All The Things

[theshadowytiger]

I live for the way he holds his paws.

[rts-creative-radiation-blog]

Fear

Fear is an interesting idea. 

What do we fear? Why? What causes fear to be such a strong emotion?

Today there was a tornado near my town. The sirens were going off, I had received multiple sever weather alerts, every single information source was saying the same thing; take shelter in a basement or internal room with no windows. 

I took my doggo and headed to the basement to chill down there. I was fine. My best friend however, was not. She called me from her basement panicked and told me how she was shaking and terrified. 

Now nothing happened, the tornado never made it into the town. There is a lot of water everywhere, but minimal damage to people or property. But I am questioning which of us had a rational reaction to the danger. I had no fear, she was overcome by it. 

I put myself in the safest location I had access to, as did she. I know my thoughts were that it didn’t matter what happened. Shit happens, things get screwed up, you deal, put it back together and move on. Freaking out can’t change that. But is that really the best mindset to have. I felt no fear knowing that there was a tornado less than 10 miles away from my home, that everything I knew could be literally whisked away. I felt nothing.

I understand that her reaction was much more normalized than mine. But What did she fear? Why? What caused her fear response to be much higher than mine? 

Fear is odd. It is a concept that is hard to come to a complete understanding on.

Why do some people fear spiders while having no trouble jumping out of a plane with nothing more than a parachute? Why can some people take out every bug they see but are paralyzed with fear when thunder booms? 

It is not a concept I can grasp.  

[rts-creative-radiation-blog]

What happens after

What are you supposed to do when they’re gone?

When you can’t have a conversation with the person you told everything?

When you can’t see them?

When they can’t reply to you?

When you can’t reach out to the one you want the most?

When you forget for 2 seconds and go to tell your favorite person about something funny someone said and have to remind yourself they’re gone?

What are you supposed to do with this giant hole that’s looming all around you?

How do you deal? How do you handle it? 

What do you do when you don’t know what to do?

What happens after they’re gone?

[rts-creative-radiation-blog]

If you only look for beautiful things in pretty places you will miss all of the beauty hiding in the dark.

things I think about

[rts-creative-radiation-blog]

He’s blind

She sits there and tries to convince me that it’s all okay. 

She’s known for a long time that she doesn’t need flowers or fancy dates. She’s known for a long time that she won’t get them. And that is okay, but just once it’d be nice. 

She known for a while know that she doesn’t need a phone call everyday. She’s known for a while that she wont get one. And that’s okay. But it’d be nice to talk more than once a week.

She knows now that she doesn’t need to be told she’s beautiful. She knows it won’t happen. And that’s okay, but it’d be nice to hear.

She is learning now that love isn’t always enough. She’s learning that just because she loves him and he says he loves her doesn’t mean they will be together. And that’s okay, but it’s going to be short lived. 

She’s trying to tell me that she’s okay with this. She’s trying to convince herself that its all okay. And it’s not, but she wants it to be. 

I’m not going to allow him to make her this small and insignificant. She is amazing and he takes that for granted. 

This is not okay

[rts-creative-radiation-blog]

Working in a Hospital

Me: *knocks on pt. room door* Nutrition Services!

Patient: Come on it

Me: *opens door* Hi there! I have your supper, I just need you to tell me your name and birthday please.

Patient: *completely naked, zero signs of wanting to cover up* I have to urinate. I need you to take me to the bathroom.

[rts-creative-radiation-blog]

Understanding

I have come to realize that there are so many things in life that even the most empathetic person can never come to understand without experiencing it. 

You can understand that it is hard. You can understand that I need help. You can understand the theory. You can understand that I need space or company. You can understand that I dealt with a lot. You can understand that I am going through something. 

However, with all that understanding, you can not understand the feelings and thoughts that are going crazy in my brain. 

There is no fault in this; I would never wish for you to get it, I want you to have the oblivion if the alternative is you fighting the same demon. 

I remember a conversation with a friend where we both stated that didn’t understand how someone could take a razor to their skin. I get it now. 

I remember hearing about a kid that overdosed and not having any clue how someone could reach a point where they actively would seek out a way to stop living. I get it now. 

I remember not understanding how a person could accept continual mental pain and not seek help. I get it now.

