A Letter To An Old Friend
It’s been a while. 2 years and 2 days to be exact. I wish I could say I don’t remember that night but I remember every detail. I remember that you had a sprained ankle. I remember that it kept spitting with rain. I remember the roads we walked down, some of them I still can’t today. I remember I was the only one crying. I remember the unkept promise that we could still be friends. I remember asking you if I could do something and, as you said yes, I pulled you close for one last kiss. It was different from all of the others. It was cold. It was flat. The connection had gone. I remember going into my house and the tears stopped as I had none left to cry. So I just sat motionless “watching” TV. I wasn’t really. I was just staring at the screen not really taking anything in. I don’t remember sleeping. If I did it wasn’t until late and it wasn’t for very long. But what I remember most about that night is how it came about. I apologised. I have never regretted saying sorry in all my life as much as I did that night. I have now become terrified of the word. I either use it too much or don’t use it at all. Both of these are equally bad. Of course, it’s made worse by my depression and anxiety. If you remember, I was diagnosed with depression about a week before that night. Now I have been diagnosed with both and have been on tablets for around a year or so. So I guess you were right, I am crazy. But to be fair to me, my grieving process wasn’t easy. It was far from it. The only way you will truly understand is if I tell you what I put myself through.
The first 3 months were hell. Absolute hell. In the first 2 weeks I: went missing for a day; stayed in my room all day for a total of 10 days; failed 2 mocks which I had been expected to excel in; didn’t eat for a total of 9 days; cried myself to sleep every night and had nightmares every night. All of that was just within the first 2 weeks. Over the course of the next 2 1/2 months I lost 2 stone as I barely ate, simply because I didn’t want to. I stopped going to college every day and only went on days I felt strong enough to interact with other people. Although, most of the time I ended up coming home early as it was just too overwhelming. Everyone around me was happy. People would talk to me and try to cheer me up but it was like I didn’t exist. It was like they were talking to an empty shell of the person I used to be. I don’t remember much about the time I spent at home alone in my room. Most of the time I had dosed up on paracetamol so I couldn’t remember if I tried. Not enough to stop breathing. No. Just enough so that the pain went away. Just enough so that I could pretend everything was okay and it was all going to fix itself. I couldn’t do any of the things I used to enjoy. I couldn’t watch any of the films or TV shows I used to watch as we watched them together. Watching them with you made them even more special to me than they already were so even looking at the cases brought the pain gushing back. I prayed every night. I prayed for you. For you to come back. For you to love me. For you to be happy. For you to find someone you loved as much as I loved you. I changed my hair in hopes of changing myself. I changed my room in hopes to erase the thought of you every time I stepped foot in there. I bought new bedding to try and erase the memory of the nights we used to spend together. I avoided walking routes I thought you might walk. I avoided places I thought you might be. I nearly dropped out of college and gave up my dream of becoming a family solicitor. To be completely honest I thought of dropping out and becoming an escort. But I felt like the ugliest person on Earth. I felt so inadequate to every other girl I knew. I felt worthless. I felt like I wasn’t good enough. Not even good enough to be an escort. And I felt like I would never be good enough. I thought I was going to be alone forever. I would never be anything or anyone. I felt like I couldn’t achieve my dreams. I felt dead. And, honestly, I think I did die. At least, the person I was then died. I cut myself off from my friends. I cut myself off from my family. I was isolated in my own mind where I was left to and successfully destroyed myself. There was nothing left. My heart was in a million pieces. My mind was fried and exhausted. My body was weak and battered. I was just a shell, performing the bodily functions that are necessary to live, but not really living at all. And definitely not with the will to live. I would go through the same motions every day. I got up. I thought of you. I cried. I re-read our messages. I cried. I thought of everything I could have done differently. I cried. I thought of how miserable I must have made you. I cried. And that would repeat until I eventually cried myself to sleep.
And then something happened. Something that I could never have imagined. A miracle, if you will.
I met someone. Someone who reignited a spark in my hollow shell. I had forgotten what it felt like to love. To be loved. To feel wanted. To not be alone. Needless to say I fell head over heels in love with this perfectly imperfect human being. And that hasn’t changed. I still love him as much now as I did back then, if not more. He has this sparkle in his eyes that doesn’t seem to fade and it keeps my spirit going. His smile is the most beautiful work of art I have ever laid eyes on. His laugh is a record I want to hear everyday of my life and I will do anything to make sure that, no matter what is going on in his life, he can always smile and laugh. When I’m around him I feel at ease. When he holds me I feel safe. I miss him as soon as he leaves. I’m not afraid to show him I love him, even in front of others. And he’s not afraid to do the same. We share interests and can enjoy them together. Even when we disagree, we appreciate the other. We also have our own interests and we both love learning about them. Not necessarily to enjoy as well, but to understand why the other enjoys it so much. And just watching each other do something or talk about something we are passionate about just brings happiness and joy. But if I had to choose one thing, out of the millions of choices, which would be my favourite thing about us? It would be that, no matter what we both go through, how hard we find everything, when we feel like we can’t go on, we still love each other and do everything in our power to be with each other. Our relationship isn’t perfect. No relationship is. Possibly ours even less so. But we fight for it because we want it so bad. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I expect you think I’ve told you this to upset you, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. I only tell you about my feelings for him because I once felt them for you. I would give him my life. And I would have given my life for you. I very nearly did. When you left I lost my best friend, the person I loved, my confidant and my everything. I never thought I would find that again. But I did. He is the light in my dark. A light I had accepted would never come on.
