Rosa Morada Project

Oakland, CA 

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Day 31 : #RosaMoradaProject 💜 Today is the last day of Domestic Violence Awareness Month. For the past month I've shared facts, resources, news articles, and real stories from survivors of domestic violence. It's been tough but meaningful. This idea to bring awareness to domestic violence came to me when I was providing my attorney hours and hours of evidence for the domestic violence restraining order. I'm still not done with all that I want to do. There's still more stories to be heard and felt, more facts to acknowledge. But I hope whoever read at least one post learned something. I hope whoever did read can think twice before victim blaming. I hope if you're a victim yourself, you get out as soon as you can and seek help. There's help out there. The justice system, police, friends/family may not be all that helpful all the time but as long as you got you, you're good. I hope if you know a current victim and you really care about their well being, you provide support in any way you can. Not that half ass shit. I hope you check your friend/family who has abusive ways. Domestic violence can happen to any and everyone. No matter how smart, rich, broke, ugly, pretty, thick, skinny, you are. You are never too good to experience the unexpected. But you can be aware. You can support someone who is a victim themselves. You can hold abusers accountable for their actions. Again, I hope anyone who is in this situation knows they aren't alone and to please seek help before it's too late. National Domestic Violence Hotline 1−800−799−7233 thehotline.org Also, #RosaMoradaProject has an instagram. @rosamoradaproject 💜 *nothing is on there yet 🤦🏽‍♀️but there will be soon 🦋 Thank you to the survivors and the readers. ✨ (at Oakland, California)

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Day 30 : #RosaMoradaProject 💜 Danielle's Story Pt. 6 ➖How did you feel about yourself before the relationship, during and now? "Before, I was in high school and I was young and innocent. I didn't think no one was going to hit me in my face for fun because 'they loved me'. I was carefree and happy. During, I had cystic acne so I felt ugly. So to get hit in the face on top of that. You just feel ugly and worthless. She would tell me 'I love you even with all that shit on your face.' She would brainwash me like I couldn't get any better than her, like I was so privileged to have her in my life. Now, I'm sad that it happened bc that was years of my lie that were robbed. It's not fair. Now I'm doing everything and they say 'you still have the same goals?' and it's like bitch do you know what I've been through? I'm more outspoken I can thank her for that. I can try and not to be in an abusive relationship but you never know. I know if someone's trying to take advantage of me and I'll know the signs." ➖What advice would you give to family/friends of a current victim? "Give space and be there but not too much. Don't endanger yourself. Be a safe place for them. Make them feel safe. Don't fuck with the abuser, don't talk to them. Try not to judge. Try not to judge when she goes back, you don't know what's going on. Be understanding. Pray that they realize... that something clicks." (at Lake Merritt)

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Day 30 : #RosaMoradaProject 💜 Danielle's Story Pt. 5 ➖October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, what do you want people to be aware of? "I want people to know that there is free counseling. If I would have know that then I would've been more responsive. I just needed someone else to listen because I had no one. Everyone's solution around me was to not talk about it. They would tell me to act like it didn't happen or it was a girl and we were young. Or they would just blame me like it was my fault like I chose to be in the situation. As if I liked it. This is so common. There is so many people getting abused everyday." ➖As a survivor when people victim blame, what comes to mind? "Did you get your ass beat? Oh you didn't? Then shut up. I did it. I got out but now that I'm hurt like this, are you happy? Do you even sympathize or it doesn't matter because you don't know what's it's like? You still won't know after you read this. People make it seem so easy. It's NOT that easy. That's why I don't talk about bc people don't have the right responses and I'm so emotional about this. I will get either really sad or really mad. This situation already made me the most emotional person. It doesn't deserve more." (at Lake Merritt)

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Day 29 : #RosaMoradaProject 💜 Danielle's Story Pt. 4 ➖Does she still bother you after you left? "Yes she called me last week. She's never going to change. But now I don't give a fuck." ➖She doesn't have that power over you? "She kinda does. But I don't let her have it like she used to. It's still a work in progress. A part of me thinks 'what I don't find anyone that loves me like her?' and then I stop and think 'wait, no one is supposed to love me like that' .. I'm not all the way better. I think it gets better everyday but I'm always going to jump when I look in the back of my car. I'm always going to watch my surroundings. I've done a lot to make it go away. I used to not block her so I could still get that attention but now it's blocked and look, she got another phone to contact me." ➖How do you feel now that you got out? "Happy. Satisfied but I also feel upset at times. Sometimes I get mad at her bc I'm in a situation and me and him have problems that I feel like if I would have dealt with this shit before we wouldn't have problems. Some of them have to do with my past." ➖If you could tell someone who is an abusive relationship right now, what would you tell them? "I would ask them 'what do you want?' and have them make a list of pros and cons. So they can really look at it. They won't listen but you can help them out. If I was to go back and ask me that question I'd answer 'I want peace, happiness and I want love' ... I didn't have that with her." (at Oakland, California)

