어린 반항의 눈빛

NA JAEMIN · SOPA ❝i try more and more to be myself, caring relatively little whether people approve or disapprove.❞ ― Vincent van Gogh

[rkyerim]

♡┊CHERRY KISS

[rkjaemin]

rkyerim·:

yerim’s heart almost breaks as she listens to jaemin talk, his voice almost losing the volume to say what he wants, so she squeezes his hand tighter and rests her head on his shoulder a little as they keep driving toward their destination. when he finishes his question, she looks up at him and give him a soft small smile. yerim wishes she knew what to say to make him feel comfortable, but she knew that he might always feel this discomfort while donghyuck isn’t around.

it worries yerim to an extent, but in the same breath she understands. even if she’s not been there for the entirety of their relationship, she knows just by the way they look at each other, that something special is there. and it’s an understatement to say that for the duration of their childhood, they were the only ones there for each other. yerim knew that, she understood, though she hoped that they could learn to cope on their own for when a situation called for it; she wanted, needed, them both to be safe. 

she lifts her head up, letting go of jaemin’s hand to hold his face and squishing his cheek. “you won’t,” yerim assures him. “not while you have me, okay?” she takes her hand away to pat his cheek before giving him a gentle kiss. “i love you, smelly.” yerim’s gaze drifts to the window before looking back to him. “you’ll be okay and i’m sure he’s missing you too. he’ll be home soon. i know he’ll always choose you, over everyone else. you don’t need to worry, jaem. he loves you, more than i’ve ever seen someone love someone, i believe.”

it wasn't that jaemin couldn't live without haech. he could, he has for some portion of his life. he just knows that life wouldn't be worth living without him. everything got better when haech was around -- jaemin liked himself more, wanted to be kinder, nicer, and more understanding, not just towards his boyfriend but other people too. was that such a bad thing? that someone brings out the best in him? most people just didn't understand what they've gone through together, what they had to endure, and how long they had to fight their own demons before they found their way back o each other. but jaemin knew yerim understood.

his brows knit as yerim held his face, squishing his cheeks like he was some kid. "yerim, i love haech, you know that, right?" he teases, unable to hold himself back as he smiled softly. he heaves a sigh as he continues to find comfort next to yerim. "i know..." he lets out quietly, inching closer to yerim even more, as if the nonexistent space between them wasn't already occupied. "i love haech more than anyone and anything... but i love you too, silly girl." he lets out, reaching out to pinch her cheeks. jaemin knows he's not supposed to suddenly be playful like this, it might make people think he truly has gone crazy. maybe he has, he's not sure.

but even around yerim, he didn't want to dwell in his sadness. he didn't want her to worry anymore than she already does. jaemin can handle it, he really is alright. he just needed company, one that yerim provides willingly. she was always more than a friend, they were so much more than that now. jaemin would go to hell and back for yerim. at times like this, he's relieved that he has her in his life. he knows that no matter what happens, yerim will have his back, and will hold his hand through anything. "you better treat me somewhere really good..."

[rkhaechan]

✰┆CHILD’S PLAY

[rkjaemin]

rkhaechan·:

the scene before him is absolutely precious – for someone who claims to be scared of children, jaemin is extremely adorable when interacting with them. if they weren’t meant to keep pda to a minimum, donghyuck would pounce on his boyfriend and give him an array of kisses across his face. but in a moment of strength, he keeps himself in his seat and leans close to his boyfriend, figures touching slightly as they sit next to each other. 

a smile breaks on his face as he looks at jaemin and nods with a laugh that escapes his lips. “yeah,” he says rolling his eyes sarcastically. “something like that.” and then donghyuck watches closely as his boyfriend explains to the boy that, they’re together like how mommies and daddies are and love each other just the same. it seems that their little comrade is nodding, appreciating the explanation as jaemin tells it to him and with a change of subject, he’s going back to his drawing and talking about how he thinks he saw a fairy once. 

not long later, the last of the children are gone and donghyuck is free to go. he takes jaemin’s hand and pulls it up to his lips for a kiss. “you’re wonderful,” donghyuck tells him leaning in to kiss him softly. “you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” he pulls jaemin toward the exit, he turns off the lights and locks the door behind them with his set of keys. “let’s get out of here,” donghyuck says to jaemin, leaning in for another kiss. “i’m starving.”

there is perhaps one thing jaemin liked about children, they're openness to everything. the curiosity would come close second if he didn't have experiences in the past with it becoming annoying very quickly. that was the thing, it's ironic how kids who were supposed to know very little about the way the world works are more openminded to things that those who were supposed to be more knowledgeable dismiss. he supposed that it's because of that fact that he still makes an effort to be kind towards them -- tries to, at least.

he watches as the last kid leaves, smiles and waves goodbye. jaemin had to admit that there was some kind of comfort in teaching children. he looks over to donghyuck as the older takes his hand, smiling softly as he replies, "no, you are..." jaemin could only close his eyes, the rest of the world fading away again, just him and haech there -- just like how he wanted it. the rest of the world can disappear, they could all just leave him and his boyfriend alone and he'll be fine with that. you're the best thing that's ever happened to me, the words make jaemin's heart skip a beat. "you, silly, are the best thing that's ever happend to me."

jaemin lets haech lead him out, watching him turn off the lights and the lock the door behind them. "we can't have that now, can we?" he smiles as plants a kiss on haech's forehead, giving his hand a light squeeze. "what do you feel like having, hm?" he asks, pulling haech closer to him, arm wrapping around his shoulders. "anything you want, my treat, pretty boy!" he teases before poking at haech's side knowing well that he's ticklish.

