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I'm really tired. Tonight was quite hard. We (Sunny, Emily, Vince, and I) went to the mall and went shopping/trying on clothes. It was just hard to walk around and see all the clothes I couldn't wear. And not just bc they weren't my size but because they weren't me. Like, I felt that I couldn't wear them.
I just miss people and feel terrible about my body
I’ve been thinking a lot. Mostly about relationships. It’s hard to avoid those kinds of thoughts at this time of year. And I feel the same as I did a while ago. I don’t feel like I can be with another person. I don’t feel like a proper girl—able to be soft and able to depend on someone…I’m not saying and shouldn’t imply that those traits are specifically female but, factually, those are ideas I associate with being a “girlfriend”. I’m not particularly cuddly or articulate with my emotions. I’m not one for hand holding or walking around naked and fucking in the kitchen. I am not one for slacking off and napping. I don’t know how to have a relationship at this point in my life, and I’m not saying that’s bad, it’s just how I feel. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t been wanting someone to lean against; to wrap their arms around me and kiss the top of my head.
Oh, something not about my love-struggle
Am I white or am I a POC? I don’t know what White is anymore. I have grown up unaware of being a PoC/WoC but does that make me not one? I feel like claiming my whiteness is being a part of the problem bc my whiteness benefits me but I’m only benefitted if someone sees me as white.
Thoughts from drinking me: 23 Dec 2013
Two hot chocolates does not mean you should double the alcohol
I feel much better when I’m doing things. Like cooking and baking. I like when I’m too occupied yo think too much
I am not at all happy and I don't feel like I can tell any one that.
Thoughts from drunk me: 20 Dec 2013
Peppermint liqueur, vodka, rum. Probably 2-3 shots of each. I love how rum makes me feel numb all over. That tingly pleasant sensation after rolling off your arm in the middle of the night. Before the pain hits. Vince and mom were fighting again. Fuck them if they don’t call it fighting I do. It didn’t last long but it upset me. I wasn’t going to drink. But then I walked into the kitchen and mom attempted to defend me in whispers and I had no reason to drink, I just started bc I could. and once I started, I had no intention of stopping. I have even drank some of Mrs Renee’s alcohol (namely rum)
I just want to talk to people but there’s no one to talk to. I’m
Rum is my favorite, everything is numbing
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I breathed in your words like heavy, water-laden, Alabama fog. I gulped them in, raising my hand, letting my snaps resound and rebound around my empty living room.
Thoughts from drunk me: 18 Dec 2013
I’ve only have 2 drinks but I’m already starting to feel the dizziness and numbness. I like touching my face when I get this way. I want to bother people
