Close my eyes

Ghosts of her Past||Robbie&Rae

Rae had disconnected from the conversation completely. It felt like she was watching herself from above. All she needed was popcorn and a soda and it would be perfect. It was a strange feeling to say the least, a feeling she had experience a few times after what had happened to her. Her eyes were glazed over slightly and she stared at nothing as her brain completely detached her to spare her the pain. The reason that she disassociated was because her brain couldn’t handle the trauma. She had only vaguely mentioned her attacker, but it was enough for her body to flip a switch. She didn’t realize it because she was off in her own little world, but this would turn out to be a blessing for her. After all, it was much easier to say something when it felt like you were saying it in a dream.

She wasn’t talking to Robbie, she was recounting the tale to herself. “I suppose I was young and very naive.” She began in a deadpan tone. “I thought the world was a mostly good place and that nothing bad could ever happen to me. I was invincible. After all, I had River and he would protect me always. The world I lived in wasn’t stable to say the least, but it was peaceful. It was supposed to be peaceful. I was so stupid. He was tall and older. I suppose I was a little afraid when he came up to me, but I still agreed to go with him because I never thought it could happen to me. God Rae for someone who claims she’s intelligent you’re a bloody idiot. I didn’t even fight him off because I was too much of a coward. I just laid there helpless. It was my fault it happened.”

She didn’t notice, but at that moment tears started to fall urgently down her face, but she kept on. “He took my first kiss, I had been waiting so long for that kiss. It was supposed to be special. It was supposed to be with someone that I cared for. He…he took my v…vir…virginity.” She spat out as if she was trying to expel poison. “It’s not fair.” She wailed. “I never even got to fall in love. I’m ruined and it’s all my fault.

As her body language changed and her eyes stopped returning his gaze, Robbie’s own body tensed. There was something off about her, but he had no idea what it was. She was still talking, still aware that he was there, just in a different way than she had been before. Since he didn’t know what else to do, Robbie continued listening, his eyes carefully scanning her for any other small details as to what was going on with her. Things didn’t seem to get worse, so he didn’t cut her off or try to shake her out of it. If anything, he had a feeling that touching her would make it worse. What she was trying to tell him was distressing to her and she didn’t know him, not really. Trusting him with this was probably different than allowing him to touch her on the shoulder.

His stomach clenched as he started to realize where this was going. She wasn’t saying the words that he expected her to, not in the exact order, the exact phrasing that somehow his mind had decided she would say. Why would she? This was her story, her words that she had to say because she had to get them out. This wasn’t a daytime talk show or a scripted episode of Law and Order, this was her life, she was just recounting it to him. Maybe he hadn’t earned that right to know this about her just yet, but she told him anyway. It couldn’t have been easy and she was even talking to herself during all of it, but she was telling him regardless.

Listening to all of her words, he didn’t say anything until the very ending. Since he was Robbie, it was very hard for him to keep it all in. He wasn’t the type to just keep things in, they burst forth without any real warning, but he bit on the inside of his lip until he drew blood in order to keep his mouth shut. When she was done talking, he finally let himself respond. “Rae, it’s not your fault you did not do this to yourself. It happened, and I cannot tell you how sorry or how much you didn’t deserve it, but it was never your fault. Trusting someone isn’t a bad thing, you trusted the wrong person, sure, but going some place with him doesn’t give him the right to do that. The lack of saying no is not an invitation either, without consent it is…”

Getting up from his spot on the edge of the bed, he walked closer to Rae. “Listen to me, what he did, it didn’t ruin you, he’s the one who’s gone too far over the line to ever return back. He’s the bad one not you, he’s the rapist, you’re the victim, the survivor.”

Ghosts of her Past||Robbie&Rae

Rae wondered if he didn’t actually believe he was attractive. The way he scrunched up his face seemed sincere, but she wasn’t sure with him ever. He really was quite a mystery to her and it was a mystery she found herself eager to solve. “I’m not lying you know? It feels like anytime that I compliment someone they don’t seem to believe me. I don’t say things just to be nice. When I say something I mean it. I rarely ever lie. The only lie I tell on a regular basis is that I’m fine.”