[rkhaechan]

✰┆WARMTH

[rkjaemin]

rkhaechan·:

donghyuck feels something tug at his heart when jaemin suggests maybe they could run away, leave everything behind and start a life that was just the two of them. but what would they be missing? donghyuck wouldn’t let jaemin throw away his life for him, out of heated passion, no doubt. he wouldn’t let him give up his dreams of being famous for his voice, his words, and being a talented idol with the rest of them. he deserved so much and donghyuck wanted to see him successful and satisfied. 

he sighs, breathing in the fresh air that feels so differently in his lungs than the air in the city, and after he swallows his fears, he turns to jaemin again. donghyuck smiles at his boyfriend, reaching out to place a hand on his cheek guiding jaemin to kiss him. “come on,” he says pulling jaemin further down the trail and then up the steps leading them further up the mountain. once they reach another resting point, he pulls his boyfriend close, noting the way his legs burn as he watches the view from high up. he’s not sure he can make it up the entire mountain. 

“we could run away,” donghyuck says. “but… i feel like i’ve run away from everything in my life. i even ran away from you once.” he turns to look at jaemin again, holding his hand and giving him a smile. “i don’t wanna run away, jaem. even though sometimes it feels like all i want to do. this whole idol thing…” he pauses dropping jaemin’s hand and looks at the view again. “i don’t know. i’m so tired of hiding and the thought of having to hide you,” he looks up at jaemin again, trying not to cry. “hide us. i still don’t understand it, jaem. but i don’t have to to support you – i know it’s what you want.” 

there’s a sniffle stuck in his throat and he chokes on it, letting his lip pout and quiver slightly. “sorry,” he says wiping the tears from his eyes before they fall. donghyuck turns to hug jaemin, burying his head in the crook of his neck. they stick to each other in the heat but donghyuck doesn’t care, not in the slightest. “i’m always so scared and i don’t know how to explain how much i wish we could just be together like this and feel safe no matter who’s watching. i love you, i really love you, jaemin.”

jaemin looks at donghyuck as he spoke before looking away, a smile on his lips as he did. ‘i don’t wanna run away, jaem’ reassured him that every decision he has made until now were right. he had no doubts, had waited patiently for his boyfriend to say those words on his own. and hearing him say it out loud makes jaemin even more certain to pursue his dreams, for him, for them. in a way, he understood what it was like to hide, maybe he didn’t want to admit but maybe it was what he was doing all these years. he feigns nonchalance when it fact, not actively speaking his truth was no different from hiding it.

“it is what i want…” he tells haech, reaching for his hand and gives it a squeeze. “it’s what i want because it will help us be… you know, this.” he motions to the both of them, “anywhere we want.” it will be a difficult process, tedious even, and there will be disappointments along the way, but whenever he looks at donghyuck and how far both of them have come, he knows it will be worth it. he didn’t need a thousand people to support his plans, he only to hear lee donghyuck by his side. that’s all the strength and confirmation he truly needed. people can and might turn their backs on him, but he knows for certain that donghyuck will never.

jaemin holds his breath, worried that he’s said something wrong. he looks worriedly at haech, smiling lightly as he reaches out to help him with his tears. “why are you so beautiful even when you’re crying, hm?” he lets out quietly, hugging him back and kissing haech’s hair. “no sorrrys, okay?” he adds, pulling away, holding haech face, thumbs stroking over his cheeks. “you didn’t do anything wrong, haech.” he smiles, pulling his boyfriend back for a hug. for a moment there, he feels a pang of guilt, he did wish they didn’t have to hide, that they can be like this anytime, anywhere they wanted. it feels like… stolen moments when it was not supposed to be that at all.

and it hit jaemin once again, a question that perhaps donghyuck doesn’t get to ask very often. a question that jaemin himself has evaded for quite some time. “how about you…” he begins, trying to think of the right words to say, less intrusive, less demanding. “what are your… plans?” he asks hesitantly, humming before he continues, “what do you want to do, lee donghyuck?” he will support his boyfriend no matter what, whatever it was that he truly wants to do -- whether it be standing on stage, becoming an astronaut, or just travel the world.

[rkseokwoo-blog]

— the giant from the castle

[rkjaemin]

rkseokwoo·:

It’s as if someone was slowly letting out the air between them, easing the tension fraction by fraction, but so easily, Seokwoo knew it could be filled again if he wasn’t careful with what he said and did. His gaze darting from the younger males face, down to his feet and then back up as he listened to the other utter out something new and rub at his temples. Maybe he has a headache or stressed out. Those situations typically put Seokwoo in a sour mood, leaving him sitting alone and eating chocolate begrudgingly. Either way, he was forgiving of how he had been treated, if only because he knew he’d made a mistake – even if it were minor to him, had not been what the younger wanted to happen.

Seokwoo blinked when the younger spoke up again, started out annoyed, but then seemed to follow it with a strange piece of advice. A breath leaving through his nose sharply as he smiled, wondering how the other must have seen him to be giving such advice. “It’s habit, from customer service. I’ve been a waiter, worked in stores and bakeries and cafes – if you upset the customer, you do everything to fix it. Or you can lose your job,” he explains, tilting his head with a thought and then slowly nodding. “But I will be more careful.” The agreement came more from the fact that Seokwoo didn’t want to sound like he was lecturing the younger or upset him further with an argument over how to act with people. Obviously he cared enough to pass on this tip to Seokwoo and go easy on him with the request.

