05

i didnt exist in the dark until i found you in the dark

[rocketsandbluelights]

being severely traumatized is so hard. i know my defense mechanisms are self sabotaging and toxic and bad. i dont want to be this way and im trying to change but its sort of hard to change something so integral to the way ive coped with emotional and mental anguish overnight... sorry i cannot be perfect i really want to be, i promise

[rocketsandbluelights]

i wish i was not me

i have a lot of mental health issues. im autistic, i have adhd, and im cursed with schizoaffective disorder. and while i hate all these things about myself and the way they affect my everyday life, it feels like everyone around me hates these things about me more than i do.

i have a hard time making friends and maintaining relationships because not only am i in a constant state of paranoia where i think everyone is out to get me and every little thing is "a sign", i also dont understand what friendship is really supposed to look like. i struggle with understanding what kind of friend everyone around me wants or needs me to be. i wish people could tell me outright what they expect of me as a friend, but it irritates people that i just dont understand it right off the bat. im unreliable, i dont mean to be, but i just get so depressed and stuck in my own head that i cannot do anything.

i feel like no one really knows me, understands me, is intrigued by me, or really enjoys me at all. i have few friendships and a lot of my friendships end because the more a person knows me, the more they grow to hate everything about me. i hate the way that i am. i dont like feeling like an outsider all the time. i dont like that i cant grasp social concepts as quickly as everyone else. i dont like that everything sends me into so bad of a panic that i cannot bring myself to leave my bed without screaming and crying. i dont like that im hard to be around.

i wish it didnt feel like everyone around me hates me. im actually a really nice person. i like music, movies, drawing, crocheting, reading, making coffee in the morning, ripe tomatos, the feeling of sun against my skin, the rush of rollercoasters, the way my stomach hurts from laughing too much, and other normal things too. i try really hard to be nice and considerate, id like to think i have a very big heart. i just wish i wasnt so Troubled.

[rocketsandbluelights]

CD Collection

so i have a whole nikes box full of CDs i own and i just want to quickly share my little collection online. i hope to get some music suggestions based off my current curation :D

boris with merzbow - 2r0i2p0, fiona apple - fetch the boltcutters, christie front drive - first lp, death cab for cutie - forbidden love ep & transatlanticism, first day back - forward, modern baseball - holy ghost, american football - lp3 & lp4, sleepytime trio - memory minus, pool kids - music to practice safe sex to (cassette), owen - other people's songs, everyone asked about you - paper airplanes paper hearts (cassette), the get up kids - problems, the jazz june - the boom the motion and the music, car seat headrest - twin fantasy (original and rerelease versions), and hum - you'd prefer an astronaut.

as for wants, ive been seriously eyeing hayley williams' edaabp on cd It is suuuuuch a good album. genuinely obssessed, ive been listening to it so much that im like mourning a relationship that doesnt exist. also really want pee's now more charm and more tender on cassette and Yeah i actually want a lot of more music now that im thinking about it in more depth than normal Lol. ok i hope to get suggestions so if you have any and you stumble across this post.. pls lmk i am also open

[rocketsandbluelights]

hi tumblr

yes, i am back... um I sort of graduated high school and now i am really bored all the time again so i decided to pick up blogging again but this time im gonna try really hard to keep this blog super lowkey and not put any real deadlines on my posts. i feel like thats a reason why i stopped blogging despite being really excited for it at first LOL

(edit) i also decided to delete all my old posts to give myself a super fresh restart on this account Sorry!

[rocketsandbluelights]

AOTW May 16-24

First album of the week on my brand new blog! Scary!!

This week's album is Glocca Morra's 2012 album, Just Married. Emo rock at it's finest!!!!! It stands at 31 minutes and 8 seconds with 11 tracks, and each one is AMAZING!! If I had to pick a personal favorite though, it'd be tied between Irrevocable, Motherfucker or Theories On Relativity By David Nicholas By Glocca Morra.

Glocca Morra is was a Philly-based indie-punk band from around 2007 or 2009 (sources seem to float around those years) to 2014. The band's original lineup of members were Zack Schwartz, Arik Dayan, Jean-Paul Casanova, and Ruben Gallego (with Nate Dionne taking over for Ruben around 2011.) They're all still friends, or at least that's what Zack said in a FaceBook post, but they have confirmed as recent as January 2021 that the band is never getting back together.

The album is actually considered a rarity since it hasn't been repressed since.... I believe it's release? (someone correct me if that's wrong) I really hope to get my hands on an official record, or to at least someday burn my own CD with this album on it LOL. They have another album but I haven't actually listened to it yet. Once I do, I will review it for you all ASAP!

Kinda makes me sad that I'm too young to have experienced a Glocca Morra show, but if splitting up was the best thing they could've done for each other, than I'm happy for them. RIP Glocca Morra! Much love!