bruh @riobee - Tumblr Blog

lezfem-deactivated20170726

“i want a dyke for president” (1992) by zoe leonard

i felt like this was fitting to post today

I've very recently come to the realization that there's currently no one in my life I'm totally honest with. Not since my last and only relationship (and not since really the first half of that relationship). As I lay in my bed in the dark in my dorm room alone at 2:32am on Columbus Day morning, I've noticed that I put my dialogue through so many filters depending on who I'm talking to. I've gotten closer to people but I'm starting to realize that there's not a single individual I can just talk to about anything and everything. I love my mother to death, but there is a lot she doesn't know about me and the life I've lived at college. I'm really not that close to my father. With any particular group of friends I have there's certain information I want to withhold from them or am too shy to talk about. Particularly with females, even around ones I'm not persay interested in romantically/sexually/whatever, I find it especially difficult to talk about relationships. I withhold information from my bosses because I'm too shy or nervous to go to them for help. I don't talk to anyone in my family outside of my mother while I'm at college. I just...as much as I like to think I've progressed and as far as I feel like I've come in the past year and a half especially, meeting literally thousands of new people, forming hundreds of new friendships, being told "aaron you're easily the most popular person I know," I feel like there's still so much inertly flawed about how I socialize and how I talk to other people and I can't figure it out. Two days ago, I noticed that I've grown a slight tendency to drink when I want to have meaningful conversations. And I feel like that's a very dangerous mindset to be in, and I've sort of been in this funk ever since. The hectic nature of senior year hasn't let up for a moment until this weekend (the first off weekend for the band this semester), and now that it has I find myself in this all familiar state of confusion, uncertainty, and unconfidence...much like how I felt for a majority of high school. Could it be that I've never really solved the issues that I had 4 years ago? Just that college has been distracting me on and off this whole time? I know that at the ripe age of 21 I shouldn't have everything figured out, but goddamn. Right now at this very moment, I feel like not that much has changed since those dark 4 years in high school. I don't know what to expect from posting this on here. I don't use tumblr really anymore. I don't know if anyone will read this. I don't know if I want people to read this on here and reach out to me or if this is just for me to personally getting things out in a semi-private manner. I just don't know. There are just too many uncertainties in my life and I don't know what to do

#text #extroversion betrays me #lonely