To Be or Not to Be (Part 2)
Here is the 2nd & final part.
Tons of angst, but salvaged in the end. As promised. No warnings.
Plot: Bheem & Jenny visit Jenny's friend's house. Chaos ensues there. And Jenny figures out the issue between Ram & Bheem.
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Ram’s words had really rattled him.
They hurt like hell, yes. What made it worse, though, was that it raised a bigger question for Bheem.
Did everyone think what Ram thought about Jenny? His own tribe as well? Sita? Did they all still see her for the colour of her skin and not how she had been with them the last 5 months? Was she….dispensable….for them as well? Someone not worth fighting for? Was their acceptance of her just lip service, for his sake?
It made Bheem’s heart hurt. His mind went into a frenzied spin.
He went to the place that usually gave him solace during such tumultuous emotions. He went to swim, to clear his head.
The water was chilly, given the time of the year and the almost set sun. It cut through his senses, making him temporarily forget all other sensations. That worked wonders.
After an extended dive, he just floated aimlessly in the water. While his heart & mind battled with each other.
Surely, his people had taken to Jenny, right? Malli had been asking him from day 1 when she could start calling Jenny Vadhina instead of Akka. Likewise, Loki had been planning their wedding since she arrived, offering to do the rituals his Amma would have done otherwise. The village elders and tribal council were ecstatic when he told them about their courtship and proposal.
How can you be sure though? Screamed his pained heart. You didn’t know Ram’s true feelings either. How can you be sure of anything anymore?
And it was true. He couldn’t be sure of what others felt. But he knew what the two of them felt and that was enough. It would have to suffice. Because the alternative would make him want to dive into the water again & never come up.
He also knew there wasn’t much time to wallow in his tribulations. Arrangements had to me made for the trip. Escape plans needed to be handy, should they be required. A sense of purpose took over again & he slowly strutted back to the village.
When he told Jenny that they would be going day after tomorrow, the girl was on seventh heaven. She threw her arms around his neck & kissed his face profusely, thanking him with all her heart.
This happiness was worth all his tribulations. His troubles paled in front of it.
He got her to write a response to Carol, in a way that only she would understand. Once the logistics were sorted, he looked into her eyes, dead serious, and made her promise to follow all his instructions till they return back.
Jenny was quite familiar with that look by now. He was this firm with her only when it was about her safety. Ofcourse she was going to cooperate. She would never want to add to his worries.
The dinner was a happy affair. Jenny chatted away about many stories of Carol & her. Bheem just looked at her & smiled, trying to capture all these moments to memory.
However, the night turned suddenly desolate. A strange sense of finality hung in the air. As if, things were going to change forever. As if, tonight was all that he had left with her. As if, the sweet little world that he had built with her would evaporate in thin air tomorrow.
She was laying in his arms, yet it felt like she was somehow slipping away. He needed to be closer to her to believe she was here.
Jenny was half asleep when he grabbed her waist & turned her around to face him. Next instant, his lips were on hers, demanding a response. She smiled and let him in, giving in to his urgency.
They stayed glued to each other for the next few hours. Alternating between sweet caresses & frenzied lovemaking.
Such spontaneous escapades were not new for them. But this one felt different to Jenny. This wasn’t just him seeking togetherness, comfort, love or solace. This had a sense of desperation, helplessness, possessiveness and even a hint of….sadness.
She grabbed his face, trying to read the myriad of emotions swimming in those stunning orbs. Was this another one of those weak moments when she needed to reassure him of her love?
He whispered against her cheek. A near whimper.
‘Stay mine. Forever. P-please.’
His voice broke as his fingers dug into her skin, harder than usual.
She kissed his face fervently, trying to match his urgency, pulling him back on top of her.
‘Shhhhh. I am right here, honey. I love you.’
After another hour of clinging on to each other, she passed out in his arms. Mentally & physically exhausted.
He pulled her on top of him & held on to her. Taking in her scent. Smelling her hair. Feeling her warmth against his skin. Caressing her body gently with his fingers & palm, so as not to wake her. Willing his eyes to not spill. Fruitlessly trying to prolong the night and hold back these moments.
