[rightingthefeels]

My own apathy is starting to scare me. 

THis has been my most free weekend ever and all I have done is drink or be hungover. I currently don't want to do anything right now. Like, 100% nothing at all. I want to apologize a lot but mostly I want to feel forgiven. I feel vaguely sad but I don't know what that is supposed to mean or make me do. I just feel like I want to be left alone or I want to sit in a warm bath and I don't want to go to classes or take finals. I don't even want to drink.

I don't like this feeling; it's starting to scare me. like, I didn't think I'd ever have a time where I didn't want to read or write or draw. I don't want to eat, even. Like, yesterday, I think I consumed more alcohol than food (caloric wise). 

I honestly do think Austin and I are ok, I just feel bad about everything that I feel like I caused. I'm a little upset that we only hold hands when no one is around and we're drunk. Like, not a big deal but just a thing.

I'm starting to feel like my emotions are dependent on whether I'm drinking. Like, I'm starting to feel very numb and just meh all the time but if I'm drinking then I can at least bring myself to giggle and be cuddly instead of just wanting to do nothing at all.

I'm starting to get scared of myself. I'm watching myself become a person that I don't know what to do with. I am fully aware of all the wrong I'm doing and I feel like that's what's scary. I watch myself look at Austin and feel nothing after our tongues were down each other's throats, our hands were all over each other and we both have bruises on our necks and yet, I can look him in the eyes and know that it was a moment that is no longer this moment and that it may come again and it may not I don't know what that was about, ok. But basically I am not exempt from feeling worried about myself or feeling scared and drunk at the same time.  I don't know what I'm going to do about a lot of this. I'm already feeling alone but I need company to feel useful, that's all. 

I'm glad I will get to spend another night with James and the boys watching GoT instead of spending the night alone to think too much. 

[rightingthefeels]

11-12 April 2014

this past Friday I was more drunk than I have been in a long time. 

James and I figured it out Saturday (yesterday) that we had had no clue how much we drank.

1 shot

6 shots (in 3 mixed drinks)

3 more regular shots

so, like 9oz of SoCo and a shot of Absolut mango vodka (which was probably at 70 or 80 proof) which is not even real whiskey, it's fortified liquer with whiskey flavorings (and I will never touch it again). 

It was rough at the party and then we left and went to McDonalds and it's like, I remember all of that, but I didn't have any concept of time while there. Like, James would get up to get food and then be back and it was like it was instantaneous. 

I ate half a large fry and we walked home. 

Somehow nothing bad happened.

Then I went into Windsor through Vawter and I went to bathroom just to be safe. I gagged a few times and then I laid down on the floor and It felt like I had just fallen off a playground carousel. I threw up shortly after and then I threw up again.

I blacked out at some point bc I remember waking up on the floor, my hand found my own vomit, and I remember I wiped it on my jeans. and then I threw up again. 

That was certainly a first--waking up from passing out and then vomiting. I got kinda scared then. 

It was also 4 in the morning (I got into the bathroom just before 1:30. The party had started at 10 and we left at around midnight) and I had to be up in 3 hours. 

I had to leave Vawter then and walk back to Wood. I got up to my room without incident. And crawled into bed. But I was still very dizzy and drunk. I grabbed some plastic bags just in case and drank as much water as I could. I fell asleep in my rancid clothes. I was so miserable.

I woke up somewhere between drunk and hungover. I was still dizzy as fuck. I went to the bathroom and dry heaved and hoping I would throw up again or empty my bowels (there is just no pleasant way to say that). 

I spent 20 minutes in the bathroom feeling awful. I combed my hair down and wiped my skin off with a wash cloth.

I went and put on sweat pants, a tshirt, and sports bras (bc I slept in my binder and my chest hurt so badly). 

I walked to my EMV mentor training and ran into Jake and told him what was up. Training was ok.

Bree noticed I was off so I ACTUALLY used the flu excuse and I was  like "Did that actually just work???" 

They served bagels, which helped. Coffee did not go down easily or at all. 

I felt pretty ugh all of Saturday but for the most part saturday was pretty good. I got to sit outside all day (got a little burnt), Jake came over twice and sat with me, Austin came and hung out with me and then we all went to dinner. Miss Asia was great (although I hated myself through most of it). I was sad about missing the drag show though :c. 

So yea, that was the scariest drunk I've ever been.

But it's weird bc I still don't understand how anyone is obnoxious or belligerent. Like, if I'm not in the bathroom, I'm quiet and calm as anything. 

