That demand makes him pause. He puts actual effort into coming up with the answer. As if he were a student again. Like he could fall through time and space back to something familiar and comforting. But that brief bubble of comfort pops when the sarcasm hits.
Ichigo grinds his teeth. He could go back to ignoring them, ignoring her, but… that was worse. Lonely in a way he couldn’t intentionally tolerate.
He is feeling sorry for himself, but he doesn’t want it pointed out.
He scowls. “As long as they have a current, what does it matter what emotion it comes from? And if you don’t like my work, feel free to start looking for a replacement. I didn’t pick myself for this job.”
He narrows his eyes and looks her over. “I’ll take that to mean you don’t think you could do any better.” That’s definitely not what she meant. And he turns his head, gathering himself. He can’t be a kid. No matter how satisfying it is at any given moment to be an absolute shit of a person. He tries for something more even and quiet. “What should I be transmuting then? You can tell me what to feel, you can tell me to perk up because it could all be worse, but…” Even if he tried, he’s never had much success controlling his emotions.
And to prove it, his stomach twists at her question, asked so plainly and without emphasis. Like she wasn’t plucking at one of the most fundamental moments of his life with those delicate marionette arms. Hell, he doesn’t even talk about this. There’s no way he can explain what it meant to him.
For a long moment, he can’t actually speak, but he clears his throat, swallowing until he trusts his voice not to crack. “We saved my family.” He and Rukia. He’d had to sacrifice a part of his soul. Let it be altered forever. Or… maybe he’d just gotten a piece of his soul that’d been missing. Doesn’t matter. He’d barely had to think about it. He chews his tongue and then swallows again, feeling an unwelcome burn begin in the back of his throat. “Is this where you tell me life can’t exist without sacrifice?”
Except that’s not what she’s getting at. Not fucking at all. And he’s so nonplussed at being that far off the mark, he can only blink up at her owlishly. “Huh?” He stares then frowns. “Uh, I guess I was glad not to be naked. It would’ve been hard to fight if i was worried about getting my dick bitten off.” And… yeah. That’s about all the consideration he’d ever given it. It was weird, but not the strangest thing that had happened that night. “I–” He squints, but with less heat this time. “Thank… you…?”
Even for them, this is an odd conversation. He knows about her fabrics. She did dress him for war. And he gets that there’s far more to it than that, but, “Try to pretend that I’m human. If you’re getting at something, you should might just say it plainly before I remember that you could make me anything to wear, and I get this ugly getup.”
She gives a bark of laughter. “Of course you didn’t. But replacements are in short order, and it’s not that I don’t like it…but you have a very long time to ponder your current role in the universe.”
He may feel that the emotions he has now are good for his current role, but she knows better.
“I’m sure I could do it just as well or better, but I’m a poor candidate for the morality of a soul king. I have too much drive and desire and ambition. I could work in a pinch, but if it was permanent for me…I’d probably lead to the destruction of the universe that I want to protect.”
He asks a question but it’s not something she’s fully sure how to answer. “Well…you can still run it on heart.” This balancing is something that’s deep in her core.
“I may not be just like you, but I can feel around me, the ether of souls, threads everywhere, connecting. I created one of the first soul traffic monitors based on this principle. If there is no balance, there is suffering, and if there is suffering, it poisons more than the person who suffers.”
Shutara lives as lightly as she can—she knows that the best gift she can give is a way to guide one’s thoughts when so many depend on them.
She smiles at his words. “Yes—nobody likes to lose their dick to a hollow. I’m glad you found my own personal work to be user friendly and natural, like a second skin.”
He really is cheeky, but it’s easy to handle. “Well, those are rather one size fits all. But now that you’re the king…you can wear whatever you like. I can certainly create it.”