She was stalling some more and she knew it. She just didn’t know where to begin with it. She decided that she would just allow him to talk some more instead. He seemed to enjoy talking and she enjoyed listening after all. Her blue eyes scanned his slight frame as he continued on about her. A smile instantly sprung to her face when he mentioned George Michaels and Ann. Rae watched a lot of television when she was traveling with her parents. They never really approved, but it wasn’t like she could study all the time. Even she had to kick back and relax once in awhile. After she had been assaulted she had watched even more television and had found solace in Arrested Development. To her it was one of the few intelligent comedies on the air. But that wasn’t what had made her smile, it was the fact that he had compared her to a couple on the show. The thought gave her involuntary butterflies that she tried to stifle. “He’s with Amy.” She whispered to herself quietly enough that Robbie wouldn’t hear her.

"You aren’t weird." She replied. "Or maybe you are, but that’s perfectly fine. To quote Luna Lovegood ‘You’re just as sane as I am.’ I think everyone is a little weird, but some are better at hiding it then others. Although that doesn’t really have anything to do with what I’m supposed to be talking about is it? I guess I’m just stalling some more. It’s just…I mean I haven’t really had many conversations with you. I guess I kind of thought you weren’t all that fond of me and that you were just being nice." She looked down at the duvet and shrugged.

After a few moments of picking at the duvet with her nails she finally spoke again. “It all started when I was…maybe I should start at the end. I have this secret. It’s a huge secret that no one else knows. I tell River everything and I haven’t told him this. It has started to isolate me from people I think. They can tell somethings wrong. I guess it’s pretty obvious that I’ve changed, River in particular can tell this. I think people think that I just don’t want to be close to them. The thing is I’m not close to them any longer.” She stopped for a moment and ran her hands through her hair. “I…I can’t be anymore. I know if they knew they wouldn’t want anything to do with me. I don’t want anything to do with me.” She stopped to pull her knees to her chest and start rocking back and fourth slowly. “He took everything from me Robbie. He won’t even leave me alone in my dreams.”

The thought of him being attractive was too far beyond the realm of him understanding so he said nothing and instead focused on what else she was saying. “Everyone tells that lie.” Robbie was quick to point out. “No one actually ever wants to hear how you’re doing. I mean try being honest with someone when they ask that and see if they even notice because usually they assume you said fine and say something like oh that’s good like it’s just any other conversation in the world. But it’s I don’t know, it’s really shitty and that’s how life goes sometimes, but I’m sorry if that lie weighs heavily on you. Just know that if I ask you that, you can say the truth and if you ask me I’m definitely going to tell you everything that’s currently on my mind.” Though she probably never had to wonder what was on his mind, at least now she knew she’d get the truth from him whenever she wanted it.

Ann had been the most normal person on the show when it started out, showing a rough contrast between the Bluths and Ann who seemed so ordinary that she stuck out like a sore thumb. Rae wasn’t exactly the most ordinary person in the world, but she seemed normal in spite of all of the chaos that currently surrounded not only Robbie’s life but her own. He had no way of knowing whether or not she’d even know the reference or realize how mismatched it was considering they weren’t a couple and Ann wound up engaged to George Michael’s uncle. Missing the words that she told herself, Robbie tucked the thoughts of Arrested Development away in favor of the conversation before him.

Robbie smirked at her words. “Luna always said the best things. I hope you weren’t just quoting that because I’m British.” His words came out serious, but he hoped she’d pick up on that he was joking with her. “Look if I didn’t like you, I’d be very vocal about it. You haven’t done anything to me to not make me like you. You haven’t picked on me or bullied me or made me feel like I’m lesser of a human because of my asperger’s. You’re good to Amy, she adores you, and that goes far in my book. I mean, sometimes her taste in people is questionable, but we are all allowed at least one not so great friend. Because even in that it shows that she’s better than me, or at least better at seeing the good in people who might not otherwise deserve it.” Though he was rambling, he was talking about Cody and the boy’s treatment of him. Amy still seemed to love him in spite of it, despite Robbie’s constant questioning as to how anyone could be friends with such a giant dick. Of course, now he was getting them both farther and farther off topic. “I’m sorry, no more rambling.”

