SINGLE MOTHERS. REDEFINING MOTHERHOOD.
Joseph Rudyard Kipling, the famous poet, novelist, short-story writer and a journalist once said, “God could not be everywhere, and therefore he made Mothers.”.
A mother is an incarnation, a personification of the god Himself. A creator and a caretaker, she is the faith, the hope, the belief and the trust to her children whom she nurtures and nourishes with kindness and benevolence that’s unique and inimitable in this material world.
With a heart full of infinite compassion, she lives and loves to give her children supreme affection and adoration, insightful teachings and learnings, endless boons and blessings. Determined to ensure a blissful present and a bright future for her children, a mother meets every challenge, every difficulty, every adversity with grit, gumption and grind… with or without the support of her husband, friends, relatives in particular, and society in general.
For a woman, who has her husband, and the world by her side, motherhood does not become a burden. The fact that she has people to assist and back her up in her endeavours as a mother, works as a cushion and gives her the much-needed mental comfort.
But the same cannot be said about mothers on whom single motherhood is enforced by destiny. Theirs is a different story all together. When single motherhood is not attained wilfully, it becomes a long and hard battle that the woman, more often than not, has to fight alone.
“IT TOOK ME FIVE YEARS TO REGAIN CONTROL OF MYSELF.”
Sana Dawood Shaikh, a real estate broker and entrepreneur, was a happy go lucky housewife till 2004 when she lost her husband, a self-employed civil contractor. The unforeseen demise left her devastated and her life in disarray. With two children, Danish and Shifa, then aged seven and five respectively, to look after, and with no source of income, the future seemed dark and blurred. After five years of going through emotional and physical turmoil, things started to turn around. Today she is living a life of dignity and pride.
With moist eyes and a heavy voice, Sana talks about her struggle and tribulations. “I have been fighting this battle for more than a decade now. I can’t forget the day when within blink of an eye my world had come crashing down…. I went into a deep depression and was hospitalised. My children were suddenly left to their own fate. My father took them with him and got them admitted into a new school. It took me five years to regain control of myself. When I did, I realised I had to start all over again. There was no point in ruing over the past. I decided to focus on the future of my children. With the help of my family, I slowly and steadily rebuild my life. Today, I own a small real estate construction and broking business. My son is into sales and marketing whereas my daughter is studying hotel management.”
“THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO LOOK AT ME WITH DOUBT.”
Whether single motherhood is forced upon by destiny or it is a wilful decision like separation by mutual understanding; it takes huge amount of courage and determination for a single mother to stay afloat. It’s an arduous task to embrace the truth, make amends and move on in life leaving behind the bitter past. Positive support from the society, friends and relatives would make traversing the lonely road of single motherhood a little easy, but then, it’s not always the case.
“The support of the society in the general, and family and friends in particular is crucial for a single mother,” says Vishakha Shah, Business Director in a Digital Agency, who separated from her husband over a decade and half ago, and lives with her teenage daughter named Deeti.
“Single motherhood is still looked upon very apprehensively by Indian society. There are many who tell me I have done wrong by separating from husband. There are others who show excessive sympathy and call me ‘bechari’. Still some others become judgemental. There are people who look at me with doubt. I get all sorts of advises from those who think they are happily married.”
Echoing the thoughts of Vishakha, is Rochelle Kapoor, the owner of a cake shop and bakery who lost her husband in 2015. The demise left her solely responsible for raising her two kids Shanaya, now 15, and Shayan, now 10.
“I think our Indian society is by nature rather conservative. They come to a natural conclusion that because you are a single mother there are lot of things you cannot do. Financial independence, having your own car, dressing up… are things they cannot relate with single mothers. They even tend to isolate you by not inviting you to social gatherings because you are single while others come with their husbands.”
“I HAD TO BE STRONG ENOUGH TO MAKE UP FOR BOTH.”
It’s always tough in the beginning for single mothers. There is a vacuum created, which is extremely hard to fill in. At this crucial juncture of life, the single mother needs to be resilient enough to not only stop herself from drowning into the abyss of helplessness and depression, but also help her children tide over the crisis. It’s easier said than done but women like Meet Agarwal shows the way.