Next noon, when they went to the small temple in the village courtyard, before starting on their journey, they encountered Ram & Sita on the way.
Jenny started walking towards Sita to greet her, but Bheem pulled her back, firmly holding on to her wrist.
‘We should go. Else we won’t make it to the city by nightfall.’
The tension in the air was palpable. It was very strange to watch the two men not greet each other with a handshake or a side hug or beaming smiles. Instead, they looked at each other with a blank face, devoid of any emotions.
Jenny looked at Sita with concern, who just nodded at her in return, nudging her to carry on & not press the topic right now.
Sita had repeatedly urged Ram last night to make things right with Bheem before their city trip. To not let this wound fester. She was astute enough to realise that Bheem’s forgiveness won’t come readily if the affected party is Jenny. It won’t be how he had readily forgiven him in the past.
But Ram had been adamant that, while his choice of words were inappropriate, his point still stood valid. He would prioritise Bheem’s safety over their togetherness in a heartbeat. How could this love, this passion of mere 5 months take precedence over EVERYTHING else? Ram couldn’t wrap his head around this insanity. Madness. Naïveté. Ignorance. And borderline foolishness.
It’s not your call to make. It doesn’t become madness just because you can’t relate to such depths of love.
Sita had thought this inwardly but had given up trying to explain this to Ram. Both Ram & Bheem could be like stubborn mules when they wanted to be. Hence, she nodded to Jenny to let it go for now.
As they walked away, Jenny intertwined her fingers with Bheem’s, as a sign that she was always there to talk about whatever was bothering him. He squeezed her hand in response but didn’t say anything.
The journey to the city was smooth, must to Bheem’s relief. They reached the safe house on the outskirts of the city by nightfall. While Jenny slept peacefully that night, brimming with excitement for the following day, Bheem firmed up some emergency escape plans with the fellow rebels, should it come to that tomorrow. Once done, he laid next to her, and just stared at her angelic face all night. Not wanting to waste a single moment in sleeping.
Next morning, they set out to the house in the back of a mini supply truck. Carol had offered to send a car or drive it herself but Bheem didn’t think it wise to be in an open vehicle in that part of the city. Upon reaching the address, they went via the backyard, as planned.
As Jenny rushed towards the stairs leading up to the door, Bheem quickly scanned the area for any signs of trouble. It looked like Carol had delivered on her promise. There were no British soldiers or staff in sight.
Carol had been pacing near the window and before Jenny could even knock on the back door, she flung it open. The two women paused, looked at each other, trying to believe that this was moment was real. Then, they crashed into each other and just burst into tears.
Jenny didn’t think she was going to see any of her loved ones from her prior life ever again. And she had made her peace with it. But this…had been so unexpected. She hadn’t anticipated such an outburst. Frankly, she wasn’t even sure why she was bawling her eyes out. Tons of lost memories came flooding back and the women just sobbed into each others’ arms.
Bheem, who was a few steps away, just observed from a distance. Tremendously moved by the emotion on display.
His heart could feel the joy & pain of the reunion. He was so happy for her. But this was a cruel reminder that despite his best efforts to give Jenny the love of everyone she had left behind, he had clearly fallen short.
His mind also started to play games. Making analogies with how Malli had cried & held on to him when he first found her behind the palace bars. When she was in captivity and looking for a way…..out.
Of all the outcomes he was fretting over, this thought hadn’t even crossed his mind earlier. That Jenny herself may not want to come back. It was such a kick to his gut that he nearly tumbled behind. But by then, Jenny had composed herself & walked towards him.
She smiled, held his hand & led him up the stairs. Carol put on her best manners to greet him. But Bheem didn’t miss the doubt & resentment she was clearly trying to mask. Frankly, he couldn’t blame her. In fact, Bheem gave her credit for how hard she was trying, for Jenny’s sake.
Carol led them in. Jenny & Bheem followed behind, hand in hand. The two women were chattering away at a rapid pace but Jenny never let go of Bheem’s hand. Never letting an awkward moment set in. Rubbing small circles on the back of his hand with her thumb.
