Crack Baby
!Leon S. Kennedy x Gender Neutral Reader!
Summery: After coming home from your mission, Leon notices something different in you.
Authers note: Thank you for all the likes and reposts on "Noted"! This story isn't really based on the song Crack Baby from Mitski, but it does describe the feeling that the "reader" has. Plus I absolutely love the song.
!Warnings!: self-harm, eating disorders, depression, trauma.
(Words: 4,210)
You had just gotten back from a mission, the most horrible mission you have ever had the misfortune of being on. You witnessed your whole squat being executed in front of you while you were powerless, you couldnât save them and you blamed yourself immensely for it. Your agents, your friendsâŠ
The door to your apartment opened slowly you fumbled around with the key before taking it out of your front door and putting it back in your pocket while stepping inside the apartment you shared with your boyfriend Leon. You and he worked together at the D.S.O as a federal agent. You met him there with him accompanying you on many missions. You two were amazing together in battle and got along very well. So well that he asked you out to dinner after your second mission together. There was an instant click between the two of you and you became close friends slowly growing on each other till the point where he came over every day even when you already worked together even sleeping over sometimes. You knew everything about him even his past just like he knew you better than you knew yourself at times. The friendship bloomed slowly into something much more. Ending up with you asking him out since he wouldnât pick up on your signals, even after you had kissed him. He had moved in with you mere weeks after dating since your apartment had an extra room that you didnât use.
Fast forward to 6 months, now.Â
You had been nothing but happy for the last six months he was the best partner you couldâve hoped for, he was sweet, caring, funny, and could cook a really nice dinner. He was perfect. Youâd sometimes think that you didnât deserve him and he would help you overcome it together with the rest of your insecurities. He was super understanding even when you told him about your history of mental illness and your scars from the past. Of course, he had his flaws too, a full hand of trauma and other family issues. Leaving him with panic attacks and a lot of PTSD. You were always there to comfort him always.Â
Leon heard the door of the apartment open he immediately sprung up from the couch a big smile was painted on his face when he saw you.
âYouâre backâ his voice was high-pitched.
You had been gone for a bit more than a week and he was getting worried. He had texted and called you over a million times but you seemed radio-silent the whole time. His heart raced when he saw you, his eyes lit up as if he had just come to life by seeing you. There was a huge wave of relief through his body he couldnât even begin to describe the ecstasy he felt when seeing you, even when you looked like shit. He almost ran over to you a happy hop in his feet as he wrapped his arms around your tired body.  He snuggled his face in your neck and closed his eyes in the warm embrace. But to Leonâs dismay, he felt you flinch beneath him but he didnât want to let go of you just yet.
âI was so worriedâ his voice cracked when he spoke into the crook of your soft neck. âIâve called you, but you didnât respond, and I thought-âÂ
He stopped himself before he continued because he didnât feel your arms around him. Your arms had just stayed by your side not moving as if you were frozen, like a statue glued to the wooden floor of your apartment. A frown caught his brows and he removed his arms from you leaving the one-sided hug. Itâs now that he got a good look at you, your eyes seemed dead as if your soul was a second away from disappearing your face pale with dark half moons under your eyes, you looked like shit. He noticed a new scar on the side of your right eyebrow a dark red stitched wound against the cold skin on the eyebrow.Â
âAre you okay?â his tone sounded even more worried than before a concerned frown on his face as he examined yours.
âYea just tiredâ, you managed to squeeze out before walking away.Â
âWaitâ he grabbed your wrist before you could walk any further the grip was gentle but at the same time had some firmness to it.Â
âYouâve been gone for like a week can we at least-, talk?â You turned your face around. But all Leon could see was the way your whole body was shaking under his touch it was an upsetting view, the way your hand trembled while he held your wrist. His brows knitted together a hopeless look on his face.Â
âI- Iâm just really tired. I want to take a shower and so to sleep.â You explained but he could even hear the shaking in your voice. You were staring at the ground he desperately tried to get a chance to look into your eyes, but you seemed to be avoiding his gaze, you seemed to be avoiding him.
âOkay, weâll talk in the morning yeah?â The gentleness of his voice made you nod. And so he let go of your wrist even when he didnât want to. Even when the only thing he wanted to do was hold you in his arms the way you had held him every time he came back from another traumatizing mission. You and Leon were different in that way, Leon was always looking for physical touch, he lived for it, the only thing he wanted to do all day was hug you cuddle you or you cuddle him he loved either. He loved your soft touch the way your body fit so perfectly in his warm embrace the way he could bury his face in your neck.Â
But you were the opposite Leon had noticed that each time you had come back from a mission you just seemed to want to distance yourself from him. He learned that sometimes physical touch was too much for you, That you couldnât handle being touched while you were overwhelmed sometimes. He didnât really understand it he couldnât really grasp it but still, he took note of it and didnât attempt to touch you when you told him that it was too much. Eventually, he could pick up on the signs. He could tell when you wanted to be touched and in which way you wanted to be touched if it would result into cuddles or something more intimate. He could also pick up on when it was too much for you, your body language he knew it all. And right now it was definitely too much so he left you to yourself which he knows now was a bad idea.
