to force myself or it will never start. I also should make better use of my calendar. Because guess what, still have not touched it. I counted callories today. I did 2100 today, which is acceptable. I had a first meal at 12pm, and did not have much time for next 4 hours. Which alllowed me to have filling dinner and a sweet. I dont know how it would go should I had time. I am using fat secret for calorie counting. Its pretty ok plus I dont want to distract myself by searching for a perfect app. I have 20 mins of working out to do, and shower. And one more episode of shadowhunters. And sleep.

day 29

I counted 3 days of my food logs. I had one 3500kcal day, one 2500 kcal day, and one 1900. So I guess thats why I am not loosing weight.

I guess I will have to use it more often. Maybe one week of using the app. Because the exercise alone wont make it. I am going to go enjoy the rest of the weekend.

Day 28

I did my budget yesterday, and I already know my 10k savings goal might be hard to accomplish. But not changing anything. I am doing mixed workouts this week, nothing too complicated, just to warm up after holidays. I am also going to count calories from the two week notes I did before holidays, I wonder how it comes out. I just need some app or website to maybe count it faster.

I came across a quote that I think might be my main help throught first 3 months:

“It’s going to get worse before it gets better”

Day 27

And New Year is here. I still fill like it’s 2020 though.. I already lost all the excitement about new year resolutions, if I ever had any. Just sitting on the sofa and enjoying long weekend.

I got this new pretty callendar/planner for a whole year. I want it to help me with keeping up my routines.It has monthly planning pages, a coral red cover, and blue sea-horses on some of the pages. I plan to maybe write down my goals for next year. Fitness goals

I want to stay active and push down the weight at the end. I like the daily challenges, I think I will introduce themed weekly challenges. And I like to pretend I am a demon huntress and need to train to keep my reflexes sharp :P

Day 26 (New Years Eve)

My New Year’s Eve was pretty cool. I finished work early. I went to get some errands. And when I was coming home through the park, a really magical moment happened. I came by the pond in the park, and there was no-one but me. And there was a full moon. And a little below zero, because the grass was crunching under my feet. I was standing there, watching at this huge moon, and listening to the city sounds. It almost felt like time stopped, or like I was In some kind of a limbo. I regret not having a good camera to catch this moment on tape. And then I had a nice evening with french white wine and in a good company. I have to get down to starting on my new diary. And the rest of the wine

Day 25

My financial goals

I intend to save up some money this year. I have a goal (10k) and I am motivated to stick to it. Of course there is also a question of whether I am planning any major expenses, because then I might spend rather than save some of that money. But will see. Step one: wish list

I want to write down all medium/ big stuff I really need. Everything from new socks to holidays. And dont buy anything outside of this list hopefully.

Step two: budget

I usually do a monthly budget, so will try to stick with it. Last six months were kind of done without it.

Step 3: keep eating out in check

Step 4: be a pesimist I try to budget for the most negative scenario. And push money to savings if I manage to avoid those expenses.

Day 23 and 24

Ups, I am 2 days behind I think . Last 3 days of my leave , I was actually pretty good. I was watching my favorite tv series, we started homeland with my dad. I slept in warm kitchen with twinkling lights in the window. It was really cosy. Last two days were also pretty sunny. So I used that and went wood chomping. It;s really the best. You get to exercise stomach and arm muscles. You got to destress, and take your negative emotions on blows. And you got to meditate, or listen to audiobook. I wish I could do it everyday. And did I mention we had snow durng first day of christmas? Large cloud came over my house, and there was mini snow storm. Large chunks of snow flying around. It was as much magical as it could get. I know I am mostly positive about it, because I am leaving already, but still. I am gratefull I could meet my parents. and spend a few wonderfull days. Then my dad got burned by a hot water heater. I hope it will heal fast, he’s got diabetes and I worry about him.

Day 22

I think I missed a note yesterday. I am quite comfortable here. Maybe because I know I leave the day after tomorrow.

I don't know, there is something magical in getting into bed when your are tired and cold. Oh, and I have a room only to myself which is a rare treat for me.

My stomach started working again, maybe it won't go crazy on me , like it always does after Christmas. Last year I had cramps for like two weeks straight.

I was to mention my goals. For future, for next year. I am tired , but ok. My one goal is to try new things. I am not sure about my career. I chose tech because I can't afford having low paid job. My parents won't support me.

But honestly, how would it be if I were interior designer, or a doctor, or an actress. How would it be to be be good at something, and be happy and rich doing it.

I won't become an actress probably, but I want to try with interior design, maybe game design. Or stuff

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