Rizzless Sapphist

she/her 23, but I feel 12 and 84 simultaneously the voices in my head won't shut up about kissing women i'm also a big nerd who likes talking about theories :)

[demilypyro]

i was gonna call my doctor about adhd meds. i forgot because i need adhd meds

[nyatasha6]

ADHD meds really make living more tolerable for me. Though you need to find some that work for you. My brain no longer needs constant stimulation and I can actually focus and relax every now and then. I am so much less stressed due to this despite doing much more.

[rizzless-sapphist]

this is so beautiful

[rizzless-sapphist]

what motivates me

I know that I should have a profound answer for what motivates me. For some people, it's their family's wellbeing - especially for first-born daughters. For some people, it's how devastating things are for humanity right now, and being a light in one's community and showing up in whatever way that looks like.

For some people, it's love; loving your neighbour as much as you love yourself. Loving your partner as if their heart beats within your own chest. Loving yourself enough to provide yourself with the best experiences.

I feel like I'm meant to be motivated by something valiant or profound like that. And sometimes it scares me that I'm not motivated by much really. I don’t even know what I should be motivated towards. Success? Access? Power? Having a seat at tables that people like me were systemically inhibited from sitting at?

Some days I do feel motivated, mainly to exist. But even existing feels like so much admin for me sometimes, and that's when motivation for that dwindles. If it's difficult for me to even want to exist, how the fuck am I expected to want to exist for a noble cause such as providing your family with a better life, or being the perfect Black woman that opens doors for all the younger Black girls who dream of entering such rooms?

Some days I feel so defeated. And not because anything has defeated me, it just feels like a state of being, brought about by nothing in particular. Just a feeling of apathy, disappointment in myself for feeling so apathetic when I have so much to live for, and so much to be grateful for. Guilty for not actively being grateful because there are millions who look like me who don't get such opportunities.

Sometimes I feel paralysed by the fact that I should be doing more. I'm not doing enough, I'm not motivated enough (sometimes not at all), I'm not loud and proud enough, I'm not setting enough records, not volunteering enough, not working enough, not writing enough, not posting on social media enough, not leaving my house enough, not attending networking events enough, not liaising with powerful people enough, not setting up strategic meetings enough, not making connections with international stakeholders enough, not creating art enough, not believing in myself enough.

I'm afraid that sometimes I wallow in a dangerous cycle of constantly feeling sorry for myself instead of acting on what's making me feel like I'm not enough. My frontal lobe fully develops in a couple days and I've never felt more unknowledgeable about anything in my life. I'm afraid, I'm nervous, I'm uneasy. And worst of all, I don't want to create a self-fulfilling prophesy of self-destruction because all I ever did about it was write an unnecessarily long tumblr post instead of act on it.

Where do I even begin with acting on it? How to even begin, when I lack the fundamental motivation to even want to act? Right now, I'm motivated by the fact that one day this will all be over, and I'll hopefully be in a state of rest (otherwise known as oblivion). But idk - energy cannot be created or destroyed so there's the possibility that my soul and/or psyche will continue to live on in whatever freaking form it decides to take. What if that form has it harder than now - what if this is as good as it gets? What if I should be relishing in these times where I even have the luxury to be writing about this on my laptop in the dead of night?

"Things could always be worse." Sometimes this thought motivates me

"I've survived every bad season I've ever had." Sometimes this thought motivates me too.

I have a whole folder in my notes app dedicated to all things that try and recenter me when I feel like this. It's filled with step-by-step things to do on how to start feeling more human.

- "Get some fresh air!" - "Call your mom, at least she's still alive for you to be able to reach her, that's something to be grateful for!" - "Journal and cry it out" - "You're not busy enough, go write one line of your thesis and see the motivation arrive after you start" - "It's all right to feel like this, you're experiencing the full spectrum of human emotion, and they're not always fun. You're one of 8 billion people, so you're not the only person who's felt like this before so don't worry - you'll make it out" - "The only way out is through" - "I love you, and I'm proud of you even when you're not proud of yourself"

I wish I had one anchoring thing to constantly look to to motivate me. A north star of sorts. That would make it much easier to think about it whenever I feel out of sorts like this. But I guess, good writing comes out of it haha.

[hayden-christensen]

People aren't so bad. It's what the world does to them. Like what they do in the arena. I think there is a natural goodness born into us all. No, really. You can either cross that line into evil, or not. And it's our life's work to stay on the right side of that line.