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Day 28 : #RosaMoradaProject 💜 Danielle's story Pt. 3 ➖What was the final straw for you? How did you get out? "The final straw was genital warts. I didn't get it but she did. That shit was nasty to me. I couldn't get over that. I just stopped. I wasn't attracted to her anymore. I started evaluating it. I didn't want her anymore. My family is not talking to me. My friends are gone. I have nothing left. No car. She pulled the E break while we were in the freeway. She would drive reckless with me half hanging out of the car. She would drive and punch me in the face at the same time." ➖Did you file a Domestic Violence Restraining Order? "I was going to. I remember walking into the courthouse with a black eye, all beat up but I couldn't see bc my eyes were swollen. I remember my face being hot. There was a place on my forehead where there was skin missing bc she used to hit me in the same spot over and over again until the skin would come off. I had told the lady that I was going to take it home. She offered help but I said no. I didn't want to do it anymore. I went home with the paperwork. At the time I didn't have a home. I would sleep in my car. But I never filed it. She had called me and said something to go back and care. She knew me better than I knew me. I feel like she molded into what she wanted me to be. I would make excuses for her when she would sit and stare at me while I would be at work. She was the life of the party, had many friends and they never expected her to treat me the way she did. We would be a happy couple in public but as soon as we would get home I would get my ass beat. She molded everything about love for me. She used to tell me 'if you don't act right, we will not be together and if we aren't together I will kill us both bc we don't deserve to live without each other." (at Newark, California)

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Day 28 : #RosaMoradaProject 💜 Danielle's story Pt. 2 ➖How would you feel during the abuse? (cont.) "The nonphysical abuse I used to look up and start praying and asking God why? What did I do to deserve this? Was I a bad person? Did I do something wrong to get this? Am I just really worthless for someone to just treat me like that and for my family to abandon me and friends who I thought would stick around. They couldn't take it anymore but they didn't know I couldn't take it anymore. They didn't know how hard it was everyday. I didn't have anyone but B. It was b/c of her that I didn't have anybody else. I used to pray that He would get me out of this. I used to pray that she would die so I didn't have to worry about her and someone else b/c for some reason I was so concerned she was cheating on me everyday." ➖Did you speak out during the relationship? "Yes. The first time I spoke out to everyone about it then got back together. The more time went by the less I talked about b/c I was getting used to is and people were telling me 'oh you're stupid b/c you keep going back' and 'do you like getting your ass beat?' I hated that question. I was already angry b/c I was living with this bitch and getting hit all the time and then people would look at me funny and I would get defensive. It was never ending." ➖Did you receive help from friends/family? "I did at first. But it lessened as time went by b/c they didn't understand. They have never been in a situation like that. They just stopped talking to me and they kicked me out and I had nowhere to go. I went to live with my dad and B had a God-mom who lived down the street. She used to call and leave voice messages on the house phone screaming and threatening me that she would go to my brothers school. She would ask me 'how would I like it if my brother came home with blood down his face?' If I didn't pick up the phone she would threaten to beat him up after school." (at Oakland, California)

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Day 27 : #RosaMoradaProject 💜 Danielle's story. Danielle (Asian/Latina) experienced her abusive relationship with B (African-American) when they were both 15 years old. The relationship lasted about 4 years. The abuse began within the first year. ➖How was the relationship in the beginning? "A dream come true. It was everything I ever wanted. Now that I know better and think about it... She used to listen a lot to scope me out. She obviously knew what she wanted, she kinda planned doing this to me." ➖Is there a story that comes to mind right now? "We were really happy at first. This one place she used to stay at in Alameda, I was calling her and she wouldn't answer. She was staying with "this friend" of hers. I felt like something was fishy so I went to the apartment because I was always scared she was gonna leave me. I was always scared I was gonna do something wrong not to get my ass beat, I didn't really care about getting my ass beat at a certain point. All I cared about was her being there more than I cared about myself. So I got to the apartment, and the friend answered the door. I cussed her out and got out of character. I went from being so happy and fairy tale like when I first met her to being so enraged. How did the relationship shift so much and how could this be the same person? It just doesn't make sense." ➖How would you feel during abuse? "The physical abuse I couldn't feel it anymore b/c I used to get hit so much. I was so used to using concealer on my face. I was numb. I felt like I would black out and would wake up and my face was fucked up. When it was over she was always saying sorry. I get flashbacks every now and then. I didn't see it when it was happening and now I see it. Little things that I see like where we used to live at, triggers the exact memories of what happened." (at Alameda, California)