Leon still had to go to work that day but you got the week off due to the mission. Leon still didnât know what had happened on that mission since you still hadnât talked to him. You were supposed to talk in the morning but when he came to your room last night to lay with you, you shook him off and told him that you wanted to be left alone even when you were asleep.Â
So that was the first night in 5 months that Leon had slept in his own room. You couldnât really call it sleeping more like staring at the ceiling the whole night while he thought of you. He was worried sick and just wanted to comfort you so that it would calm his nerves but at last, he was sent away. He didnât close one eye that night so he was desperately waiting for it to become morning so that he could talk to you. And so morning came. He was up early mostly because he couldnât sleep but also because he wanted to make your favorite breakfast since he knew you were going through something that he had yet to understand.Â
He cooked up your favorite food for breakfast he was really proud of how it turned out actually even when he had already made it many times, still he felt good knowing it meant so much to you. He had to leave for work at 9 am so when the clock hit 8 and a half he had already expected you up since you had gone to bed so early the day before but he still hadnât heard a sound come out of your room and the food was getting cold.Â
He sneaked to your room and saw you sound asleep under the many blankets you had on your bed. Even in summer, you insisted on having them but now it was fall and it was getting colder. Even under those blankets you wore a hoodie. Normally you wore a shirt in bed because Leon was basically a walking heater. But now that you had slept alone it was cold for more than one reason, just like how you wore the hoody for more than one reason too.
Leonâs eyes softened when he saw you peacefully resting. soft breaths came out of you as he admired you from the door frame. You looked so relaxed almost happy. He snapped out of his staring and walked over to the bed gently shaking you awake.Â
âBabe?â He saw your eyes veagely open a soft grumble escaped your lips.
âFive more minutesâÂ
âI have to leave for work in five more minutesâ Leon softly said with a chuckle escaping his lips.
âHmm,â You turned your back to Leon and pulled the blanket over your head as if to say let me sleep. Leon got the hint and left you be even when he really wanted to talk.
âAll right, weâll talk at dinner tonight, you just catch some sleep yeah? I have to go.â
âhmâ
âThereâs breakfast on the table.â No response. He sighed before leaving your room and closing the door behind him. He wasnât sure how heâd be able to work with him being so concerned but he didnât really have a choice anyway, besides maybe he could get some answers at HQ about what happened on your mission since you didnât want to talk.Â
And so he left for work. At headquarters, he was met with the receptionist who seemed worried when he saw Leon walk in. The D.S.O. had known about the relationship between you and Leon and that you lived together.
He walked up to the desk to register himself but was met with a concerning conversation.Â
âHow are they holding up?â The receptionist spoke while looking up at Leon before even beginning to register him.Â
He shrugged his shoulders because he had no idea how to respond the the receptionist. He didnât even know what happened he knew something was wrong, but he had no idea what.
âI donât know, we havenât really had a chance to talk.â
The receptionist frowned at his answer.Â
âDo you know what happened on that mission Leon?â she consciously asked and spoke as if she was scared of someone hearing them.
âNoâ he responded a guilty tone underlying his voice.Â
âThe mission failed, and they witnessed-⊠they witnessed it all go down before they were rescued by the BSAA.â her voice went quieterÂ
Leon felt his heart sink to his stomach âThe BSAA? Why didnât we rescue them?â Leon bluntly responded almost sounding mad.
âWe thought they were dead. They had been radio silent for so long and- The D.S.O.  just didnât want to waste time.â
Leon felt a wave of rage hit him when the innocent receptionist spoke âWaist time?!âÂ
The receptionist stayed quiet like she didnât know how to respond.Â
Leonâs blood was boiling the D.S.O. didnât even bother to look for you?! to try and save you or contact you?! He was fuming.
After possibly the longest feeling day at work and a very angry conversation that he had with the people that navigated your mission he stepped into his car still fuming. He had to get a hold of his emotions if he wanted to talk to you. He wasnât mad at you no you didnât do anything wrong it was just the assholes that he and you worked for that he wanted to punch to pulp the fact that he couldâve lost you because the D.S.O because they didnât want to âwaist timeâ was making his stomach turn. He was worried sick about you literally.Â
He hurriedly opened the front door just wanting to see you to comfort you maybe hold you if you let him. He just wanted to be with you again to never let you leave his sight. He was so scared of losing you and the fact that it almost happened was tearing him apart.
