Happily Never After

Rome | Writer | Photographer | Non-binary

[rome-writes]

06/03/2026 5:41 AM

Left: Public Story.

Right: Close Friends.

Cold turkey running this shit along with a tight chest and side stitch, I am feeling euphoric and refreshed. Like, runners high vibes. Still, I know I did not overdo it because I do not feel any pain on my legs and the tightness on my side and chest were just during the all out sprints.

I remember a year ago, I started running to run away from my feelings and looming decision to end things because it’s just not working out in my relationship.

Now, I’m not sure, health wise aside, I don’t think I want to escape my grief. Still, I felt alive, as the rain also drizzled over me. I feel like dying from over exerting myself while feeling alive the most during my rest. Like the burning sensation in my throat and breaths and the dryness and thirst for liquid. It’s like pushing yourself to feel something else. Again, the reason why I ran back then.

Ever wanted to scream out loud? Try over exerting your sprint to a max and don’t stop until you hit your desired distance. Like when you feel the tightness in everything, do not stop, just walk, and keep pushing it. Well, please don’t if you have asthma or heart problems, but it’s a nice escape for me.

[rome-writes]

Itzy Born To Be World Tour Manila Stop | August 03,2024

Mixed emotions for their next upcoming concert here in the Philippines. Had to take a VIP seated ticket than a standing one, because I still want to enjoy the show without any physical pain after.

Still, excited to see OT5 finally! I just so know that a lot of people will get bias wrecked by Yuna and Chaeryeong. Don’t get me started with Ryujin, she’s got me wrecked a lot these days.

[rome-writes]

05/31/2026

Are you a religious person or someone active in church? I used to be, but I’m not sure what happened along the way? It used to be I wanted to serve for the people, then I realized, I can’t be a pastor because one is assigned in a community and prospers there. I don’t think I have the commitment for that. That’s why I pursued journalism, because I aspire to serve the people without religious biases or any bias at all but to the truth.

Kind of a huh, opener, right? I just thought of it as we celebrated our church’s 80th anniversary. I’m thankful that I was born and grown in a Christianity based religion and to factor in the protestant approach, which is sadly sometimes not practiced nowadays.

I’m happy to see my mom prosper in her role as our church’s lay leader, she’s nothing but amazing, kind, compassionate, understanding, and open minded, like how she deals with me.

Definitely glad to see her hyped that our church anniversary speaker was the United Methodist Church’s Philippine Bishop.

I myself, despite everything, still believes that there is a being above and of course, other superstitious and star signs aligned guidance. They may not make the final shot, but I know everything happens for a reason. I may have my lapses, but I’ll remain faithful.

My tita and cousin kidded me, baka umusok kami pagpasok, well how about me as well?

After church, my mom was still busy with her lay leader role so we left to rest for a while.

In the afternoon, I just knew that my mom is too exhausted to follow us, so we all decided to get her to go after our coffee, snacks, and pastry.

First round of drinks, cakes, and snacks were care of Dra. Abby, and the second round of chicken popper and enoki mushroom were by me and Adrian. (To overshare, these two are my only cousin from my mom’s side as their mother is my mom’s youngest sister and both are siblings with titles, still the two of them love me nonetheless with me having a dead brain, maybe I’m the happy go lucky one amongst us).

After our drinks, tita asked for us to go to SM, as Coco needs to get a nail trim because we’ve all been injured by his heavy paws.

One thing that you’ll have in a family is a family member who’s obsessed with photos, cue my tita. You can guess who’s the human tripod.

I think it’s been rare that I talk about my family here, my mom’s side mostly. I’m just thankful to have a sibling like bond with my cousins, after all I am their one and only cousin from their mom’s side.

The whole day, Ate Abby and I were making game plan for BTS’s Arirang ticket selling next week. I’m just manifesting and hoping I get a good queue line and get her desired seats. I’m not super into BTS, but I get her adoration for them as to how I adore Itzy.

Guess, this is how Sundays are supposed to be like. Even if my mom is busy serving the lord, I get her and will support her. It’s her calling after all. Definitely a rest I needed. Here’s to looking forward the weekdays!

[rome-writes]

05/29/2026

Alam mo yung may prepared spiel ka na on what you would want to discuss with your therapist and matothrow out lahat ito sa window with, condolences. Well, can’t blame her, same town din yung assistant niya and dad ko.

Mixed pa rin feeling ko being someone so strong or probably years of discernment and reflection that my I can handle mentally my lost and moving forward with life. Yes, I am allowed to feel sad, regret, and so much more about my dad. But I think I was astonished when I honestly answered, I don’t find myself losing motivation at work or in life. I don’t also find myself idealizing myself gone in this world because I still have that glimmer of hope that life will be different one day.