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Day 26 : #RosaMoradaProject 💜 Amy's Story Pt.3 After getting out of the abusive relationship with G*, Amy then began dating her good friend, A*. Amy couldn't control her actions, and was emotionally abusive to A*. ➖When did you start to show abuse? "After therapy I would be angry and my anxiety was so high because of the fight or flight that anything would tick me off. I was either very anxious or very depressed. I was like that for about a year. I was very sad internally and hurt. I handled things with anger. Anger was my defense. I knew A* would never touch me." ➖ What was the final straw for A*? "He made it clear that it wasn't acceptable. He said 'if you're gonna be like this I can't do this anymore' and that was my breaking point." Amy then went to the doctors and was diagnosed with PTSD and depression. The medication she was prescribed with changed her life in a positive way. ✨ As a multitalented artist, Amy states that art has been therapeutic and rewarding for her. She mentions, "I'm able to help other people heal themselves." ✨ (at Berkeley, California)

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Day 25 : #RosaMoradaProject 💜 Amy's story Pt. 2 ➖Did you apply for a Domestic Violence Restraining Order? "No. I threatened to but didn't" ➖Did your abuser still bother you after you left? "Yes, months down the line. He would randomly call. I cut that off after meeting with him. He had called me and I wanted closure so we met up for breakfast. He was listing all the things he hated about me and then he tried to kiss me. I ended up leaving." ➖How do you feel now that you got out? "It's been 6 years. I feel good. I feel weird when he shows up. Two months ago he showed up in LinkedIn as a suggestion to add him. I was taken back and felt that rage." ➖If you could tell someone who's in an abusive relation right now, what would you tell them? "There is hope and there is a way out. You will find the support you need. It's out there's 100%, if you look for it." ➖ October is domestic violence awareness month, what do you want people to know? "STOP FUCKIN' VICTIM BLAMING!" ➖As a survivor, when people victim blame, what comes to mind? "It pisses me off. Being in an abusive relationship... it totally fucks your mind up in a way that you're scared of your life. You're not not thinking about it. But you're thinking about how to protect yourself and your family. I would think 'I can't do this because he knows where my mom lives.' It's fear. That and mixed with having to see him everyday that I stayed. I thought it would make my life easier but it made it worse but at the time it was easier. It was a constant fight or flight with him." ➖What advice would you give to family/friends of a current victim? " I would suggest that the loved ones should separate themselves from the situation enough that the emotional turmoil does not drag them into it. People forget that it can be sometimes extremely difficult for anyone in that abusive situation. However, you must always let the victim know that you are still there for them regardless of what happens, especially when things gets bad." (at Oakland, California)

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Day 24 : #RosaMoradaProject 💜 Third Story. Amy (Irish) experienced an abusive relationship with G (Caucasian) when she was in high school. They met on a cross country team and were on and off for about a year and a half. ➖How was the relationship in the beginning? When did he show abuse? "It was good at the time. Looking back, there was red flags. He told me 'I love you' two weeks into the relationship. There were signs of manipulation. After about 2 months he started showing lots of jealousy for no reason. He would send abusive texts over nothing. I remember reading them thinking 'WTF?' He would call me a slut because in his mind I was cheating but I wasn't. He knew my schedule, so he would pop up at my classes knowing that would make me uncomfortable. G would act like nothing happened afterwards. Normal." ➖ Was the relationship always abusive? "He was always abusive. Every other day. I felt like I was walking on eggshells which made me resent him. I couldn't feel like myself at all." ➖Did you speak out about the abuse during the relationship? "Yes but I didn't know how to communicate it with people. I would tell people but I would downplay it. I didn't want people to hate him because knew I was going to go back. There's a lack of respect... I know I'm with a shitty ass guy. My dad wanted to kill him. I got support from my dad and friends. I couldn't sleep more than 3 hours a night but when I would be with friends I would be comfortable enough to sleep." #domesticviolenceawarenessmonth #domesticviolence #maybehedoesnthityou #metoo #youoksis (at Concord, California)