But even this light was tainted with the thought of you. I was distant in the beginning. I tried to keep my emotions hidden and secret, somewhere no one, not even the one I loved, could reach. I was afraid to say “I love you”. I don’t know if it is more deeply saddening or completely stupid to be afraid of telling the one you love exactly that. It took me a couple of months because I didn’t want to rush it and get my heart broken again. This is because I remember it was exactly 2 weeks after we got together that I first told you, in all seriousness, that I loved you. Not only this, but it took a year for the nightmares to stop. And even after the nightmares stopped, it took a few weeks to stop your face haunting my dreams. I still cried myself to sleep over the pain I suffered every now and then. That went on for another 6 months.
Despite all of this, I still treasure all of the memories we made. Our first conversation always makes me laugh. It was on Twitter and we were saying how we both had a vile teacher named Mr Jackson and we said how it must run in the name. And then it got weird. Both our Mr Jackson’s looked like another teacher and both taught science. And from that we worked out that we went to the same school and had lived 5 minutes away from each other and never even knew it. Another conversation that has always stuck in my mind is when you told me why I was amazing to you. How I was amazing because speaking to me made your day and how you couldn’t wait to speak to me when you got home from school. But most of all, how I had stopped you from thinking and perhaps even self harming or suicide. I don’t know how true that statement was, but it made me feel like I had made a difference in someone’s life and that I could do good in the world. During our time together I was close to suicide 3 times. And each time the thing that stopped me was you. I wrote a suicide note each time. All addressed to you. Not my family. Not my friends. You. Because you were the only person that mattered to me. But who could forget how we got together? I was going to ask you out earlier in the evening but had a panic attack over it because I didn’t know if you felt the same way and all the worst case scenarios went through my head. Then later that night, in the lull of my attack, I told you what I had planned to do and we laughed about it. And then you said “I think we would be good together ;)” and I agreed and we were both a bit confused so you asked “so is it done...” and I just replied “I guess so”. Not the most romantic start but it was unique, I’ll give you that. One funny memory that definitely stands out is the first walk we went on. It was when we had all of that snow and I was out with my best friend. We just walked around in the snow talking, mostly me and my best friend, about anything. Anything at all. The one thing that makes it stand out is my hands. That was when I had bright orange hands because I had used a cream which I didn’t realise was a tanner as well. You laughed so hard at my hands. I didn’t mind though because I got to see you smile. One of my favourite memories was our first kiss. We had been to the cinema to see The Great Gatsby. That itself was special as towards the end I gathered the nerve to hold your hand and lean on your shoulder. And then you walked me back to my house and on the way we were talking about how you had been trying to think of a way to kiss me and how you wanted to do it after walking me home but you were afraid. So we eventually got to my house and we were stood outside for a couple of minutes and you started to walk away so I called out to you and walked up to you and then we kissed. You were all wide eyed and looked terrified and walked away straight away. It made me laugh. I don’t know if I ever told you, but I struggled to unlock my door because I was so giddy and when I got in and closed the door I sat straight down on the floor laughing and crying happy tears.
These are but a few memories that I vividly remember and are some of my favourites. I treasure all of the others too. And this is really why I am writing this letter to you. I want the memories I have of you to be treasured and happy ones. The ones where we were getting to know each other. The ones when we were together.
This chapter has been closed for a long time for me. But it keeps getting re-opened for whatever reason. I don’t mind remembering. I don’t mind thinking about how it used to be. But every time it gets re-opened, I feel the same pain. It stops me from completely healing. The pain will never go away, I know that. But if I can completely heal, I know it will be bearable and the only things I will remember will be the happy ones I want to remember.
This is my attempt to finally close this chapter for good. For both of us. I’m moving forward with my life. I’m at university and I’m doing well. I’m following my dream of becoming a family solicitor. I’m close to a job in a law firm. I’m in a loving relationship. I know who my friends are and I cherish them. Me and my family are at the best point in our relationship that has ever been. And I really hope that your life is the same. If it’s not, I wish you the best and please believe me when I say it does get better. I didn’t think it did either, but it does. You just have to keep at it. I hope you find someone that you can love with all of your life and get the same in return. I hope you achieve your dreams. But most of all, I hope you find happiness. We all deserve happiness.
I hope this answers and questions or thoughts that you have been searching for. Maybe once we have both fully healed our paths might cross again and we may be able to be friends. But for now I am happy to remember how we were and the good times we shared. I hope you can do the same. I don’t hold any ill will against you and I would like to think the opposite is true. Although, if it’s not then I can’t say that I blame you.
So this is the end. This chapter will be stored in my fondest memories and there it will remain. Maybe we will meet again.
Goodbye, to my old friend.
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