Fire Emblem Fates Conquest Early Game
Garon: Kamui, did you get the tools from my tool shed?
Kamui: Yes, father! Here they are!
Garon: Well done, Kamui. I am proud of y–
Iago: Hold on just a second, Mr. Garon. If you notice, the hammer is a bit dirty.
Garon: What!? What is the meaning of this, not polishing the tools before bringing them back?
Iago: Not only that, Kamui also used a stepladder to reach the tool box.
Garon: What insolence is this, using aid of any sort in my request?!
Iago: Mr. Garon, it is clear Kamui is a blight and should be put down right now. Here’s the shotgun, now let’s go outside and–
Elise: W-wait, wait! I gave Kamui the stepladder! They didn’t ask for it! If anyone deserves to be punished, it’s me!
Leo: One second, please. It was I who purchased the stepladder in the first place, in case this would ever happen. Following the logic of consequence, it’s me, not Kamui, who deserves to be punished.
Camilla: Let’s not be hasty, everyone. Father, I told Kamui it was ok to bring back the tools without polishing them. We are running short on polishing oil, and an unsightly hammer still accomplishes its task. If that angers you, then perhaps you should take it out on me instead of my precious Kamui.
Xander: Enough! Father, I arranged for Elise to tell Kamui where the stepladder was, which would make me the root of all this issue. Without me, nothing would have happened, so shoot me in the face.
Garon: Children, let’s calm d–
Xander: Shoot me. Right now. In the kisser. Do it. Shoot me or shoot no one.
Garon: Okay okay fine GEEZ. I don’t want to shoot anyone in the face, maybe. But, I do have a new task for Kamui. It’s only fair. You must go alone to the supermarket and get polishing oil. A child of mine should have no problem accomplishing this task.
Kamui: Yes, father! I will do it for you! *pulls out iPhone and starts looking for the best polishing oil in the area*
Iago: Hm… *sneaks to the garage and waits in his car, waiting for Kamui to head out to tail them*
Leo: Hm… *sends seven secret agents to tail Kamui with orders to keep them safe at all costs*
Camilla: Hm… *calls her friends at the nearby supermarket and tells them Kamui is going, so they better be nice to them and give them a discount*
Xander: Hm… *gives Elise very particular instructions on which roads are the safest, which polishing oil is Garon’s favorite, three bottles of water so they stay hydrated, and a light snack for the road*
Elise: Hm! *literally goes with Kamui, holding hands. Arthur and Effie are tailing them in very obvious disguises, riding bicycles*
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