গোলাপ D

feeling is everything

[rosadefireheart]

A reminder to my soul...

"Hey you, listen to me...

You are so cool,

You are so free."

"You see the world,

Burn at its war,

You still choose the peace,

Hugs and a lovers kiss."

"You are so bad,

You are getting mad,

You'll bring down,

Everyone wearing fake crown."

"Your soul is on fire,

Burning the night hour,

Your heart is ready to devour,

Every left out desire."

[rosadefireheart]

We will stay together for eternity ❤️❤️❤️

[rosadefireheart]

নিশীথ রাত্রি,

পথে আমি একা

এক দিশাহীন যাত্রী।

নক্ষত্র খচিত অম্বরে,

ধ্রুবতারা খুঁজে ফিরি

হতাশা লুকিয়ে অন্তরে।

গন্তব্য এখনও কোটি কোটি আলোকবর্ষ দূরে,

লক্ষ্য গুলি তারাদের মতোই অধরা,

মাধ্যাকর্ষণ শক্তি ,স্মৃতি সম

পড়িয়েছে পায়ে বেড়ি মম,

আমি ডানা খসা পিপীলিকা,

আলোর মালা ফেলে বুকে হাঁটি

এই মাটির পৃথিবীতে।

বাউলের গানে আমার মধ্যে কাকে যেন ডাকে,

তাকে চিনেও চিনলাম না, চির অজ্ঞ

তাকে পেলেই সব পূর্ন,

ঘুম হীন চোখে

সে আমার ভোরের স্বপ্ন।

[rosadefireheart]

Nowadays I feel like I'm wasting my time... Doing my hobbies are not important, enjoying leisure is not important... Only thing important is to work hard and prepare for job... And get a job and earn money is everything...

I don't like this side of me at all. But situation made me do this I guess... Living cost is becoming more and more expensive... It's hard for my parents to support me...

I just wish... Some miracle could happen and someone out their give me a decent job and I can support my family...

Honestly I just want to live in academic life and enjoy learning... Without worrying about money...

[rosadefireheart]

The real problem in my life is my overthinking brain... I tend to overthink everything....

The most scary overthinking is about my health... Everything I have some issues with my health I Google it, overthink about it and ask around everyone except the doctor... Then try to analyse what I might have... If symptoms match with someone and they have some illness I start thinking I have it...

Then I decide whether to go to the doctor or not... But meanwhile I overthink and feeling extremely negative and sad...

It's better to go the doctor first before googling... I mean if the problem is continuing and getting big... Just go to the doctor... I feel a good family doctor is needed in life because going to specialist is a hard thing...

Have no job so have no medical insurance... And that's why going to a doctor and if something comes up in the result the treatment cost is something I am always worried about.

[rosadefireheart]

Best friend

She didn't talk to me for a few days... I feel angry with her and was sad... I realised that she is my best friend... No matter how much I say I can live alone... I can't live without talking to her...

[chibird]

Little dino says no needless guilt! We should be allowed to live our lives without feeling guilty about everything!

Chibird store | Positive pin club | Webtoon  

[rosadefireheart]

Positivity 🩷🩷🩷

[rosadefireheart]

History is the subject I never feel tire of studying... It's also the subject I feel talking about... I could spend my life researching it... It's my happiness and comfort.

[rosadefireheart]

Where I don't belong...

I thought my university is a safe heaven for me... Although I passed out some years ago... I thought I can always go back... But it's not true. I'm nobody to them right now. I'm not their student anymore... They have nothing to care about me... Although I think of them as my guides and teachers... Who I can go back to many times... I doubt it now.

After I saw certain seniors hanging out a lot in our department after they passed. But I'm not them. I was delusional... It's my fault. I'll not hope for impossible things and won't put my hope on other people (mainly not from my close circle).

Although I never loose connection... I always went there during seminars... I thought they will atleast remember me... But they forgot me. It's also my fault... Because I'm super introvert and can't really communicate... So I couldn't able to talk to them... They are busy people meeting new people everyday...

But it all hurt. Now I belong nowhere... Except for my home... But other than that I have no place to go... My delusion got destroyed. I still love them... If they ever call us for seminar... May be I'll go... Idk... I wish they understand how I feel one day... I know it's too much to ask... Still it's my true desire.

