minatozaki sana. '98 liner. MGA4 contestant #4039. former member of K.ARMA, currently making up for past mistakes.
not all those who wander are lost. some of us are just taking our time to explore ! --tolkien and sana collab!
the industry was really small. hyuna was only being proven that with every day that passed. there were only so many trainees samsung could hold, and well, switching companies had become a lot easier. this was especially proven when her contract got bought from nova by trc. however, she didn’t expect people who gave up on their idol life and dreams to come back. hyuna didn’t expect to meet up sana like this.
it was, indeed pretty late, she had even stayed a bit extra because she wanted to train alone, so she didn’t expect to see anyone familiar in the streets. especially not sana. there were quite a few emotions that instantly take over hyuna’s face when she realizes it was indeed sana standing in front of her. it makes the rapper slow down her pace. oh. this wasn’t an everyday scenario, this wasn’t something hyuna had thought of even as a possibility.
“oh- sana?“ she asks, having to actually make sure it was her, a surprised smile pulling on her lips. fuck. how was she even supposed to go on about this whole situation?
sana stands there, dumbstruck, for several moments that feel as though they stretch on for eternity, sana’s blood rushing in her ears as her heart pounds, loudly enough that it may even be audible to hyuna on the mostly-quiet street, though the girl is several feet away from her. finally her mouth starts moving again, though not at any input from her brain.
“i don’t know what i’m doing,” she blurts out, running a hand through her hair and looking at the ground between them, her eyes darting between hyuna and just about everything else she can look at, as she’s unable to retain eye contact with the girl for some reason. sana doesn’t know why, but in this exact moment, she can’t think of anything more petrifying than looking into hyuna’s eyes right now.
“i don’t know why i’m here. i don’t know why i keep doing this to myself. maybe....maybe i was waiting for this,” she says softly, finally looking at hyuna’s expression as a thought strikes her, the realization jolting her enough to chase away her anxiety. “maybe i just wanted to talk to you.”
she swallows, taking a step closer to hyuna, then another. “i don’t know if you were worried about this -- you probably weren’t, but i want you to know anyway. i don’t hate you, or resent you, or anything like that, for being given the spot in k.arma. it....doesn’t feel good, for sure, to see k.arma performing as seven without me, but that’s not your fault, it’s mine. i really am glad you got to debut. you deserve it, truly.” sana’s heart is still pounding, but she does manage to hold hyuna’s gaze for that confession -- she wants the other to understand that she’s telling the truth, here.
realistically, she should’ve known this would happen. typically, items that are left behind at the store get collected pretty fast; phones beside plates, bags forgotten on seats. customers rarely get far before they realise they don’t have their wallets to buy their bus ticket home or their headphones to listen to music on the walk. usually, she’s just picking them up to store safely behind the counter to be collected, but this time her intrigue gets the better of her and she feels oddly like a deer caught in headlights when a voice drags her out of her thoughts.
“w-wait—” it’s not often either than siyeon stutters, but this is sana! k.arma’s sana! it’s not your average jieun or junse just wandering in for a coffee. for a moment, she forgets the situation she’s in, dipping her head in greeting. “oh my god, hi! you’re my bias in k.arma, or were, I suppose.” she comments, her little tact absent. “I’m siyeon!”
when she remembers why sana is back here, staring at her with an expression siyeon can’t read, her cheeks start to flush pink. who could blame her, though? notebooks and diaries are so tempting — and it’s not like she knew who it belonged to until she opened the front cover. “o-oh, I was just— looking for a name! for when you came back to get it, so I’d know it actually belonged to you.” at least she feels a little guilty for lying. she extends it to her but at the last moment, tugs it back. “I’ll give it back on one condition.” she starts, a tilt of her head and her lips pursed. she’s in no position to be making deals, but siyeon has always been unashamedly bold. “you accept my apology for being nosy. I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t have looked and I genuinely had no idea it was yours, I’m just— painfully obnoxious and super nosy — and self-aware, unfortunately. but don’t worry, I’m sure karma will punish me plenty for this, you know? pun totally intended, by the way. also, I didn’t read much, just a couple of really beautiful poems. lyrics, maybe? either way, they were really pretty. okay, I’m sorry, I’m done. you can forgive me now.”
sana doesn’t know how to describe the feelings coursing through her right now. she stares at this girl as she holds her notebook, sana’s notebook, having just slammed it closed like she’s had her hand caught in the cookie jar. and really, she kind of has -- it’s not like it’s a difficult rule to follow, to not look in other people’s journals.