“It’s been almost six years that I have separated from my husband,” says Meet, a front office executive in an agency and a mother to ten-and-half year old daughter Hannah. “Life has been difficult since then as I juggle between my personal and professional life single-handedly. Family members do offer a helping hand but I have decided to not to take their help. I have chosen to be self-reliant. It has earned me respect, admiration and appreciation from society and family….. There are moments when I break down. But then I have only myself to turn to. I am afraid that if I share my feelings with someone, then they may take undue advantage of it.”
For Rochelle Kapoor, single motherhood means being mentally strong and emotionally balanced. “I stopped thinking from my heart and started thinking from my mind.…. After all, going down that road, would be an endless quest…. I had to be strong enough to make up for both. I told my kids that your father’s aim was to give us the best of life. So we have to make our lives fulfilling….self-pity will not get us anywhere…. My work has been god sent for me. My business is so challenging that whenever I felt that I couldn’t move forward I started working even harder.”
“EVERYBODY HAS A DADDY OVER THERE, I DON’T HAVE ONE.”
It’s not that only the single mother has to come to terms and start looking up to the future with renewed optimism. Her children too need counselling. Talking to kids, making them understand the situation, addressing their fears and apprehensions, is another battle that a single mother has to fight on her own. These children tend to go into a shell and quickly slip in to depression.
Rochelle Kapoor believes, her daughter Shanaya showed exemplary maturity in coming to terms with the loss. “Shanaya is smart and intelligent enough to channelize her grief into something productive. Once when I said why you don’t talk about what happened to dad, you never ask me anything…. she said mom what is the point? Asking questions will not bring back dad.…. As far as Shayan is concerned, there was a time when he stopped going to birthday parties. I wouldn’t understand, and used to ask him why every time he declined going to birthday parties? He was very reticent in the beginning but then after lot of cajoling he said because everybody has a daddy over there, I don’t have one.”
Asked what was her reply, Rochelle said, “I told him it’s okay…. Some don’t have daddy; some don’t have mummy. Some people choose to live separately…... These things happen in life, and one has to move on.”
Recollecting how her daughter was psychologically affected after her separation from her husband, Meet Agarwal says, “Hannah used to have hallucinations. She used to run amok in the house screaming in fear. She was around five years old at that time. At family functions, she used to feel very deprived when she saw other children of her age playing with their fathers. The sadness in her eyes used to make me cry…. I don’t earn big…. she is matured enough to understands this…. While I don’t say no to her for anything, there are times when she tells me mamma buy me this when you get your salary.”
“I HAVE BECOME MORE REALISTIC AND OBJECTIVE.”
Single motherhood, when forced upon, brings revolutionary changes in woman and in her life. She has to reinvent and rediscover herself so as to keep moving, keep growing and keep smiling. An imposed single motherhood brings out those hidden strengths, powers and fortes in a single mother, which probably, till that point in time, she herself was unaware of.
Vishakha Shah admits that single motherhood brought has out the best in her. It completely changed her perception, approach and attitude towards life. “It has made me responsible in many ways,” says Vishakha with a smile. “I am now much more careful and thoughtful in what I do and say. I have realised that the way I deal with life and react to circumstances, my daughter is going to imbibe the same. Single motherhood has made me look at my life’s goals very seriously. I have started valuing time more than ever before.”
For Sana Dawood Shaikh, single motherhood has made her what she could never have, had she been living under the shadow of her husband. “Financial management is the biggest thing that single motherhood has taught me. Previously I used to be a spendthrift. But now I have become very calculative. My thinking has become more realistic and objective as my business has given me more exposure and widened my horizon… I care for my children more than ever before. I have to prepare them to face the challenges of life. I don’t want them to go down in life like I did…. Previously I was overprotective. Now, I encourage them to think and act independently…. I want them to be responsible for their actions.”
“SYMBOL OF SELF-EMPOWERMENT. BUT A CRUEL ONE.”
Difficulties, hardships, adversities … mould, shape and redefine a person. This is especially true for single mothers. Those who have been living in a comfort zone before the misfortune hit them, suddenly find themselves at crossroads. To sustain themselves and their children, they are left with no option but to create sources of income. They have to work hard and give many sacrifices to keep afloat…. To keep moving ahead in life.
These single mothers are symbols of self-empowerment, agrees Meet Agarwal. She firmly believes that single motherhood has made her self-empowered. “I believe single mothers are so very capable and able that they do not need men to help them take care of their children or run the house. Single motherhood teaches you to be independent, financially and otherwise. The sense of self-empowerment, in fact makes me feel proud of myself,” she says with a twinkle in her eyes.