[rosadefireheart]

I realised my dream long ago... I found my heaven and wanted to stay there as long as possible and grow as a person and learn things and able to explore the world from a comfortable base.

But these days I was doing the opposite. I'm trying to move on from my dream. Why? Because it's tough, and sometimes even I think of them as impossible and unrealistic. Yet I am unable to move forward. Because my mind never let me.

I'm scared and confused and losing confidence in myself. But I still don't want to stop. I guess this is what 'follow your heart' means...

[rosadefireheart]

When I'm studying in school I thought the teachers are strict. They scold me for so many things specially for studies... But those days were when I was so free... My dream was to fly in the sky...

When I'm in college, professors inspired me to study as they know so much and so cool and friendly... They made me fall in love with the subject. But I was too lazy to study everyday. I only studied before exam... I managed to pass somehow.

Then in University I got top score in my 1st semester... I was never a topper... Never came first before... So I was overjoyed. I lost that place due to my laziness and lack of motivation... But keep falling in love with my subject... And I met my favourite professor there... He was the reason why I got my motivation back. I tried my best and although didn't get first class but passed with good score in my masters...

After that my formal education life ended. Nobody ask me to study anymore... But there are exams for getting job and for PhD I have to pass entrance test... Now that I'm a ex-student and I'm on my own... I don't know how to study alone... How to get my motivation... How to not scared about exams...

I failed 4 to 5 times in the entrance test... now I'm so scared that I don't even study anymore... "What if I study and not pass after that. Atleast I have hope that if I study I'll pass... What if I can't..." This thought is wrong but it's dominant in my mind.

I feel so useless... When I have my education life I know I was preparing for future and learning... But now... As a jobless person whose parents are aged and still supporting me with everything... I feel I'm only a burden. No matter what... I'm just a burden...

Lately I feel I'm worthless... So worthless that even if I try to sell my organs for money I'll get rejected. They will say my organs are not good enough...

My past days are so good that all my luck ended quickly... Now only suffering left. I'm so useless that after getting so much good from life I'm still a failure...

[rosadefireheart]

Not my emotions

Emotions and frustrations skyrocketing when I'm not even in bad situation or anything... When things are good but I can't see that... I feel worse and sad and lose all connections with reality.

I guess I was feeling someone else's feelings... In my own life... So it's frustrating...

After reading a novel or manga the character I start liking, when they suffer I suffer and they can easily move on from that and being all forgiving... But I can't. I hate the people cause the character sadness or harm passionately... It's frustrating to see how the character forgives them and being so much understanding... I on the other hand want to rip them apart.

I guess maturity is when you feel them but know the reason of the other to behave the wrong way... Understanding every character... And their motives and action. Meaning you have to detach yourself and see them from a third-person view.

[rosadefireheart]

favourite drink in summer

tea

coffee

coke

water

Voting ended onJun 9, 2023

[rosadefireheart]

বই হব আমি, শতাব্দী প্রাচীন,

বই হব আমি, শতাব্দী প্রাচীন,

ধুলো জমা মলাটে মলিন...

হব জং ধরা সিন্দুকে রংচটা

কালি ঝুলি মাখা কাঠের পুতুল।

কিংবা হতে পারি অচল পয়সা,

সিকি, আধুলি মূল্যহীন।

আমি হব বিস্মৃত স্মৃতি।

আমায় পরবে না মনে,

তবু থেকে যাব এক কোণে,

অবহেলা সয়ে, অক্ষয় হয়ে।

যখন তুমি নিদ্রার অবচেতনে

আমায় পড়িবে মনে...

খুঁজে ফিরিবে জাগরণে

কে যেন এসেছিল স্বপনে।

[rosadefireheart]

'girl in the balcony '

Random doodles for time pass and peace of mind.

[rosadefireheart]

রবীন্দ্র জয়ন্তী❤️❤️❤️ প্রথম বার রবি ঠাকুর কে আঁকার চেষ্টা করলাম।

[rosadefireheart]

I love BuzzFeed quizzes.

Specially those quizzes where they ask me to choose foods to guess my age, my personality and stuff. I love them they are so light hearted and fun. But what I truly like is the food options.

I have food cravings mostly in the night after the dinner. I can't eat anything so I scroll the quizzes and play the choose your food types. Si I can choose them and feel like options are given to me to choose any food I like. It made me more hungry but satisfy my mental cravings.