the realization that the girl is a fan only makes sana feel worse -- it means she can’t yell at her like she wants to. though, in all honesty, she wouldn’t have done that anyway -- even if this girl didn’t recognize her, it’s possible that someone else in the shop would, and despite having left the group, sana still worries about her reputation damaging k.arma’s. but this girl -- siyeon, she says her name is -- being a fan only makes her feel worse. normally she would want to chat with her a little bit, maybe give her a picture, show her how thankful she is for her support even despite sana’s departure from the group. in this situation, though? sana doesn’t want to see this girl ever again, and that combined with the knowledge that the girl is a fan of hers makes her feel horribly guilty.
she hates that feeling, especially since she’s in the right here, and she chews on the inside of her lip before stepping closer to the seated girl, holding out her hand. “thank you for your support,” she says, trying her best to force a smile on her face. she doesn’t think she quite manages it, with the way her voice cracks a little. oh god, siyeon just said she read lyrics -- no one was ever meant to read this journal. sana feels exposed, like her walls have been cracked.
“you have already debuted once. why are you trying again?”
sana expected this question, and she takes half a second to think in dry amusement about how they’re dropping it right out of the gate, aren’t even giving her a chance to warm up first.
that’s fine. sana prepared herself for this.
her practiced smile doesn’t falter as she flicks her head to the side, sending hair out of her face. “debuting in k.arma was an invaluable experience for me, and i’ll always be grateful to tiger jk-sajangnim for giving me that opportunity, and for believing that i was right for k.arma. i left because i wasn’t on the same level as the other members, and felt i was bringing the group down.” her smile turns sad here, as she gazes down at her clasped hands in her lap.
“i needed to become a better sana before i could stand on stage as an idol, and i’m here auditioning as a step to try to become the best sana i can be.” she looks up to the interviewer here, her smile hardening into a determined expression, though it doesn’t lose the peppy quality that all of sana’s camera-smiles have.
“why do you want to become an idol, then?”
sana’s smile softens again as she replies. “i didn’t know what i wanted to do for a long time. i was just....doing things i liked, trying to find something i liked enough to do for the rest of my life. then i auditioned for the mgas, and i got farther than i ever thought i would, and it made me realize that there’s nothing i’d rather be doing than performing as an idol. i love the dancing, and i love the specific kind of charm idols have.”
“so which skill are you the best at, and which do you think you still need to work on?”
"honestly, i still need to work on everything -- i’m still not the best sana i can be yet, remember! but i think i’m best at showing my charm, on and off stage. i can always improve in dancing, but i think where i most need to improve is my singing skills,” she explains, her hands gesturing as she speaks.
“besides trying to debut, what do you do in your free time?”
“i make a lot of videos!” sana replies, excitement clear in her voice. “lately i’ve been doing a lot of gaming videos, but i use the channel for all sorts of things. makeup tutorials, song and dance covers, regular vlogs, just all kinds of videos. i really enjoy uploading them and interacting with the viewers, it’s like my own little community online.”
“thank you, sana-ssi. you may go.”
sana stands and bows, giving the interviewer her thanks before hurrying out of the room, her fists clenched at her sides.
she feels as if the whole building, the whole city has its eyes on her -- a former idol, washed up and auditioning all over again. she keeps her chin up, though, and refuses to let her fear get the best of her.
she’s already let fear ruin her career once. she won’t let it happen again.
// ( ★ ) STAR BRIGHT CASTING AUDITIONS ‘20 : ENTRY APPLICATION FORM !
FULL NAME: minatozaki sana
AGE: 22
BIRTHDAY: june 15, 1998
GENDER: female
HEIGHT: 164 cm
WEIGHT: 47 kg
BIRTHPLACE: tokyo, japan
CITY OF RESIDENCE: hongdae-gu, seoul, south korea
PREVIOUS MUSICAL EXPERIENCE: graduated from sopa (vocal performance major), various youtube covers, semifinalist on mga season 4, debuted under trc ent in k.arma and promoted news and ticket.
FAMILY RELATIONS:
jeon minatozaki hina - age 40 - artist
jeon adam seonwoo - age 47 - businessman
SPECIAL SKILL: dancing
OTHER TALENTS: violin, playing the violin while dancing (dancolin), can make the mario jumping noise with just her mouth
FAVORITE MUSICIAN/INSPIRATION: chichi
DREAM COMPANY: trc
2ND DREAM COMPANY: kt
IMAGE PROFILE: ( x )
( ✗ ) Move the symbol between the parentheses if you agree to the terms listed by the audition guidelines and also agree to be present during the official dates of the STAR BRIGHT casting ‘20 auditions.
