Two feet and a heartbeat

SLIGHTLY BRUISED AND BROKEN. Nicely not giving a fuck. I cry a lot over fictional characters. I don't really know what I'm doing.

[restsbetweennotes]

New Beginnings

As of today, January 1, 2020, I am officially unemployed. It’s not ideal, but it is a choice I made with the help of my doctor and my family. It’s not permanent. I am actively searching for a job. 

I knew when I went on stress leave in October that it was highly unlikely I would return to my job. I was using the time to untangle a lot of things going on inside my head. My doctor prescribed Zoloft to help with the anxiety, which has done worlds of good for me. And I was keeping an eye out for job opportunities. Unfortunately, it wasn’t really the best time of year to be looking, being so close to the holidays and all.

I was also using that time to think about what I want. I’m not sure completely sure yet, but I’m starting to figure it out and that feels kind of nice. I feel hopeful. That’s something I haven’t felt in a very long time.

[restsbetweennotes]

I got a Migraine Hat for Christmas so now I can wrap an ice pack around my throbbing head. Looks dumb but feels like heaven. I love it.

[montereybayaquarium]

Sunset

[restsbetweennotes]

I got a completely unexpected check from my old health insurance company. It came with an explanation of benefits that offered no explanation whatsoever other than "member reimbursement." Reimbursement for what? So I called and asked and they said I overpaid on my deductible. I know that I didn't at least no in the amount that they sent me. There's no way I could have. But at what point are you an idiot for arguing about money being given to you?

And besides, this is really nice because I currently don't have an income and I recently got a bill for my visit to the emergency room last month. Timing is everything.

[restsbetweennotes]

Can’t stay away from this place. (at Pacific Grove, California)

[restsbetweennotes]

Feeling a little witchy...

[glowwormcentral-deactivated2021]

[lawyer voice] mothers and fuckers of the jury-

[hellenhighwater]

DO YOU KNOW HOW OFTEN I THINK ABOUT THIS POST??? IM IN LAW SCHOOL THIS POST IS GOING TO RUIN MY LIFE

[toontwink]

reblog to ruin a law student’s life

[restsbetweennotes]

My work friend texted to check in on me this morning and let me know that people are saying things they shouldn't be saying. I mean, the truth is I have no intention of going back there ever, approved leave or not. But that's some garbage. Nothing is approved yet. If anything, they should be saying that my return date is currently undetermined.

Also, this time off to relax has been anything but relaxing. Since I've been forced to request a leave from work and use FMLA, it's been some new shit every day.

Also, also I live pretty close to where I work and I had to drive there the other day when I taking my sister somewhere and just driving by made my stomach hurt. I wasn't even going there. I wasn't even by myself. But just being near that place made me feel sick.

So anyway, I'm going to see me doctor in a little bit and I guess we're going to talk about all of this. I'm going to try really hard not to cry this time.

[restsbetweennotes]

"When my heart is ready to burst, when the world spins in reverse, I'll keep running to the place where I belong." (at Pacific Grove, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/B3noEs5Fd9N/?igshid=1psnifn40n5i9

[restsbetweennotes]

It's my second day being off work due to stress and anxiety and it's also the second day that someone from work has called me. I have not answered either time. I need them to just fucking leave me alone.

But it turns out I have to request a leave of absence. Apparently that it is company policy. I don't know at what point a doctor can no longer excuse you from work. So this time off to stop stressing is just being filled with more stress. It's fucking fantastic. I'm having a great time.

I called and filed the claim today but I decided that I'm waiting until Monday to go to my doctor's office to drop off the form that needs to be filled out. I'm fucking tired, you guys. I'm so tired. As someone who has been tired for a long time, I didn't know a person could be this tired.

[restsbetweennotes]

I went and saw my doctor today. I started crying almost as soon as I started telling her what was going on. About how I feel sick when I wake up in the morning and it gets worse when I'm driving to work. And that I want to cry every day at work. And that I tried to talk to my supervisor about the problem and she just brushed it off. I hate crying in front of people. I apologized to her.

