Drown Me Out, For I, am Misery.

—«𐂯»— ✧ » Z ♱ ROTT ✧ Aroace ♱ Agender « ✧ ⌞♱ Non Human ♱ Artist ,, Writer⌝

[rotting-pawzz]

"What is this blog?" mostly sys stuff and venting !

We're " Z " - Collectively only. If we sign off with a name, use that Alters name.

Pronouns 🐾 ] :: It/Its, Paw/Paws, Rot/Rots, Bone/Bones, Vir/Virs, Frag/Frags

✧—>>

Frag DID sys, medically recognized as such. Not diagnosed.

✧—>> Alters ♰

✧ [🐾] Moss ♰ Its/Fae/Vamps

✧ [🎻] Vio ♰ They/It/He

✧ [🦌] Sleepy ♰ Deer/Deers

✧ [🌿] Lichen ♰ All Pronouns

✧ [💫] Apathy ♰ Null/Its

✧ [🦊] Kit ♰ Paw/Pups

♰♰ Protecters | Watchers ♰♰

✧ [📎] !nfo / Info ♰ It/Virs

✧ [🐦‍⬛] Dark ♰ He/It

✧ [👁️‍🗨️] Archivist ♰ They/He

✧ [🗝️] S ♰ No pronouns

✧ [🩸] Remi ♰ It/Its

♰♰ We are not adding everyone, as a sys, we do not keep track of all alters. It is better for us mentally, these will only be the most active alters, and ones that are frequently around. ♰♰

[rotting-pawzz]

feel like .

not really have memory gaps between us

is fucking confusing

just not make sense anymore

[vio-starzz]

Goober supreme... — Lichen !! (any / all pronouns)

Alt versions, and. Well I dunno.

Only design notes we're a fan of is the 2 star freckles !! Has a mini crown because.. Slays that way ig. And mini littol sprout on paw bean... Waow..

Not feelin the yappin today for ref sheet either,so-

That is all .

[rotting-pawzz]

I fear we love watching her do art...

[rotting-pawzz]

struggling so harrrd

need find name for self and the one have rn doesnt work

cannot use source. that is a japanese name. i am not .

but creativity is. lackinnng

will figure out eventually???? ihope??

[rotting-pawzz]

There is something so painfully suffocating when it comes to… thinking about the future. About living. 

About having any place in this world. 

How do I have a future, if I can barely stay grounded in the present? How is someone like me able to live? 

Is there no hope? Will I just rot away for my inability to function? Is my health and wellbeing just a burden? Can I even live through another year? Can I live at all? 

I’m scared. Scared of what will come of me. Scared of how hopeless life feels. 

But despite that, fuck, despite everything- I want to try. 

I have to try. 

Because someone out there has managed to make it feel less suffocating. 

Someone out there has made me want to try. Want to live. 

Someone out there is my friend. 

My friend.

— 𐂯 —

It’s… Funny. 

People online have managed to make me feel more at home than my own home. 

Online friends are some of the best friends I’ve had. 

That’s where this really comes from. 

An online friend is currently one of my main reasons to try. 

To live, to draw, to write, to exist. 

He’s helped me so much, and it’s just… 

I don’t know. 

It’s hard to even articulate what I mean. What this has meant to me– 

Fuck; I have a friend who I don’t know the voice of. Who I don’t see or even know what looks like. Who lives somewhere else, who has been nothing but interactions through a screen. 

Yet it’s that someone who has made life seem liveable. 

It’s the fact that they’re still living that seems so powerful. 

Because he still lives, and finds a way in life. Even when dealing with constant pain. Even with several disabilities that take away from functionality. Despite however life has fucked them, they’re still here. 

I don’t fully understand all those struggles, I don’t fully understand their life– But the little things I do? It’s motivating to try too. 

It’s a friend who I interacted with passively through a fandom I’m no longer even active in, and who we really started talking with through a specific game. It’s fascinating how that’s what it all started as. To what it’s managed to become.

Someone I can feel comfortable and safe around even when what’s happening is we’re idling together on a game, and doing our own things in life. 

Someone who helped me figure out what it was to be “myself” Someone who I’ve drawn for many times, and who I can check in with every day. Someone to share interests with or to yap around with. Someone to motivate me to create, and who can love and look into what it is I make for even the smallest things. 

My friend, who I feel safe with. Who I feel seen and accepted around. 

Whose given my life some meaning. 

I feel like my life has meaning again through an online friend. 

Through a friend who I love the cat of. 

Through a friend who gives me company.

Makes me feel less alone, less of a failure—

Because I’m not a failure, I’m alive. 

We’re all just alive, and fighting. Even if the world seems hopeless… That’s all we can really do sometime. 

So maybe my thoughts are scattered and meaningless. Maybe I can barely make sense of my own emotions, my own friendships– What everything really means is hard to condense to words. I have so many thoughts, yet I can’t really make myself… Understandable. 

