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It's funny how the worst moments of life often follow the best. One minute you're attending church with your family, and the next you're staring down the barrel of the apocalypse. Everything's gone to hell.Ā It all began with the 2020 election. I was like any other American.
I loved my country, my president, and my fellow citizens, well, the legal white ones anyway. It was another day working at Chick-fil-A, a good, clean Christian company. Of course, it was a pain having to comply with the mask mandate thanks to the plandemic. I thought about calling it quits, but that chicken was too good to pass up. Besides, I knew that once the greatest leader, not just of the United States, but possibly in history, Donald Trump, won reelection, he would punish the ones responsible for sowing such chaos.
While I did enjoy my job, I sometimes found it difficult to bite my tongue. Donāt get me wrong. Typical customers were welcome, and I didnāt mind the lunch rush, but when some āunusualsā would show up, my lib-dar would go off like a Geiger counter at Chernobyl. Things were picking up after a particularly slow morning due to the influx of Wednesday Church people. I made sure to serve each customer with a smile.
I was in the back, making sure our chicken was fried to perfection. In one ear, I had an earbud so I could listen to Info Wars. Alex Jones was imparting the wisdom that all these things, the pandemic, masks, vaccines, and queer people, were all tools to give the deep state more control. Like me, he understood that there was only one person who could fight back. It filled me with pride to see how vocal a supporter he was of Donald Trump, second only, maybe, to Fox News in enthusiasm.
āNaturally, the demon rats are doing everything they can to slander President Donald Trump,ā he said.
āGod damn libs!ā I thought with disgust while pulling some chicken tenders out of the fryer and bagging them with some waffle fries to go.
Alex Jones went on, saying,
āWe can't let them win. Fight back! Make sure every agent of the deep state knows that we will never give in!ā
My manager told me I was needed in the lobby, so I couldn't listen to the rest of the episode, but what I did hear was enough to fill me with patriotic pride. I rode that wave for the rest of the election, attending rallies whenever I could. Then, that faithful day came. I was overjoyed to see President Trump handily winning over Sleepy Joe Biden. It was a time of celebration for my friends and me.
I can't articulate how enraged I felt when the libs pulled their mail-in voting scheme. I wish I could say I was surprised, but there's no low Democrats won't sink to if it means getting their way. That didn't mean we were giving up without a fight. Me and my friends took time off from our jobs to go on a road trip in January. On the sixth, we were at the Capitol.
Despite what the lame stream media would have you believe, the only ones who were violent in the crowd were the paid Antifa actors who were disguising themselves as Trump supporters. The rest of us, the real Trump supporters, were peaceful and never wanted to hurt anyone, well, except for Mike Pence. Fuck that traitor. I'll admit I fell into a bit of a depression after Joe Biden took office. Can you blame me, though?
We fought tooth and nail, some of us even getting wrongly imprisoned, to make sure our great nation didn't fall into the hands of socialists. Then what happened? Joe Biden took over anyway and enforced super Communism on day one. I donāt like admitting this. I let myself go, missing days of work, which eventually made me lose my job.Ā
Well, that, and apparently some of the chicken I served customers may have been undercooked. If you ask me, itās their fault for having weak stomachs. Luckily for my pursuit of gainful employment, my buddy, Jeff, who managed an office call center for Verizon, pulled some strings to land me a job. This meant some people had to be let go, which meant even more whining.
āHow am I supposed to pay my rent?ā
āWhat about my insurance?ā
āI have a family to feed!ā
āBut Iāve been working hard!ā
They make me sick! If they wanted to keep their jobs, they shouldnāt have been such no-good lazy slackers! Itās a damn shame that people just want a free ride. Theyād get far if they were an alpha like yours truly, one who drinks his milk raw and never lifts the toilet seat before he takes a piss. Itās my territory, and therefore, it must be marked, no matter how much my roommates complain about it.