Once convinced of no imminent danger in the house, he finally let himself relax & focus on his surroundings. The house was lavish & grand. It was minuscule when compared to the Delhi palace but it still had most of the luxuries & comforts of a palatial abode.
Bheem suddenly felt….out of place here. Exactly how he had felt in Jenny’s room that day. They had settled on the dining table, where some refreshments were being served by an Indian cook. He seemed to be the only one in the house other than Carol. The food looked strange. All the little steel items looked very puzzling. The plate looked so fancy & fragile. Bheem’s appetite turned to dread at the idea of eating at this table.
Jenny’s hand in his was a steady comfort, and he squeezed it for reassurance. When she turned around, Bheem reached out to wipe the tear stains from her face. She giggled at her silliness & he managed to smile back at her.
When Bheem yelped at the first sip of his tea, that she had mixed for him, Jenny blew into the cup. Then tasted it herself for temperature before handing it back to him. Both drinking from the same cup.
Carol observed their little exchanges keenly.
‘You two must be tired after the journey. Do you want to freshen up? I have the guest room set up for you.’
‘Oh, that sounds lovely. We will be back in a jiffy.’
Jenny tugged at Bheem’s hand and walked to the room that Carol had pointed towards.
The room looked a lot like Jenny’s room from the palace. Bheem’s treacherous mind again wondered if Carol had done that on purpose, to remind Jenny of how life used to be. Before she met him.
As Jenny freshened up, Bheem walked around the room aimlessly. Unable to decide where to even sit. Everything looked so shiny and expensive and soft. And new. He didn’t want to leave stains on anything without washing himself.
‘Thank you. For everything.’
Jenny hugged him from behind, resting her head on his shoulder. He covered her hands with his and squeezed lightly.
He felt her lips curve into a smile, as she snuggled further into his frame.
‘Your friend must be waiting. Why don’t you catch up with her? I will get some rest in the meanwhile.’
‘Are you sure? Is everything ok, honey?’
Bheem was glad that he had his back to her, so she couldn’t see his face.
‘Yes, everything’s fine. I am just a little tired. Couldn’t get much sleep last two days.’
She knew that was true, so didn’t press the matter further.
‘Sure, get some rest. God knows you need it. I will send something for you to eat.’
With one last cuddle & a kiss to the back of his head, she untangled herself from him & walked out. Bheem immediately missed her touch. And presence.
In the next few minutes, she sent over some refreshments. He knew Jenny had handpicked these because it was different from the spread he had seen on the table. This was stuff that she knew would be palatable to him.
Bheem settled down on the floor, finding that to be the most comfortable spot. And managed to gulp down a few items.
Then, after washing himself thoroughly for any visible stains, he finally moved to the bed. The mattress was too soft. And the sheet was too silky. He almost slipped the first time he tried to settle down.
The ceiling was too high. The bed was too big - he wondered how distant two people would be on a bed like this. Together but still apart. The room was atrociously large - as big as the school in the town nearest to his village.
Jenny was brought up with all these material luxuries. She could still go back to it all, if his love wasn’t holding her back. This was her birthright. This was the life she was destined for. Not the basic sustenance & modest belongings she had been reduced to.
Bheem couldn’t shake the thought that he was being selfish. That he was the guilty party here. That Carol was right - he had wronged her friend in more ways than one. By keeping her for himself.
It wasn’t too late. Maybe this was universe’s sign for him to make things right. Should he…should he just….let her go then? Is this what fate was pointing him to? Carol’s letter, Ram’s disapproval, visiting this place - were the stars aligning to make him see the light of the day?
Bheem buried his face in the pillow, soaking the soft fabric with his tears.
Not everyone gets blessed with love in their life. A love worth dying for. A love worth killing for. A love that consumed every other feeling. For most people, it’s a fantasy. A fairly tale concocted to give hope. But Bheem had found his love. His soulmate. He was living his fairytale.
Was his time up? Were the gods demanding him to give her up, after everything he had already lost in his life?