“–but food and drink for two? Any food in particular? Did you want to come with me and pick out which ones? I’d rather not get them wrong,” he finishes, flashing the younger a smile, until he realised something that they were missing. The tip of his tongue pressing to the roof of his mouth and then a chuckle slipping out. “Ah, I’m Kim. Seok. Woo,” he introduces, bowing forward towards the boy and then straightening up. It would make their conversation much more easier if they at least had names to go along with. 

there was so much of kim seokwoo that reminded him of his older brother, the way he was open to hear the younger’s thoughts, the kindness, and… well, all of it. But unlike jaehan, the man standing before him didn’t come off as arrogant even when jaemin thinks he’s being righteous. maybe if his brother was more like seokwoo, they’d still have a good relationship. but he’s not. the interest grows with every passing second, the annoyance fades and is replaced by curiosity. this young man is jaehan with all his annoying parts replaced with something jaemin can actually tolerate. he just hoped this isn’t just a ‘for show’ kind of thing for seokwoo, because if it was… that will be disappointing. but then again, that wouldn’t be a surprise now, would it? kim seokwoo is just like na jaehan.

and true to this observation, he really is like jaehan. he looks up at him, brows knitting with one question right after another - both asked for his convenience again. “you…” jaemin quickly stopped himself, ‘talk too much’ would have been too rude again no matter how accurate it described seokwoo then. “really think of everything, don’t you?” he says instead, sighing and then shaking his head, a smile finally clinging at the corner of his lips. “customer service…” he repeats, intending it to be quiet, but said it a little too loudly. he figured it was more of an excuse… but ‘excuses are made for bad behavior, jaemin’ his brother once told him. “na. jae. min.” he replies, bowing back, almost dismissively. just the idea that jaehan is still influencing his thought process frustrated him, making him roll his eyes as he motions for seokwoo to follow him. his brother knew nothing… except think of himself. seokwoo is probably no different.

jaemin remembered haech pointing out something that he wanted to eat and drink. he’d save more time (and now, money too) if he got it before he went back to meet him. he starts to look around, trying to recall where it was. he wanted to tell seokwoo what it was he was looking for, but honestly, he couldn’t remember what it was called either, some kind of western fusion food, and fizzy candy or something. when he saw it, he’d know. but for someone who scolded someone probably older than he is, and who’s so detail-oriented, it would be embarrassing. “aren’t you with your friends or something?” he asks, trying to make small talk. “they’re not going to attack me suddenly, are they?”

[rkjaemin]

from a whisper to a scream

"do you know what you've done?"

jaemin has not slept well in years, only when he left home and moved in with donghyuck did he remember what it felt like to surrender to slumber. but even in his peace, he couldn't help but look at his boyfriend, his bestfriend, and feel his heart hurt at what he had to endure. sitting across him during breakfast the following day, he felt like he was keeping a secret, watching the older boy talk so animatedly about whatever it was that jaemin could only smile to. it wasn't that he wasn't listening, he really was... tried to, at least, but he couldn't help but feel that what he had done was not... right. it felt like a crime.

he knew something was bothering haech. over the last few weeks, he seemed to be carrying this cloud with him, a scene that jaemin only ever saw when he was still living with... that man. he wasn't supposed to say it out loud or even think about it, but in the past, he thought of a hundred and one ways to kill his bestfriend's father. he could remember the number of things he thought of to do donghyuck's father, ways he could make him hurt and ways to finally end his bestfriend's suffering. jaemin could make him suffer, make him feel the way haech did. people would think he's crazy, and he probably is, but na jaemin can probably get away with murder, if he truly wanted to. the need gets stronger everytime he saw the bruises, the way donghyuck flinched when jaemin unknowingly touches where he'd been hurt. accidents is what they were called, but jaemin knew better.

i went to see him, haech.

the words were simple, straightforward. and yet he knew it shouldn't be as simple and as straightforward. he was not supposed to be there that day, but he didn't want to let him get away with it. na jaemin knows death very well, knows that it can take many forms, and one of the most cruel things it could be is an escape. he wasn't going to let that man go without a piece of his cruelty shoved into his face. and as he sat there, unable to say a word, eyes still watching haech, nodding his head and smiling, half listening and half distracted, jaemin wishes he actually did more than he had.

they said he was resting, most of the time that's what he's doing. 'monsters doesn't deserve to rest' were the words that immediately came to mind, but instead jaemin puts on a mask, pretends to be the son that left home and didn't show up until today, worried that it would be the last time. that sort of penance always seems to get expressions to soften, always get the sympathy, and got him some time with the dying man he wanted to see. he respected donghyuck's decisions, he knew what hell he lived in most of his life with the man lying on the bed. jaemin wasn't going to lie, he hoped he was dead right there and then. a demented thought to dwell in, but he wasn't going to pretend to feel sympathy for some devil who had made lives miserable. besides, he's thought of worse.

