The weather is beautiful today, a little cold. Earlier, I sat in silence by the door with my eyes closed and tried to focus on three words to repeat in my head. I tried to focus on the warmth of the sun shining through the window of this door. Cancelling out the mental noise was tough. I used to be scared of sitting in silence; some thoughts just seem to get louder. There is no order, just a cycle of anxiety produced by ‘what if’s’ and long lists of what I’m supposed to be doing in the near-future. I’m trying to change some of that. It’s not a good use of my time or energy, losing myself in those kinds of thoughts.
I discovered that with practice, “silence” can help me center, ground, and anchor myself in the present. I am more aware of myself drifting away and have strength to pull myself back when I listen to the subtle, natural sounds around me. I chant simple words in my head to keep the wandering thoughts from coming in.
I heard the wind flowing through the trees outside of the door and decided to move outside. Sitting in nature’s version of silence is the clarity and recharge I’ve been craving for; I’m extremely thankful I get to do this. It takes a lot of mental strength to dump the mind completely and sit void of thoughts. It’s difficult. Simplifying things takes more effort than reveling in complexities.
I want to contribute to my community and support the BLM movement, especially during these crucial times. I want to go back into the world and continue molding and discovering a life with purpose, but my mind is scattered and I feel weak, disappointed. I want to support and empower the people around me, I need to address this depression and take care of myself. What do I need to do in order to have a healthy mind? What can I do for myself so that I can be present for people who need my support?
I feel stronger when I dedicate a moment of the day to myself. Being aware and grounded is my responsibility. My health and wellbeing is my responsibility. Making a difference in the world starts by making a difference within myself.
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