The memories of the last 8 months would suffice him for a lifetime. Even though the separation would rip his heart out, he would never regret a moment spent with her. Never wish it to not have happened.
It would make everything simpler for others. His tribe won’t have to adjust with an outsider all their life. He could go back to being fully devoted to his duty of being the Gond protector. He could focus single-mindedly on the needs of the revolution, without any distractions. That sure would please Ram. He wouldn’t have to constantly worry about her every time he was away on a mission. He won’t have to live with the guilt of snatching her life away from her. He had caused all this by asking her to come with him. Now, maybe he was destined to end it.
And she…well…she would be distraught. He knew that. She would be as heartbroken as he would be. But maybe….with time….and familiar surroundings…she would heal. And maybe she would find someone who would treasure her almost as much as he did. Who could give her a lot more than he ever could. Above all, she would be safe & well taken care of.
Her outburst from earlier was still playing on his mind. Was she holding her feelings in for his sake? Was she hurting inside but not letting it out? That would make her resent him at some point. Wouldn’t it be the wise thing to get ahead of that situation and act on it now?
Should he just leave? There would be no way for her to trace him. She didn’t know the path to the safe house or to the village. Maybe she would think that he brought her here only to leave her behind. Maybe the betrayal would help her heal faster. Maybe that’s the only way, because no amount of reasoning with her would make her see the point right now. Maybe that’s how to save her, even though it would inflict the worst pain imaginable.
Without her, he would be lost. He would immerse himself in his duties and in the service of his people. And would go back to living on the portions of affection he got from his tribe. But nothing would come close to her love. He wouldn’t dream of ever replacing her with anyone else. His heart belonged to her, even if she were to go away. It was her or no one else.
The village would start to haunt him. Every nook & cranny a cruel reminder of blissful moments spent with her. Maybe he could take up missions away from the village. Places with no familiar traces of her. Yes, he could put on a brave face. No one will know how he would be dying inside. No one ever knew. Other than her. No one read his face like she did. Quite simply because no one loved him like she did.
Bheem cried & cried into the pillow, muffling his sobs & hiccups by covering his mouth. At some point, exhaustion took over & he fell into a restless sleep, filled with nightmares.
Jenny came back a few hours later to find him twisting & turning on the bed. She snuggled into his side, wanting to find a few moments of peace in this god-awful day.
His arms wrapped around her, stroking her hair & her back.
‘Nothing. We spoke for hours and ran out of things to talk about.’
He used a tone to clearly communicate he wasn’t buying any of that. Then, he kept her hand on his head and asked her again.
She sniffled into his chest, and his arms tightened around her.
‘I….it was a mistake. I should have never asked you to bring us here. She doesn’t get it, Bheem. She doesn’t get us. She isn’t happy for me, for us. I thought she would be the only one to understand but she doesn’t.’
This didn’t come as any surprise to Bheem.
‘What did she say? Tell me.’
‘No. It doesn’t matter what she said. I don’t want to revisit that. It’s of no consequence to me.’
‘But it matters to me. I am asking for a reason, Jenny. Please?’
She couldn’t refuse him, even if she tried. So she edited out some parts & shared the less hurtful bits.
‘She said that it’s time for this adventure to be over. That it’s not practical. I am not using my head. She thought I would stay with you for a few months & then return. After having an experience of a lifetime. After living the highs of an exotic, passionate love, I would return to my senses & to the life always destined for me. She said I am being a foolish, brainless girl by throwing away my life & my fortune. All to follow this notion of love. Which will burn out one day & I will be left with nothing.’
Jenny couldn’t tell him that Carol also doubted whether Bheem’s interest in her was purely carnal or if there was more to it. One day she will not be as pretty & he won’t fawn over her as much. She was depriving not just herself but her future kids also of everything life was meant to offer to them. How was that fair to the kids? How could she be that selfish?
She had also said that while Jenny had given up her world readily for Bheem, he would never do the same for her. If not UK, they could have settled in the US where people of colour had also gotten rights after the civil war. And Jenny had enough family in the free world. She could also access her fortune in that geography. They could be together yet live with all the comforts. Away from the clutches of the empire. However, Bheem would never do that for Jenny. He won’t follow her blindly like she had followed him. What kind of love was this, when only one side had to give up everything?