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Day 23 : #RosaMoradaProject 💜 MaryAnn's Story Pt. 3 ➖How do you feel now that you were able to get out? "I ... I mean I feel like if I didn't go through what I went through I would have never became this strong person that I am. I feel like I'm stronger, I know better. I'm not gonna let anyone hit me again. Plus, I wouldn't have my son." . ➖If you could tell someone who is an abusive relationship right now, what would you tell them? "I wouldn't know. I would only be there for them because it's hard to just leave." . ➖October is domestic violence awareness month. What do you want people to be aware of? "I want people to be aware that it can happen to anybody. Big or small, loud or quiet, man or woman." . ➖As a survivor, when people victim blame and say things like "just leave" , "you must like being treated that way".. what's your reaction to that? "How do I leave? I feel like if I leave, I die." **** sidenote: this is real as fuck. when there's no support around you, when you're not aware of the resources you have, when nobody believes you and your mindset is this... smh I've been there. It's dangerous. . ➖How did you feel about yourself before/during/now in regards to the relationship? "I was just living my life before. During, I felt like I didn't think about myself. I was always thinking about him. I just let myself go. Now, honestly, I feel beautiful. When I look at pictures I'm like WTF was I thinking?!" . ➖What advice would you give to family/friends of a current victim? "During my situation I would have wanted someone to talk to. Not just tell me "I can do better" or to "just leave". But someone to just listen to me without judging me." (at Oakland, California)

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Day 22 : #RosaMoradaProject 💜 MaryAnn's Story Pt. II --When you were physically near your family/friends did you receive support? "No. When I would come to work with bruises, my coworkers would just be upset at him but they wouldn't do anything. My family would just say to leave. But that's it." . --How did you get out? What did you do to get out? "My son was one already and he would witness the dad hit me and would start crying to the point where if I would play fight with you, he would cry. I couldn't be with someone and my son see me get hurt." . "I was screaming when he was beating my ass and my cousins lived with me. They rushed in the room and told us that we needed to stop and that they were going to move out next month. I had told him I was going to move with my cousins and he would tell me would change. When he moved and I moved out, I would still come over and he would still beat my ass. I told him a month in advance that my son and I were gonna move back to the bay. I knew it was real when my mom came and helped me pack my shit. He didn't think I was gonna leave." . --Did you file a DVRO? "I didn't. I didn't really think of doing that. I should have. I wasn't aware of any resources." -- Would he still be abusive after you left? "Yes. He would text me mean shit and it came to the point where I was over it so I would go to court because then it would scare him to not text me." Did you state in court that he was abusive? "Yeah but they wouldn't do anything because I never called the cops." (at Las Vegas, Nevada)

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Day 21 : #RosaMoradaProject 💜 Second story. MaryAnn (Filipina) experienced an abusive relationship with the father of her son, Ricardo (Filipino) at the age of 17. They were high school sweethearts. A couple of months in, the abuser was starting to become physically violent in their relationship. . "I don't remember the first time. But I do remember when we were in his garage. I don't remember what we were arguing about but he would kick me and then I would be on the floor and he would kick me everywhere... I remember that. There's another time we were in the car and he would punch me in my face and then people heard so they called the cops. I told the cops I was hitting him because I was scared. I think I was scared because if he got in trouble then later on he would beat my ass." . "The arguments would be about stupid shit. He was a very jealous person." . --How did you feel during these abusive moments with him? "You know what's crazy? I still loved him even though he was doing these things to me. Love was definitely blind because at some point I felt like I deserved because I would talk back to him." . --How would he react after the abuse? "He would tell me he's sorry after and I would believe him and tell him it's ok." . --Was the relationship always abusive? "Yes. We would have our good moments. I think when we moved to Vegas and we already had our son, he was having a gambling problem so everyday he would go gambling and if I didn't give him money or sex he would beat my ass... that was a daily thing." . Did you speak out while you were in the relationship? "I did tell my friends but I was already living in Vegas and they couldn't do anything about it. They would just tell me to leave but it's just like... how do you leave?" (at West Oakland, Oakland, California)