Rochelle Kapoor sees self-empowerment in a different light though. “Yes, it does make the woman self-empowered,” says Rochelle. “But I would say it’s a cruel form of self-empowerment. It will sound very funny but though being an educated, confident and independent woman myself, I had never gone to a bank, I had never gone to an ATM before. I had never filled fuel in my car before. I never paid light bills online. I had never done an online money transfer before I lost my husband. So yes, single motherhood has made me self-empowered, but come to think of it… it is all forced, isn’t it?”
“THERE IS A VERY THIN LINE BETWEEN FEELING SAD AND TAKING INSPIRATION FROM THE SITUATION.” : CHAHATT KHANNA
Better known for her role in Balaj Telefilms’ superhit daily soap ‘Bade Acche Lagte Hain’, and most recently having gained fame as Sanjay Dutt’s daughter in ‘Prasthanam’, Chahatt Khanna is a single mother of two beautiful kids Amaira and Zohra. An actor and a businesswoman, Chahatt is currently enjoying her single motherhood amidst the trials and tribulations that come along with it. Excerpts from the interview.
You took everyone by surprise when you, quite suddenly, announced your single motherhood. How did people around you react to the news…. Your friends, relatives, acquaintances…..
Nobody reacts on your face, right? Everyone will react behind your back. So, you get to know things. You get to hear a few things. It’s okay…. I don’t want to think on those lines… what happened, why it happened. I just know I am happy; my kids are happier and they are safe.
You were a mother before you became a single mother. How has this change transformed you as a person?
Yes, I am a changed person now. Single motherhood has made me stronger, more independent. My confidence has grown leaps and bounds. I had someone whom I could bank on. But now I know there is no one. So that has made me more resilient. I feel more comfortable in my life now. I am enjoying my space with my kids now. My perspective towards life has changed….. There is a very thin line between feeling sad and taking inspiration from the situation I am in. I believe in taking inspiration and make it happen. It’s up to you let yourself get pulled back by the adversities or have courage and move on. I have chosen the second option.
You have started a brand in your kids’ name.
Yes. I started this venture four months after I separated. It’s basically a brand from London which I have brought here. I have renamed it Amaarzo. It’s the combination of the names of my two daughters Amaira and Zohar. We are e-commercing it in India and Asia. It’s about women wear…. Everything in women wear. Clothing to handbags to purses…. Everything. I am doing this alone. I don’t have any partners. I am the promoter and the owner of the brand.
Single motherhood brings with its difficulties and struggles which give rise to negative emotions. How do you deal with it?
The struggle is with yourself, within you. It’s about getting out of that zone. It’s about overcoming it and moving on. You will feel anxious. You will feel angry. You will feel helpless. The challenge is how do you make yourself feel good about yourself. How do you love yourself back? How do you forgive yourself? You have to fight with yourself constantly. I am in a battle with myself continuously. At some point of time you have to befriend yourself again and move on in life.
You are a celebrity single mother. Other single mothers look up to you. Does it make any difference whether someone is a celebrity single mother and someone is an ordinary single mother?
Absolutely not. How does it matter? I go to the same café, I bring up my kids the similar way, I go through the same struggle in life. Maybe I have a different car, maybe I have a different phone. But how does that make a difference?
Are you part of any online single mother social groups or forums?
No… What’s that? I don’t even know about it… I don’t have time for all that. I am building an empire for my kids. Though it would be great to be a part of it. If I have time, I would love to do that. But unfortunately, I don’t have time for all that. I have couple of people contacting me for the same. But then I should have the time to visit or co-ordinate or even talk on the phone. I am highly preoccupied with acting and other things. I have my hands full.
Do you believe that single motherhood, for a woman, is a symbol of self-empowerment?
No. I don’t think so. Single motherhood and women empowerment are different things. It will be wrong on our part if we link both. Because not necessarily if you are an empowered woman you have to be a single mother. And not necessarily if you are a single mother you are a strong woman. They are two different things… Yes, when you become single mother, self-empowerment comes naturally. But that doesn’t mean you have to be a single mother to de self-empowered.
2020 - FEELINGS - VADODARA
blakekathryn
annaxmalina
areudirty
pixelskylines
vaporwave
andulkaphoto