there was never much conversation to be had at this dinner table. it wasn’t like anything kokoro remembered, or was at least used to from back home. she reminisces on the time she and her family would have big, lavish, home-cooked meals together. when everyone would talk about their days and what they did. the room was filled with so much positive, inviting energy; and this is a total juxtaposition. the only sounds heard were the chopsticks against the ceramic bowls, which almost echoed in the large, open living space. a soft spoken thank you is said every now and then as a dish is passed down or across the table. kokoro sits in silence, her eyes shifting between everyone around her; particularly her focus always ends up on her mother though. she watches her mannerisms, watches as she looks at her boyfriend, kokoro’s step father, lovingly. that was the way her mother looked at her father some time ago, before everything happened.
kokoro jolts upwards, her glance moving across the table towards yerin. she wasn’t speaking to kokoro, she was speaking to kokoro’s mother. “i found something online the other day and i was meaning to show you,” yerin reaches down into her lap and pulls her phone out. out of the corner of kokoro’s eye, she watches her step-father, seunghyun’s brows narrow, disapproving. “yerin, do you really think this is the time?” he asks her coolly, cocking his head to the side. even despite yerin’s hostility towards kokoro, seunghyun had always been welcoming and kind towards her. kokoro had no vendetta against him whatsoever. “it’ll only take a minute, dad.” yerin whines with a pout. her tone makes kokoro grind her teeth, which is unusual for someone like kokoro who is usually so unbothered by everyone and everything. seunghyun sighs, running a hand through his dark hair, only to then rest his chopsticks down alongside his rice bowl. he leans back in his chair and watches yerin who returns her focus back to kokoro’s mom.
“ms. kato, did you happen see the advertisements for that audition program, on mnet? what do they call them, the ... mgas?” yerin queries curiously. kokoro almost chokes on air. her eyes dart across to yerin, watching her cautiously. where was she going with this? what was she pulling at and what was she hoping to get out of all of this? kokoro quickly looks back towards her mother who has mirrored her boyfriend, chopsticks accompanying the rice bowl. “ah yes,” her mother says stiffly, pursing her lips. she folds her hands in front of her on the table. “i saw them on the television. i didn’t pay much attention though, why do you ask, yerin?” she asks, her tone sharp. kokoro didn’t even recognise her mother’s speaking voice anymore. once ago, she had been so upbeat and chipper, and now she was so calm and calculated. she spoke as though she was a native, like she was korean all along. kokoro fiddles with the chopsticks, avoiding eye contact.
“oh, it’s okay. i just wanted to show you an audition, that’s all!” yerin says, waving the phone in her hand. her father rolls her eyes, looking across to kokoro who still avoids eye contact. she wants to sink into her chair, disappear, dissipate. “yerin, later. can we please just finish dinner before it gets cold?” seunghyun says, once again, very coolly. yes, can we please just finish dinner? kokoro thinks to herself. she looks over at her younger brother amidst all of this. he looks just as phased as he always does. typical kyosuke. “it’ll be a minute dad, just one. this one audition barely got any airtime, it’ll be really quick.” yerin seems to have her father wrapped around her little finger because seunghyun is quickly defeated. he rolls his eyes and leans back in his chair, tucking his arms behind his head. “you know i don’t like these sorts of programs, yerin.” kokoro’s mother says with a sigh, tucking a strand of short black hair behind her ear.
“i find those wannabes insufferable.” she then mutters with the shake of her head. yerin smiles to herself. “i understand, ms. kato, but i thought this one audition might actually peak your interest, you see, this person auditioning is really fam-” it’s in this moment now that kokoro knows what yerin’s motive is, what she’s out to do. she’s going to show her mother her audition clip that was aired on television and she’s going to try and get a reaction out of her mother. and kokoro knows that yerin is going to get what she wants, because her mother can’t not react negatively.
“yerin, stop.” kokoro says suddenly from across the table, having discarded her chopsticks only moments ago. at first, she comes across as firm but as yerin proceeds, her voice breaks with the desperation evident. “yerin. please, stop. don’t do this.” but kokoro’s pleads might as well of been on mute. yerin ignores her, while her mother stares at kokoro. she’s beginning to put two and two together. everything kokoro had done to keep this all to herself was all pointless, because now everyone and their cat knew. yerin extends her arm across the table towards kokoro’s mother, who’s hand meets her half way. she takes the phone out of kokoro’s hand and with one click, the dinner table silence was now greeted by the sound of kokoro’s audition tape. a combination of her infectious enthusiasm and positivity, her desire to become an idol. she felt exposed, like her diary had just been read to the world. these were the people she didn’t want to find out.
kokoro’s mother hits the pause button and yerin’s phone only just misses the bowl of piping hot soup which is likely gone cold. their eyes meet and kokoro’s greeted with the language she’s so desperately wanted to hear her mother speak again. only it’s everything she didn’t want to hear.