Despite Joe Bidenās attempts to turn our beautiful country into the Soviet Union, I was doing pretty well for myself. Things only got better when Sleepy Joe thought he could beat our God Emperor in a battle of wits. To no oneās surprise, he failed miserably, resulting in the most one-sided debate in American history. It was a verbal dismemberment. Even I felt a little bad for Joe.Ā
It was the intellectual equivalent of a coughing baby versus a hydrogen bomb. The smartest thing the demon rats did after that was forcing Joe to the sidelines and putting Kooky Kamala as the front runner. Too bad for them, the damage was already done. Even if she had more than two halves of a brain cell to rub together, there was no saving that campaign. Thatās why the liberals orchestrated their dirtiest trick yet, attempting murder.
Seeing that bullet nearly put an end to the greatest man to ever live made my soul briefly leave my body. The fact that it missed is proof that Donald Trumpās power comes not from this Earth, but from Heaven above and God himself. Ironically, the liberal elitesā attempt to destroy Trump was the nail in the coffin for their reign of tyranny. I donāt think men are supposed to cry, but god damn it, when I saw the man who was so unjustly persecuted take his rightful place back in the Oval Office, I let a few tears slip down my face. All was finally right with the world.
At least, thatās what I thought until two months ago. It was another day working at Verizon. I was on the phone with someone whining about their bill being too high.
āWe understand your frustration, sir, and weāre very concerned,ā I said while scrolling through Truth Social.
āLOONY LIBERALS THINK THEY CAN STOP ICE FROM KEEPING AMERICA SAFE! GOOFY! SAD!ā
I smiled at the brilliance of Trumpās words. It reminded me of my dad when he was sober. My attention was returned to the call when the customer threatened to go with another company.
āIām very sorry you feel that way, sir.ā
āUnfortunately, paying your bill isnāt our responsibility. It sounds like you need to manage your money better.ā
I put my phone on my desk, rummaging through my drawers for snacks as the customer went on an enraged tirade. He said something about leaving a bad review of our company and complaining to upper management about my attitude. Jeff and I would often enjoy ourselves after hours over a drink, laughing and saying good riddance to those kinds of customers. One day, I was scrolling through X, rolling my eyes at the so-called āgender non-conformistsā. I saw some posts from the most brilliant inventor to ever live, Elon Musk.
He was talking about how his latest rocket definitely wasn't going to explode this time, and how he was going to see to it that the woke mind virus was completely eradicated. It already took one of his children, and my heart went out to him because of that. I wished I could help him in his endeavor. Unfortunately, even if I studied my entire life, I wouldn't even reach 1/1000th of his intelligence. All I could do was support from the sidelines.
That's what I thought when I got the email that changed my life. It was from Alex Jones himself.
āNo, it can't be. Surely, someone must be pulling my leg,ā I thought.
I read the email. It said the following:
Kevin, my brave soldier against deep state reptilian tyranny, I have been keeping up with your intellectual battles against the woke mob for quite some time. Every comment you leave on an episode of my podcast has me busting my gut. Whenever I see you arguing with libs, I almost feel bad seeing how thoroughly you demolish them. I have big plans. Unfortunately, I can't say much here.
They're listening. If you want to know more, check this link. It will expire in 24 hours.
In case this might be a virus, I decided to click the link on my old phone. That wasn't the cause of my dilemma. No, that would be the rift that had formed between Alex Jones and Donald Trump. It broke my heart to see my two favorite people in the world, once getting along, now at odds. Has aging slowed my beloved president? Maybe, but the wisdom accumulated from his years on this planet more than made up for that.
One thing I knew for sure, though, is that Alex Jones is never wrong about anything, which meant there had to be something deeper going on. When I checked the link, I was taken to a page with coordinates and a date a week from when I got the email. I took this as meaning Alex Jones wanted to meet me in person. I put the coordinates into Google Maps, and the location it showed was a diner outside a town about an hour from my home. I told Jeff I had a dentist appointment then, and he agreed I would get the day off.
That wasnāt a lie, by the way. I actually did. After my appointment, I drove to the diner. The bell rang when I opened the door and stepped inside. Aside from a few patrons sitting at the counter, the restaurant seemed to be empty.
āOver here, Kevin,ā I heard a gruff voice say.
It came from a corner booth. Sitting at it was Alex Jones, wearing a trench coat. A fedora was on a table, and a mug of coffee. I couldnāt believe it was him, even though he was right in front of me. He smiled reassuringly at me with a cigarette in his mouth.