perhaps it’s hypocritical of her to comment on sana’s looks when she isn’t all too fond of such herself, but it simply blurted out before she could think it through. though it can surely be nice receiving compliments alike, yoohyeon has unfortunately had her fair share of experiences to which the situation depended heavily on her features, rather than her skills– her previous job, specifically, where they hired her purely because she had a cute face. not she she complains, because she needed the job, but ultimately she didn’t think it was fair to others.
after all, she had absolutely no knowledge about comic books, and she caused more distress than actually helping the customers. luckily, she is out of that café though, even if it’s sad that they went broke and had to permanently close their doors. finally sitting opposite to sana, she smiles brightly when dismissing the compliment with a small wave. “ah, gosh~ you’re too kind right now, but yes, it’s yoohyeon!” with her purse tucked comfortably atop her lap, she slightly scoots closer to the table to prevent from taking up too much space behind her.
“i know, right? i have watched a good handful of your videos now and i have to say, you really know how to engage with your viewers! you record them so nicely,” she says, genuinely. with that in mind, she wonder if she should post more vlogs in the future, so that her little youtube family can get to know her better, and vice versa. sure enough, she does talk and reveals her personality through her gaming account, but since it’s seperated from her singing one, there’s not too many that know about it. "i’ve found your makeup tutorials super helpful!”
honestly, it’s nice to be known for her youtube channel and streams, rather than being recognized as a former member of k.arma. sana loves k.arma and misses the stage fiercely, but since she’s come back to korea she’s quickly grown tired of being recognized for it, even in a positive capacity. it’s nice, of course, to know that she has fans, but it’s also depressing, to know that she disappointed them so thoroughly. of course, none of them say that to her -- so far, all the fans she’s met who have mentioned her departure have done so by providing encouraging words, or telling her they hope she’s doing well. somehow their well-wishes only make her feel worse.
but this -- this is nice. she even met yoohyeon after she left k.arma, but the other girl doesn’t follow idols much at all, and so hasn’t even recognized sana. or at least, if she has realized then she hasn’t said anything about it -- there’s plenty of k.arma fans who comment on her videos and streams, so it’s entirely possible yoohyeon has seen those and decided to disregard the fact that sana debuted under one of the most prestigious companies in the country. it’s nice to be recognized for things that she believes she’s good at -- being an idol is fun, and sana knows she must be better than average to have debuted, but she doesn’t feel that way. part of the reason she left is because she felt so inadequate on stage next to the other members.
but video games and makeup? well, sana’s been good at those for years.
“oh, that’s so good to hear!” sana replies with a beaming smile, clapping her hands together. “if you wanted, we could record one together? kind of a makeup lesson, i suppose. i could help teach you and our viewers about makeup! we could do an overwatch-inspired look, even. i have some ideas for a d.va look,” she adds conspiratorially, grinning across the table at the other.
there’s a moment of no sound. but she hears the breathing on the other line. sohee is tense, hand gripped on her phone for dear life. what she’s so scared of, she isn’t sure. sana wouldn’t have called her to do anything like curse her out, right? (it would make sense. sohee wouldn’t blame her.)
she’s seen the post on instagram. sana was back in korea. why, she’s not sure. she had ended up staring at the post for quite some time. she couldn’t bring herself to like the post nor to comment on it. she’s sure sana wouldn’t have wanted her to do such a thing. after a few moments she had scrolled past it but it became a photo sohee wouldn’t frequently look at just so she was sure she wasn’t making it up. sana was back in korea and she seemed happier without them.
at least, that’s what she told herself. it’s the only thing that stopped her from doing something like text her or comment on the post.
hearing sana’s voice again smacks her in the face with all emotions she’s been trying to move on past since. it comes rushing back like an unstoppable wave; a tsunami of pent up emotions and unsaid words that almost make sohee sob in response. instead she sniffles, forcing her voice to steady.
( when she hears sana’s sob she can’t hold it anymore. it was a vain attempt. )
“n-no we’re…” home. what used to be their home. she breaks off mid-sentence. her mind is flooded with the thoughts that sana should be here with them. that this was wrong. there’s an ache in her chest. it had grown dull over the months but it felt like someone ripped off the still-new scab off a wound. it hurts more than ever now. she rubs her eyes, muttering a whispered, “oh god” as she attempts to regain some composure. “we’re back at the dorms. done for today.”
vanessa was still in the bathroom. sohee had some time before she comes out and questions why she’s on the phone crying. though it was better for it to be vanessa, who at least is aware of sana and sohee’s first interaction. it’s a shameful secret she carries from the rest of the girls. she doesn’t doubt if word ever got out, the girls would change their opinion on her immediately.
even as sana apologises…sohee can’t accept it. it feels so wrong. she shakes her head in response although she knows the other can’t see. it’s soon followed by soft, “no, no no,” because it’s not right. “you shouldn’t be apologising.” she sniffles. hearing sana apologise and grovel for something that she isn’t at fault breaks her. sohee takes a moment to breathe. to gather her thoughts.