[rightingthefeels]

I didn't know where else to go right now. I just want to be alone, mostly. I don't want to be on campus. I don't want to think about the stupid things I do. I don't want to see any more really pretty girls and to think about that weird shape my body makes, the way I can grab my stomach and saddlebags. I don't want to think about how I'm so weak anymore and despite the being about to do some things I will never be as fit or athletic as I want to be. I will never be able to bond with people on those levels and that obviously upsets me.

last night was really nice and this past week was really nice but now it's mostly over and that makes me sad. I should be working on my projects but all I want to do is take back all the stupid things I've done.

I feel uncomfortable in my own skin again and I exist in a general state of upsetedness.

I just want to go to a place to feel safe.

I thought about Patrick all of last night. He's literally one of the sweetest people I have ever met and I'm sorry that we will probably never see each other again. 

[rightingthefeels]

I guess it's about time we had a talk about my sexuality...again 

it's weird, basically. 

I think it's safe to say that I'm not sexually attracted to anyone, but that doesn't mean I'm not at all attracted to anyone. I also think it's safe to say I'm not romantically attracted to anyone either; however, that doesn't mean I don't enjoy being hugged or when someone smiles at me.

It's not necessarily sex that bothers me--although a lot of it does--but so do cuddles and kisses. And they all bother me for the same reason. They all lead to a "what now?" they lead to a future that I will never be able to take part in. 

I see people and I see things I can never be with. Things that are barred from me. 

I don't know how to be with people when I'm sober. I just keep imagining all the ways I can't be with someone; my life is not so simple as to just let someone come into it. I don't know what I'd do with another life next to mine. How would I handle that ending?

I enjoy physical pleasure as much as many others but I what of the promise you make when you have sex with someone? That promise to to be with them and wake up and give them part of your self, to trust them and share your life only to give it all up one day.

But as I sit here, with the city of Indianapolis overcast and a storm taunting us from somewhere north, I keep thinking about how nice it would be to lean against someone warm, to share a drink with someone, and cook dinner. 

James and I are definitely kind of married and I love it; I think we have a wonderful, functional relationship. I want to find this with others and I know James wants the same. We have both talked about it how we want one another in bodies that we can be a little closer with. I don't know when that will happen or how.

[rightingthefeels]

Thoughts from (still) drunk me: 25-26 Jan 2014

So it’s currently the morning after the VSA formal and I don’t know how but I’m still drunk. I didn’t even drink that much. It was so so so so so hard to get liquor down last night. But I only threw up once. Leaving wasn’t an awful ordeal. I didn’t kiss anyone but I did hold Jake’s hand walking back to the union. I was so dizzy.

I blacked out last night. I remember going to the restroom, spitting/throwing up, coming back to James playing tightrope, mentioning we should leave and then I’m waking up on the desk and the lights are off and James is on the couch.

Its weird knowing that I don’t remember but I’m not sure there is anything to remember.

Last night was scary. After Delaney’s party I have been increasingly paranoid of the police showing up. It was hard to enjoy myself with that kind if paranoia. I was and am so stressed atm and drinking didn’t necessarily make that go away.

The only thing I hate about morning after drunk is that I’m disoriented but I’m still thinking too much

[rightingthefeels]

21 Jan. 2014

There was a shooting at my school today. I was in class in Heavilon and someone who had checked their phone reported that there had been a shooting in Electrical Engineering. We were taken down to the basement and had to sit until 1:20. 

I got a few texts and returned them. A lot of "are you ok?!" and a lot of "I'm fine". 

We were released to class, I got a few more texts. We finished class and I went and sat with James in the QRC until work started. I felt a little unsettled but I didn't feel right being sad. 

I had friends inside EE. Someone was killed today. They were a senior. They were going to go to graduate school.

I sent a lot more texts at work and after work. 

My parents finally heard (bc it bcme international news). 

I became increasingly unsettled.

We went to dinner and I didn't think about it.

We had a floor meeting and I felt a little better. And then I felt obligated to go to the candle light vigil. James went with me.

There were so many people. I didn't feeling anything. I felt sad bc I felt like I was supposed to. It was fascinated when I watched the glee club and their breath rise in unison. 

We were leaving and I saw Patrick and he wrapped his arms around me. He leaned his head against mine "how are you, you doing ok?" I said I was fine. I was cold. It was 3 degrees outside. I asked him where he was--it's not easy to just say "I'm fine" when you're standing in front of someone--he was at the co-rec. He asked me, I was at HEAV, he hugged me again. I made sure to introduce him to James. He went to call his parents. 

I just kept thinking about how many texts the TA got (the one that died). How many people texted him and never got an answer?  When did they know? How were they told? 

And none of it affected me at all.

I remember not feeling anything in that basement. I remember feeling unjustifiably calm as someone stood beside me, freaking out that their boyfriend was in EE. I felt terrible that I didn't know what to say. I remember being ready to die--I woke up ready to die. And I wondered about those texts that would never have been returned. 

