Because of the power imbalance and the orgasm gap and the natural health and reproductive consequences for women - the bar for hetero sex must be much higher than just consent.
Considering that we live in a society, where pornography is highly normalised and a woman grows up learning about sex based on a very toxic concept that’s aimed at breaking her self esteem and taking away her feeling of security, bodily autonomy, and pleasure - considering all this, can we justify consent being a leeway for a lot of dehumanising and harmful things men do to women in bed? Feminists know, that just because women make some choices wilfully it doesn’t negate the fact that these choices aren’t made in a vacuum. I wonder: when you learn from the very young age that it’s hot and desirable for women to be either visibly and audibly in pain during sex or simply being a joyless and emotionless object for male satisfaction, - can you say your sexual preference are free and healthy and are not formed by the culture that rewards male pleasure and punishes female’s? Knowing, that no man ever views your preferences and desires as his main priority in sex, can you really insist that engaging in an act of that nature is fully neutral and not harmful or self-sabotaging in any way?
Since almost all of us grew to view sex as something that begins and ends with a penis (ironically, even or especially in women-oriented media) - even when we talk about the most respectful and attentive sexual interaction between a man and a woman, - can we, looking at it through a feminist lens, view it as an act done by two completely equally empowered actors? This is just a question, of course.
What I’m leading to is that as long as women are conditioned and pressured to like and enjoy bad or hurtful sex, consent to it is a cheap concept not worth a sou. It’s extremely important, don’t get me wrong, but as long as we as society treats it as some sort of magic pill that eliminates all kinds of issues women face in hetero sex it will never be enough in my eyes.
While mediocre, boring, uncomfortable, bad and painful sex remains the status quo in our society, we can’t afford to call hetero sex a neutral act that has no negative connotation and consequences for women. Because while men get to have their every wish and desire catered in bed, most women don’t even experience the pleasure of having their organ specifically designed for orgasms stimulated the right way!
As long as hetero sex is used by men to punish, hurt and rape women; as long as the language around hetero sex is built on the concept of male dominance, pleasure and pressure (“to break her”, “to screw her”); as long as all the sexual practices expected from women would rather be considered derogatory for men; as long as women in heterosexual relationships don’t have at least one orgasm per intercourse - we can never say that sex with men is a neutral act in itself.
Until the concept of hetero sex centres a woman’s pleasure, her comfort, her desires and her orgasm as the main focus and outcome of a sexual act - we can’t call it neutral and I wonder if we ever will.
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