“it’s not your fault….” she says with a suppressed sob. “i shouldn’t have been so mean. i know what i said bothered you. i’m so sorry. it wasn’t fair of me.” sohee has to stop. any more and she knows she’ll break down loud enough for the other girls to hear and grow curious. the last thing she needed was everyone in here, asking too many questions.
“i know you left because of what i said during pre-debut.”
[ CALL : 📲 tinkerbell 🧚🏻♀️ ] 00:07:36
sana is already shaking her head when sohee denies her apology and tries to apologize instead -- sejeong hadn’t accepted it right away, either, so she isn’t surprised that sohee’s initial reaction would be to brush it off, to tell her it’s not her fault when sana knows that there’s no one else to blame it on.
when sohee continues, though, sana’s emotions morph into confusion. “what you said...?” she mutters, her entire thought process thrown off. she has no idea what sohee could be referring to, what sohee thinks she could have said that would have made sana leave. there was their first conversation pre-debut, but sohee knows that sana wasn’t bothered by that. it was what made her trust sohee more, what helped her get her footing among the chaos of being thrown into the debut project late and so soon after becoming a trainee.
or at least, sana thought sohee knew her feelings on that.
her mouth drops open into a shocked ‘o’ at sohee’s words, and she realizes that she’s been even worse at communicating than she thought, which she wouldn’t have thought was possible, considering the circumstances of her departure from k.arma.
“unnie, no, i -- it’s not your fault! i’m so -- i’m so sorry for whatever i did to make you think that,” she babbles, her voice a bit stronger now. the stuttering she does now is because she can’t find the right words to say, not that she can’t speak around her sobs, so there’s that, at least. “i didn’t think you....i thought you knew i wasn’t upset by that. i told you then, you helped me feel better back then. you were the only one whose reaction to me i understood. it helped me get my feet under me when i was really out of my depth.”
she chews on the inside of her lip, unsure of how to continue. “you didn’t make me leave. i was....i was scared, unnie. i psyched myself out. i panicked and thought i wasn’t ready for it, so i ran home like a coward,” her voice turns fierce at these words, her anger at herself growing as she looks back on her impossibly stupid decisions. “i should have talked to someone, to you or vanessa-unnie or anyone before i just. ran away.” she’s crying again, her cheeks sticky with tears as the lump in her throat becomes painful again among her growing frustration.
the community center near sana’s apartment isn’t large or glamorous, and rarely gets attention from anyone who doesn’t live within a couple blocks of it, but that only makes it feel more appropriate for sana to volunteer there. there’s an after-school tutoring program that she helps out with. on fridays they have “music day,” where they get out the various, mostly-secondhand instruments that have been donated to the center and just jam out together. the kids love it, and in all honesty, so does sana. she misses music, feels the lack of performing like a hole in her chest, and this is nothing like music shows and giant showcases, but the kids all look at her with starry eyes anyway, so she supposes it’s better, in its own way.
today, though, is a thursday, and sana is trying to help 9-year-old taeha learn about fractions, but the girl is so distracted and excited that it’s hard to get her to focus. she practically bounces in her seat, pulling her legs up so she’s squatting on the bench, then shifting a few seconds later to sit cross-legged instead.
“come on, kiddo,” sana laughs, tapping the page in front of them when taeha takes a breath between rambling on about a game she and her friends made up at recess today. “we’ve just got one more question, and then you can maybe even teach me the game.”
taeha groans dramatically, but reaches for her pencil anyway, bringing one leg down so she’s in a semi-normal sitting position, her leg swinging and the sole of her shoe scuffing the linoleum floor on every pass. “fiiiine,” she says, staring blankly down at the page until sana taps again, this time on question three.
“can you read it, unnie?” she asks, and sana resists the urge to sigh. she should really be encouraging taeha to read to herself, but they’re also getting close to their time limit for the day -- taeha’s mother usually picks her up at around 5, and it’s already fifteen til, and sana does want to let her play a bit before she goes. so she clears her throat and reads the question aloud: “if a pizza is cut into eight slices and three are eaten, what fraction of the pizza is left?”
taeha’s eyebrows scrunch together, and sana picks up her own pencil, sketching a diagram on the page like she has for every previous question. “so here’s our whole pizza, and i’ll cut it into eighths. is that right?” she asks, stopping after only dividing the circle into fourths, just to check if the girl was paying attention.