But I opened up to her, I have friends and yet I also feel so alone that I carry my grief alone and my mom has a probably different kind of grief. I’m someone who believes that there are different set of friends. Like some na mangrereal talk, some na nandyan sa good times, some na thick and thin nandyan. Yet, I do not know how to reach out and say, my heart and whole self is falling apart each day, I need some help.

Sure there are some IRL people here, but I don’t think they’re pretty much active here.

I’m grateful though, because I’m able to open up this kind of thing with a professional. When my grandma died, I was so closed with my grief that I literally passed out when her casket was placed. Now, I’m not afraid to say out loud that I’ve been crying and zoning out at past 3 AM in the morning.

I hate being strong and independent and accountable on my own. Pero wala naman magbababy pa sakin or someone to hold my hand and hug me tight na magiging okay lahat. Maybe one day again, but for now, I have to carry my own.

After my therapy session nagutom na ko and oddly naalala kong medyo sulit na ang donburi ng Tokyo Tokyo over sa Chaofan ng Chowking. Luckily, yung Tokyo Tokyo branch samin isn’t that crowded, another table for one and reflecting. Actually, sumunod mom ko and may sarili siyang check up niya na internally winoworry ko din. Same as me, binili ko din siya ng Pork Katsudon.

Right after, dumaan na rin ako sa Gong Cha. I think the only thing consistent or bumabalik sa life ko is yung Genshin Impact. I find it relaxing and comforting, also a quick gaming fix. Sobrang attached ako sa storyline since 2020 ng Genshin and also mga quirky characters dito. (Manifesting makapull na ng Ineffa pag nag rerun siya).

Not included in the photo. I also bought my cholesterol meds. It’s just so funny that I lost a lot of weight during my ordeal and yet mataas cholesterol ko pa rin. Maybe it’s my love of meat, beef, stress, and working at nights. Not sure, but, I’ll work on getting better again.

Here’s to dealing with grief one step at a time and moving forward in life.

[rome-writes]

05/27/2026

Took the holiday off. Back then I hoped to avail at least 5 or 6 weeks of bereavement leave, but my company only gave me 4 days of compassionate leave and the rest are my personal ones. I have no regret in taking them and spending my days during dad’s wake. So I’m seizing the opportunity with my situation and my manager being kind enough to allow me to take a rest, knowing I have a lot of grieving to do.

I needed to take more steps and walks after being sedentary again the past weeks and months along with just eating without any planning. So I roamed around BGC (holy fuck was it hot. Fuck pretentious architecture and environmental planning talaga).

I headed to the chapel first to pray for my dad, my mom, for myself, and for the decision I’m about to make. (have made as seen in the photo)

When I first started living around BGC and exploring the malls here, I used to look for stores with figurines like funko pops as a way to heal my inner child who loves toys. I never got to start a collection, save for a few items. I love looking at funk pops, but could not justify the pricing and spacing in my place.

Anyways, I visited Fillbar’s at Uptown Mall again and I couldn’t help but feel the clutter with too much items like blind boxes as well. Though, the Snoopy blind box in a ramen almost got me. It’s cute but I think I’ll have real noodles though.

Aside from buying a refrigerator from my first paycheck, I’ve also invested some gadgets that I still use to this day. My mantra for the longest time has been buy nice or buy twice. Of course, expensive but quality and for a long time usage and not one time.

Since the start of the year, I thought of buying an iPhone 17 Pro. I had the budget, just couldn’t get to finding the time like when’s the best time. The answer is now.

As much as we’ve been all detaching from materialism, let’s admit it, sometimes an item has sentimental value and memories attached to it.

My iPhone 13 was a college graduation gift from my mom. It’s been through with me from 2 Itzy concerts, 1 Itzy fanmeet, 1 Itzy presscon, 1 relationship, first job, first promotion, first international travel after COVID 19, multiple parental birthdays, passing of my dad, and so much more.

Truthfully, I’m a memory hoarder so my struggle is phone storage and battery life, not like the end of the world and could be resolved. Still, I have a lot of events to attend in the future and need a phone working in optimal capacity.

Cheers to one of my most expensive purchases and investment in one drop.

One of my distant cousin on my dad’s side, said mukha akong suplado, maybe there’s some truth to that. I’m just really still shy and keep to myself. Today, I sucked it in and asked the staff assisting me to take my photo with my new phone. Embarrassing? Maybe. But the staff will forget about it, meanwhile I could regret not archiving the moment.