“Anything to do with you? Look I know we just met and all of that, but I doubt anything you’ve done could really ever make anyone not want anything to do with you. I mean you’re not giving off the sociopath vibes or anything…” Giving her an ever so small smirk, he tried in vain to lighten the mood temporarily. He didn’t know what she was talking about though, so hopefully he wasn’t diminishing the pain she felt from the weight of whatever this was, such a thing wasn’t his intention at all.

Even Robbie could pick up on the fact that she was in distress he just didn’t understand why she was feeling that way. So far she hadn’t said much about what she was thinking and he hadn’t pushed for much more information, but it was hard to decipher all of this information. All Robbie really wanted to do was get to the bottom of this now that it had started but he knew he could come on strong with all of this. “I’m sorry I don’t follow…” Was she talking about her brother? About some dispute? Or did it run deeper than that? This was why she was crying so he had to imagine it was much more than a simple sibling dispute. Maybe it had nothing to do with anything from home.

Ghosts of her Past||Robbie&Rae

Rae nodded. She did want him to stay. She wasn’t going to sleep anymore anyway and she needed to get this off her chest. She no longer wanted her secrets to weigh her down anymore and make her a shell of the person she used to be. She knew that she wouldn’t be able to tell those who were closer to her, but at least one other soul would know the one thing that she had managed to keep from everyone.

She listened intently as he rambled on about his Mother and other assorted things. Some may have found it bothersome or annoying, but Rae really didn’t mind. It may have been odd, but she actually enjoyed listening to him because it gave her a chance to focus on his words rather than her problems. Part of her wanted to let out what she needed to, but another part of her wanted to stuff it all inside and forget about it for the time being. She almost wished that Robbie would keep speaking.

She bit down hard on her lip when he stopped speaking to her. “It’s really okay you know.” She started. “I mean I don’t mind you talking. I mean you have a nice voice.” She paused for a moment as she absorbed what she had just said. “That probably sounds weird.” She admitted. “I didn’t mean for it to be weird. I don’t really know how to talk to attractive boys. I mean not that I’m attracted to you. I mean you are attractive.” She stopped and took a deep breath. “Maybe saying everything that comes to my mind isn’t so great after all. Although for the record I don’t think that the stuff you say is stupid.”

She put her thumb to her lips and started to gnaw on the side of her nail. This wasn’t going well at all. Maybe telling him what she wanted to say wasn’t the wisest plan after all? She didn’t really know him well, what if he decided to tell everyone her secret? Or what if he told Amy and it somehow spread from there? She knew that if they knew that they wouldn’t want anything to do with her and she couldn’t have that. She was already falling apart as it was.

She reached under the bed and pulled out a body. “Can you not tell Amy this?” She pleaded. “She isn’t a fan of me drinking. Honestly I’m not a fan of it either, but I don’t know what to do anymore.” She took a long pull from the bottle, tears starting to form in her eyes again. “I’m not sure if I can do this. I want to let this out, but it’s all a mess. Things have gotten so f’ed up Robbie and I’m sure you don’t want some weird girl to spill her guts.” She shook her head. “I’m really not sure how to even start this.”