I don’t really know, I just. 

I suppose I just wanted to try and form it. Try and explain how a friendship that can range from comforting on a bad day to losing our shit over a specific part of a video related to a shared interest can mean so much. 

I lack the strength and so badly struggle to find reason to exist in the world around me, I feel lost and hopeless– Yet somehow online, even with everything being chaos, I can find a place like home. 

I can belong, and I can live– 

Or at least, I can try. 

I want to try. 

So thank you to my friend. 

Even if I lost what I meant at the start, even if I end what I mean so poorly…

Thank you for living, because despite your struggles, you still have survived. And with that, you’ve made someone want to try and live as well. 

[rotting-pawzz]

mother keeps like . asking ??? if done with pills yet. like oh oh oh. hey are you sure they work anymore... like why you askin that everytime i need a refill girl

of i go off them i am immediately AWFUL . girrrlll

[rotting-pawzz]

mmm just need to be

upset somewhere .

first thing is just. mother thinks we're starving ourself ? like oh you lost like 15 pounds is it... on purpose... and like blah blah-

its like hey. will you please be direct aboutwhat dinner is ? and stop just... leaving us to figure it out? i dont have food often outside of dinner . unless its snacking stuff which/ shes switched us to healthier snacks ig and also stated directly oh i want to get (them) to eat as healthy as i do!!! like- hey mother you are disgustingly healthy with like protein and shit and if you ever did that to us at some point you would be starving us ???

n its like. i dunno. its not im purposely starving self. its that i dont feel like getting much. like i jus i dunno. she gen started questioning us so hard after learned st appointment n its like hey those are uncomfy questions also. i just

icky. im not good at making different food options but like st some point im not getting options and i just have to eat frozen burritos for the second night in a row because she just left to the gym after everything

is just. i dunno i just dont. know.

———

Other thing !

We need a job and better self care for self to actually be allowed to graduate high school.

like need start taking showers twice week, brushing teeth- need to be fucking independent!!! ofc!!!

its like. shes expecting change out of nowhere. therapy doesnt help us anymore. never did. not really. n a bunch of what wants is really hard sensory wise for self care

and then a job is like. when will you start applying and!! Mother? I dont know. Apply where ? I cant get a fucking job. I cant deal with fucking people. I thought my life should've ended by now??? i dont know how to do any of these things and yet its all coming out of nowhere like

hey youre an adult now, so fucking just magically get better . learn to do all this, you should get a drivers license and how to be a functional person-

How the fuck do I be a functional person ?

Its always been heres the expectation now just do it. but i cant. i cannot. I dont know whats wrong with me but something is. I cannot be functional i cannot exist on a normal person schedule icannot be an adult and yet

i need to just do it

just suddenly wake up one day and be able to take care of myself perfectly alone.

i dont

i cant live in a world like this

i just cant be alivecant be anything

all see is mother doesnt wanna take care of us dont talk to father. n. siblings seem better off without us.

just a burden and i dont know

i cant .

im never going to live. not the way that's expected of me. i want to believe that just living is enough

but it doesnt feel like it

if icant contribute why even keep living

thats all it looks like now

[rotting-pawzz]

I wouldn't say sys is in shambles. but. hear me out.

we're loosing the host as a host.

and we haven't been put together since nearing and after birthday, and

just maybe not good

[rock-n-onyx]

.

[rotting-pawzz]

Mmm. Technically yes but it is not the same as this.

Only fighting ones can remember is between a protector and a persecutor.

Most of the fighting we do other then that is either joking or "Hey dont impulsively spend money" "FUCK YOU I WANNA" and someone else steps in or something.

Don't know how to describe it for us.

You say this has to do with not eating food or something ? Like, probably mainly self care or something related? Is there a way to maybe try and meet in the middle. Or just try and set up something like boundaries between like hey I'm trying my best as (the host ?) and this is too much.

I dont. Know ? Want to help, but.

The two who. Actually fight mention isnt exactly. Explainable. Well? Its the difference of I want to help the body vs i am actively trying and going to harm or hurt other alters ? Which we have an ater who can. Force people to not front and go away in a sense?

[rock-n-onyx]

.

[rotting-pawzz]

Mmm. Technically yes but it is not the same as this.

Only fighting ones can remember is between a protector and a persecutor.

Most of the fighting we do other then that is either joking or "Hey dont impulsively spend money" "FUCK YOU I WANNA" and someone else steps in or something.

Don't know how to describe it for us.

You say this has to do with not eating food or something ? Like, probably mainly self care or something related? Is there a way to maybe try and meet in the middle. Or just try and set up something like boundaries between like hey I'm trying my best as (the host ?) and this is too much.

I dont. Know ? Want to help, but.

The two who. Actually fight mention isnt exactly. Explainable. Well? Its the difference of I want to help the body vs i am actively trying and going to harm or hurt other alters ? Which we have an ater who can. Force people to not front and go away in a sense?