Lastly, on the table for one agenda and self healing agenda. After I made my big boy adulting purchase. I craved for Pho. Honestly, it’s been months that I’ve been craving it. I decided to take a chance at Pho Hoa. Thankfully decent price for a resto and decent taste. Although, I wish it had more leaves/veggies. Also ordered calamari like dish on the side.

I also saw the trending Gordon Ramsay pop up shop while walking home. Yeah, I can’t justify the price. Unless Gordon Ramsay is the one making the sandwiches.

As healing as it is to be with community. I really am an ambivert and find that what I did today healed me. Even if I didn’t buy the phone or ate an expensive meal. Just being alone and controlling my own time and destination is a healing that I cannot describe. Being in control and being able to breathe without rushing or having any deadlines or adjusting for some people.

I’m grateful for the people who’s been there for me since my dad’s passing and for those checking up, but as always, I’ve really been alone and nothing has changed from it. So, my healing, even if some are willing to lend a helping hand, I still am in charge of my healing. So, one step at a time. After all, this is a lifetime of pain.

[rome-writes]

05/26/2026

Second and last RTO for the week. While walking usual route to the office, I bumped into Aly, Shaine, and Raine looking for something to eat.

Middle picture is partially the Transcripts unit with us celebrating ate AJ’s (further left woman) 5th year at the company, on my colleague’s view about her, they say she’s a former DJ, no wonder her good vocabulary and good proofreading skills.

Last pic is us walking again at around 2 AM. Meaning that peak is once again downhill.

I guess the socialization is doing good to distract me. Thankfully people are considerate and some are just chatting their condolences without asking what happened. I’m just thankful I still have a job after everything since adulting requires financials.

Just wanted to log the day and remember before my memories fails me.

[fortuneaday]

[rome-writes]

05/25/2026

Needed a change if environment and have my alone time + had to check my place if it’s still intact. I have not yet looked around that much, thankfully there wasn’t much dust or dirt to clean.

Just realized as well, didn’t have much colorful outfits, so I don’t have to adjust with not wearing bright color fits for now. The shirt was a gift from my dad’s sister (my tita), apparently got it stuck around my cabinet and got to wearing it just now.

One of my dear teammate who’s like a mother figure to me kidded around that I should replace my tumbler. In my defense it’s still working, but then again, office and appearances. Never again to ceramic coated tumblers. Last flask for now. I really am not a hoarder of liquid holding items.

Sadly as well that motherly colleague of mine suffered a stroke and is recovering, sadly my manager said it doesn’t look good. So I am praying that she recovers along the way.

There’s so much contemplation with work and health. How everything is meaningless when you’re sick or worst, dead. There is so much to life.

[rome-writes]

05/23/2026

On things that I cannot control in life and let God do his will and the challenges he throws at me, I believe all serve a purpose.

Kahapon pa ko walang maayos na tulog as an AMERS shifter na need magpa approve ng HMO at ayaw lumakad ng hapon para mainitan.

So at 6 AM nagpa blood lab ako (spoiler alert mataas nanaman cholesterol ko, probably and obviously from puyat, stress with everything that happened, and lack of physical activity due to everything going on nga) and after nyan nag breakfast kami ng mom ko sa Mcdo.

Sabi ko sa mom ko, since nasa labas na rin naman kami, schedule na namin mga lab requests din niya for her health check up and everything going on with her.

Medyo eh pa rin talaga ko sa pagpalit ng company ko sa HMO namin, pero wala naman na to sa control ko. Kasi ironically sa iba pa ko nagpa blood lab dahil hindi available yung laboratory ng hospital na accredited sa HMO ko, tapos malalaman ko today na parang okay na sila after ko magpa approve sa iba.

Anyways, thankful ako na smooth pa rin ang mga approval para sa mom ko, kahit nagpapatingin din siya sa provincial na hospital + doctors samin. Hindi naman sa greedy ako, pero sabi ko lahat ng general lab and check up pagawa na niya dahil once mag 66 na siya, maalis na siya sa HMO ko due to the age restriction.

Luckily, nagkaroon kami ng chance ng mom ko na mag walk around kasi may malapit na park doon sa accredited hospital namin while waiting for the results.

Sabi ko nga sa threads earlier, may mga bagay na wala akong control and ipagtitiwala ko na lang kay lord, pero grabe din naman kasi ang stress at pagod na dumarating sa buhay ko. Hindi naman na ako nasa scarcity mindset ngayon, rather ay nasa let go and let God.

