I must say that I got your request a while ago, but I haven’t done anything with it. If I listen to what everyone else says, I should just delete it and act like it never happened and move on with my life once again. But there’s this part of me that keeps nagging me and telling me not to hit that deny button.
After I hadn’t heard from you in weeks after the Holiday’s, I was left with no other choice than to pick up the pieces of my life, my heart, my soul and start again. I went through one of the toughest and darkest times of my life getting over you and trying not to think that this was all somehow my fault in the end. That maybe if I had been smaller, stood straighter, had longer hair, darker hair, been more adventurous, or spoke Spanish, maybe you wouldn’t have moved to Puerto Rico and left me behind without a second glance. But it really wasn’t me, was it? It couldn’t possibly be. I was good to you. I loved you whole-heartedly. I put my faith, my heart, my everything into you. Into us. I told you things that I couldn’t bear to tell anyone because of the hurt and deep sorrow it brought me. In the end, it wasn’t enough. In the end, family won out (not that I can blame you), and I was tossed aside like yesterday’s trash. I wasn’t spoken to, wasn’t made to believe that there was anything left to fight for.
I couldn’t tell you how many times I had cried over you at night. How many times I would just sob and sob for hours because I had fought so hard from the beginning for something that wasn’t worth it in the end for you to even tell me goodbye. I couldn’t tell you how many times I prayed to God above and asked him to make you realize what you had done to me. I couldn’t tell you how many times I screamed for a peaceful ending so I no longer had to feel the stabbing pain in my chest and prayed that no one would see the true amount of my depression and angst.
It took me a long, hard month of getting over you; for me to finally see that I am beautiful, I am smart, I am caring to a fault, I am WORTH IT. You may have never thought so, but I am worth it. After that month, I had to delete every aspect of you from my life; your number, your things, anything that left any sort of a tie to you. I had to change my thoughts, my heart, and my happiness. I had made reconciliation with myself that I would never have any answers as to why it happened the way it did. I made reconciliation with the fact that I knew I would never hear from you again.
Imagine my surprise when I opened my Facebook and saw your request. I didn’t know what to do, I still don’t know what to do about that if I speak honestly. More importantly, I need to know why.  Why now? Why do you feel like now is the time to try to talk to me? Why over Facebook? I haven’t talked to you in months. I haven’t heard a peep from you in months. Why do you feel this need to make contact?
I thought I would just sit down and type what my feelings were and just save it for my own personal use, a sort of therapy, but I think you need to read this too, to know the pain and hell you put me through.