He had a nice voice? Robbie made a face thinking that maybe she was talking about his accent, but he quickly realized that wasn’t what she had said. She specifically stated he had a nice voice and that was a compliment no matter how random of a one. “Weird is kind of my thing if you haven’t noticed, it’s going to take a lot more than that to truly weird me out. Not that it should be your mission.” Sometimes he thought that it was Paige’s mission to find what scared him and figure out how to use that to make him no longer afraid, like everyone could ever be as fearless as her. “Attractive?” Robbie’s eyebrows squished together so quickly and so perfectly it was like he had a unibrow in that moment. Without hesitation, he looked behind him and then around the room like she had to be talking to someone else. Finally realizing this wasn’t the case, he looked back at her. “Well I didn’t think that you were attracted to me because I’m not attractive. I mean I’m just nervous about whatever it is that you haven’t said so you’re stalling. I know a lot about stalling.” Anymore he seemed to be the master of it.

Robbie watched her as she dealt with her internal struggle, saying nothing because he wasn’t really sure how to gauge what she was doing or how he was feeling in that moment. Was she just bored with him? Or maybe tired? Did she even want to talk? He hadn’t picked up on her cues yet, he didn’t know what she was really like or what she wanted or didn’t want with these interactions. Maybe he was just annoying her by being there? Yeah, he was pretty sure that was it until she pulled out a bottle from under the bed.

Was it hers? Was it one his sister had left behind? Did it matter? Not really. But he couldn’t shake the feeling that he was out of his element as he forced his hands to be still for a moment in his lap as he looked her over. “I won’t. If you want me to not tell her then...I mean if it’s your story, if it’s your life, what right do I have to tell anyone else about it?” Of course, he was saying this thinking she was going to tell him about a nightmare, not about an awful past experience, an attack she had survived on her own without the support she probably needed. “You’re not weird, trust me. In comparison to me, you’re a member of the Brady bunch or or...I’m like George Michael Bluth and you’re Ann Veal...okay maybe that’s not the best comparison either...in the grand scheme of things, I’m weird and full of all of this….”

Sighing, he placed his hands over his mouth to shut himself up. After a moment of sitting like this, he finally released himself and frowned. “Whatever it is that you want to say, you can just start wherever makes the most sense. Beginning, middle, or end. I don’t care. If you need to get it out, if you want to, then you should do it. You might feel better when you’re done.”

I swear I didn’t mean. I’m not even sure what exactly is going on. Do people really do that??

Do what exactly? Have sex? Yes. Like what you saw? Probably not.

#c #rae

I just accidentally watched porn. Why would people like this?

Um I um...

#c #rae

paigebradleys

Alright, let me make one thing clear.

paigebradleys

Then I would tell you that I could make that happen real easily.

Do it, Paige, come give me a black eye.

#c #paige #ignore text

paigebradleys

Alright, let me make one thing clear.

If you pussies stay home instead of coming to the bonfire, I’ll personally visit you and punch you in the eye. Twice if it’s because you’re doing something lame like homework. See you there.

#robbie #an accurate representation of robbie when he was high #just add in the makeshift maracas

Wow, Paige you really know how to motivate people. What if I really wanted a black eye?

#c #paige

cine-monster

Comes a Bright Day (2012) director, Simon Aboud

Ghosts of her Past||Robbie&Rae

Rae didn’t really know Robbie all that well and usually she wouldn’t have stayed with him for that reason, but she took a chance. So far she was glad that she had taken it because Robbie seemed very nice, if not a little closed off. If Amy liked him then he couldn’t be all that bad even if he didn’t seem like he cared much for her.

It was probably for the best however because Rae felt an attraction to him that she couldn’t exactly explain. It wasn’t that she liked him per say because she hardly knew him, but there was something there she couldn’t put her finger on. However her friendship with Amy meant a lot to her and she just couldn’t do that. Sure she hadn’t seen Amy in many years, but there are some people that remain in your heart even after you leave them. For Rae, Amy was one of those people.

When Robbie showed up to her door, Rae wanted to tell him to please leave. She wanted to say that she needed to be left alone and that she was fine. The problem was that she wasn’t fine, not even close. She was breaking little by little and no one understood what was really going on. She hardly knew the boy at her door, but maybe that meant that she didn’t need to be afraid to spill her closely guarded secrets. Maybe there was a reason that Rae had ended up on his doorstep, maybe it was so that she could finally let go of this weight that had settled on her chest?

