Iāve been lax with my journal entries for awhile now. Likely because I have not had the motivation; Iāve not had the motivation to do much of anything for months, in all honesty. Iāve gotten medicated for my recent battle with depression and itās helping. Iāve known apathy for awhile, but now I am apathetic about my apathy, so thatās progress I guess. I need to work through a lot, still.
Ā I donāt have very many friends left. Not that I had many to begin with. My fear of becoming too close, coupled with a healthy dose of asociality and avoidance on my part, has caused a few close friends to move on. Ironically, being too close has led me to lose most of the others. I really suck at being social. Iām either too distant or too clingy, it seems.
Iāve always held my insecurities close, but this all has really led me to look at myself and scrutinize closer than I have been. Which is probably unhealthy, all in all. Iām often good at ignoring those problems or trying to look at them from an objective angle, but they weigh heavily on my chest as I try to sleep in the deepest parts of the night. I have a lot of insecurities about myself, but the lack of security in my relationships has reinforced a lot of that. I try to hide all that with laughter, with stories, with trying to be knowledgeable. I figure if I can impress with my wit and my intelligence, then they wonāt see or will ignore my faults.
Maybe Iām just being depressing. It doesnāt seem to be a big deal or topic of conversation with the few friends I have, so maybe Iām just being negative and whiny. Well, I know I am. Itās not like they can do anything besides telling me that my recent situation sucks.
I went through a period of time where I considered myself asexual and aromantic. It was when the depression was really bad and when there were a lot of... outside factors going on. Iāve recently amended that upon my improved (subjective) mood, as I consider myself demisexual and panromantic. I appreciate beauty both inside and out, but I often donāt have any kind of sexual inclination until I become deeply attached to a person. As I have learned quite harshly.
I looked back at my earlierĀ ālabelsā and wondered why I was so adamant about them at the time. It dawned on me that I think I was using them as something of a self-fulfilling prophecy. I was convinced that I was going to end up alone, that I was destined to be alone, so it was much easier to make peace with it by saying that it was what I was comfortable with, than admitting that it hurt and scared me as much as it did. Ignoring my own pain and fear by telling myself that itās what I wanted did not, in fact, help.
On a less horribly depressing note, Iāve gotten a few new housemates since my last update. Fjara has grown from an adorable kitten to a still-adorable kitty; she is as chatty and sassy as ever. A spider has made itself a home on my balcony and is challenging my arachnophobia on a daily basis. I have dubbed him Spider-san and he seems to be a right gentleman. He has even forgiven me for trying to squish him upon our first encounter. And most recently, after an impromptu adventure, I came into possession of a silkie chicken that I have taken to calling Sir Clucks. He has taken up residence on my roof and has caught Fjaraās ire with his early morning wake-up calls.Ā
Iāve been trying to stay busy lately. I have taken up playing music again, as it, like writing, gives me a creative and beautiful outlet. Itās all storytelling, really. Work at the library goes as normal; the downtime gives me plenty of opportunity to pour into my hobbies.
I feel my eyes growing heavy. With any luck, my next entry will be less reflective and more exciting.
gamechangershow
2087
blakekathryn
kianamaiart
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