āSit down, son. We have a lot to talk about.ā
He was generous enough to pay for my meal. The waitress brought over a steaming cup of black coffee for me and two plates of food for each of us. On them were some buttered pancakes, eggs, and bacon.
āDo you know why I love this place? Itās one of the few restaurants that allows smoking indoors, like the good old days,ā he said, crushing the end of his cigarette into an ashtray. āNow, Iām sure you must have a lot of questions.ā
I thought for a moment about what I should ask first. This wasnāt some mere comment to trigger the left or get some likes from my fellow patriots. This needed to impress him.
āI guess I want to know why me?ā
His eyes conveyed a sharp knowingness as he replied.
āWell, aside from what I mentioned in the email, itās because youāre a careful person. Thatās why I knew we had to meet somewhere like this. Youāre clever. I respect that.ā
It was true. I made sure to avoid buying from companies that put estrogen in their products, and I always took Info Wars supplements to keep my mind sharp.
āIām happy to hear that from you,ā I said. āNow, would you mind telling me what we should do from here?ā
The way Alexās expression shifted conveyed that he was waiting for this question.
āFirst, I have to tell you about the threat.ā
He stared down at his coffee and sighed.
āIām sure youāve seen that President Trump and I have been at odds lately. I donāt want things to be this way, but public opinion on him has been shifting in the wrong direction lately. A lot of people say itās because heās old, because heās demented. We know the real reason.ā
āTell me. I want to know!ā
āLet me ask you something. How often do you eat out?ā
āNot very often since weāre still feeling the effects of Bidenās economic policies. I try to eat at home as much as I can.ā
āExactly, but President Trump is a man of action. He needs his food fast, and the global elites have used that against him.ā
āIām not sure I understand.ā
āItās too much to explain here. I need to know if you trust me.ā
While these were strange circumstances, I knew that Alex was a man of integrity and wouldnāt lead me astray. I replied with a nod.
āGood,ā he said, sticking his head out of the booth to make sure the coast was clear, āletās go.ā
āI took the bus here. Easier to blend in, so weāll have to take your car.ā
āSure thing, just tell me where to.ā
He guided me as we drove, and through multiple turns, we ended up by some tall grass with a dirt path between it.
āAre you sure about this? It looks like someoneās driveway.ā
āYes, this is the place.ā
With a shrug, I turned in. We pulled up to what appeared to be an abandoned two-story home. I raised a brow at Alex, and he assured me we were at the correct location. We got out of the car, and I followed him to the back.Ā
I looked around, not seeing anything more than a rusted swing set with seatless chains that hung limply, and some deflated sports balls half covered by dead leaves.
He gave that knowing smile again.
A tree was near us, and he grabbed one of the branches, pulling down on it. An audible click sounded, and a trapdoor opened beneath our feet. Screaming, I fell in while Alex took the ordeal more casually. We went down a series of slides, ending up in front of a thick metal door. Feeling dizzy, I leaned against the wall.
āDon't worry. You get used to it,ā Alex told me with a chuckle, and gave me a hearty slap on the back.
He knocked on the door. The eye slot on it slid aside, and two beady eyes stared from it.
āWelcome back, Alex,ā a voice that was also familiar to me said. āWho's that with you?ā
āHe wants in on our plans. I already vetted him, and he won't cause any trouble.ā
I saw the person's eyes go briefly to me. Then the eye slot slid shut. The door was unlocked, and when it opened, I was shocked to see another person I admired.
āJoe Rogan, what are you doing here?ā
āAll the big dogs hang around here,ā he told me. āCome on in. We'll get you situated.ā
Even though he wasn't as tall as I thought, his confidence made up for that. We followed him inside to some kind of lab facility. We passed multiple rooms in which various experiments were being conducted. In one, the hosts of Fox News were trying various experimental drugs. One of them was breathing fire. Another was levitating, and another was telekinetically moving a life-sized, golden, anatomically correct Trump statue, complete with a muscular physique for the rest to worship.
A sudden bang from a nearby window made me flinch. A man with a Biden/Harris shirt on was frantically banging against it. Blood covered his swollen face.
