Recently Hearing- Enabled Man Rescinds Auditory Gift on Account of Horribly Misguided Soccer Commentator.
Charlottesville, Virginia.
Jeremey Swisher, a 31-year-old deaf man, has recently given back his new found gift of hearing because one of the first person he heard speak… was Alexi Lalas.
Jeremey has been deaf his entire life, and the cause of his deafness remains undetermined. There is no history in his family, and there were no complications during his birth. He has an older brother and sister, neither of which are deaf.
“It was tough on all of us when Jeremey was younger,” remarked his mother Ramona. “We all had to learn sign language and teach him how to communicate how he was feeling either through his hands or writing. We were so thankful when he was invited to play for the local soccer team.”
According to Jeremey’s parents, he was always a rabid soccer fan. From a young age they could tell that Jeremey was taken by the beautiful game, preferring to use his feet instead of his hands, and demonstratively flopping in apparent near-death agony each and every time he was touched. He developed into one of the top players in the city, possessing the unique ability to perform at his best in crowded stadiums, seemingly able to drown out the opposing fans.
“It was remarkable,” said a rival high-schooler. “He was always totally unphased.”
Upon graduating from high-school, Jeremy went on to be a soccer star for Gallaudet University, a federally chartered private university for the deaf and hard of hearing located in Washington, DC. During his four year career at Gallaudet, Jeremey set records for goals, assists, and games played – records that still stand to this day.
At the beginning of June, via a large anonymous donation from a wealthy Gallaudet alum, Jeremey underwent surgery for cochlear implants: electronic devices to stimulate his auditory nerve. The surgery would allow him to hear for the first time in his life, and just in time for the World Cup.
I was on-hand with Jeremey’s family when he came out of surgery. Teary-eyed, his mother approached him to say hello, and for the first time in his life he heard her voice. The excitement was palpable, and after experience the timbre of his family’s voices for the first time in 31 years, Jeremey switched on ESPN to watch the U.S. open their World Cup against Ghana.
“It was the shrillness that got to me. That, and the stupidity,” signed Jeremey. Granted, I don’t know sign language so I’m not entirely sure what he was saying. “I couldn’t stand to listen to Alexi Lalas for another minute and realized that hearing nothing was better than being subjected to the volcano of mindless, uneducated bullshit being emitted from the sloppy ginger.”
Again, my sign language is rusty, but he was pretty worked up.
Jeremey ordered doctors to remove his implants immediately and has since become one of the nation’s strongest and most vocal advocates, along with Ann Coulter, for the eradication of soccer in America, calling it “communist kickball”.
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