“no, right, unnie? you need these lines too,” taeha responds, the laughter gone from her voice and replaced with serene focus, her tongue sticking slightly out of her mouth as she painstakingly draws nearly perfect straight lines across sana’s circle, successfully cutting it into eighths. “is that right?”
“well, count them and see!” sana says, and taeha taps each triangle with her pencil, counting under her breath. “there’s eight!” the girl responds happily, and sana beams at her.
“okay, so how many are eaten? look in the question to see,” sana prompts, and taeha looks back up to the question before pointing to the proper number. “three, right?” she asks, and sana beams at her again.
“right! so let’s shade in three pieces, to show that they’re gone.” she helps taeha with that, then moves her hand back again. “so what does the question want to know?”
taeha pauses again, her eyebrows furrowing as she looks over the page. “how many are left?”
“what fraction is left,” sana corrects gently. “so if there are eight pieces, and we eat three, how many are left?” she asks, and taeha takes a beat to do mental math before saying, “six! no, wait, five!”
“yeah! so if five pieces are left, and the whole pizza had eight, what fraction of the pizza is left?” sana asks, waiting patiently as taeha looks at the picture again and thinks. “five...eighths?” she asks tentatively, and sana holds up her hand for a high five. “great job, taeha!” she says, beaming as the girl’s face lights up as she slaps sana’s hand. “now how do you write that?”
taeha easily writes a messy five over eight underneath their drawing, then tosses her pencil to the table. “done! now can i show you the game? it’s called concentration!”
sana turns on the bench to more properly face her, holding out her hands in preparation for the clapping game she knows is coming. “of course you can,” she responds, her chest light with pride in the little girl she’s taken such a fondness to over the last couple of weeks.
minniesanas has uploaded a new video! ( duration: 3:39 )
LIKE A CAT - SANA COVER
27 APRIL 2020
the return to korea means the return to covers!! this time it’s luxe’s newest song, “like a cat!” let me know what you think, and remember to subscribe!
TOP COMMENTS
sanasgf - SANA’S BACK AND SHE’S HERE TO SLAY!!
karmafan01 - she’s so pretty! sana fighting!
youngday76 - at least she got off the public stage, but her voice still hurts my ears
miyeon cho - happy to see you back! great cover!
sanasgf - trc sign sana again and put her back in k.arma the group will flop without her
the video starts with the familiar horns announcing the beginning of the song, and sana stands from her crouching position, moving into the beginning of the dance and speaking ashe’s opening lines to the song. the concept is far more mature than she’s ever done on her channel before, or even that she’s done by choice for performances or auditions. but after being in k.arma and contributing to their image, it just doesn’t feel right to go straight back to the cute image she maintained before. this is taking it to the opposite extreme, of course, but she wants to show that she can do it -- that even after all that’s happened, she’s still versatile as a performer.
the dance moves are rather simple, and she sings along with them, though in the final video she’s edited her own recorded vocals back over the video, so the music blaring through the speakers isn’t enough to burst an eardrum. despite the dance’s relative simplicity ( especially when compared to some of the dances sana had to master while preparing to join and then debut in k.arma ), she focuses on them hard, trying to make sure she shows her dance skill and how it’s improved through the video.
kang hayoon was once disappointed in her for not showing her dance skills well enough in an evaluation, then then again because she overtaxed her vocal ability. on her third month of trc/g evaluations, sana performed a cutesy song that was right in the middle -- a performance designed to show her prowess not as a main singer or main dancer, but as a center, and she firmly believes that that performance was what got her into k.arma. knowing her place in the group, especially among the other, more talented members, was key for her to fit in among them.
( even then she still managed to scare herself off, to somehow convince herself that she didn’t deserve the spot she worked so hard for. and now she’s stuck back home, making youtube videos with a subpar camera and unprofessional setup. )
sana moves through the performance with all the confidence of the trained idol she was, throwing winks at the camera during key points of the dance. she doesn’t worry about doing the high notes, and intentionally adjusts a lot of cheri’s lines to make them easier on her -- the purpose of this isn’t to show off her impressive vocals, because she knows how average she is on that front. rather it’s to demonstrate her versatility, her dancing ability, and her charm. that is what sana has always focused on, what she’s always done to survive in this world.
and despite the fact that she’s already failed, she’s determined to continue to survive, to climb her way back to the stage.
the video ends with her holding the final pose and smiling at the camera, and she edits it to have annotation links to her channel and her previous video, like she always does. nothing in the video reveals the turmoil of sana’s mind, and that’s exactly how she wants it.
sana is really just torturing herself at this point. there’s no reason she should be walking by the trc building -- it’s such a roundabout way to get to the pharmacy, but she was only a couple blocks away and couldn’t help it. she’s got a mask on, anyway, so hopefully any netizens hanging around won’t recognize her and start rumors that she’s back in trc. she walks across the street from the entrance, looking over as she does, hoping that she seems like she’s just a starstruck fan looking in awe at her favorite company’s building.
