if i fell into your arms (could i trust you to make no sound?) — unrequited!mcvadi
inspired by this btw | full the pitt masterlist
s2ep15!mcvadi; angst, cigarettes, regrets, unspoken feelings, unrequited!mcvadi, victoria has a crush on mckay, unrequited love
inspired by the song How To Teleport by Jane Remover
The roof smelt like smoke before the fireworks even began. Not cigarette smoke—though McKay had the smell of Marlboro Golds woven into the fibers of her zip-up hoodie which was now tied around her waist loosely. The smell was sulfur, summer heat trapped in concrete, the city finally breathing after another day of many losses.
McKay is standing near the edge of the roof with her hands shoved into the pockets of her sweats, shoulders slumped, looking at the sky along co-workers, waiting for a spectacle to occur, a miracle.
As the first firework goes up, Javadi walks up behind her, a can of beer in her hand. The firework blooms above the skyline in bright red, hanging for a second before it fractures into a thousand smaller lights. Around, the rest of the staff gathers in loose clusters. Despite the hard day and the exhaustion wearing all of them down, a soft laugh is heard every now and then. A soft smile on Samira's face, Perlah's hands around Dana's shoulders. McKay looks tired in the way doctors do, and Javadi notices immediately—the quiet concentration, the exhaustion that settles behind the pair of analytical eyes. She steps up beside McKay, close enough that their shoulders touch. She tips the beer can towards her, "That's my second one, can you believe it?" she mumbles, looking up at McKay.
Cassie turns her face towards her, "You're fast," she smiles, "when did you have time to finish the first one? We just got off the clock."
Victoria shrugs, "I've got my ways." she smiles softly. Another firework explodes in the sky, then another.
They're both silent until Cassie speaks up, "That’s it?” she asks, watching the sky again. “No speech?”
“I wasn’t aware I was supposed to prepare one.”
“You usually have a thought.” McKay shrugs, voice raspy and tired.
Javadi smiles despite herself, beer doing its job on an empty stomach, "You make it sound like a medical condition.”
“It probably is.” McKay jokes.
Another burst of gold in the sky, then blue. McKay still stares ahead, up at the sky, focused on the colours, biting the inside of her cheek. But Victoria looks at McKay instead.
"I keep thinking I forgot something,” Javadi says quietly but McKay doesn’t ask what, giving her space to talk but finally looking back at her. Victoria continues, "The mother with cancer. That boy that got tased, and his sister....The woman who kept apologizing for being in pain. I keep replaying everything, trying to find a moment I could have done something differently.” The weight of the whole day is slowly creeping its way up to her shoulders, Garcia's harsh words, condescending looks from her mother. McKay's unintentional distance.
The fireworks crack overhead. McKay is silent for so long that Javadi thinks she isn’t going to answer. But she does, "You’re going to be a really good doctor Victoria." she says softly.
Javadi looks down and shakes her head with a small sharp chuckle. "That wasn’t what I said.”
“I know. But I can read between the lines, you're scared." The city lights catch the edge of McKay's face, softening it. "You’re going to be a really good doctor,” she repeats, “because you're hurt. Because all of it keeps hurting."
Javadi swallows. "What if it always hurts?”
McKay looks back at the sky momentarily but turns to her again, "It will. But that's good, you know? That's how you know you're human."
Javadi takes a sip from the beer can, "Why do I have to feel pain to know I'm human? What about love?"
McKay smiles again, shaking her head, "I mean yeah, you're still young, you have that to look forward to."
Javadi frowns slightly, "I mean...so do you." she mumbles, looking up at her and swallowing, "Right?"
McKay opens her mouth to say something, looking down at Javadi. She tilts her head, "Are you okay?" she asks softly, the medical seriousness returning for a moment.
"I'm fine." Javadi croaks out, swallowing and taking another sip of her beer. McKay sighs and puts her arm around Victoria's shoulder, bringing her closer to her warm body. For a moment, time stills. The fireworks don't stop and they surely won't for a while. Victoria feels her heartbeat shift into an uneven rhythm. She tells herself it’s the beer, the exhaustion, the adrenaline that still hasn’t left her system. But Cassie’s arm is warm around her shoulders, and every second she stays there makes it harder to remember that this is probably all it is. A kind gesture meant to comfort. A colleague, boldly called a friend.
A few of the nurses start leaving, Santos finally convinces Mel to join her at the karaoke bar. McKay's arm slowly stops embracing Javadi's shoulders.
"Are you staying?" McKay asks, looking around to see they're almost the only two people left. Another bright firework appears in the sky.
"Are you?" she asks immediately, catching herself and looking down.
McKay laughs, "Um, no." she mumbles, a tired but kind expression on her face. "I was supposed to meet up with this guy who asked me out earlier but I...I don't really feel like going." she tells her, hands in pockets.
