I was in a long-term relationship that fell apart partially because I was ace and my partner was very much not, and every time we looked for relationship help we got told that I was the problem. Not just that a significant mismatch in sexual desire could be a problem in a relationship, but that it was My Fault, Specifically, for not being willing to suck it up and have a bunch of sex I didn't want. To my ex's credit, he cared about consent much more than any of the professionals we talked to and refused to pressure me even when my (lesbian, billed as progressive and pro-LGBT) therapist was actively telling him to.
But it meant that we had absolutely no help or support when we were trying to work on the relationship in ways that *did* value my autonomy. There's basically no advice for people who want to try to make a relationship where there's a big desire gap work that isn't "well you should just have sex anyway" or "just break up lol". And that sucks!
Sometimes breaking up is necessary, and that's what ended up happening with us because there were other reasons we worked better as friends, but there *should* be better frameworks for discussing what people want and need that don't automatically assume that one partner's feelings are automatically more important or valuable than the other's.
I was dating someone who wanted to be accommodating and work with me to figure things out but lacked the EQ to do so in any effective way. It was my first relationship and I was still figuring out what being ace meant for me. It’s been eight or nine years, but I still remember very clearly the moment I realized we’d been approaching the entire discussion as if my orientation was the problem to be solved, and that it would be equally as valid to say that hers was.
She was significantly less impressed with this revelation than I was, but I tried to hold on to it ever since (although obviously the real problem wasn’t either one of us, but the mismatch and the lack of tools to deal with it). I think it’s super important to remember that we aren’t the ones in the wrong while our theoretical partners are the ones in the right. I was surprised by how much I’d internalized the assumption and I don’t think I’m the only one.
Not a tool exactly, but a related thought - I've had this discussion with some ace friends (Im also somewhere aspec) about foundational pillars of a relationship, specifically a Partner/Significant Other relationship. For a lot of people, one of those absolutely foundational pillars is good sex. It is *vital*, possibly more than anything else. This seems to explain imo couples who dont seem to have anything much in common, who dont share hobbies or interests and you look at them like is it just the attraction? Seems like for some people yeah thats the most important thing.
Whereas for a couple (or polycule) who are anywhere from sex-repelled to sex-neutral, sex might not be a pillar of the relationship at all, maybe its not present whatsoever, maybe its an occasional cherry on top when the stars align. Their relationship will be primarily built on other things like shared interests, shared passions, shared emotional support etc.
And for some relationships sex is a pillar but its not foundational. I think if its foundational for one person and not at all relevant for another, it wont work out that's incompatible. Monogamously, at least, and then if one person - with full knowledge and consent - looks for sex elsewhere, you can run into the issue where people tend to prioritize their sexual and romantic partners over non-sexual and/or non-romantic partners, which isnt inevitable but it does happen.
I think the difficulties are when sex is more foundational to one person than the other, but not at the two extremes. Because at the extremes theres not really anything to reconcile I think. But when its differingly important and theres a libido gap, thats when its like, this isnt insurmountable probably, but how do we surmount it? And I dont have a good answer. I think it would help to identify what the foundational pillars of your relationship are, and focus on those. Is it share faith, do you love jogging together every evening, do you play videogames together, are you both passionate about local wildlife, what was it that brought you together to begin with, what do you admire about each other, focus on that. I dont think it will solve the sex mismatch, I dont know what will, but I think it might help you feel connected and valued and in sync in other ways, so it doesnt become all about the sex. Like thats one thing that is a tension and a frustration but its not everything. If you focus on the things that are foundational to you, that might be enough, or at least helpful, in keeping you together. Obviously it might not work I dont know of any more that might be helpful. Just this foundational parts of a relationship v "extras" is not a common framework that Ive seen. Ofc every relationship is different. This also isnt unique to ace folks, any couple can have a libido mismatch, just because, or due to menopause, or antidepressants, or stress levels etc. I dont know whats recommended for those situations.