His voice was muffled, but I made out him saying the words,
From out of the shadows behind him appeared a giant Uncle Sam that reminded me of the people at fairs in costume, walking on stilts. Its eyes were coal black, and its grin revealed red, white, and blue teeth. With one hand, it grabbed him by the head, pulling him into the darkness. Alex and Joe urged me along.
āWhat exactly is this place?ā I asked.
āWhat you see here is where we manufacture weapons to fight deep state tyranny,ā Alex replied.
āThe latest in firepower, phones that can't be tracked, drugs that shield you from mind control, you name it. We got it,ā Joe added.
āHell yeah, I was starting to think those deep state bastards have all the advantages,ā I said.
āWell, let's not get ahead of ourselves,ā Alex responded. āWe can't defend ourselves against everything they do. In fact, that's why you're here.ā
We went to a room that was shrouded in darkness. When the lights came on, I was puzzled to see a large sectioned frog tank.Ā
āWhat kind of experiment have y'all got going here?ā I inquired.
Something brushed against my shoulder. I looked to see Joe handing me a hazmat suit. They already had theirs in hand. These were men with top-tier genes, so if they were taking precautions, whatever was happening here had to be serious.
āWait,ā Joe said, putting a hand on my shoulder, āmake sure you drink this.ā
He handed me a bottle of green liquid. I took it, finding the shade slightly off-putting.
āThanks, what is it?ā
āI call it ārev up juice', and it's guaranteed to quadruple your focus. Trust me, a bottle of this stuff and your brain becomes a sponge. It also doesn't hurt that it helps with gains.ā
For emphasis, Joe flexed his muscles. Once we all had our hazmat suits on, things got underway. Alex held a remote control.
āKevin, let me ask you something. What do you think is the most memorable thing I have ever said?ā
āThat's easy. It's what you said about chemicals āturning the friggin frogs gay!ā.ā
āThat's one of the best impressions of me I've heard. Unfortunately, this isn't any laughing matter. You see, we managed to acquire the chemical.ā
āWait, you're saying you got the chemicals that turn frogs gay?ā
āBut I thought being gay was a choice?ā
āOnly for mammals, anyway, see how it works for yourself.ā
Alex pressed a button on the remote, and rainbow colored gas filled a part of the tank that only had male frogs in it. As soon as the gas hit them, they began aggressively humping each other.
āDisgusting, to think we have to subject these beautiful creatures to such depravity,ā Joe said.
āIt's for science, Joseph,ā Alex replied solemnly.
The horrors of the deep state were truly unfathomable. What drives people to create things that cause such perversion? I didn't have the faintest idea.
āI know,ā Alex told me, sensing my feelings. āI was stunned to silence the first time I saw this too, and the worst part is, they've already managed to use this stuff on Trump.ā
My heart thought. I did find it odd when he took the queer flag all those years ago. However, I thought that was a part of his 4D chess strategy.Ā
āNo, it can't beā¦ā I breathed, feeling weak in my knees.
āGet a hold of yourself!ā Joe said, grabbing and shaking me. āIt doesn't work on him.ā
āIt doesn't? Why not?ā
āThink about it? Trump has a thousand times more testosterone than anyone. It's going to take more than some pussy ass chemicals to make him submit to the queergenda.ā
I calmed down thanks to those words.
āRight, that makes sense. I shouldn't freak out so easily, sorry.ā
āYep, that said, while the gas can't make him gay. It has slowed him down. I mean, don't get us wrong. He can still wipe the floor with any libcuck day or night, but if they manage to keep this up, a Trump 2028 presidency won't be possible,ā Alex said.
āThat's horrible. Is there anything that can be done?ā
āAs a matter of fact, there is, and that's where you come in.ā
Alex and Joe instructed me to reach inside the tank and grab one of the gay frogs. Although I was hesitant, I did as told and took one of them. Naturally, since the frog was a homosexual, it tried humping my gloved hands. I wrinkled my nose in disgust.
āYeah, we know it feels weird, but nobody else was brave enough to help us with this, and we needed at least three people,ā Joe told me.
I held the frog as Joe forced its mouth open. Alex took out a beaker of red liquid and poured it down its throat. Once we were sure it had swallowed, which, of course, it didn't have any trouble doing, I put it back in the tank, except in the section with the female frogs. Instantly, they were on him, eager to be his mate.