She looked up at him with tear streaked cheeks and nodded slowly. “I…don’t go.” She said softly. “Unless you want to. The things I want to talk about, well you might not enjoy hearing them. I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t actually.” She wiped at her face, tears still falling albeit at a slower pace. “You can sit down if you like.” She said, patting the bed. She wasn’t sure if this was a good idea, but she had kept this inside of her for so long and she felt sick about it. Maybe if she spewed out the words like one would vomit, maybe she would feel better? Or at least a little less broken. If he decided to never talk to her again after at least she wouldn’t be losing a close friend or family member. She needed to stop being so alone in her suffering and he seemed like the best candidate for the time being.

Robbie had only ever been in Sarah’s room once or twice before, it was strictly off limits to him. Sarah often used his room as a means to an exit, his window was better for sneaking in and out of, or so she told him. It was never something he thought much of, or even questioned until now. It was strange for his mind to wander to that particular thought as he entered his sister’s room and closed the door behind him. He couldn’t help but glance over to the window that seemed nearly identical to his own before shuffling his feet closer to the bed. He was nervous about being in there, part of him felt like Sarah would wake up from her slumber and she would know he was in her room and she’d call him to chew him out. Sarah always seemed to be one step ahead of him with things like that, but no call was going to come, or at least not one he would answer because his phone was still in his room.

“If you want me here, I’ll stay.” Robbie’s voice was quiet, it barely carried the distance between him, a side effect of him not really being certain what to say. What if he upset her somehow? He wasn’t sure he would be able to forgive himself. “You know this is the farthest I’ve ever been in my sister’s room?” Sitting down on the very edge of the bed, Robbie still looked just as out of place there as he did almost everywhere else. His eyes were wide, but he wasn’t really looking around anymore, just at Rae who didn’t seem to be doing any better than she had been before. “Look, whatever you want to talk about is fine by me. In fact, I am probably the key person to talk about to things that make other people uncomfortable. I mean, for one, I am almost always out of my element so that means you can’t throw me off too much. And secondly, I have been told that on occasion, I do give good hugs and even more rarely, good advice. Not that you’re looking for advice I mean you did say you just wanted to talk. Not even that you wanted to talk. I am pushing the talking subject on you because you know, sometimes it helps? And then other times it just really pisses you off. Like with my mom? She asks so many questions and she asks it in a way that you know that she’s not really looking for that answer specifically but answers to all of the questions she didn’t ask, like she invented some secret code for all of the questions you’re not supposed to ask your teenage son...wow wait sorry.”

Robbie’s head hung low as his shoulders hunched over and he pulled at the edges of his hair in a rhythmic tugging until he finally stopped and looked up at Rae once more. “Everyone gets mad at me for my incessant rambling, you can too, you can also cut me off to say whatever you have to or want to say. Most everyone else does anyway.” His hands fell to his lap, though it was clear that one of his hands was still moving, a tick that wouldn’t go away until he calmed himself down.

“I’m sorry, this wasn’t supposed to be about me. Talk all you want, about anything. Maybe it just needs to come out. Just you know, close your eyes and pretend you’re like me, pretend you have to say every single stupid thing you think.” Arching one eyebrow at her, he leaned his body in toward her while still keeping his butt firmly planted on the edge of the bed, one foot still touching the ground with the other tucked under himself as he sat. He was trying to prove that he was ready to listen by doing all of this but he was pretty sure he just looked like an idiot.

Ghosts of her Past||Robbie&Rae

High pitched screams erupted out of Rae’s mouth as the man in her dream came closer and closer to her. Her eyes shot open and she could have sworn that she smelled the putrid scent that she had experienced as the man violated her in unforgivable ways. She had many dreams like it before and they all followed the same pattern; she would see the man coming for her, a smile on his lips that unnerved her. He would promise that he wasn’t going to hurt her and that she wanted what he was about to do. She had always wanted it he would reason. Why else would she have climaxed when he sexually assaulted her? In the dream she would shake her head no, but she knew it was true. She would let her guard down in that moment and that’s when he would grab her. Moments later she would open her eyes just like she had now and scream out as if he was assaulting her all over again.

