When I'm studying in school I thought the teachers are strict. They scold me for so many things specially for studies... But those days were when I was so free... My dream was to fly in the sky...
When I'm in college, professors inspired me to study as they know so much and so cool and friendly... They made me fall in love with the subject. But I was too lazy to study everyday. I only studied before exam... I managed to pass somehow.
Then in University I got top score in my 1st semester... I was never a topper... Never came first before... So I was overjoyed. I lost that place due to my laziness and lack of motivation... But keep falling in love with my subject... And I met my favourite professor there... He was the reason why I got my motivation back. I tried my best and although didn't get first class but passed with good score in my masters...
After that my formal education life ended. Nobody ask me to study anymore... But there are exams for getting job and for PhD I have to pass entrance test... Now that I'm a ex-student and I'm on my own... I don't know how to study alone... How to get my motivation... How to not scared about exams...
I failed 4 to 5 times in the entrance test... now I'm so scared that I don't even study anymore... "What if I study and not pass after that. Atleast I have hope that if I study I'll pass... What if I can't..." This thought is wrong but it's dominant in my mind.
I feel so useless... When I have my education life I know I was preparing for future and learning... But now... As a jobless person whose parents are aged and still supporting me with everything... I feel I'm only a burden. No matter what... I'm just a burden...
Lately I feel I'm worthless... So worthless that even if I try to sell my organs for money I'll get rejected. They will say my organs are not good enough...
My past days are so good that all my luck ended quickly... Now only suffering left. I'm so useless that after getting so much good from life I'm still a failure...