Romantic Ruminations

[romanticruminations]

The Fabric

When I was younger, I used to feel like there was a bottomless dark abyss waiting to engulf me. When I felt sad, I could not see my way out.

But now, a kind of safety net lies between me and that abyss. 

As I lay on the floor, I feel it. All my friends, the people who have come and gone; the love I have given and received--woven together into a fabric that cradles me like a gently rocking hammock.

[romanticruminations]

Erasers

Yesterday, I was swimming in a melancholic pool of beauty and sadness.

Then today, a friend said, “Some men use their dicks as erasers.” 

I laughed for hours. 

He’s and idiot. Move, move on.

[romanticruminations]

Reflecting on a different kind of love today.

[romanticruminations]

Closure

As my anger subsided over the past week, I began to believe him. And what he wrote in a subsequent email, that although I may not believe him anymore, he had to tell me that he meant everything he said. A self-protective armor had led me to believe that he had meant nothing, and that I was just one in a long line of empty flings. When I took off the armor, I realized that I was much more important than I had led myself to believe.

This morning, I woke up with a certain kind of determination and emailed to say that I wanted to meet. He replied quickly and I went to his house. He spilled his guts out for three hours again, and told me the story of the only other time he felt like this in his life--when he first met his ex-girlfriend, whom he dated for 13 years.

When we met, he thought it a pleasant surprise that he found someone to fall in love with. But as his heart began to open, a lot of misery came pouring out. He was frustrated at life, that he had a another chance for love but felt too shattered. After we parted last week, he had slept with another girl and wanted to crawl out of his skin for missing me, mourning his marriage, and hating himself for seeking empty sex but couldn’t stop.

We held each other. I told him my feelings, too. Then we had sex. I knew that this was going to happen, but in some ways, that’s why I was there, to seal the deal: a kind of interaction to serve as a token, a proof, that what we shared before was real. He was emotional, and well, the sex act didn’t go smoothly, but it was honest.

Afterwards, I teased, and said to call me after he was done with his “slut phase.” He laughed but I could see it was not funny. When I began to get ready to leave, he couldn’t look me in the eye, and I could see he was on the verge of tears again. He said seeing me is great in that it opens his heart, but that it always leaves him shaken, for many days. I just gave him a big hug and left.

On the way home, I decided to forego the highway and took long way home; the local roads with ocean view. Something clicked in place. I love this man. I don’t know if it’s in any profound way that we say “love” in poetry or movies, or just that I see his humanity, and for this, I feel compassion, understanding and affection.

I realized that giving love makes me feel beautiful, and that withholding it often made me feel cheap, and undervalued. In past relationships, I had felt that I was foolish for giving so much even when I received so little. Now I see that the abundance of love I have to give, is really a gift. And I thank goodness that my cup is overflowing, and extend my gratitude to my truest friends, who  have helped to fill this cup, over and over again.

[romanticruminations]

Mood...

Judith Beheading Holofernes by Caravaggio

[romanticruminations]

Biocomplexity

I guess I will never know for sure what happened and I have to accept that. You’re going through misery, and clawing at any chance for distraction and validation. So you have to keep seeing many, different girls. You are not the first man I encountered on this fruitless journey. It is ugly, but it is what it is.

The last time we spoke, you said you were scared numerous times. I understand now, that my openness had that effect on you. It gave you an invitation to be yourself, but once you tried, you didn’t like what you saw.

Maybe because you find yourself unacceptable, you chose to be with someone who didn’t fully accept you, and this reflected in your sexual relationship. When I took you into my mouth, it was a possibility that I could accept you more, so you got scared and turned off. To let someone fully accept and love you, then to lose that, is much more painful than losing someone who never accepted you in the first place.

You said nobody ever made you feel so relaxed and comforted, and you were so happy you could cry. You also said that I made you feel complete. I’m happy that I was able to give you that for a short space in time, because you deserve it. You are complete, and worthy of love and acceptance, but you don’t know that yet.

Talking to you about your marriage made me think a lot about mine. You actually remind me a lot of my ex, when we first met. The way you speak a lot, with an adorable nervousness, and your enthusiasm about everything, including me. It was bittersweet to be reminded of a time when he was so adoring of me. But he also had the same fears as you, and would withdraw at times. That was really painful, and I don’t want to experience that again.

It was sad to hear about how your exes treated you, and it made me think about why we choose the relationships we choose. I used to depend on others for validation of what I believed of myself. Since I never knew if I was truly deserving of love, I chose partners who proved that perception. Because I experienced myself through what they felt of me, when relationships ended, the rejection was unbearable.

Thankfully, that has changed since I began dating again. A friend said to me yesterday, “You have given your heart to three men in the past year and they’ve all disappointed you. But I hope you give your heart to three more men in the next year, because I don’t want you to change.” He’s right. I have a lot of love to give, and a stubborn determination to be loved, because I know now that I deserve it.