I remember a conversation about where we established that addiction was something you should just decide to stop, I didn’t understand why someone would continue something they knew to be bad. I get it now. 

And oh how I wish I didn’t. 

I will never understand how my trans friend feels about the gender/sex difference. 

I will never understand how my best friend feels about marrying someone almost twice her age. 

I will never understand how my abused friend feels when a man raises his voice or his fist.

I will never understand how my friend feels about watching his father die before he was 5. 

I will never be able to understand. I can not get it. I have not experienced it. 

I can look at my super caring boyfriend and try to explain how f-ed up my brain was, and he can empathize, but he can not understand. And I am so glad. I would never want him to understand how horrible I felt. But he supports me. 

The best I can do for my friends is support them. The best you can do is listen, ask questions, empathize. But please do not pretend that you can understand something you have no way of understanding. 

[rts-creative-radiation-blog]

Breathe. Just breathe.

There is a moment when everything is going wrong. Everything hurts, physically, emotionally, in every way imaginable. Your best friend is occupied with everything going on in her life. Your partner isn’t talking to you at the moment for some unknown reason. Your parents haven’t been reliable in years. Work went poorly, Everything that can go wrong has went wrong with your day.

Breathe, this too shall pass. So far you have survived 100% of your bad days, you can make it through this one too. 

Breathe. Just breathe. You will be okay. Maybe you won’t be okay today, but you will get there. You will make yourself okay. 

I hate the whole “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade” thing. You don’t have to turn shit in to good things, in fact if you make your lemonade with only lemons, its gonna suck. Take your shit, deal with it, and put it away. Make your dreams out of the good days, not the leftovers of the bad days. 

Breathe. Breathe and move forward. You’ve got this. You can do it. I believe in you, and I believe in me. 

[rts-creative-radiation-blog]

Find Something

Find something to be passionate about.

Find something to love. 

Find something that makes you want to get out of bed in the morning.

Find something to dream about. 

Find something that you’d be willing to stay up until 2am to defend.

It can suck. You can suck at it. Maybe it’s something everyone else considers stupid, but maybe its amazing. 

Put some passion in your day

[rts-creative-radiation-blog]

Put your blending brush away

Days all blend together, days become weeks and suddenly it’s months later and you realize that nothing has changed. You do the same things, school, work, homework, eat, sleep, repeat. Occasionally you toss in an outing with your best friend, or a day trip to see you long distance partner. The days ebb and flow, everything churning and blurring into one hot mess.

No.

Everyday has something amazing, something special that makes it stand out from the rest. Something a coworker says or a patient does or a professor talks about.

Some days it’s something negative that stands out; your boss chews you out for something you didn’t do, the old guy you’re treating grabs onto your butt instead of your arm when you try to help him roll over, you failed the test you knew you were going to ace.

Life has ups and downs. Some days hold hours of laughing and kissing and snuggling and others hold a rainstorm of tears because its been 3 weeks since you’ve seen him. Some shifts start with the funniest patient who can’t stop cracking jokes, and some shifts start with that funny patient having terminal cancer.

You cannot simply live for the weekend, you deserve to look forward to more than 2/7ths of your life.. You find something special, good or bad, but memorable in every day. You don’t let them blend, you make your world rock, even if all the days look the same.

You are awesome.

[rts-creative-radiation-blog]