jaemin freezes when the man tossed and turned suddenly. shit. and he finds himself taking one step back, swallowing hard before walking closer to the bedside. he isn't dead... yet. but from what he's heard, it was certain, only a matter of time. he looks at his face, sees a man aged by illness and time, and he almost sees a father in there too. he rubs his temples, sighing as he sat down. "do you know what you've done?" he lets out quietly, eyes still closed, hands balled into a fist over his knees. "do you know what you've done... to your son?"

there were so many things he wanted to ask, so many questions that he seeks to get answer to. he practiced and prepared his rebutals, ready to defend lee donghyuck from whatever sick and twisted response this man might have. but he couldn't sew the words together, couldn't even staple a decent phrase. he wanted to speak, whisper, but all he wanted to do is scream. it wasn't fair. this man was getting the easy way out, never going to get the chance to pay for what he's done. for a split second there, jaemin wanted to do the unthinkable. it would be easy... no one would know. maybe someone will, but he was willing to take the fall.

but he thought of about lee donghyuck, and the way he smiled, just like the way he's doing now across the table.

he closes his eyes and lets his head fall forward, breathing heavily as he calmed himself down. jaemin wanted to kill this man... but that wouldn't end donghyuck's suffering now, would it? to the very end, this man wouldn't give what donghyuck needed to continue with his healing. even when the devil offers him a second life in exchange for that very thing, he wouldn't give it. "you wouldn't apologize. you think you didn't do anything wrong to your son." jaemin bites hard on his bottom lip, feeling the tears spill no matter hard he tried. he wasn't weeping for this old man, his heart breaks for donghyuck.

jaemin wipes his tears and gets himself together before he steps out, walks straight without looking back. he wouldn't let himself become the same monster that man was. he was going to be there for haech. always.

[rkjaemin]

mission (im)possible

[rkjaemin]

rkxsoojin·:

tw: mention of death and creepypasta

Soojin isn’t thrilled about visiting her uncle, but her mother has begun to really annoy her of late, with her Kakao essays about the dispelling of negative energy, and the importance of blood, presumably penned after hearty helpings of ayahuasca, based on their vaguely spiritual incomprehensibility. So she’s begrudgingly agreed to accompany her cousin to see the man, and to retrieve some unspecified paraphernalia from their family home, hoping that his son would distract him enough that she wouldn’t have to really engage. 

 It’s not that she hates the guy or anything, it’s just that she’s seen the Slums of Beverly Hills before, and also, her emotional calendar is currently packed full; she’s got nothing to spare for this guy with the dead wife or his family.

 She’s got fond memories of her aunt, too. She recalls visiting them all in the summer, years ago, when Jaemin was still just a baby, still chubby-cheeked, even more awkwardly built than he was now. Their trips to Korea had slowed in frequency before she’d left elementary school, and much of middle school was a gray blur in her head, so her sharpest memories were of Jaemin’s brother condescending to her about her Korean fluency as a snotty child. Their mother was sweet, though; she’s always wondered how she’d managed to turn out so normal. She must have gotten all of the decent person genes, or something, leaving the scraps for Soojin’s mother. 

 She’s not sure why Jaemin wants to meet at a bus stop; it’s a little pedestrian. But she entertains his desires, finding him, her brows furrowing as she approaches to see him dressed like Jeff The Killer. 

 “Hey…” she greets him, uncertainty heavy in her voice, her arms hugged across herself. Her brows only knit tighter together as he speaks of this visit as though he was about to produce two cyanide capsules from his pocket, “Um…yeah, sure. Is everything okay?”

jaemin could see the hesitation now, but he makes an effort to be more warm. seeing her now, it does bring back some memories, a face in his memory that was always vague now becomes clearer, and her name now rings a bell. he could hear his mom's amused laugh, right in his ear and her hand softly rubbing his back. it was something she did when jaemin does something 'silly', instances that rarely happen that make it even more 'endearing' she says. the thought of the word make him smile, he never though the word to describe his younger self. he was always more organized, more serious, and more driven than jaehan. serious comes with most memories, but how he'd give more for the endearing ones his mom smiled and laughed at.

"yeah, everything's okay," he tells her with a reassuring smile. "you're not feeling cold, are you?" jaemin notes, eyes glancing over how soojin had her arms across herself. "i could haech a call, meet us somewhere for maybe a scarf or something?" he takes out his phone and statrs scrolling through his contacts as he starts to walk. even jaemin is caught off guard with how accommodating he was being. he had a feelin that soojin probably is too, maybe even more worried than she already is now. the usual jaemin wouldn't speak or care so much about his company, he'd go straight to business and get everything done without so much as small talk. but tonight, he's being chatty.

he looks around as they walked, switched with soojin so she could be at the 'safer' side of the sidewalk. "do you still remember where we live?" he asks, smiling as he looked at his cousin. "you visited us a few times, right? do you remember that jerk... i mean, my hyung? jaehan hyung?" even when he makes an effort to be nicer, years of getting used to referring to jaehan as 'that jerk' was something he can't change. he wouldn't be surprised if soojin didn't agree, other people always found jaehan to be more sociable than him after all. he was the good brother, that one who entertained relatives and help their mom with the snacks. "he's not there by the way... if you were looking forward to see him."