The first thing he saw was the food he made for breakfast it was in the same spot that he had left them seemingly untouched still on the table. His brows knitted together in the same upset look that he had worn for the past few days. He knew something was off immediately. He didnât see you, he assumed you were in the living room playing games or watching something or reading but he found the room to be empty which worried him even more. Had you even been out of your room? It was already 6 pm. You must be hungry seeing you left your breakfast untouched.
Leon made his way over to your room and saw you lying in your bed your eyes fixated on your phone. You didnât even look up when Leon entered your room.Â
âHey sweetheart, how are you holding up?â his voice was sweet and he saw your eyes glance over at him just for a second before going back to your phone.Â
âFineâ Your voice was hoarse and you looked even more tired than before even after you had slept. He sat down at the side of your bed as you spoke ignoring the way you didnât even bother to look at him. He had to ask it or else he wouldnât be able to calm his mind down, he gulped before opening his mouth again.
âHave you- ehm⊠eaten anything today?â Your eyes darted at him before nervously looking beneath you at your bed and then back to your phone
âYeah⊠yeah of courseâ Liar, the worst thing was Leon knew that you were lying. And the fact that you were made it even worse for him. How could he even respond to that? What was he supposed to say?
âOkay⊠Well, what would you like for dinner tonight?â Your anxiousness gave off as you bit the inside of your mouth making it even more apparent to Leon that you were lying.Â
âIâm not hungryâ Your eyes went back to Leonâs and you saw the way he wasnât buying it.Â
âDonât lie to me.â
âIâm not-â
But he already stood up not wanting to hear any more of your excuses.
 âIâm making spaghetti,â he responded, leaving your room.Â
He should have seen this coming, he knew about your past and that you could sometimes struggle with eating. So when he forced you to come out of your room and sat you down at the table he didnât expect you to dig in.
You looked down at the plate of spaghetti beneath you while you could feel Leonâs eyes piercing through yours. Your pulse was pumping an anxious look on your face, you had nowhere to go now.Â
âSo how was your day?â Leon broke the silence.
âOh, you knowâŠâ you responded trailing off as you looked back down at the favorite food that your boyfriend had made.Â
It fell silent again.
âSweetheart, I heard what happened, Iâm so sorry you had to go through tha-â
âI donât want to talk about itâ You interrupted looking sharply into Leonâs soft eyes while yours only hardened.
You could feel nervousness spread over your face and you knew Leon could see it too. You tried and tried to not think about it, you wanted to forget, to forget everything, and to just not think or feel anything, your chest hurt and it became harder to breathe.
You avoided Leonâs gaze as if it were the plague, you couldnât bear to see him worried because it only made you more guilty. You didnât want him to worry about you, you didnât want anyone to worry about you, it was your problem and you should work your feelings out yourself.Â
Leon looked pleading, big eyes trying to catch yours âPlease eat somethingâ Your lips pursed into a thin line as you felt your brain mingle with the cloudiness of overwhelming stress. You needed to get out of this situation as fast as possible, you needed to find some sort of escape or excuse. âI told you Iâm not hungry.âÂ
âI donât believe thatâ Leon sternly responded. You looked down at your full plate and felt your stomach turn, you felt empty yet so full of everything like it would just flow over at any moment. You hadnât even lifted up your cutlery or even your arm for that matter, you didnât feel safe somehow even when you knew you were there was this feeling lingering that just made you want to run away. âCan we please not talk about this right now?â your voice was barely louder than a whisper as you stared down at your hands on your lap, nervously fiddling with the fabric of your pajama pants.Â
Leon leaned in closer, he didnât want to stress you out. Heâs trying his best not to be nosy, or to get you mad. But this answer only confirmed his suspicions were right. âTell me whatâs going on,â Leon said completely ignoring your protests.Â
You took a deep breath in yet it didnât fill your lungs. âIâm tiredâ you croaked out your throat suddenly dry and weak. You stood up your chair sounding too loud as it scraped against the wooden floor.Â
The atmosphere was cold, and you actually were tired, exhausted even, but that was no excuse. You turned around your eyes strictly glued to the ground.Â
The hairs on your arm stook up as you felt a hand on your shoulder, your whole body tingled and tensed, Leon had stood up and was right behind you. âYouâre not leaving until you tell me whatâs going onâ Leonâs voice sounded hurt but it was still gentle, somehow it made you snap, you had made it really clear you didnât want to talk and Leon was pushing the wrong buttons now.