THE HUNGER GAMES: THE BALLAD OF SONGBIRDS & SNAKES (2023) dir. Francis Lawrence

[katnissandpeetamellark]

I MUST make content as I wait for SOTR lol

[jorolle]

Poor Lucy Gray. Poor ghost girl singing away with her birds. — She could fly around District 12 all she liked, but she and her mockingjays could never harm him again.

[aziidaa]

wyd when u see the ghosts of ur situationships waltz together

[gazpachoandbooks]

Obviously the book interpretation is entirely up to the reader, but I like to think that Lucy Gray's grave is empty. Not because she isn't dead. Not because she lives either. But because the whole point of her character after Snow finally cracks is to haunt the narrative, and the most interesting, compelling way she can do that is both for him and for us to never truly know what happens to her afterwards. She's Schrödinger's cat. She's a ghost that lives every time someone replaces the Capitol silence with music. We don't even know if the Covey ever found her. The only thing I choose to believe, whether they did or not, is that that grave is empty.

Lucy Gray doesn't belong in the ground. She is the air, the trees, a whisper behind your ear. She is insanity for the cruel and strength for the defiant. She is hope; not a grain of it, not in small doses, not the tool Coriolanus means it to be. He tried to squash it, but Lucy Gray became intangible. Like a song, she escaped his control, and she became infinite.

-Yet some maintain that to this day

She is a living child;

That you may see sweet Lucy Gray

Upon the lonesome wild.

[rizzless-sapphist]

my god, this is so beautifully written

[loverblaze]

all of the district twelve victors had the most poetic lines ever like katniss "if we burn, you burn with us" everdeen, peeta "it costs more than your life. to murder innocent people? it costs everything you are" mellark, haymitch "they will not use my tears for their entertainment" abernathy, and lucy gray "too bad i'm the bet that you lost in the reaping, now what will you do when i go to my grave?" baird.

[dramaticallychill]

a thing that i particularly love about the hunger games prequels is how it shows that people have been fighting against the games since their inception

when i was younger and read the original trilogy for the first time i was so bothered how it was 74 years of games, i remember thinking how could it have gone on so long without anyone doing anything

these prequels highlight that people have been fighting from the get-go: lucy gray's defiance, reaper ripping down panem's flags to cover the fallen tributes, haymitch's games and how many others shared his ideologies - the capitol just drowns them out, they rewrite their stories so their efforts are forgotten

liberation takes time and it's built upon the actions of those in the past

[thefishywizard]

Victors

[rizzless-sapphist]

I love it when people create art out of scenes from the novel like, this makes my heart so warm omg. Plus, I'm inspired to make some art of my own after seeing yours, this is fantastic!

[rizzless-sapphist]

the joys of crushing fictionally

It feels so good to be crushing on fictional characters again like, I forgot how safe it feels to be in love with someone that's frozen in literature. You know everything you need to know about them, and there's no possibility of your understanding of them ever changing them because they act differently. How they act will always be how they act because it's written down in a piece of literature that begins, and ends. It's honestly so comforting.

[rizzless-sapphist]

just finished reading The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes and oh my GODDD!! I need fanfiction about Coriolanus Snow prontooo!! (I hate him so much, he's the worst, I will never forgive him, but also I want him to raaaiiillll me till I forget what morality even means)

[rizzless-sapphist]

god, I can't wait until I'm done with this research and my weekends start feeling like weekends again

[rizzless-sapphist]

no because being a responsible adult means choosing to be in the library submitting your research ethics form instead of being out in the warm London heat dancing till the sun sets and locking eyes with the cutest person in the room and them buying you a drink because you're so cool and pretty and life just feels right in this little bubble of reality that'll never exist ever again

[rizzless-sapphist]

god, I really want to leave this fucking library and grind on someone's daughter in the club

[rizzless-sapphist]

god, I'm so grateful that tumblr is my creative outlet to let the thoughts out of my mind. It's like a valve that I can slide open whenever the thoughts get too much. And it's not even in an overwhelming way like, sometimes the thoughts just require an alternative outlet over you thinking about it, or you saying it out loud to yourself or you even saying it to a friend.

Sometimes, the words themselves need to be thought out through your hands via your keyboard and onto an online interface that anyone could read, anytime, forever. There's something so beautiful about having the entire world as your potential audience, and putting your deepest thoughts within arm's reach, but knowing it's only going to reach 2 people. It's comforting because then it gived me room to be myself and not perform a version of what I'm expected to be, or what I'm made to be.

[rizzless-sapphist]

I'm not even into this guy, I'm just tipsy from beer that he bought for me and I love how much attention I received from him and his friend group like, Leo season is treating me well fr fr