[rkjaemin]

mission (im)possible

jaemin doesn't realize that he's left something valuable in his room until he was putting together some documents he needed for university. he's gone over the folders exactly fifteen times before he's given up and admitted that he had missed to pack those papers. he curses and groans -- as quietly as he could of course, while haech sleeps next to him at five in the morning. the last thing that he wanted right now was to go back to their house after the hearsay his nosey aunts call him for. there was really no way around it.

and that's how he finds himself, sitting at yet another bus stop, dressed in the all too familiar black hoodie that he only wears if there was something that needed to be done... discreetly. as if he was on a roll with missing out on the details, he caught sight of his cousin, soojin approaching their meeting place. whenever he thought about how many times they had interacted, it's amusing to him that he doesn't realize they were related. he really needed to sleep more, that's for sure.

he gets on his feet and waves at his cousin, a smile as she came closer and closer. there would have been a different welcome greeting if this was someone else, renjun and donghyuck definitely got a different one the first time jaemin brought them along on his... errands. "you sure you want to go do this with me?" he tells her, hands slipping into the front pockets of his jeans. "you can back out now if you want." he adds, sounding a little absurd about something that seems like a normal thing to do. after all, going back home to get some stuff one left behind was something everyone did -- and that's all he told soojin. not exactly how they were getting it. 

@rkxsoojin

[rkhaechan]

✰┆SWEET NOTHINGS

[rkjaemin]

rkhaechan·:

donghyuck notices the effort but he can see jaemin’s posture declining as soon as he sits up straight. he reminds him now of a houseplant desperate for water, drooping in the window, and donghyuck is heartbroken that jaemin is in this position, feeling so low and looking as though he’s ready to give up. donghyuck only wonders what’s on his mind– what is he not saying, that his shoulders have to carry instead? donghyuck doesn’t want to pry; he knows that jaemin values space and the trust that in time, he will be able to confide in donghyuck. 

but, for jaemin’s sake, donghyuck hopes it’s sooner rather than later.

“okay,” donghyuck says, almost whispers, watching jaemin after he feels the kiss on his forehead. not even grabbing a bowl for himself, donghyuck waits until he’s well aware that jaemin is eating. it’s almost as though he can feel jaemin cracking, the tension building, and the thoughts in his head start to break himself down and examine himself piece by piece. the only problem is, jaemin is often quite critical, especially toward himself. 

then scene before him, though sad, is also kind of a bit comical. he has to put a hand over his mouth as to not laugh at his boyfriend crying into a bowl of noodles. when jaemin looks up at him, donghyuck can only snicker just slightly. “babe,” he says reaching out to grab jaemin’s hand. “i love you but watching you cry into a bowl of noodles is… kind of funny.” donghyuck sighs, looking at him seriously as he lets his smile fade into a small frown. “you can talk about it, you know? maybe give your brain a break and let me help you through what you’re feeling? i love you, jaem. i just wanna help.”

jaemin can't remember the time that he'd ever cried in front of anyone, not even donghyuck. perhaps, he had but he was too out of it to remember. and now, he's doing it, knowingly, a part of him doesn't feel the shame and disappointment with himself that was ingrained in him growing up. it was just what it is -- na jaemin is crying. perhaps it was because he trusted his boyfriend the most, or that he was too exhausted to pretend he was okay after everything that's happened in the past few months. he didn't even bother to come up with something witty or to act defensive when he felt the older grab onto his hand.

he smiles, continues to eat, and hums as haech began to talk. jaemin gives his hand a squeeze, only to realize what it was that donghyuck was telling. maybe he did catch a glimpse of his boyfriend holding back a laugh, and it wasn't just his brain convincing him that what he was doing is embarrassing. "it kinda is, isn't it?" he says, letting a small smile pull on his lips, setting the chopsticks down to wipe his tears away, straightening up before taking a deep breath. "i'm okay... really, i'm fine... just..." he looks at the older's face once again, seeing the adorable frown that makes him lean in to kiss his nose. "i'm actually...not okay."

there was no use to hide or deny it, haech would know anyway. maybe even before jaemin could admit to himself what it was he was feeling. lee donghyuck would see right through everything. "i just..." his boyfriend's offer was not something he'd usually do, there was just too much and everything was not as easy to explain. he wanted to at least organize his thought better, have more sense. and yet the longer he looked at haech, the more making sense didn't matter. i just wanna help. jaemin believed his words, he knew that haech wasn't just saying it for the sake of. "i feel like a failure, after everything... i feel like i'm not... built for this? i like making music, and doing what i think is rapping... but now, i don't know."

[rkjaemin]

take my hand

[rkjaemin]

yujinrk·:

yujin lets jaemin hug her with little to no reciprocation, guilt weighing down too heavy on her shoulders to let herself enjoy his comfort. she lets him convince her to let up, though, as that’s been his primary role in her life up till this point. maybe her thoughts were valid, but there’s no mistaking their petty nature and her own jealousy clouding her judgment, as much as she would’ve loved to believe his words. she’s sure he won’t go around telling people about her confessions to him, but the fact that someone knows about her thoughts in general makes her anxious.