"Oh, I mean, I'm...I'm free. We could get a drink." she says awkwardly, as if she were preparing herself to say these words for weeks. The half-empty beer can is still in her hand and McKay's gaze lands on it.
"I..." McKay bites her bottom lip, "Are you sure you haven't had enough?" she smiles.
"No, no-" Javadi shakes her head quickly, toying with the can, "I'm totally fine. Trust me."
“I trust you, Victoria. I also think you’ve had enough. Come on, we'll get you a soda." McKay says softly, motioning to Victoria to follow her.
"I'm 21." she shrugs, walking first behind her, then catching up and following her down the stairs.
"Almost." McKay corrects her, tongue-in-cheek.
Javadi doesn't say anything else, walking by Cassie's side, now on the street. "Just a second." she stops in her tracks and tilts the beer can, pouring the remaining liquid down her throat and hiding a small burp with the back of her hand. "Sorry." she mutter, squeezing the can and throwing it in a nearby bin.
"You don't have to apologise all the time, you know?"
"Sorry." Javadi quickly says, shaking her head. "Right." she mumbles, words failing her throughout the whole evening, or so it seems. Their shoulders brush once when they step off the curb. Cassie doesn’t seem to notice but Javadi does, so much that she has to look away.
McKay smiles, turning to her as she takes her zip-up hoodie from around her waist and puts it on. "I know you said we'd go for a drink but um," she motions to the bench up the street, "how about that bench?"
Javadi nods, "Great." walking ahead, the warm summer night breeze hitting her face in a comforting way. McKay sits down at the bench and pats the empty space beside her. She reaches into the pocket of her zip-up hoodie and takes out a cigarette pack, softened at the corners, the cardboard creased from being carried around too long.
"You...smoke?" Javadi asks, sitting down and pointing to the pack as if it were the first time she'd seen one. It read 'Marlboro Gold' she noticed, making a mental note of it.
McKay laughs, putting a cigarette between her lips and letting it hang there as she looked for a lighter. "Trying to quit." she mumbles, "It's um, not going well." she adds in a light tone, finally getting ahold of a deep blue colour lighter and lighting her cigarette.
"Cool." Victoria says with a smile, making McKay's eyebrows rise up as she blows out some smoke.
"Cool?" McKay asks, "you're full of surprises Victoria." she laughs. For the first time that night, the tiredness on McKay’s face lifts. The smile reaches Javadi's eyes, brief but real. The fireworks are still going strong but they've become a background noise by now, something both of them have decided to ignore.
"I meant like, it's cool you're trying to quit." Javadi corrects herself, eyeing the cigarette and McKay's expression.
"I would've thought those two beers would loosen you up, not make you even more nervous." Cassie comments, taking another drag of the cigarette before holding out the pack, never once looking at Victoria, "Feel free. I won't tell your mom, don't worry."
"I don't smoke." Victoria shakes her head, swallowing hard as she rests her gaze on McKay's hand.
"This isn't a test." Cassie turns her head to her.
"Do you?" McKay puts the cigarettes back in her pocket, "Suit yourself, better I don't offer you cigarettes anyway." she blows out another cloud of smoke, looking down.
"I...I changed my mind, I want one." Victoria nods, her eyes on Cassie.
"You sure?" McKay asks, eyebrows raised but simultaneously already putting her hand in her pocket to reveal the pack.
"One-hundred percent." she says, though deep inside she's nervous. Not necessarily because she never smoked before but more so because she was smoking for the first time with Cassie sitting beside her. Did her voice sound strange? Did Cassie notice how much her hand shook as she reached for the cigarette?
Victoria places the Marlboro Gold between her lips, and before she can think too much about it, Cassie’s hand appears in front of her with the lighter.
“Hold still,” Cassie murmurs. Victoria does.
She watches Cassie’s face instead of the flame, watches the lighter catch, the tip of the cigarette glowing bright orange, matching the fireworks burning above them.
“Slowly,” Cassie says, voice soft and focused.
Victoria inhales anyway, too quickly, and the smoke hits the back of her throat. She coughs immediately, turning away with a small, embarrassed laugh, the cigarette pinched awkwardly between her index and middle finger.
Cassie smiles, taking it gently from her hand before the ash can fall. “Yeah,” she says, unable to hide the amusement in her voice. “Definitely your first time.”
“I’m fine.” Victoria smiles despite the coughing, eyes watering from the smoke. She reaches for the cigarette again, embarrassed by how obvious she must have looked. Cassie doesn’t hand it over immediately, giving her a look.
“You don’t have to prove anything.”
“You’re a terrible liar.” The corner of Cassie’s mouth lifts. She offers the cigarette back, holding it between two fingers. "Here.”
Their fingers brush for a second as Victoria takes it.
“First mistake,” Cassie says. “You inhaled like you were trying to finish it in one go. Not how it works."