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Day 20 : #RosaMoradaProject 💜 Narcissism and Gaslighting have been some of the main words I come across when reading into domestic violence. A narcissist is someone who has “buried his true self-expression in response to early injuries and replaced it with a highly developed, compensatory false self.” This alternate persona deems himself as "above others,” self-absorbed, and highly conceited. Gaslighting is a form of persistent manipulation and brainwashing that causes the victim to doubt themselves and to ultimately lose one’s own sense of perception, identity, and self-worth. Some of the more common traits that overlap both narcissists and abusers are: * Lack of empathy * Controlling behavior * Self-absorption * Displays of physical violence when told “no” * Displays of anger when they perceive rejection from their partner Throughout the course of a relationship, abusers often display similar behavior as narcissists. They may start out being very charming before undergoing a slow change, where they display the traits listed above. Narcissists manipulate by devaluing and discarding their victims to humiliate and control them. (putting their victims down, subjecting them to emotionally withdrawing from them and invalidating them, abandoning them without giving them any sense of closure or explanation) -Both narcissists and gaslighters are prone to frequent lies and exaggerations . -Both narcissists and gaslighters enjoy spreading negative emotions in order to feel powerful, and keep you insecure and off-balance. They habitually invalidate others’ thoughts, feelings, and priorities, showing little remorse for causing people in their lives pain. They often blame their victims for having caused their own victimization. -Narcissists often become critical, angry, intimidating, and/or hostile toward those who fail to bow down to their directives. Gaslighter manipulation is often highly aggressive, with punitive measures executed toward those who fail to recognize and obey their self-perceived authority. (at San Francisco, California)

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Day 19 : #RosaMoradaProject 💜 NC's Story Part 4 . --How did you feel about yourself before/during/after the abusive relationship? " Before the situation, I definitely drew in what I was feeling. I wasn't feeling the best because I was going thru a breakup. So trying to process that and the way that it ended...having to deal with everything. I had attracted what I felt. I attracted someone who didn't treat me great." "I didn't feel any better during the relationship." "Now, I feel really good. I got rid of an anchor. I'm a lot happier not just with myself but my life and everything around that is contributing to how much I love my life. I've never felt so on top of the world before. It was partially because going thru that, after realizing what I have been thru I was like , you know what? I gotta do something good for myself like I had to bring myself back." . --What advice would you give to family and friends of a current victim? " Support would be #1. Supporting them through whatever decision they make. A support system to help them cope what they have been through. Don't ignore it. If you see the signs definitely say something and speak up. Don't ignore it. If it's not already out on the table. Talk to them. Find ways to get out of the situation that they are in. It all comes down to supporting them." (at San Francisco, California)

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Day 18 : #RosaMoradaProject 💜 NC's Story Part 3 . -As a survivor, when people say things like, " Just leave, that's what you get, you're going to go back anyway" ... What would you want to say to those people? . "I would tell them that they have to realize that it's not as simple as just leaving. If you're so blinded by love you're not gonna see the warning signs and if you do it's probably like the second that it's happening. When you make those comments you're making the woman seem like she's not capable enough or strong enough to leave. I feel like I'm a pretty strong woman and for me to have been in that situation, I look back and I'm like WTF?! So like, you definitely don't always go back. Those comments are counterproductive. They don't help when it comes to trying to make progress with domestic violence and I feel like those type of people need to hear a few stories so they can be educated on why those responses are not needed. Especially for those people who never processed it or dealt with it like, what if it's triggering and turns to a verbal confrontation and then a physical one? For some people it can be an easy trigger like that because they don't know how to control their anger." #domesticviolenceawarenessmonth #domesticviolence #metoo #youoksis #maybehedoesnthityou (at Richmond, California)

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Day 17 : #RosaMoradaProject 💜 NC's Story Part 2. . -Did you file a Domestic Violence Restraining Order? "No. I trusted that he wouldn't. When I was serious he would say things like "you changed me, you opened my eyes." . -Would he still bother you after you left? "Yes, but I shut that shit down. He wouldn't be abusive when he would reach out because I kept it short." . -How do you feel now that you got out? "When I think about it, I feel stupid and embarrassed. I'm not proud of what I put myself thru. Now that I think of it I can really process it. The situation that I was in maybe it will give me a new perspective on my life. I never thought of it as a triumphant moment where I'm making the step in the right direction. It was more along the lines of like "Finally this mothafucka is gone and out of my life like, I'm free bitch I'm free!" . -If you could tell someone who is in an abusive relationship right now, what would you tell them? "The second you see any type of warning, red flag, something that doesn't sit right with you, the moment THAT happens... I know it's hard as a woman that's in this situation, you don't know it. But I need you to sit there and really pay attention and find a way to exit as soon as you can because that one sign is really all you need." . -October is #domesticviolenceawarenessmonth .. what do you want people to be aware of? "It can happen to anyone, from anyone, at any moment." . #domesticviolence #maybehedoesnthityou #metoo #youoksis (at Richmond, California)