“i can hold plenty in me, thank you very much,” she cracks the joke weakly, gesturing at her height. “but like…urgh. i’m just…upset that i’m the only one out of our friends who didn’t…get casted…” each word feels like torture to get out, but it gets easier as she goes on. “like— of course you guys deserve it, and i’ll swear on my life i mean that, but i just…feel inadequate. like i’m the worst one out of us. which i mean, i am, but it sucks having to have that proven to you so harshly, i guess…” her head’s lowered in shame, but she’s sure jaemin’s still listening. 

with a mix of relief and nervousness in her heart, yujin ends up tugging at the hem of her shirt, suddenly finding the fibers intriguing. “i just don’t know what i did wrong. with everything. i feel like i’ve been making mistakes over and over, and i don’t know what i can do to stop.”

jaemin could still see through the facade as yujin gestures at her height. still, he laughs and ruffles her hair as he continues to listen, "that you most certainly do, don't you?" but with every word that his friend spoke, he fel just how much it affected her. it was all but a natural response, perhaps he, too, would have the same thoughts beneath all the congratulations and offers to help those who did make it. he was careful about his expression, about how to react and respond to yujin.

he was the type who talked carelessly, one who put feelings aside to talk about facts and reality. even with his friends, but he was not entirely heartless. over the year, he's found himself being more... considerate of the way others, especially his friends. jaemin was ecstatic about being casted, another chance to prove himself, to show what he's learned over the last few months... and what he wanted to do in the future. he understood the way yujin felt and she was in no way making him feel bad about being casted just because she said it oud loud.

"you can't really avoid doing comparisons..." he says as a matte of fact, "and as much as we reall don't want to, it's inevitable, so i understand..." he tells her with a smile. "and as annoying as it is -- i know i get annoyed when people try to be positive about it, but... you know, your timeline in this universe is different with other's, yujin." and here he was again with his stupid science stuff. "you are not inadequate, yujin. and i'm sure you didn't make any mistake, they're just not ready for you yet."

[rkyuqi-deactivated20190904]

– ☾ .* RAP FOR THE SOUL

[rkjaemin]

rkyuqi·:

yuqi pauses, making herself slow down so she doesn’t overwhelm jaemin anymore than he already is. she doesn’t want to ruin is concentration or somehow make him do poorly for his auditions. she’s just excited but she knows that not everyone handles nerves in waves of random excitement, some people are just nervous. 

a hand reaches out to pat his thigh and yuqi gives him a bright smile. “sorry, when i get nervous, i just feel giddy and restless. sometimes i just talk and talk and talk–” she stops herself and takes a deep breath before working the courage to talk to him once more. “yeah,” she says softly. “i always like what you do, you’re so talented jaemin. i can’t wait to see what you bring to the competition.” 

overwhelmed is a good word, it’s a word that she can perfectly understand. “it is a lot,” she agrees with a nod. “but you got this. i really believe in you!”

jaemin's thoughts were still all over the place, so many things running through his mind making his heart race a bit. he's never one to be nervous like this before, and to think he has prepared rather well for it. he tried to concentrate on somewhere else, tried to bring his focus on the girl trying to make conversation. perhaps, she too was experiencing the same thing. that was the easiest assumption to make, he didn't have to psych himself out and end up ruining his chances in the competition. he knew better than that, this wasn't just for him after all.

it was easy to focus on yuqi, she was a pretty girl and a talented one too. jaemin smiles back at her attempts to help -- if this had been another time and another place, he'd probably said something to make her go away when she gave him a pat. the thing is, yuqi was really trying, and was being considerate by not being pushing too hard. "it's alright, don't worry..." he reassures her, laughing a bit as she does do as she say, talk and talk. "i don't mind that you do, you can talk to me..." he adds, watching her take a deep breath.

he wasn't sure if anyone else would remember his performance. he figured that in shows like this, being unforgettable in itself is already a talent. "oh..." he lets out at her compliment, "that's... that's good, i mean... thanks, you're talented too, yuqi. you're really good." jaemin wasn't sure why he stuttered, why he couldn't own up to what he knew was good content. he wouldn't have performed any of the pieces he did if he thougth they weren't good. "i... i really appreciate that, thank you." he smiles at her, softly. "how are you really feeling though?"

[rkhaechan]

✰┆RAINBOW FLAG

[rkjaemin]

rkhaechan·:

donghyuck had never seen himself represented so enthusiastically and out in the open. the sight of all the colors and people around him who were either like him in some way or allies, supportive to him and the rights he should have, made his heart swell and a giddiness run through his veins. when he looks over at his sweet boyfriend, jaemin is proof that donghyuck can be satisfied with who he is and who he loves, when he looks at jaemin he sees hope for a future filled with contentment, adventure, and happiness. truthfully all of this is a representation of that, though jaemin is the most vivid. 

“i want a cute rainbow heart,” donghyuck says squeezing jaemin’s hand and spying a small face painting booth. “i want it right here.” he points to his own cheek and then pinches jaemin’s before leaning in to kiss his soft face where it had been between his fingers. “you have to get one too. it’ll be cute.” he pulls jaemin along to the booth and gives the woman money before she sets in to paint the pride heart on his cheek. “how does it look?” he says when she’s done, looking to jaemin and then into a mirror that’s been handed to him. 

next he watches as it’s jaemin’s turn and there’s a soft satisfaction that lingers underneath his skin. donghyuck looks at his boyfriend and for a brief moment, as he realizes for the millionth time how much he loves him, he’s swept away by overwhelming emotions. and then when he turns his gaze around to the small festival, he imagines a world where the two can be this comfortable in public all the time. he wants this fantasy more than anything else – the chance to have a family, a normal life, with the boy he loves so much. 

once jaemin is finished, donghyuck looks to him and wraps his arm around jaemin’s waist, leaning his unpainted cheek into him as the keep walking. “i love you, jaem,” donghyuck says looking up at him with a smile. “i’ll always love you, like i always have.” 

he reminds himself that they were in a safe space, that donghyuck feels more courageous than he usually is because here no one would give dirty looks or whisper hateful things to their companion when they hold hands, kiss, or display any form of affection. this is the kind the of space jaemin worked hard to give his boyfriend, and not just in the confides of their home, but anywhere they are as long as they were together. he'd be lying if he said that it was easy. sure, from his point of view, with the way he saw the world and cared little about what people say or show, it always is, but it's a different story with lee donghyuck. and it is because of that he was even more determined to be successful, to become somebody so he could give him this safe space.