âLeave me alone,â you gritted through your teeth, turning back to face Leonâs shocked expression. but the hand on your shoulder didnât move. âLook-â Leon sighed as he lowered his hand on your shoulder, he tried to be as calm and gentle as possible. He thought for a moment, picking his words very carefully. âThisâ Leon stopped again looking at you with concern. âThis is not okay.â
You took a deep breath in, as hurt and tired as you were, you didnât want this to turn into an argument. âI know this isnât okay, but just-âYou took a look back into Leonâs eyes but immediately regretted it and looked back to your side.
Your hands kept busy picking at the hem of your hoody and making small dreads come out of the fabric. âIâm fine, we donât need to talk about itâ you mumbled.
Leon shook his head, as much as you can hide it, it doesnât make it go away. You felt your heart beating on your eardrums, your socks were put on wrong and your hands were sticky with sweat and your hoody rubbed against your wrist too hard and-Â
âYou are not fine,â Leon said his tone more firm, he wasnât budging.
It was all too much. âFuck! Just leave me alone!â You snapped in Leonâs face, your skin felt like it was burning. Leonâs eyes widened and there was and you could just see the slight shock on his face before quickly turning away to finally go back to your room.
Leonâs expression hardened. You needed to talk, he needed to understand and he wasnât giving up on that so easily, he was your boyfriend for fuckâs sake. Leon swiftly grabbed your wrist in a fit of instinct mixed with hurt, you were still in the midst of walking away as he grabbed you by the wrist making your sleeve roll up a bit on its own as you tried to wiggle out of his grip it made it worse, and before you knew it you were facing Leon again.
You looked him in the eyes but to your dismay, Leonâs eyes were pointed down, you followed his gaze only to find him staring at the bit of exposed wrist, the wrist you had cut today.
The scar was barely healed and gave off a strong red color as if it wanted to stand out, you felt the breath get knocked out of your throat and you quickly looked up to Leon who was now looking at you with wide eyes and mouth agape as if he couldnât comprehend what he was seeing, you felt your face burn up as more panic hit you like a hurricane, leaving you feeling almost dizzy.Â
You were speechless and so was Leon, you both stood like statues with Leon staring at you as your eyes averted back to the ground. âLeon I-â you tried but he just stayed still before his expression turned stern almost like he was angry.Â
You didnât dare move scared of what Leon would think or feel if you did you looked so distressed it was almost unhealthy. You wanted the ground to swallow you whole and hide there for the rest of your life, covered in darkness so that nobody could ever see you again, so you could never see Leonâs face like this, so you wouldnât exist.
The next few things that happened turned into a blur, Leon almost dragged you outside and into his car, not caring that your wrist was still exposed and not caring that there were now tears rolling down your face, you were sat in his car, and he drove off with you without saying a word, he looked pained and he kept biting his lip.
He wasnât looking at you, the car ride felt dreamingly long the car filled with the sound of your held-back sobs as you stared out the window.
To your surprise he brought you to the building where you had therapy, you hadnât had a session in ages, the building made you gulp, Leon opened the door for you and you walked quietly beside him, sniffing back your tears as you walked the halls that the receptionist had told you to go.Â
With every step and every door you passed, you got more anxious, getting warmer and warmer to your destination was getting your pulse more heightened.Â
The building smelled stuffy like an old hospital or elderly home, suffocating you with dust.Â
The door was opened the familiar face of your therapist standing in the door. She welcomed you in with a warm smile and left Leon outside, You could faintly hear her tell Leon to wait in the waiting room.Â
Leon was a nervous wreck at this point his lip bleeding from how much he had been tormenting it with his teeth, he waiting room was empty with a few comfy chairs with an ugly yellow color on the wall, there were magazines placed by the coffee table but Leon couldnât even think about reading right now. His leg bounced uncontrollably his eyes darting around the room his brain going too fast for his own body to keep up.Â
âMister Kennedy?â
Leon looked up and was met with the pleasant face of a woman. âYeah?â Leon asked hoping his voice didnât give away how nervous he was. âI want to talk to you about Y/Nâs situationâ, she spoke keeping her eyes on Leons. He felt his pulse increase as he nodded. âOkay,â he breathed standing up and following the older woman.Â
She led him to a cozy room decorated with all sorts of plants and paintings. She asked him many questions, and so did Leon asks her. After talking and giving advice to Leon about what to do she led him out. Leon opened the door but just as he was about to leave he turned around and asked one last question. âAre they going to be okay?â his voice showed his hesitance. The therapist smiled, âTheyâll be just fine Mister Kennedyâ. Leon gave her a small nod and sighed as he closed the door behind him.
Walking back to the waiting room he came across you. His face immediately softened as he saw you. âHey,â he said dryly immediately regretting how formal it sounded.Â
âHeyâ you replied back with a sad smile, your voice still stuffed from crying. âWanna go home?â You looked around and took Leonâs hand in yours. âYeahâ.Â