she sees someone step out of the doors, though, and instantly recognizes her. the sight of the girl sends a jolt through her chest, and she makes a split-second decision. quickly looking both ways, she rushes across the street, waving halfheartedly to the two cars that slow for her, though one of them honks in annoyance. she reaches the other sidewalk and speedwalks to catch up to the other girl, pulling her mask off her face as she does to be sure that she’s recognizable, at least to this girl. “h-hyuna unnie?” she says, waiting for the other to turn around.
what are you doing, her mind screams at her. hyuna replaced you, she’s in k.arma because you left! why would you go up and talk to her! it’s too late to undo it now, though, so she’s stuck just standing there, waiting for a response.
it was k.arma’s first performance with hyuna. of course they would make some buzz with a new member in the lineups. especially when they didn’t do an official announcement of hyuna’s addition like other groups have. just a surprise: here’s a new person in the lineup.
but they had fun. the concert was great. it was the first time doing group performance in some time. sohee knew their comeback was just around the corner but they didn’t have any official works just yet. so for now they could laze about in their dorms after performances like these and not have to jump to the very next schedule. (sohee wasn’t sure if she was excited for comeback season or secretly dreading the early hours and long days.) but she wanted to be active. she wanted to give the fans something to look forward to.
mostly, she just didn’t want speculations regarding hyuna being added to the lineup.
nowadays it’s harder for sohee’s mind to drift to sana. the other left, with only a note left behind of her departure and her empty side of the dorm. naturally sohee blamed herself. she continued to blame herself for quite some time. sana had gone inactive on social media and sohee had been too torn up to even send a text message. she figured sana hated her. that she wanted nothing to do with k.arma since she left.
her mind tries not to focus on that time. sohee was near inconsolable during this time. vanessa tried her best but sohee knew it was hard to deal with her. eventually the guilt ebbed away into a suppressed memory. sometimes it leaks through, reminding her with a twist of the stomach of what transpired. of the empty feeling when ticket and news played. an emptiness in her heart, feeling and blaming herself for sana’s departure.
like a sick twist of fate sana’s contact pops up on her screen. but it wasn’t a trick of the light. it was a phone call. for the first time in god knows how long, sana was contacting her. she lets out a choked sob. her finger trembled over the touch screen of her phone. she ultimately picks it up.
“h-hello?”
[ CALL : 📲 tinkerbell 🧚🏻♀️ ] 00:00:01
as soon as sana puts the phone to her ear she wants to hang up. what was she thinking? why would she call sohee, especially when their relationship started out as rocky as it did? she wouldn’t blame the other if she didn’t pick up at all, if she deleted sana’s number completely. but the iqs video is paused on sohee’s smile, on her leaning against vanessa as the two of them laugh at something, and sana misses them all so much it feels like it’s going to tear a hole in her chest with the force of it.
as she’s debating whether or not to hang up and chicken out, the line picks up, and sana freezes at the sound of her unnie’s voice.
“s-sohee?” she asks, her voice coming out as barely more than a whisper. she clutches the phone tightly in one hand, the other coming up to cover her mouth as her eyes instantly fill with tears. just like when she saw sejeong again, the sudden rush of emotion at the reconnection with a k.arma member hits her like a tidal wave and sana can’t keep back the tears.
“i-i’m so sorry, unnie,” she sobs into the phone. “i -- are you busy? i just -- i can call back later, i-if you want,” she continues, her free hand rubbing uselessly at her cheeks as she tries to stem the flow of tears and recover at least a little bit of her dignity, or maybe give sohee a way out of the conversation if she needs it. “i just...” she trails off, biting her lip as she considers what to say, what she most needs to tell sohee right now. “i’m sorry for leaving. i wish i hadn’t. i wish i’d talked to you guys about it first. i miss you so m-much,” her voice cracks on the last word, and she squeezes her eyes shut and presses her mouth into her hand, a painful lump forming in her throat as she tries to hold back the worst of the tears.
she probably shouldn’t, but siyeon’s never really listened to reason. it’s sitting there on the table, almost begging to be read. that is, if notebooks could speak, it’d be calling her name in a sweet, high voice, promising her of the secrets within. at the very least, she should open the cover to see if there’s a name or phone number, right? so she can reunite it with its owner like an upstanding member of society would. because that’s what siyeon is — a kindhearted good samaritan. of course… just… one little peek won’t hurt, right?