"a cutie with a cute rainbow heart it is," he tells donghyuck, lightly touching the tip of his nose before he laughs a bit. he lets himself be pulled towards the booth, watchin haech have the time of his life as he interacted with such confidence and excitement. this is the donghyuck that jaemin saw everyday, and he wanted the rest of the world to see it too. it was a sin to keep this sight all to himself, and seeing this here, in broad daylight, makes jaemin feel butterflies in his stomach. haech is so beautiful, beyond words and out of this world. he doesn't take his eyes off of haech as the heart was painted onto his cheek, looking around to see where they could go to next, but only to see that the older was done. "it looks perfect!" he says with a proud smile, giving haech's hand a light squeeze. "so perfect..."

even as he sat down for his turn, he kept his eyes on haech, kept their hands locked as he smiled up and tried to stay still despite the need to look around. jaemin has not attended a major event like this, at least not out in the open. he had been to those ambiguous themed gatherings were everyone is just... open to everything. this is different, this event was a celebration, and not the way he would have. being here with haechan made him realize just how much he truly loved him, how much he truly wanted that change in society, and how much he wanted what others deemed 'different' to be 'normal'. he smiles hearing donghyuck say those words, feeling his heart swell as it always does when he says it. he looks over to him and stops walking to face him, "i love you too, lee donghyuck... always have, always will."

[rkjaemin]

❤ 2,813 likes

nanajm good food & good company

[rkjaemin]

너는 너 나는 나

[rkjaemin]

yujinrk·:

her throat clenches with every word that leaves her lips, hurting more and more to go on, even if the poison she’s spitting feels great. it’s been awhile since she’s been able to speak her mind, for better or for worse. she can never hide herself from jaemin, and somehow that brings a sense of relief and comfort into her life. not having to lie, not having to pretend she’s okay constantly, not having to act like the ditzy, air-headed girl everyone thinks she is.  

still, it’s hard to let the tears form, let alone fall from her face. it’s a habit she’s developed ever since that incident, and she’s not sure if she’s holding onto it voluntarily anymore, or if it’s ingrained into her soul. “no on says it but…” she avoids looking at jaemin directly. “i can feel people thinking it. like the way they look at me…” she tries to reason the best she can, suddenly having trouble coming up with any solid examples to draw from. 

she lets herself be pulled into the hug, nuzzling into his warmth briefly, and for just a moment, she feels her eyes water. she feels bad for it and manages to wipe at the tears before he pulls away to face her again. she doesn’t say anything in reply, though, and only nods. her throat is still killing her, but at least she knows she’s in good hands now. maybe later on she’ll feel some shame or guilt for troubling jaemin like this, but for now, she’d just like to believe. “okay…” she essentially whimpers, her lower lip stuck out in a pout. “i’m sorry…for being whiny.”

jaemin is reminded by what it was like before with him and yujin, of how it seems like he was the one who has it together. it always seemed that way, but in reality, he was far from composed. some time ago, no matter how calm he looked, jaemin's mind was chaos and the young girl standing before him was one of the few who helped him stay sane despite everything. ahn yujin helped more than she probably thought she did. he wouldn't be standing here telling her this sincere words if she hadn't done the same for him back then.

he smiles as he watched her, ruffling her hair a bit as she spoke almost too quietly to be heard. but even if yujin didn't say a word, jaemin will surely hear. he will surely find a way to hear what it was she wanted to say. that's how important she's always been, one of the few that he treated more than a friend but more like family -- a younger sister. "that's right, you better listen to your oppa..." he teases, smiling at her. "and you're definitely not whiny, yujin... i don't think you are." he adds, giving her cheek a pinch.

"so..." he starts, looking around before rubbing at his stomach, "i'm still pretty hungry and want some ramen, but you know what, i'll let you decide where we eat, yes?" jaemin continues, throwing an arm around yujin's shouler, like the old days. it was like the days before, when the last thing he cared about was what people said, and he hoped the same for his friend. "it's your lucky day, ahn yujin! i feel a little generous today." he adds, laughing lightly.

[rkhaechan]

✰┆SWEET NOTHINGS

[rkjaemin]

rkhaechan·:

a starter for @rkjaemin !

lee donghyuck was willing to do anything to make his boyfriend happy – literally anything. he couldn’t think of anyone better than his boyfriend, not really. jaemin had always been the one constant in his life and he is sure that if it had not been for him, he’d have been gone before his first manic episode. he believes jaemin only deserves good things and because he believes this so hard and so willingly, he’d hope the universe would believe it too. but jaemin’s had his fair share of hardships, even while donghyuck’s been his best friend, and even while donghyuck’s been his boyfriend. 

but the universe has got nothing on lee donghyuck. if it was so keen on hurting the best thing about living, waking up day to day, donghyuck will do everything in his power to remind jaemin just how loved, worthy, and beautiful he is. 

when donghyuck learns that jaemin’s been eliminated, he’s furious but he knows anger won’t help him nor will it help jaemin. he just has to remind his precious boyfriend that he shouldn’t give up and that there was more to life than trying to understand that everything has a reason. sometimes things just suck and sometimes they just happen, as if in a game of chance. but beautiful things can happen too and those things are the reason that people keep living, keep trying to find their place in the world. he hopes that tonight, he can help jaemin focus on the beautiful part before his mind eats away at him as it always does.