My thoughts are obviously on things not today because there is nothing for me to think about. I'm sorry about what happened. And I'm sorry for our loss. 

[rightingthefeels]

Respect. Memory. Sadness. And continuance. #BoilerStrong

[rightingthefeels]

Thoughtd form drinking me: 18-19 Jan 2014

)I'm so so so so drunk right now.like I just three up. I'm kinda blacking out but at least I was only with James. I   didn't kiss anyone, swear. James is safe though. I think I lost all my drawing work. The cops busted the party due to complaints but thank god we wereby all arrested. I'm aware of the typos but mostly the sounds behind me

[rightingthefeels]

I'm quite worried about the bus ride back tomorrow night. Again, I don't know why (?!?!). I'm gonna miss my friends here but I'm tired of my mom. And that makes me a bitch, yea I know. And that doesn't mean I don't love my mom.

I'm tired of feeling like she doesn't listen to me: I shouldn't eat chicken parmesan, bc I love it more than my legs. I ALWAYS overeat and then I hate myself and that takes all the joy out of eating all kinds of food and tonight, despite having told her REPEATEDLY that I didn't want chicken parmesan BC of the above reasons, she makes it tonight anyway so that I "would enjoy my last meal at home". I try to explain my anxiety and depression and my fear of winter and I feel like she laughs it off.

Despite being the person who taught me about LGBTQ acceptance, she dishes out these microaggression regarding bisexuality and she ABSOLUTELY DOESN'T BELIEVE that I could be an asexual. The worst thing is when we were at the grocery store and she noticed my that I was wearing an ace bandage around my chest (which I wear bc I prefer the way I look and feel with a bound chest) and she looks at me and asks me if I don't like being a girl and how I should like it and how there's nothing wrong with it and I'm just thinking that those have nothing to do with one another and why does it matter or is any of her business

She laughed at me for not folding all the clothes and she laughed as if I had done something unexpected by packing away my clothes and then she got mad at me for snapping at her and I immediately felt like "I HATE IT HERE BC I DO EVERYTHING WRONG AND EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT AND I WANT TO DIE" I feel like me being gone, like, forever, will solve everyone else's problems.

[rightingthefeels]

My phone hates me. I hate my home and my body and my hair and my mom's beliefs about sexuality and gender and me and how everyone thinks its fucking funny that I have to go back to school in snow and ice. I'm really worried and stressed and sad and it feels like my feelings are just another fucking joke.

I don't feel like I'm happy anywhere or that I belong anywhere and I want to be dead bc I don't feel like I have a place to exist and not bc people don't love me bc of course they do.

I feel like people don't know how to read what I'm writing. They find the wrong messages and and latch on to the wrong words and I don't want to explain things that already took a bunch of courage to say in the first place.

I am hyper aware of how ugly my body is and I just feel gross right now

[rightingthefeels]

Thoughts from drunk me: 2-3Jan 2014

Drinking with sunny and Tracy. My mouth is so numb and I miss college friends and I want to tell them. Its so nice to drink with sunny and Tracy

[rightingthefeels]

There's so much loss in growing up

[rightingthefeels]

I'm really tired. Tonight was quite hard. We (Sunny, Emily, Vince, and I) went to the mall and went shopping/trying on clothes. It was just hard to walk around and see all the clothes I couldn't wear. And not just bc they weren't my size but because they weren't me. Like, I felt that I couldn't wear them. 

I just miss people and feel terrible about my body 

[rightingthefeels]

I’ve been thinking a lot. Mostly about relationships. It’s hard to avoid those kinds of thoughts at this time of year. And I feel the same as I did a while ago. I don’t feel like I can be with another person. I don’t feel like a proper girl—able to be soft and able to depend on someone…I’m not saying and shouldn’t imply that those traits are specifically female but, factually, those are ideas I associate with being a “girlfriend”. I’m not particularly cuddly or articulate with my emotions. I’m not one for hand holding or walking around naked and fucking in the kitchen. I am not one for slacking off and napping. I don’t know how to have a relationship at this point in my life, and I’m not saying that’s bad, it’s just how I feel. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t been wanting someone to lean against; to wrap their arms around me and kiss the top of my head.

  Oh, something not about my love-struggle

Am I white or am I a POC? I don’t know what White is anymore. I have grown up unaware of being a PoC/WoC but does that make me not one? I feel like claiming my whiteness is being a part of the problem bc my whiteness benefits me but I’m only benefitted if someone sees me as white. 

[rightingthefeels]

Thoughts from drinking me: 23 Dec 2013

Two hot chocolates does not mean you should double the alcohol

[rightingthefeels]

I feel much better when I’m doing things. Like cooking and baking. I like when I’m too occupied yo think too much

[rightingthefeels]

I am not at all happy and I don't feel like I can tell any one that.