she dashes around the counter, the queue empty anyway, and to the abandoned table before anyone else can beat her to it. the feet of the chair scrape on the floor but she pays it no mind, reaching out to gently drag the book across the surface and closer to her. it’s just an innocent peek. no one’s looking, anyway, right? no one will ever know she looked in it. she slowly opens to the first page.
three languages is the first thing she notices, more than her humble two. korean, english and japanese, though she can’t read the latter so she skips to her mother tongue. minatozaki sana. the same name as her k.arma bias, that’s nifty. completely a coincidence, surely? “well, there’s only one one way to find out…” she flicks to the next page, seemingly forgetting the world around her ( and the potential eyes on her ) as she begins to carefully read.
without a job or training to keep her busy, sana has been trying not to spend too much time in the house. she’s joined a dance studio and spends a good bit of time there, and also will use their rooms to practice her singing, when she can. when she’s not doing one of those things, she’s usually in a cafe or public library somewhere, poring over her laptop and stressing over all the productive things she’s not doing. except that stresses her out and tends to cause panic attacks more often than not, so in reality her time is usually spent doodling or drafting songs in her journal.
the journal almost never leaves her person — she started carrying it and using it every day once she moved to japan in november, and it’s become her lifeline ever since. it’s the one place she can release all her thoughts, unfiltered and raw, and not have to worry about consequences or a negative impact on k.arma or just causing her parents to worry. the journal helps keep her sane, so she keeps it with her at all times.
or at least, she tries to. she’d been struck with a lyric idea as she walked home that she wanted to write down, so she’d stepped to the edge of the sidewalk to pull out her journal and write it in the margins somewhere before she forgot. she’s still standing there now, frazzled and harried as she rifles through her bag despite having already confirmed three times over that her journal is not there.
she rushes back the way she came, barely dodging around other people, some of whom make noises of annoyance, but sana barely pays any mind. within a minute and a half, she’s bursting back into the cafe she left five minutes ago and making a beeline for where she’d been sitting — and she instantly recognizes the book in a stranger’s hands.
“hey!” she exclaims, unable to think of anything else to say between her panting breaths. she’s stayed in shape since leaving k.arma, but running while fighting off a panic can take a lot out of anyone. “that’s — that’s mine. it’s private.”
“yeah, sure!” yiren responds cheerily, quickly paying for the articles of clothing she had found at their current stall before the stranger can walk too far. “ah, you just have to have determination,” she smiles, “it’s like finding a needle in a haystack- if that makes sense.” yiren quips, though she’s unsure if the more american phrase would actually translate the intended meaning.
“here, it’s right up here,” she points to a larger stall about five booths ahead on their right, a sizeable crowd going in and out. it hadn’t been this crowded in the area when she was there earlier, so yiren wonders if more people had learned of the deals that this particular seller was having.
her thoughts are pulled from trying to find a good entryway when the ever-familiar stranger introduces herself. “ohhhhhh,” she drawls, and for a moment yiren feels absolutely silly for not recognizing someone as pretty as the sana. “i voted for you once on the mgas,” she responds after a moment, hoping that maybe now she won’t make a fool of herself as she usually does. “i’m yiren, and it’s really nice to meet you!”
sana walks along behind the other girl, and she’s tempted to hold her elbow or the back of her shirt to make sure she doesn’t lose her in the crowd, but they are still complete strangers, and that would probably cross one too many boundaries for both of them. so she doesn’t do that, instead doing her best to dodge around people haggling for deals and looking for their next target while still staying close enough to the other girl’s side.
the sound of realization catches her attention, as sana has already forgotten about her previous worry over being recognized. the mention of voting instantly has her heart skipping a beat, though, and she looks away from yiren, humming a bit in response to give herself time to come up with something to say.
“it’s nice to meet you too!” she says with a smile, and she honestly means it -- she even appreciates the subtlety yiren seems to be approaching the subject with. “and thank you so much; that means a lot to me.” after a pause during which they search in vain for a way to get closer to the booth, sana adds, “we went thrifting during the mgas. remember the instruction performance? the team and i thrifted to find the outfits we wore. this reminds me a lot of that -- the cameras didn’t come with us, so it was a nice time away from the show for a bit.”
after the tension that she undoubtedly made within her own group of friends, yoohyeon felt the intense urge to try something new– a new game, to be specific. instead of making yet another riot account to start grinding league of legends she decided that it’s time to give overwatch the chance to win her over and boy, did it win her over. it took her only a day to get used to it all, it took her another few days to actually get a hang of it, but before she knew it, she was hooked.
while she is used to play both alone and with friends, yoohyeon has grown accustomed to the luxury of live updates through discord and chat systems– that is precisely what she did in this new game also, which ultimately resulted in an occasional friend request. some she sent, and some she received. now, there was a major skill difference between sana and herself, but that didn’t necessarily matter, they clicked regardless and yoohyeon honestly found relief in that.