Bheem could tell she had omitted a few things, but he got the drift of what was said. And how Jenny would have reacted to the whole thing.
He lifted her arms and settled her on the pillow on her side, facing him. Jenny held his palm & kept it under her cheek, leaning into it.
‘Is love always supposed to be this hard? Have you ever wondered why it couldn’t be easier for us?’
‘We don’t value the things that we get easily in life. Maybe that’s what makes this worth fighting for.’
She said without missing a beat. Without an iota of doubt.
‘People will never get it, Jenny. They will never understand. Even the ones closest to us. The ones who know us the best. The ones who love us the most. No one will get it. Can you live with that?’
She cupped his cheek and stroked his beard.
‘This isn’t about them. This is about us. They don’t need to understand, as long as we know where we stand. It doesn’t have to make sense for them, as long as we commit to make it work. Honestly, the naysayers haven’t felt love like this. That’s why they don’t know why we do what we do to make it work. Why the alternative is not an option. They don’t have what we have, my love.’
The confidence, trust, assurance and determination in her voice chipped away at his fears.
‘Will that be enough, especially if this happens?’
He stroked her belly while saying this, and she instantly knew what he meant.
‘Not if, when. When this happens. And yes, if our love is enough for us, it would be enough for the little ones too.’
His voice broke & she kissed his forehead, knowing fully well how much having a family meant to him.
But this time, while gazing into his orbs, she didn’t miss the emphasis on the words ‘the ones closest to us’. It took her no time to connect the dots.
‘Your tiff with Ram - it’s because of this right? He said something about me, about us?’
The pain in his eyes told her all that she needed to know. Despite herself, she came to Ram’s defence.
‘He loves you, Bheem. You know that. He would have said it with your best interest in mind. To protect you, save you from something.’
Bheem looked so appalled by that statement that she paused to reconsider what she had said.
‘By that logic, your friend loves you. She said what she said to protect you from what she thinks is not in your best interest. Do you forgive her? Do you feel bouts of affection for her right now?’
He shut her up decisively with his logic. She made one last attempt, because she could see how much this was hurting him.
‘Carol & Ram are not the same. We never have to see her again but Ram is an integral part of your life. This rift…will continue to cause you pain. Would it not be wise to just let it go, just this once?’
This time, the anger on his face almost made her retreat.
‘You are right, Carol & Ram are not the same. Carol doesn’t know me. Hence she has made these assumptions about me, about us. But Ram has seen you for months. MONTHS. He has seen everything we have been through. Everything you have done to adapt to our world. Heck, he has been my confidante through it all. If after that also, he doesn’t know my heart, doesn’t understand us, then he is much worse than Carol. A zillion times worse. When he disrespected our love, he disrespected me. He insulted me. HE HURT ME. I don’t give anyone the right to speak of you this way. ANYONE.’
His teeth gritted with anger, pain and frustration. Jenny scooted closer into his side, stroking his chest.
‘Shhh. I am sorry. You are right. This is between you and him. I should not have presumed to know the context. I trust you to make the right call at the right time. And, I am always here to support you in whatever call you make.’
His breathing eased after some effort, and Jenny leaned in to kiss his cheeks. He was still very stiff, though, so she decided to change the subject.
‘Being with you in this room reminds me of when you came to my room in Delhi. Gosh, I was so excited that day. Flailing here & there. Thinking if you liked me too. Or if it was all in my head. That day, after you left, I imagined what it would be like if you…kissed my hand. Or my cheeks. Or…my lips.’
She looked up to find him gazing intently at her.
‘I thought about you too, you know.’
