"Adolescence" on Netflix: Holy Shit, What a Goddamn Waste of My Precious Fucking Time
Okay, listen up, you beautiful degenerates. I just subjected myself to "Adolescence" on Netflix, and I need to vent before I spontaneously combust from pure, unadulterated rage.
You know how sometimes you see a trailer and think, "Holy fuck, this looks amazing!"? Yeah, "Adolescence" was the cinematic equivalent of blue balls. All build-up, no climax. Just a lingering sense of disappointment and a burning desire to punch something. Preferably the writers.
What the Actual Fuck Was That?
The premise, if you can call it that, was some bullshit about toxic masculinity, online radicalization, and teenage angst. Sounds deep, right? Sounds like something that could actually be interesting? Wrong. It was like they took a bunch of buzzwords, threw them into a blender with some stale Cheetos, and then poured the resulting sludge onto the screen for four goddamn hours.
The Characters Were More Lifeless Than My Dead Aunt Mildred
Seriously, I've seen more compelling performances from a bag of rocks. The teenage "protagonist" was a whiny little shithead who I wanted to strangle. The parents were clueless morons who deserved everything that was coming to them. And the supporting cast? Forgettable. Utterly, completely, fucking forgettable.
The Plot Was a Trainwreck in Slow Motion
Remember that time you watched a train derail in super slow motion, and it was both horrifying and strangely mesmerizing? Yeah, that's what watching "Adolescence" felt like. Except instead of a train full of cargo, it was a train full of clichés and lazy writing.
The Ending? Don't Even Get Me Started
It was like the writers just gave up halfway through and decided to throw a dart at a dartboard covered in possible endings. Whatever dart they hit must have landed on "complete and utter bullshit," because that's exactly what we got.
So, Should You Watch It?
Let me be perfectly clear: NO. Absolutely fucking not. Unless you're a masochist with a penchant for wasting your precious time on this earth, stay the hell away from "Adolescence."
Instead, Go Do Something Useful
Clean your goddamn house.
Masturbate.
Read a book.
Set something on fire.
Seriously, anything is better than watching "Adolescence."
Final Verdict:
Zero stars. Fucking garbage. A festering pile of cinematic diarrhea. Avoid it like the plague.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go scrub my brain with bleach.