road rash burn

this is my diary/journal so have fun reading about shit thats happened to me i guess. at least this is the original plan. we'll see where this takes me. pronouns are he/they/she

[road-rash-burn]

i can’t say i love you without feeling like i’m lying

does that make me a horrible person?

maybe it’s because you didn’t believe me when i did say it

maybe because when i did, you’d scoff and turn away

not all the time though

now that i’m thinking about it

now that i’m starting to remember more

even when your reaction was positive,

did it ever feel truthful to say those three words?

probably when i was younger

probably before things turned sour

but it’s hard to remember when you started to twist my words

when you started to tell me that i didn’t love you

so i guess i’m not a terrible person

how can i be when you are the one who made me believe that i am lying when i tell you i love you?

[road-rash-burn]

why does it feel normal when we argue

but not when we don't?

it doesn’t make sense

i find comfort in the hostile environment

maybe because when we’re not 

all i can do is anticipate the sour fight that i know is coming

maybe because when we’re not

all i can do is observe the tension rise till it snaps

maybe because when we’re not 

the anxiety that comes as i wait for our next brawl

is worse then how i feel when you raise your voice at me

--

my resentment towards you has built over time

now it's overwhelming

i struggle to sit in the same room as you

having a ordinary conversation feels like i am pretending when i am with you

--

you make me out to be the bad guy 

i'm not saying that i've never been 

but you seem to think thats my role in everything

i'm not saying you are the bad guy all the time either 

but take some responsibility

--

“I get it. I am a terrible person,” you say

expecting me to console you

expecting me tell you different

in past i would have

but now i'm tired

i will not tell you different

i will let you sit with that thought

--

you seem to be confused about me leaving

as if you can’t see how broken i am

as if you don’t realize the damage you’ve caused