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@rosesandsm
Forever feels alone
I was a bit active on Instagram since I posted something on my birthday. But it surely feels different after months not being online. Then, I thought to myself, journey of getting to know myself, loving myself is indeed a lonely one. I do have my family, I do have my friends, but, eventually, its just me yknow. The idea of sharing my pain, my worries, my thoughts to my close ppl feels burdening. It feels uninvited? Idk if that makes sense.
I am not the best to myself
Posting something after a long time and not just anything, but something that I really love. Someone commented on it and her question made me all embarrassed and I felt so small. I thought no one will not notice anything but she did. I immediately deleted my post and logged out.
Am I my own cheerleader when it comes to ‘you do you’? I dont think so.
On that side note, to the person who lives 4,611 km away from me; and are tested positive with COVID also recovering from a surgery, I hope you will get well soon and have the best rest. I’m sorry you cannot see this post, but believe me, I’m here praying and hoping the best for you <3
Be ok with your own skin
2 weeks before my first psychiatrist appointment and birthday. I have ordered my cake hehe, a special one according to my design and the flavour that I like. I have always expect people to remember my birthday so this year I decided to go on my own terms. Hell, I am planning to go out the whole day on my birthday, but not sure yet huhu. I am more comfortable to do this way this year. I have always love my birthday. I dont know, thats the only day I can feel special huhu :’)
There is more to this..
I was watching BTS in the soop. Watching 7 young man, millionaires artists enjoying themselves during their vacation made me think, why I don’t try to enjoy and live a fulfilling life while I can?. All this while, I’m so worked up with the idea of must having someone, maybe just because everyone else has one or maybe im just lonely. Why would I want to chase new commitment?. I mean.. that should be another thing to be worried about, in the future not now.
I hope I will hold on to this idea tomorrow hahahaha. Im just so tired with myself hoping to have someone special while I should be living my life, with my own company. Don’t think you so?.
Untitled © Peter Solarz
Magnificent <3
Disconnection
As days goes by, I can’t recognize myself anymore. I don’t feel ‘me’.
I prefer silent than loud noise. I prefer to be alone than be with people. I prefer to shut people away than be with them.
I’m thankful
Despite feeling shit all the time, I’m glad and grateful that I have my sister to count on. No, I don’t come to her everyday to talk about my thoughts and all. I have come forward to seek professional help, I will stick to that. I dont want to burden my sister with that. For now, she is my moral support, cheerleader, my safe place.
This is not the end
27th December. The day I decided to spend money for the sake of mental health. Today I’ll be seeing clinical psychologist after noticing some symptoms and feeling inconsistent and blue with my rollercoaster of emotions. Sometimes I wonder, am I making this up, is this real?. Every time I felt this urge to cry, I cannot bring myself to let out one tear. The inside of me feels so trapped and as if there is a water dam just waiting thunderstorms to break the wall. Ok, that metaphor seems weird. But, yeah. I’m kinda scared honestly. There are two hours left till the appointment. Hopefully, this meeting worth my money. Huhuhu.
Butterfly
I’m sorry. I love you, but I just cannot be around people atm. I’m really sorry.
I wish I’m strong enough.
Light
I woke up today and saw the sunshine is glistening beautifully. Aaaa I’m so happy. Hopefully the sorrow bestow upon my malaysian fellows will be uplifted.
My first job application was turned down. Sigh. I feel so little.
I’m just gonna write my thoughts here. No one follows me on Tumblr.
I just wish I could have access to this one person who used to let me talk about anything and let me rant about how tired I was. Now, I talk to myself and I comfort myself. Maybe I should I see a counsellor. hm
I wish it would be easy
Of course its not. Nothing comes easy in this world. I can accept that, its just that, every time I want to take a step forward, I will take 10 steps back because everything is overwhelming. There is a voice in my mind that says I will not make it.
Before you find your soul mate, you must first discover your soul.
Charles Glassman (via sunsetquotes)
On this day
It’s so pathetic of me, going back to memories with someone who is clearly not thinking about me anymore. I feel like a total failure. I’ve been wearing a disguise, for thinking that I’m getting better and letting go, once the mask is off, I’m back to the pathetic loser.
instagram.com/jericosilvers