“I...panicked.” Javadi mumbles, Cassie's words bringing a blush to her cheeks.
“I noticed.” Cassie shifts slightly on the bench, turning toward her. “Relax your shoulders.”
“What?” Victoria looks at her, taken aback.
“I’m not tense.” her voice comes, defensive yet again.
Cassie reaches over before Victoria can react and lightly adjusts the way she’s holding the cigarette, moving her fingers a little farther down. “Don’t hold it so close to the end.”
Victoria looks down at both of their hands. Cassie notices and pulls back almost immediately, afraid to make a mistake or perhaps to have her touch mistaken.
“Sorry. Occupational hazard.”
“No,” Victoria says too quickly. “It’s okay.”
A firework blooms overhead, washing the street in blue light for a moment. Cassie takes a cigarette of her own, then demonstrates with an exaggerated inhale.
They both watch the smoke dissolve into the warm July air.
“Don’t pull the smoke all the way into your lungs,” Cassie says. “Just a small drag first. Let it sit in your mouth for a second. You'll get used to it.
Victoria nods, trying again. She inhales carefully this time.
The smoke curls into her mouth, and when she exhales, it comes out in a thin, uneven stream instead of a coughing fit.
“There you go,” Cassie says quietly. Victoria looks at her, surprised by the small spark of pride she feels.
“It still tastes terrible.” Victoria grimaces, then laughs.
“Yeah. It does.” Cassie laughs along, shaking her head. "Stub it out, go on."
Victoria bends down and stubs the cigarette out on the concrete beneath their feet. “Then why do you smoke?”
The question hangs between them, Cassie looks down at the cigarette in her hand.
“I started in highschool,” she says after a moment. “Tried to quit during rehab, then I started again. It's the night shifts. Too much coffee, too little sleep. The stress I had with Chad. The cigarette breaks felt like five minutes where nobody could ask me for anything.”
Victoria listens without interrupting. Then she smiles, softly, "I think it's cool that you're...trying to quit." she nods.
Cassie looks away from the glowing tip of the cigarette, locking eyes with Victoria as she takes another drag, "Cool? I'll take that as a compliment." another plum of smoke fills the air.
Victoria watches the way the streetlight catches the edge of Cassie’s face. A strand of hair has fallen loose from behind her ear, shadowing over her earring. She puts out her cigarette and then turns toward Victoria, feeling her eyes on her “What?”
“Nothing.” Victoria shakes her head quickly
“Victoria.” She smiles, the tiredness returning. “You’ve been looking at me for the last five minutes." The words aren’t accusatory. If anything, she sounds amused.
Victoria feels her heartbeat climb into her throat.
“We talked about this, just earlier, didn't we? You really need to stop apologizing.” Cassie says it gently. Almost too gently for Victoria to not feel anything.
Victoria looks back at her, and for one impossible second the whole night narrows to the space between them. She leans, it’s barely a movement with how close they're sitting on the bench. The contact of their lips is brief, Cassie's hand immediately moving to Victoria's shoulder.
Gently, she pulls back, "Victoria.." she shakes her head slowly, a small sad frown on her face. Victoria’s stomach drops.
Cassie shakes her head once, stunned as she stands up, arms crossed over her chest. She sighs, tiredness returning to her voice "What was that?”
“No.” Cassie runs a hand through her hair, still trying to process it. “No, Victoria.”
The way she says her name is enough, Victoria covers her mouth with her hand. The rejection is immediate, irreversible
Cassie looks at her for a long moment before speaking. "You've had a long day. We all have, I know." Cassie starts, attempting to comfort her despite still trying to process what happened herself, "Look, is this about Mateo? I know you're upset he rejected you but this is not the way to deal with it." she says softly.
Mateo. How could she possibly think this had anything to do with Mateo. "What? No, this isn't about some stupid crush-" stupid crush, how the words rang. What else was McKay, for that matter, to her?
Cassie decided it was best she if didn't know what it was about. "Okay then...either way. As far as I'm concerned we can pretend it didn't happen."
"I feel like an idiot." Victoria mumbles, a tear falling down her cheek as she still sits on the bench, looking at the stubbed out cigarette on the concrete.
"No...no, don't. You thought you were doing something that was right." Cassie attempts to comfort her, an almost pitiful expression on her face. "It just...wasn't." she almost whispers.
"I'm gonna," Victoria sighs, "go home." she quickly wipes the tears off her face.
"Do you need a ride? My car's parked down there."
"No." she immediately says, then changes her tone, "No, thank you. I think I'll just call my mom." she mumbles, standing up from the bench.
"Yeah?" Cassie asks, tone still soft. "You okay?"
Victoria can only nod, attempting to smile but looking away again just as she locks eyes with Cassie.
"Don't feel guilty." Cassie mumbles, her last attempt to free Victoria from her shame. But how could she feel anything else but guilt itself?