This time was different though. This time she saw him standing by her door, his cruel smile on his lips. “No.” She shouted out. “Leave me alone. Please.” Her voice sounded broken and weak, as if he had taken everything she had and what was left was merely a shell of the person she had been. This girl hid from the people she called friends, even her own brother who she cared about more than anything. He had taken almost everything from her and now he was taking her last piece of sanity.

“Please.” She pleaded once more. Her stomach rolled in protest, threatening to void the contents on Robbie’s sisters bed. “I’ll do anything, just don’t do it again.” She pleaded. “How did you find me? I didn’t even give you my name.” For the first time in a long time, tears started to stream down her pale cheeks and drip down her angular neck. It was like a dam had broken and she couldn’t do anything about it. Tears began to rush faster and faster and Rae started to shake. She had no idea why this time was different than any other. Perhaps it was the alcohol that she had consumed before passing out? Or maybe it was a mixture of the loss of a childhood friend combined with the terror she felt on a daily basis? Either way it was all spilling out now and there was nothing she could do to stop it.

The man that she swore she had seen was all, but forgotten as she continued to cry, her sobs filling the small space. She needed River, but she had left him for her own selfish reasons and was forced to deal with the consequences. She balled up the sheets in her small fist and willed the pain to leave her. At least she was alone, she had thought. Alone with the ghosts of her past, maybe that wasn’t a good thing after all?

Robbie didn’t have to deal with any nightmares of his own recently, just the persistent lack of sleep. His medication kept getting changed and adjusted for his anxiety, and with this newest regime he had been promised that he wouldn’t need anything to help him get to sleep, that it would be as easy as pie, something he’d never have to worry about again. But the promises didn’t live up to their expectations, which led Robbie to tossing and turning once more. Normally, his mind led a constant rotation of all of the awful things that could be happening at that moment instead of the good ones, but lately so many good things had been happening that at least he got to occupy his sleepless hours with thoughts of kissing Amy or making the fence on the roof with Kane or how proud of him Paige had looked when she talked to him about him jumping into the fountain. It was a nice reprieve from his mind working against him, but the house wasn’t as quiet as it normally was.

Rae had been staying with his family, and while it wasn’t really bothersome in the slightest to any of them, Robbie still was trying to get a feel for the bright but guarded girl. In some respects, she was similar to Amy which made it understandable as to why the two girls got along so well, but in other ways she was all her own. Rae wasn’t really making any hints of opening up to him, which exposed Robbie’s own inability to gauge another person’s emotions enough to react accordingly. Most of the time, he felt like she probably hated him, but was too kind to tell him off. The rapport Robbie had built up and took time to shape with Amy simply wasn’t there, more than likely causing him to appear indifferent to Rae even if she had made attempts to figure him out.

After hours of staring up at his ceiling and trying to force himself into sleep, he heard muffled sobs coming from the room next door. Through the years at the house, Robbie had heard many noises coming from his sister’s room, some good, some bad, some quite awful, but she had always told him to ignore it and leave her be. Once he realized it wasn’t Sarah, he decided it was probably best to go investigate and make sure Rae was okay.

Whatever had caused her to leave her own house in favor of staying at his had to be bad, and he was guessing it had something to do with the bruising she refused to talk to him about, possibly even what had her crying right now. Since his parents were probably going to sleep through it all, he opened his door and walked down the hall, knocking on Sarah’s door and listening for a response. He couldn’t really tell if she had responded or kept crying, so he cracked the door open. “Rae, it’s Robbie. I just...are you...do you want to talk about it?” Everything he could think to say didn’t sound right, but eventually the final thing blurted out in typical Robbie fashion. “Or I can just leave you alone, but you know - you’re - you’ve got the option. And I thought it was rude to pretend to not hear you when it’s not like I’m sleeping either.”