she needed something like this to keep her mind from spiraling, catastrophic thinking isn’t her trait usually, but it has become so as of late. eagerly, as eagerly as she can when she is stuck inside a dark place, she greets the other female. “hey! i hope i didn’t keep you waiting,” she is smiling as she gesture towards the empty chair as to ask if she can sit down. “may i? wah, it’s weird to see you in the real world~ you are out of this world, so pretty!” she says, genuinely.
sana looks up from her journal ( which she isn’t even really writing in – it’s just random cat doodles at this point ) when she hears someone address her, and she smiles at the sight of the girl in front of her. “oh, no, i’ve only been here for a few minutes,” she says, closing her journal and setting her pen on top of it, ready to chat.
she can’t help but chuckle at the other’s choice of words – she’s heard that exact phrase from someone else recently, a high school-aged boy who recognized her as a former k.arma member and couldn’t help himself from commenting. it was a great interaction with a fan, and sana even took a selca with him, but it’s interesting to hear the same phrase now, just a few days later, but in such a different context. it doesn’t seem like yoohyeon recognizes sana at all – she probably just recognizes her from her twitch streams rather than the photoshoots she’s done, which is kind of a nice change.
“thank you, but you’re one to talk! you’re super pretty too~” sana replies as the other sits down. “you’re yoohyeon, right? it’s so nice to finally meet you in person. i feel like i know you already after playing together and watching your videos so much,” she laughs, but it’s kind of true – she only became friends with yoohyeon after a couple matches with her a little while ago, and once she found the other’s youtube channel she found herself watching many of her videos, or at least keeping them on in the background while she gets ready for the day or for bed.
jaemin isn’t one to pry – he really isn’t – but if all he can hear are whispers of a certain someone, even someone as nonchalant as him couldn’t help but grow curious as to why those whispers began in the first place. he’s not one gossip ; but it’s sickening how malicious those words were beginning to sound as they circled like vultures ready to strike their prey. not like he’s been faced with this type of dilemma before – sure people in his high school talked frequently about him, but never to this scale.
never enough to warrant any type of emotional rise from him.
so, jaemin sighs – casting one last glance at the group who continued to spout unreasonable nonsense ; he moves from where he had originally been standing to linger at the side of the girl who’s been at the attention of these gossips since the moment he had stepped into the shop. “hey – sorry it took me so to get here, i got lost.” he leans in close, hoping the invasion of personal space isn’t one that alarms her ; voice dropping to a volume only she can hear, “hey – just pretend you know me and let’s go, yeah?”
sana has been trying to shake the impulse to feel paranoid about being recognized -- it’s not necessarily a bad thing. in fact, the few times she has been recognized and approached since moving back to seoul have worked out rather well -- mostly just fans wishing her well and excited to meet her. this is the first time that a stranger recognizing her as a former k.arma member has worked out poorly.
the girls in the coffeeshop are downright cruel, and they seem to pay no mind to the fact that their whispers can hardly be classified as such, since they carry in the mostly-empty shop well enough for sana to make out every word. “isn’t she an idol?” “she was in k.arma, but she left. i heard she got kicked out because she wasn’t a good enough singer.” “she’s not even that pretty.” [ tw: racism ] “and it’s weird that she was the only japanese one in the lineup, right? the group is much prettier without her. i bet she doesn’t even speak korean.” [ end tw ]
sana clutches the strap of her bag with both hands, hard enough that her knuckles turn white. the comments are a cruel repetition of the anxieties her own mind has been providing for months, and it’s disheartening to hear fans of k.arma speak so poorly of her -- how many other fans think the same way? was it really best for the group that she left? would she have only continued to drag them down if she stayed?
she jumps slightly at the sudden voice behind her, turning to meet eyes with a total stranger, though his own seem to apologize and implore her to trust him. sana’s heard plenty of horror stories about girls walking around with strange boys, but she really wants to get away from those girls. at the same time, what if they took a picture of her leaving with a boy? the reason she hasn’t snapped at them yet is because she doesn’t want to damage k.arma’s reputation -- if a rumor starts up about her dating (or yelling at some random girls in a cafe), it could harm both her career and k.arma’s by association.
she can’t see an easy way out of it, though, because the girls have gone silent, apparently paying rapt attention to their conversation. “ah, but i’m waiting for my coffee,” she says, gesturing to the barista working behind the counter, hopefully on sana’s latte. “it’s really good to see you again!” she adds, inspiration striking her. “we haven’t seen each other since middle school. how have you been? i’m so glad we were able to meet up today.”
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