[rotting-pawzz]

mmmm does it make me a bad person to have seen and heard about the disliking of fae/faer pronouns and both sides of its fine / its bad...

and just

dont fucking care

I dont care that its like. "cultural appropriation about Celtics!!"

like its kinda split on people giving a fuck or not and im sorry i dislike "just spelling it a diff way!"

like i try to be respectful of people and different things but this one thing i refuse to change on ?

shouldnt i change? its bad so why do i not think other wise

why do i not

care

[rotting-pawzz]

mmmm does it make me a bad person to have seen and heard about the disliking of fae/faer pronouns and both sides of its fine / its bad...

and just

dont fucking care

I dont care that its like. "cultural appropriation about Celtics!!"

like its kinda split on people giving a fuck or not and im sorry i dislike "just spelling it a diff way!"

like i try to be respectful of people and different things but this one thing i refuse to change on ?

shouldnt i change? its bad so why do i not think other wise

why do i not

care

[rotting-pawzz]

I love never being taught about my body!

The only thing i was truthfully told was "your body will bleed every month!" and that

was fucking

it

and thats not even the case. for us. imbalance in schedule from health shit so thats not right so then what the fuck

how am i supposed to know shit about my body and then like

should change underwear every day? i didnt ? know that?

i dont

i dont fuckinf

know what happens with my body i dont know whats normal i dont

i never was taught

how the fuck do people know how to take care of themselves and more about their body n just

im

so upset

[vio-starzz]

its

almost 3

i should slllleeep

hm

[rotting-pawzz]

lmao

i have a funny idea

[shatteredstarscoll]

List of some reasons we go into phases of doubt and denial as an undiagnosed OSDD system;

✮⋆˙ We cannot remember our childhood well in the slightest. it's either blank or extremely blurry/vague. Due to this, we cannot remember if we ever had symptoms as a child, similar to what others describe for their experiences.

✮⋆˙ Often times, alters will act through the host, making it incredibly difficult for them to know who they are at times, or make it difficult for them to even notice that there is someone else nearby, because it cannot tell that a thought/action is not their own.

✮⋆˙ Frequently, when one of us- especially the host- attempts to think about how the system works the way it does, we will have a near instant, incessant thought of what we are doing or thinking is fake or as though we're wildly wrong, even though we've been processing discovery for 2-3 years now. It's as though a wall is slammed in front of it and it's extremely difficult to get through.

✮⋆˙ We have a very strange way of how our memory works. instead of individual memory banks, we have the collective one, where there is just a few memories or information that everyone accesses. We cannot remember anything that is not included in this memory bank. We know we have more memories hidden or sorted in some form of 'memory archive', but very little alters have access, and they too are stripped from excess memories while in front.

✮⋆˙ We don't really have a headspace, or at the least, cannot picture it.

✮⋆˙ We have low communication skills between each other, and upon attempts at communicating, will be hit with the 'denial barrier' at various degrees.

✮⋆˙ Voluntary switches are nearly impossible for us to do completely or comfortably.

✮⋆˙ On top of the last one, we switch particularly quickly when switching at all.

✮⋆˙ Upon thinking back on a recent event, regardless on if there was an identifiable switch or not, it's always disconnected from any identity, nobody really able to claim it as their memory outside of general assumptions of how we seemed to behave.

✮⋆˙ We nearly never forget important information. (ie; Legal/Collective name, Birth date, immediate family, friends, etc.) anything outside of these will be forgotten relatively frequently, or generally blurry about the information.

✮⋆˙ We're actually very terrified about needing to take back claims of being a system, so it causes severe anxiety about us possibly being wrong about it.

✮⋆˙ Our alters tend to act similarly to each other, making identification difficult.

✮⋆˙ We have very poor time perception, so we will think someone fronted a long time ago, but in reality it was actually very recently, or vice versa.

Final addition; Take all of our rambles with a grain of salt, as we are undiagnosed, however we are recognized by our therapist.

To other questioning systems reading this, I hope you can relate to us and find solace in the fact that you are not alone in your experiences, and you are going to be okay. System discovery is extremely difficult to do, is an extremely long process, and the doubt will never stop completely. I am immensely proud of you for making it this far, and I trust that you'll keep fighting. You're doing amazing just because you're surviving, and I hope you can thrive in the future. I love you, and you'll be okay.

-K ♪

Emotional Caretaker

[rotting-pawzz]

[rotting-pawzz]

mmmm does it make me a bad person to have seen and heard about the disliking of fae/faer pronouns and both sides of its fine / its bad...

and just

dont fucking care

I dont care that its like. "cultural appropriation about Celtics!!"

like its kinda split on people giving a fuck or not and im sorry i dislike "just spelling it a diff way!"

like i try to be respectful of people and different things but this one thing i refuse to change on ?

shouldnt i change? its bad so why do i not think other wise

why do i not

care