‘Yes. A few weeks after we had escaped Delhi, we were in a small town. Everyone had gotten a good meal that night & a comfortable place to sleep. They all passed out after dinner but my fears didn’t allow me to sleep. I was exhausted, had barely rested at all in a month. I shut my eyes for a few moments, trying to find some magic wand to bring me some comfort & peace. Then I saw you. In that yellow dress from the party. You were smiling at me & then you looped your arms around my neck. I felt such bouts of warmth & coziness in that moment that my whole body started tingling. It felt like a warm blanket had wrapped around me. Like 100 puppies were nuzzling into my face. Like my Amma was singing a lullaby to me, as I rested my head into her lap. I pulled you close and my eyes dropped down from yours, to your cheeks and then to your lips. I couldn’t stop looking. I couldn’t stop tracing them with my eyes. I couldn’t stop wondering if you would ever….if I could ever….if someone like me could even dream this unreal dream of…if gods could ever smile on me that way. When I opened my eyes, something had changed in me. I knew then….how much I missed you.’
Bheem wiped the tears that had involuntarily escaped her eyes.
‘You….never told me this before.’
‘I guess I was waiting for the right moment.’
‘Bheem. Take me home. I want to go home.’
When Bheem looked at her wide-eyed, she repeated her words slowly.
‘Take. Me. To. Our. Home.’
Home. HOME. She was here yet she didn’t think of it as her home. She wanted to go with him. To his home. To their home.
Bheem leaned over her & gave her a bear hug. A crushing bear hug. She struggled underneath him, since he had forgotten to balance his weight on his elbows.
‘Gosh - move Bheem. Do you have any idea how heavy you are?’
He realised what he had done & balanced himself over her but didn’t move away just yet. Not before catching her lips in a deep kiss. She stopped struggling immediately.
‘Remember this kiss as you think of us together in your room that day.’
They left soon after, spending the rest of the day in the city & the night in the safe house. Reaching their village early evening the following day.
As they walked up the mud path, Bheem admired the way Jenny deftly navigated the terrain, barely needing any help from him anymore. His heart swelled with pride at how much she had accomplished in a short period of time. How much she had given to be one of them.
He decided to speak to the village council to not wait for 3 months for the next auspicious wedding date. He didn’t want to wait that long to marry her. She had wanted to follow all traditions and hence wait for 3 months but after the last few days, Bheem just wanted to make their commitment final. To tie them together in an unbreakable bond. To shut all the naysayers up. Once she is his wife, he would dare anyone to speak of her, of them, the way Ram had spoken.
On their wedding day, he would also take a promise from Jenny that if anything were to happen to him or if he was in imminent danger, she would consider going back. He had managed to speak to Carol before they left & figured out that Jenny was considered kidnapped / missing by the British. She wasn’t a suspect. So she could always go back later, saying she escaped. That’s why he had taken Carol’s permanent coordinates. She may think whatever of him but she would be an ally when it comes to Jenny’s safety.
Bheem walked, deep in thought, almost out of muscle memory. But Jenny stopped midway, tugging at his hand which was leading her ahead.
He followed her line of sight to see Ram waiting there, at the edge of the forest, some distance away.
Bheem didn’t know what to feel about it. So he stayed still.
‘Bheem - C’monn. He must have been here since forever. He had no way of knowing when we were coming back.’
There was more to Ram’s fears, on whether Bheem was walking into a trap, which she didn’t know. Bheem also knew he wouldn’t have told anyone else and must be fretting over it all alone.
Jenny tugged at his hand again and he huffed in confusion. But in the end, he decided to briefly nod in Ram’s direction. Ram nodded back instantly.
And Bheem started to walk away, dragging Jenny behind him.
‘Are you serious? That’s it? Did he even see you? Shouldn’t you go over & atleast talk to…’
Bheem flipped around to give her a decisive look saying don’t push it. And that he would throw her over his shoulder & carry her back if she doesn’t keep moving.
She pretended to be irritated but smiled inwardly at his antics.
As they walked back, Bheem was convinced that his approach was right. This time, he won’t forgive Ram at the drop of a hat. Ram was not going to get away with hurting his loved ones thoughtlessly.
If Ram wanted Bheem’s forgiveness, he would have to earn it.
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That's it on my angst train. Hope the journey was worth it. Pls do feel free to let me know what you thought of this one
Won't be able to write in the near future - work is crazy. Hope you enjoyed what you have seen so far.
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