Breathe. Just breathe. In and out. I can do this. In and out. Take a step forward. Just one step. One step closer. In and out. One step. Good, now another. In and out. My feet trudge slowly towards the door. In and out. The automatic doors slide open and my feet keep plodding along, carrying me forward.  In and out.  There is no line at the desk. I stop a few inches away from the edge of the counter. In and out. "I... Can you help me?" I question the woman scratching away at a notepad behind the desk. In and out. Her hand drifts towards a stack of clipboards without looking up. "Fill this out and bring it back when your done. Your arrival time does not dictate your treatment order. Your arrival time is qualified as the time your paperwork is submitted." In and out. I stare at the paperwork she hands me in confusion. Name. Complaint. Billing address. In and out. "I'm not a.. I'm not seeking medical treatment." I stammer. In and out.  Her pen stops and she looks up. "What can I help you with? Are you looking for a patient?" In and out. "My boyfriend, fiance actually. He was brought in? They said there was an accident, I think." I realize I am digging at my fingers as I try to process what's going on.  In and out. "Name?" She probes. "Rickers. Jace Rickers. He's 23." My lip is trembling. Breathe. Just breathe. In and out.  Her long nails clack on the keyboard keys. The searching look on her face suddenly disappears, her eyes darken for a second before she re-instates the calm look every medical professional has mastered.  In and out. "Come with me please miss. I will take you somewhere to wait until one of his medical team members can speak with you." She says all this while making her way out from behind the desk. In and out. Oh god. He's dead. Why else would they take me somewhere private. He's not okay. He's not okay. I'm not okay. I watch her feet make there way towards a door, but am unable to move my own.  In and out. The feet travel back towards me and an arm circles around my shoulders. "Come on dear. It's not far, I've got you." Her voice is calming. Calming enough to make my feet move. In and out. I ghost alongside her, moving towards the door that pulls itself open, down a hallway, though another door and into a chair. A chair in a room full of chairs. A room to tell a family that their loved ones are dead.  In and out. "What's your name, hun?" She questions. In and out. "Elli." I mutter.  In and out. "Elli, someone will be in soon to talk to you." The woman is doing her best to assure me, she is trying to help. In and out.  I clear my throat. "I, ah... Is Jace dead?" I just manage to squeak the words out. In and out.  "Hun I don't have any information to give you. Someone will be in soon." She is losing her iron clad front. In and out. "It's just, he's supposed to be the rest of my life. He is my other half. Jace is my the better part of my yesterday and the best parts of my tomorrows. We've been planning and planning to get married. We are making a future. We can't be a we if there's no him," my voice catches as tears roll down my face. "I don't know how to do this if he's dead. I don't know to be me if I don't have him."  In and out. In and out.  I realize I am making a scene. I pull my self together and back into the chair. "I'm sorry." "You have nothing to apologize for, absolutely nothing. I'm going to go find someone to talk to you, okay?" She nods as she talks and I nod back. In and out. I'm 22. I should not be losing him now. We haven't even made it down the aisle yet. My thoughts spiral out of control. Is it too late to cancel the reservations? Or the cake? How do you un-plan a wedding? In and out. My spiraling thoughts are interrupted as a scrub clad man enters the room. "My name is Chad. I was Jace's nurse, I am here to talk to you about his condition and abou-- Elli are you okay?" His explanation trails off as he catches me whilst sliding off my chair. In and out. "Was. You said was. As in your'e not his nurse anymore. He's dead. Oh my god, he's gone, he can't be. I just can't--" my sentence is eclipsed by another wave of sobs.  In and out. "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Elli, Jace is not dead. He is being discharged. I was his nurse while he was being treated but he is no longer under my care because he is fine, he is going home. Elli, I am so sorry for the misunderstanding. Come here, let me help you up." The concern in his voice is so genuine, its almost hard to believe. In and out. "He's not dead?" My voice is a barley audible whisper. "I'm not losing him?"  In and out. "No, no, come on, I will take you to him and then you both can go home." He takes my arm and leads me out of the room, down a hall and into another room. When he opens the door I see Jace, perfect, whole, complete Jace sitting on a bed.  In and out. "Oh my god Jace I thought you were dead!" I race across the room and land in his open arms. "I thought I lost you, I need you to never do that again." I am crying again, pressing my face into his comforting chest. In and out. "Elli, I'm not going anywhere. I could never leave you. There is no way you could get out of our wedding that easily. I love you El." He is all I need to feel better. In and out.  In and out.

from a book I will never write

[letters-from-alex]

It’s okay to be a  forgiving person.  Just remember the difference  between saying,  “It’s okay,” and “I forgive you.” Because one means it’s okay to hurt me again, while the other means it’s not okay, but I’m okay.

how to forgive | Patreon | Instagram  (via letters-from-alex)

[rts-creative-radiation-blog]

Darkness was a beautiful thing. The kiss of a shadow. A caress as soft as moonlight.

Mary E. Pearson, The Beauty of Darkness

[rts-creative-radiation-blog]

"Once you stop being ruled by your heart and start actually listening to what your head is telling you, things will become clearer. There just should't be compromise at seventeen." "Love affairs at seventeen are about intensity, Charli, not longevity."

Saving Wishes, G.J. Walker-Smith