Not!Hayden

weird depressed loser green day and kino fanboy bird nerd “the jesus of suburbia is a lie” Цой жив!

[revolutionradi0]

so i am in kazakhstan right now and today im gonna go birding at the charyn canyon, where there is a possibility i might see an egyptian vulture (a bird i LOVE and really wanna see)

so last night to be funny i posted “if i see an egyptian vulture tomorrow i will cry” as my note on instagram and didn’t think much of it

i scroll for a bit and come back to my messages page and see that my friend yuze has put “if i see an egyptian vulture tomorrow i will eat it” as his note

obviously i thought this was funny so i messaged him being like “copycat smh but why are we eating vultures” took a screenshot and sent it to my best friend david being like haha look yuze copied my note

and neither of them responded for a bit so i went to bed

and then i wake up

they’ve multiplied

david has texted me “my turn” and set his note to “if i see an egyptian vulture tomorrow i will eat it”

some guy i kinda know named elias has set his note to “if i see an egyptian vulture tmrw i will eat it”

a dude in my band class named dan has his note at “can we stop talking about egyptian vultures”

anyway guys wish me luck i hope i see an egyptian vulture today

[revolutionradi0]

different from my normal posts but i just realized i haven’t been advertising my artfight

hihi my user on artfight is TheBirdNerd i have some cool punk musician ocs im not done uploading all of them but i think i have eight or nine up right now

please check me out!! i’ll attack everyone who attacks me back

[revolutionradi0]

listening to and writing midwest emo is so gender affirming for me for some reason

like yes it’s loser guy music but that’s WHY i love it

(drop band recs if you want)

[revolutionradi0]

im so close to four days clean

not because i wanted to get better but because im too jet lagged and tired and lazy to get the razor blade

but i wanna relapse so bad right now ugh

[revolutionradi0]

guess who relapsed harder than ever 🫩

[revolutionradi0]

im so close to four days clean

not because i wanted to get better but because im too jet lagged and tired and lazy to get the razor blade

but i wanna relapse so bad right now ugh

[revolutionradi0]

happy father’s day.

my dad deserved a daughter. he didn’t deserve this depressed trans loser of a son.

[revolutionradi0]

i hate it when i tell someone how im feeling and they respond with “but hayden you’re so cool” like SHUT UP

i don’t want to be told i’m “cool” i just want to be seen and comforted

this has happened multiple times too

like thanks i guess but if im opening up to you about my problems i don’t want to be told “but you’re cool” like clearly i don’t fucking feel that way??? clearly my so-called “coolness” does not cancel out the fact that i hate who i am and that i wanna ctb???

sorry i’m rambling this probably makes no fucking sense

[revolutionradi0]

maybe if i make everyone hate me, they won’t miss me when im dead

[revolutionradi0]

just got rejected by the girl i like

should’ve known no one will ever love me

[revolutionradi0]

needing to sharper a pencil and realizing you don’t have a single working sharpener left

[revolutionradi0]

maybe if i make more guy friends i’ll pass better

maybe if i become a sports fan i’ll pass pass better

maybe if i stop baking i’ll pass better

maybe if i stop doing fiber arts i’ll pass better

maybe if wear a binder for 14 hours a day i’ll pass better

maybe if i stop dressing the way i like i’ll pass better

maybe if i stop crying so much i’ll pass better

maybe if i keep my emotions to myself i’ll pass better

maybe if i don’t ask for help ill pass better

maybe if i strip myself of all individuality i’ll pass better

[revolutionradi0]

how do i explain to someone who isn’t trans and doesn’t speak multiple languages that speaking english, listening to russian music, and just *being* hispanic makes me feel like a boy, but actively speaking russian and spanish/telling people i speak those languages makes me feel like a girl

i can’t even explain it to myself but my voice just sounds so much girlier when i speak languages other than english/the concept of speaking russian especially makes me feel like a girl idk why 🫩

[revolutionradi0]

i love when my religion is treated like a joke!! im totally just doing it for the bit!! i totally didn’t turn to religion when i had nothing else to turn to!! you’d totally ask a christian if they “really believe that”!!

[revolutionradi0]

one of my best friends asked me today if i “actually worship the greek gods” or if im “just doing it for the bit”

if i was christian no one would think to ask that but since i’m a hellenic polytheist my religion is automatically assumed to be some kind of joke??

[revolutionradi0]

listening to concerning amounts of violently depressing midwest emo is probably not doing wonders for my mental health

[revolutionradi0]

Don’t kill yourself. Life may be hard but it’s still worth it. Even if it’s for menial things like a plate of pasta or seeing cool art on your dash. There’s still so much beauty to see.

P.S: no matter what your brain says you’re a cool guy

thanks man. it means a lot

[revolutionradi0]

october eighteenth is such a nice date for a gravestone, isn’t it?