Sama mo na rin sa pag let go ay ang pagpili ko na alagaan ang sarili ko at maglaan ng oras, effort, care, at presensya ko sa mga bagay na mahahalaga para sakin.

Ang hirap din kasi pag itong grief ko ay mag spiral and hindi na lang ito endless amount of love, but irrational fear and anxiety para sakin. Alam naman natin lahat saan tayo papunta, pero sa ngayon mas pipiliin kong ibigay ang oras ko para sakin sarili ko at mahal ko sa buhay.

And if someone asks me, where does romantic love fit into all of this? Honestly, none, because I have so much on my plate. This doesn’t mean that it’s closed at all. I just won’t be actively pursuing a possibility and potential when I am falling apart and do not have the strength act chalant and playful persona when my life is full of struggles right now.

Honestly, I just might really and hopefully see my therapist soon to be able to process all of this.

Wala din akong mapag open up masyado on this thought process of mine and going everything after losing a half of me or who I was. Ang hirap dahil takot akong ma evil eye or anything na magpapala situation ko and ng mom ko.

Maybe at the end of the day I just need a hug. I don’t think I’ll be reassured that everything will be okay because life keeps on happening. Iba rin nagagawa ng grief sa perception ng emotions and identity mo. Like probably this manic thoughts of mine will be gone when I finally sleep and wake up.

Maybe my wish and prayer this time is if things will fall into places, may God give me strength to face all of this. If I can’t stop life from happening, may I have the courage and strength to continue grieving and moving forward as well.

[rome-writes]

05/21/2026

The consensus is, grief remains with you and the world does not stop moving for you.

I haven’t gotten back to the office yet, I’ve been worrying about my mom, but that also means I’m stopping myself to live my life if I prolong this worry. Valid as it is, I’ll just stick around till like end of May or maybe try to go back next week. IDK, I’m still in a surreal estate.

Grief works different for all of us. Mine is surrealism, forgiveness, and wonder. I could choose to be angry, but I don’t have a fiber left in me.

My therapist is still not available and I’d be seeing her next week. I’m trying to lessen my dark humor, but I’ll probably use that to cope, and she’ll probably decide this time around that I lost my nuts and bolts finally.

Another fear of mine in going back to the office is the how are you and what happened that is coated in care but really curiosity. I don’t mind remembering my dad as he is and the way his life turned out to be, but I would prefer not to discuss his last days because I would never wish for anyone to go through what I’ve gone through. Maybe one day when things are a bit better for me, I would relieve the memories and see it as a privilege, but not for now.

Really, even myself, I find it challenging to be there for a friend that lost someone dearly, on my end, from privilege to tragedy it is to live through everything alone as an only child. I get to live everything in life alone, and accept reality, that either a distant relative, a cousin, or a random neighbor will sort my affairs once I’m gone.

I don’t mind the I’m here for you if you need anything message, but like as the reels on IG says, the grieving do not know what they want. I don’t know either what I need. I know materialistic items won’t help either, cash wouldn’t as well. I wish to spend time slowly and find the beauty in everything as I know see time differently forever.

[take-a-dip-in-the-deadpool]

Heres a video of Andrew Garfield and Elmo talking about grief. Ive only seen it in gif form here on tumblr and seeing it in video hits like 1000 times harder.

[rome-writes]

Whoever had the idea to make people have feelings an emotions, I which I could slap you a million times.

Like how the fuck am I just appreciating going out for dinner on my mom’s side earlier and it’s now around 4:40 AM and I am crying over this tiktok clip of Andrew Garfield grieving his mom years ago.

Also what the fuck do you mean I am never going to see my dad’s teary eyed smiles whenever I visit him and spend time with him. How will I know that he is still proud of me now that I am lost in life.

How is it I’m an offspring of two different people and now I feel like there’s a fucking void inside of me. How do you deal losing a part of yourself. Of literally flesh and blood of you.

How my mom is probably grieving on her own, but will never understand me and how my dad meant to me.

There’s so much fucking going on here in the country. Sobrang ginagago na tayo ng gobyerno ng sagad sagad and yet, I feel selfish grieving my loss for a while.

Sobrang daming nangyayari, pero paubos na rin mga leaves ko or hindi ko na rin alam. Grief is fucking hard but I have to continue living kahit na I feel like my life is now stuck in yesterdays and todays and that I don’t know yet how to live in a world without my dad this time around.

Sino na magyayap sakin na namatay si kumpare niya or nagkasakit si kumare niya eh namahinga na yung nagkwekwento. Hindi na effective ang dark humor ko about my dad outliving them.