“noodles!” donghyuck says walking into where their dining table sits. the hard wood table is almost as static as his boyfriend. it breaks his heart to see jaemin so sad but he keeps strong for his boyfriend’s sake. he sets the food on the table and walks to where jaemin sits and wraps his arms around his neck and leans in to kiss his cheek. “got all your favorites,” he tells him with another kiss before sitting adjacent to him, reaching out to brush jaemin’s hair from his forehead and giving him a smile. “tonight it’s just us so anything goes. okay, baby? we’ll do whatever you want to do as long as it’s not illegal. but i think that’s more my area of expertise.” 

everything was still vivid. even after a good night's sleep, there was still so much going on in his mind to focus on just one thing. it was usually easy to pick apart the things that bother him, he tackles them like he would an equation -- and there was none that was left unsolved. perhaps, today would be the first. because now, he's sitting in the couch, looking at his beat maker without an ounce of desire to make something for the day. at one point last night, he woke up and thought maybe this elimination made him feel... raw. the whole mga experience gave him new perspectives about this idol thing, and perhaps the saddest one was that... he isn't built for it. he could work hard or smart about it, but he still wouldn't make it. that's a cold hard reality, and it hit him right in the face.

na jaemin isn't stopped by the smallest inconveniences -- which would explain why he still auditioned despite kt and royal handing him resounding NO's. he looked at everything as a window of opportunity, like those trials for groundbreaking discoveries in experiments. but even the most optimistic has his limits, and even if he knew the possibilities and the slim probability of making it through competitions like the mgas, he still... hoped. at the end of it all, he just reminded himself that he doesn't fit the narrative the mgas wanted to tell this season. and with that he closes that chapter of this path. his attention was shifted to haech as he announced what jaemin asked for earlier. "looks good, baby..." he says with a small smile, sighing as he straightens up, humming and looking as enthusiastic as he can. like he always does.

he isn't a sore loser, so he wouldn't make such a big deal out of this. he had said countless of times to everyone who had the courage to ask how he felt, that he is fine. and he truly is, but maybe there was some things that are to be left unspoken. for jaemin to let it go like that, it frustrates him. "i just... want noddles, baby. but thank you for the offer..." he tells haech, leaning for a kiss on the older's forehead. he focuses on the food, tries to distract himself from the thoughts now organized in a bulleted list of detailed remarks about performances, song choices, and original compositions. and as he takes another mouthful, gaze focused on the shiny blobs on the surface of the soup, he sees a riffle. when he straighte up, he feels a warm sensation down his cheeks. his chest rise and falls, and he looks at haech as he chewed. "this thing is hot..."

[rkjaemin]

@ryujinrk

text sent to (  golden boy ) —— (6)

✉ ▸ hey~ ✉ ▸ i just wanted to say that i’m sorry ✉ ▸ i’m sorry that you were grouped with me, and got in the middle of everything… ✉ ▸ i know that in one way it couldn’t be helped but i feel bad ✉ ▸ 😞😞  ✉ ▸ you helped me so much and you believed in me…

( sent – the goddess, shin ryujin ) it's not your fault, ( sent – the goddess, shin ryujin ) if there's someone who should be sorry, it's me ( sent – the goddess, shin ryujin ) sorry for bringing the quality of the group down ( sent – the goddess, shin ryujin ) you both deserve to move to the next round ( sent – the goddess, shin ryujin ) i'll be cheering you on, shin ryujin-ssi! ( sent – the goddess, shin ryujin ) maybe even more than suwoong hyung ( sent – the goddess, shin ryujin ) but don't tell him that ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ

[rkjaemin]

@renjunrk 

( ✉ ➝ 나재민 )

⮞ Na Jaemin your power ⮞ Congratulations on making it so far but also, you deserve it :’) ⮞ I’ll be cheering for you, I hope you make it far and that they give you something for this. You’re showing them so much ⮞ I’m proud of you

( sent – 인준! ) stop you're making me blush lol ( sent – 인준! ) im kiddin' im kidding ( draft – 인준! ) injunnie, im really nerv ( sent – 인준! ) maybe i'm showing too much? ㅋㅋㅋ ( sent – 인준! ) should i play the mysterious type?

[rkjaemin]

@yujinrk

( ✉ ➝ jaem 💝 )

⮞ oppa! sooooo sorry for the late texts but omggg gj in the mgas T_T ⮞ im cheering for u always!!! ⮞ the world needs to see how cool and amazing u are 🥺 ⮞ ilysm!!!!

( sent – no.1 girl ) its alright, silly girl ( sent – no.1 girl ) and thank you, ahn yujin! ( draft – no.1 girl ) it means a lot coming from you ( draft – no.1 girl ) im so nervous, i never wanted anything this bad bef ( sent – no.1 girl ) of course! ( sent – no.1 girl ) about time the world took notice, right?