So, thank you for giving me an opportunity for reflection.

As for your invitation to visit your workplace, while I accept what happened between us, the experience has highlighted that deep yearning and feelings of loneliness. I had many fantasies of us, living in different countries, loving cats, nature, and doing something good for the world, together. And well, I’ve always wanted to be with a scientist, in particular, a biologist with a big heart. So it’s a loss, and I have to let time do its magic.

[romanticruminations]

Boogeyman

Five days before I turned forty, I met you. Twenty days since our meeting, I sit down and close my eyes.

I breathe. What is there?

The feeling of loving is there. The memory of you clinging to my embrace. Me caressing your face lovingly; you drinking it all in like a thirsty child.

With your eyes closed, you said “I love the way you touch me.” And I said, “The way I touch you is the way I feel about you.” “How’s that?” you asked, and I replied, “I like you and I want to take care of you.” You said that was incredible. It me so happy to give you my love.

The feeling of being loved is there. The way you reached out and held me when I felt sad. Your big hands gently caressed my back, my hair, my face.

The way you told me so many times how wonderful I was. The time you woke up momentarily to say, “Oh my god, I adore you.” Then fell back asleep.

Your love was like a field of tall sunflowers on a summer day. I walked through it, stopping often to close my eyes, so that I could breathe it all in and feel the sun on my face.

That’s why I was always smiling.

The feeling of mutual affection is there. Like honey mixing into tea. It was warm, sweet, and so nourishing to drink. We merged, slowly, swirling inside of a lovely cup that we had created together.

How I gazed deeply into your children’s eyes as they spoke. Through my eyes and my ears, that listened deeply, I offered them my love. I wanted to embraced them, feed them, and love them.

The feeling of physical love is there. Saturated deep colors that changed from cobalt seas to bright red blood, to the deep purple at the end of a sunset.

The caressing, the squeezing, the moaning, to the quickened breaths. We drank each other in. Exchanged a unique sensuality, that only the two of us could share.

In a dark corner, lies the feeling of not trusting. The fear that the boogeyman is inside of every man. The feeling that behind all good things lies a dark secret; a monster.

When I was a small child, my mother took care of me. She sometimes needed me, and in those times, she was so kind and funny. Then a switch would flip, and a monster emerged from her and terrorized me.

I gained insults, bruises, and a fear of opening doors, for there may be someone hiding behind them, ready to hit me in the face.

In my adult life, I often chose men like her to be my companions.

And maybe that’s why when I found a single problem with us, I was expecting the boogeyman. So I ran away.

Now only the smell of coconut oil remains on the sleeves of my sweatshirt. Your daughter said you put it on everything--your hair, your skin… In between the tears, I bury myself in the fabric and breathe in deeply.

Who would have guessed that love lies here…

[romanticruminations]

Mirror

My smile is a mirror that reflects your light

As the light shines back on you

You hold up a mirror to me

Basked in the warm light the vessels of our beings begin to fill

Until we meet in the space between

Cradling each other’s hearts gently in our palms

[romanticruminations]

[romanticruminations]

Phosphorescents

I’m writing this the day you left, so I wouldn’t forget all the lovely details of our week together.

Do you remember August 24th? The night that I sent you a message, even though I already had a date scheduled. It was a Thursday.

You seemed to be creative, uncomplicated and honest. Lately, it had become like a job to find a partner, and I had laid down some ground rules, like not bothering with travelers who were just passing through. But maybe because I had recently become exhausted in the dating process, I thought -- Fuck it. Why not? At least I’ll get to talk to someone creative, and that’s always fun!

I did my best to end the dinner quickly and called you. You were standing at the parking lot, and we exchanged casual hellos before I parked in front of your hotel. My first impression: friendly, tall and gentle. You took me to a bar with a Jamaican theme, and we had drinks on the veranda as the place emptied out. You were mellow, and I felt really comfortable sitting there next to you.

Then, as we picked up a lot of alcohol at Lawsons, I already sensed we were headed to make trouble. I was giddy. It felt so natural walking with you to the beach, even when we climbed over (you stepped over, I, more like hauled my body over) a fence to get there.

My memory gets fuzzy about all that we talked about, but hours flew by. Then I announced I was going swimming and stripped to my bra and panties. You took everything off and ran after me, until I convinced you to put your underwear back on. I caught everything in my peripheral vision and thought, wow, he must be very comfortable in his body.

There were phosphorescents. As I waved my arms in the black water, they lit up like stars. Above us, the clear night showcased the Milky Way. I don’t know how long we swam before I moved in to kiss you but you met my kiss right back. You said I was a good kisser. We kissed for a really long time, and played in the water, as the night patrol made several trips past us. At some points, you were swimming with a plastic cup of whiskey. It was fun.