It feels like also saying goodbye to my younger self who in his heart wanted to one day be the one to fully look after his dad and care for him. We couldn’t be that person in this lifetime.

Younger me, I wish we matured more faster and accepted our dad for what he is and what he could offer than to grieve for what could have been. Still, I forgive you for being young and hopeful. We still made dad happy with how we lived our life. I’m sorry that you’ll enter your romcom or sitcom season one age of 26/27 dealing with grief. Not how I expected life to go, but rarely does life go our way.

Let me hold my grief for a little while longer like how I would want to hold my dad a little while longer.

[wholeheartedsuggestions]

forgive the version of you that didn’t know any better

[wholeheartedsuggestions]

forgive the version of yourself that knew better but did it anyway. forgive every version of yourself. we are constantly learning from our mistakes.

[wholeheartedsuggestions]

forgive the version of you that didn’t know what to do and could not have foreseen what the right choice was, if there even was one. forgive the version of you that made a choice and regretted it.

[rome-writes]

05/10/2026

No next lifetime or next life or parallel universe to back into. I do not want to wallow into the regret of what ifs and what could’ve been.

All that I’ve become in life is shaped by my experience. I’m lucky that these two human beings got together to have me.

But I would be lying if at one point in my life I did not feel envy or jealousy of kids getting picked up by their dad in school, learning to shave with their father, dating advices from a father, and becoming of an adult. I had to make do with what I got.

I forgive my father for everything he couldn’t become. A lot of relatives have said my dad has a lot of regrets and I do not want to add anymore. I will not ask for more and I have gotten all the love he can give. I wish he finds peace wherever the next place in life is. I wish to find healing when grief comes in the future.

[rome-writes]

05/08/2026

I don’t think I’ll ever get used to this silence dade, you’re the number one yapper between us. Despite me having a hard time with your topics, it’s my best effort to give time.

This’ll be the loudest silence for me. I have a guardian angel parent now. You’re free to follow me this time around.

[rome-writes]

05/05/2026

Not a perfect person, but I hope my dad rests knowing I’ve done all that I can to be the present son and have forgiven him for not being there even when he wanted so much but couldn’t.

Naka convoy pa kami kay daddy papuntang funeraria. Ito naman talaga ang destinasyon ng lahat, pero ngayong iisa akong anak ng separated parents, parang sobrang frustrated ko na wala akong makakaramay at all this grief and love ay ako lang mismo magdadala.

My biggest fear is playing in my head. Who’s going to bury you and grieve you one day? When all you have is yourself. No siblings, one parent down. I hate my head for remixing fear and grief all in one.

[rome-writes]

04/29/2026

Went out for a quick errand run + treats.

I don’t have any plans to go to the office this week since there’s so much workload and the fucking heat is pissing me off. I just needed to get something from the mall talaga.

I can’t quite expound my thoughts, but I have a love-hate relationship with Bataan as a province, specifically Balanga. Given that you’ve got shitty governance and political dynasty, sadly a norm in provinces. You’ve got toxic people with toxic political mindsets, rarely do I see freedom of speech/rallies being done due to the government fearing it a lot. I know I’m coming from a place of privilege and benefit here, but really, good governance here is nonexistent.

Politics aside, what I hate sometimes as well, even with the new malls being built or establishments, it still feels quite small and that progress is far from being attained. Like I feel that I have no proper third space to stay in and hang. Maybe because as well I’ve been going back and forth to Manila since my college years. Maybe what I really feel is that I don’t have a community or set of new friends aside from the ones I’ve established since high school. So most of the time, I end up staying in at home. It’s not the end of the world or a bad thing, but it does make me wonder, is my province really that small or moving forward or it just really doesn’t feel home that much anymore.

Of course, dahil siguro type a, type b ako na person na indecisive at times, what I love is when I go home. It feels like it still the place I left. When I feel overstimulated and overwhelmed with Manila’s noise, pollution, rat race, and crowd. I can go back here and disappear for a while. Hindi naman ako set in motion na tao. I’m still in a phase where I love to socialize then may times na gusto kong manahimik sa bahay talaga. So may gratitude pa rin ako to go home to a quiet place.

There’s really no one way to adult correctly, even if my current peers, co-workers, and work friends sees me as a congenial person and sociable, I still have the need to recharge my social battery. I yap a lot, but I also need my peace and quiet time.

Mostly my self care really is watching a movie alone, cafe’s alone, and going on an errand run alone. It helps me recharge and reflect how I want to navigate my life.

[my-dailydreams]