She asked me to remind her what I do and I told her I'm and administrative assistant and that it shouldn't be this bad. She told me not to say that. She said stress is a feeling brought on when we have too many responsibilities and not enough resources. She started asking me questions about the company I work for and how long I've been there and if I see myself there long term. I told her I am looking to leave.

She asked me what I was looking for. Did I want therapy? Medication? I told her I didn't know. I started crying again and I said the only thing I could think of. I told her I just knew I didn't want to go back there. After I got myself together, I asked her, with what I had told her about the situation, if she thought medication would help, at least for the short term while I'm looking for a new job.

She said she wants to hold off on meds, which is great. I don't really want any more meds if they aren't absolutely necessary. She said she's going to take me out of work for a week. During that week, she wants me to get some sleep, spend time with friends, eat well, do things that are good for me. Take care of myself. Then in a week, go back and see her and we will reassess, talk about possible meds if necessary. She said she is willing to put me on FMLA while I look for a new job if that's what we need to do, and that she thinks it's absolutely for the best that I get out of there.

So that's it. Out for at least a week. Doctor's orders.

[restsbetweennotes]

I sent an email to my supervisor today asking for guidance on the proper way to do something she was asking me to do because it is a thing I have never done before, and her response to me was "I don't care" so that's how things are going at work, if anyone was wondering.

When I told her a couple weeks ago that I was overwhelmed, she told me I needed to work faster.

I promised myself I wouldn't rage-quit but it gets harder every day to keep that promise to myself. I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow to talk about the dread and anger and significantly increased anxiety I've been having related to work, so we'll see what happens.

[restsbetweennotes]

I, for real, almost rage-quit my job this morning. Like first almost just walked out because honestly I've given over five years of my life to this place and it's all been for nothing. Then I calmed down enough to think about sending an email that said to please consider it my formal notice of resignation. The only thing stopping me is that I need my health insurance. I could survive a few months without an income but not having health insurance would fuck me over, especially because one of my doctors won't accept ACA insurance plans.

But seriously, I don't know how much longer I can do this. I am losing my fucking mind over here. I called my doctor and made an appointment for next week because I am having so much anxiety lately. I don't know what else to do.

[restsbetweennotes]

I wish I could have taken a picture of the absolute disaster I made of front desk at work this morning when I rage-purged the drawers because I was accused in an email of being given documents and putting them in drawers instead of uploading them, which at first I let go, but then another email went to my supervisor asking if this could be confirmed so I took every piece of paper out of the desk and put it on top of the desk to prove that, no, it could not be confirmed. Unfortunately, I handle a lot of confidential student information so I couldn't take a picture which is sad because it was really a sight to behold.

[restsbetweennotes]

My supervisor sent an email today asking that I start including her on all emails I send so she knows what I'm working on and how she can help. She called it "standard practice." I've been working there for over five years and none of my supervisors have ever asked me to do that. None of my supervisors at any job have ever asked me to do that. More than that, there is no one else who I am regularly in contact with at work who includes their supervisor on every single email they send.

[restsbetweennotes]

I'm not easily offended but fuck if I didn't almost throw the coffee maker against the wall this morning when a grown ass man asked (told) me to make a cup of coffee for another grown ass man.

A cup of coffee. Not a pot of coffee so the man could get his own cup of coffee.

Like... what. the. fuck.

[restsbetweennotes]

I sat in a meeting with my supervisor this morning and I tried to tell her I was overwhelmed and she just stared at me until I said that I understand it's not just me. I fucking hate that. It takes away from what I'm trying to say. Anyway. She asked what I needed to get myself caught up. So I tried again to tell her that I'm being asked to do too much. She asked if weekly overtime would help me get things in order.

Weekly overtime.

I was so taken aback by this suggestion that all I could do was stutter out that I'm sure it would help. But I wasn't saying that was the solution I wanted. Quite the contrary, actually. What I was looking for as a response didn't come to me for hours. And that is this: I'm an hourly employee. If my work can't be completed in my 40-hour week, then I'm being given too much work.