Our swim came to an end when you got stung by the jellyfish. On shore, I poured some shikwasaa juice on it, which you said made it feel better. We kept drinking! On the way back to the hotel, we saw that one of the bars that had been made into a shack was full, so we stopped in and ordered a beer each. Everyone was friendly and talked to us. Then you gave the Uchinaguchi salute “Kari!” and everyone raised their drinks with a roar.

We took a bath in your hotel, although I don’t remember much of it. I know that we fooled around, but the details are lost. The only solid memory I have is looking at the clock and seeing it was 4:30 AM. I fell asleep as you held me. I felt so happy to sleep and to wake up in your arms. We made love that morning, though we were both tired and hungover.

We drove to the port where you were to catch the boat to Zamami. When we arrived you hugged and kissed me passionately. I remember a couple standing behind you, staring at us, stupefied. I laughed inside, soaking in the happiness imparted by your big affection.

Time began to warp around this time, as I moved about my normal life: teaching, cooking, eating, sleeping. Periodic messages from you stood out like punctuations: warm, colorful, open. I felt you were reaching for me, from the island. When you asked if we could meet upon your return to Okinawa, I felt we were in synch. Both swimming in the same river, headed in one direction. I was happy.

After you returned to Okinawa on Sunday, I cooked dinner for you. Although I’m still not sure how much you enjoyed it. I wanted to let you experience the simple staples of Okinawan cuisine. You were very gracious though, and I felt appreciative when you offered to wash the dishes.

We made love that night. But as you fell asleep, I remember that your body motions seemed exaggerated, uncomfortable. You woke up many times because your ear was bothering you. I eventually made you valerian root tea, and within ten minutes of drinking it, you were fast asleep. Eventually, I too, fell asleep, feeling satisfied that I could help you.

On Monday, I met with someone who worked on base in Ginowan, so I drove you to your Air BnB and then to the hospital before heading to work. I felt sorry to know that you had an ear infection, because I knew how much you wanted to get your diving certification. But I also knew this would add to our time together, so I was happy about that.

You suggested we adventure on Wednesday and Thursday, while you recovered on Tuesday. Tuesday was long, as I waited for Wednesday to arrive. I began to have some confused feelings, like what am I doing with this guy? A bit scared that I already liked you so much. I spent some time counseling my best friends overseas. I didn’t sleep much that night. A talk with my friend who was losing her daughter to cancer, and wondering how to process my feelings for you, kept me up for a while. But I rallied and picked you up amid the rain, and we began our trek north.

You had begun to ask about my project and various things about the political situation in Okinawa. The fact that you spent time reading about it on Zamami really impressed me. I thought it was great that you were interested in seeing the bay, and understanding more about the US military occupation on the island.

In Ginoza, at the farmer’s market, we decided on campling, and stocked up on vegetables. We continued our drive north, stopping at the grocery store to pick up more provisions. You fell asleep as we wound through the mountains from the east coast to Aha, where we would spend the night.

You were an expert with the tent. I was tired from the lack of sleep and driving, but I marveled at your detailed explanation of how to make a tent. I hadn’t asked, but I guess you thought I wanted to know. You were sharing your knowledge about something you were passionate about, and I really appreciated that. Thank you.

During this time, I daydreamed about living in Australia with you. We would go camping together, just like this. And I would feel safe in your company, because you seemed like an experienced camper. I watched you move about, as you set it up, and thought the way you crouch into a little ball while sitting on the ground was so adorable.

After the caretaker left for the evening, we walked up the stairs towards a trail. A flight ahead of me, I saw you do a jump (and a dance move--hop to the side). Then I saw the black snake, seemingly swimming on air, with its head raised high. I thought maybe it was the poisonous habu. We decided not to go walking after that.

As expected, you expertly lit the coal fire, after we found some kindling. We grilled mushrooms, eggplant and fish. On the side, we had tomatoes, cucumbers and onigiri. At this point, I was steeped in a fantasy--to be with you totally alone in the middle of the mountains. All set up with a tent and a fire; stars beginning to show above us; night breeze cooling down.

We laid on the wooden bridge looking at the stars. Although I was tired, I wanted to stay awake to prolong the experience of the special evening. Two times, a pair of military helicopters zoomed past us, flying very low. You joked that they were there to survey us. Maybe they were.

Before sleep, we made love in the shower. Standing in the stall, I felt how tall you were, and wondered if the difference in our height would create problems in our sex life. But you were such a generous lover. I felt so good, appreciated, taken care of. I enamored of your long, lean body, and wondered how I could manage to caress the whole length of it.

In the tent, you held me tight, wrapping your long legs around my midsection. You fell asleep. I listened to the birds and insects calling into the night, and was eventually rocked to sleep by the distant waves of the ocean in the distance. During the night, you woke me to have sex. I remember the weight of your body on me, and looking up at the stars through the leaves.