āThe gay cure worked!ā Alex said, pumping his fist with enthusiasm. āThank you, Kevin, we've taken a giant leap toward a fair and just Christian world.ā
I hadn't felt this proud since I showed my dad the drawing I made in kindergarten. Sure, he threw up on it, but seeing it on our fridge still made me beam with pride. We took off our hazmat suits and exited the lab.
āIf there's anything else I can do, I'll keep in touch,ā I told Alex and Joe, shaking their hands.
āActually, there is something,ā Joe said. āYou can stay.ā
There was something about his and Alex's grins that was starting to put me on edge.Ā
āI appreciate the offer, but I do have a life I need to get back to.ā
āPerhaps we need to be clearer,ā Alex replied in a sinister tone. āYou have to stay.ā
I was about to ask what he was talking about when a sudden jolt passed through my body, causing me to stagger back.
āWhat is this?ā I demanded.
āTell us, Kevin, what do you think of this?ā
He showed me a picture from a gay fireman calendar. Normally, my response to this situation would be,
āGet that sick perversion out of my face before I slap the shit out of you!ā
Instead, what came out was,
āWow, he looks like he gives great hugs.ā
Mortified at the words I had spoken, I asked Alex and Joe,
āWhat did you do to me? I thought we were supposed to fight deep state tyranny!ā
āCheck your hands,ā Alex pointed.
Doing so made my stomach twist. My hands were now green and webbed with a layer of slime coating them. It was at this moment that Alex and Joe revealed what they truly were. Pincers ripped out of their faces, tearing away the skin and revealing them to be insect humanoids. They reminded me vaguely of the cockroach from the first Men In Black film.
āYou see, Kevin, we needed you here to test our real experiment,ā Joe explained. āRemember that ārev up juice' I gave you earlier?ā
āThat's right,ā Alex said. āWe were the ones who made the chemicals that turn frogs gay! Unfortunately, no matter what we did, it couldn't turn straight humans into homosexuals. Therefore, we figured if we couldn't do that, the next best thing would beā¦ā
That's when my world shattered, and the horrible truth became apparent.
āIt would be turning people into gay frogs!ā
Joe nudged Alex's shoulder.
āHey, Alexander, this one's pretty slow, but he finally got it!ā
Suddenly, I slipped, falling on my back. Groaning, I looked down, seeing that I now had frog feet.
āWhat's going to happen to me?ā I cried out.
āOnce you are fully changed, you'll live out the rest of your days with the other frogs, and then we'll slowly begin sneaking our homophibian formula into all our products. By the time people realize what's happening, it will already be too late, and the insectoid takeover will be complete,ā Alex replied.Ā
āWhat about Trump? I thought you loved him!ā
Tears were streaming down my face. Alex and Joe doubled over, laughing.
āHe means nothing to us, and by the way, we never used any chemicals on the man. He's just a fucking moron, and the only ones more stupid than him are the ones who believe his horse shit. Once he's served his purpose, we'll toss him aside like the garbage he is,ā Joe said as he and Alex stared down at me with their cold buggy eyes.
Alex snapped his fingers, and some people in hazmat suits came to take me away.
āWait,ā I yelled, ācan I ask one thing?ā
āWhat's that?ā Joe responded with a hint of curiosity.
āThe assassination attempt on Trump during the election was that real or staged?ā
Alex and Joe's grins stretched wider, and their faces split slightly.
āYou'll never know,ā Alex said.
I screamed out the word ānoā as I was getting dragged away. It's been a day since then, and the lower half of my body is now completely frogified. I managed to type all this on my phone. As you can imagine, it was quite difficult. Don't ask me why I still have my phone.Ā
I guess they assume nobody would believe me if I tried to tell them about who is actually out to destroy humanity. I guess all I have to look forward to now is an all-insect diet and a lot of time on a lily pad. I sure hope I get put in with the male frogs. No, damn it! Shit! I meant, the female frogs! Before I lose myself completely, I want to give a warning.Ā
Whatever you do, never try anything from Alex Jones or Joe Rogan. Please, perfect God Emperor Trump, save me.
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Greetings, I am a horror/horror comedy writer who formerly pos
