A Place to shut myself up

34. Trans woman. Recently re diagnosed with OCD, but this time with a much better understanding. Polyamory and Relationship OCD is a hell of a combination. Posting thru it here so I keep it off my main.

[murkymarco]

Caught myself spiraling and then remembered it's just my body not wanting to exist in these temperatures

[thatsbelievable]

[rox-and-prose]

the thing about living with mental illness for decades is that occasionally your brain will be like hey you're useless and should kill yourself and your only real reaction is cmon man right now im in the middle of something

[rubyloopsocd]

I hate this fucking disorder so much I'm so tired of this

I'm tired of caring that I know what my wife and her boyfriend are talking about and tired of caring that I'm not involved and I'm tired of the way it feels like my nerves are on fire even though I don't actually have any real worries or concerned

Why do I always need everything to be about me even as I also completely hate being centered in things and feel like I don't deserve it? Why does my brain want to be such a fucking problem to everyone including me? There is no reason whatsoever I need to know or care about the current conversation happening next to me. It's not my relationship. This is polyamory and I'm happy she's so happy.

If he hadn't been so fucking difficult so many times, if I hadn't seen him weaponize my needs to defend himself in a fight with my wife, maybe it would be easier. But it was already a problem before that, I was a problem before that, so fuck it. Fuck this stupid disorder. I want to be fucking fixed.

[rubyloopsocd]

Idk if I have ever felt more like fighting a person over something that isn't their fault than I do right now.

I can't say more without violating multiple people's privacy in very serious ways just.

How am I supposed to just chill? Idc how bad that person feels, and I know it's super unfair, I know I know but.

Bitch! Bitch bitch bitch! That's bitch stuff! I'm sorry I'm truly sorry for not having more empathy but how fucking dare you on top of everything else???

Maybe I'd feel more empathy if this person wasn't also on genuinely thin ice with my trust. Probably I should be more kind and empathetic.

I'll try. That's all I can do. I will try to get over it because I have to. But this changes everything about how I feel about my interactions with them going forward, and that's just where my priorities lie here and always will, with the person they hurt, not with them. Idc how unfair or how much they wish it wasn't the case. Suck it TF up. I don't care that's cruel. How dare you?

[tankycinna]

Post Hangout Feedback Form

Was I weird?

Are you sure?

What was the weirdest thing I did? Be as detailed as possible.

How could I be less weird in the future? Be as detailed as possible.

Do you have any complaints or feedback regarding my behavior? Be as detailed as possible.

Would you be open to hanging out again in the future?

Should I give you some space after this? If yes, for how long should I avoid you?

Was I weird?

Are you absolutely sure?

I'm sorry.

[fairycosmos]

hey idk how to articulate this part of being mentally ill but basically i feel like my life has been stolen from me in the most literal way and i can’t explain it without sounding like im making a million pathetic excuses

[rubyloopsocd]

What the fuck are you supposed to do when you know you're 10000000% in the wrong and everything is totally ok with everything happening right now except for you. What do you do when you're the problem and if you could break out of the spiral everything would be totally fine and everything would be happy, but you can't? Because I can't. I can't stop it. I'm too weak and stupid and selfish. All I know how to do is hurt myself. All of my strategies are failing right now and I feel like dying but if I could just be normal everything would be fine. I can't stop. My worst fears are going to come true and it's because I can't stop thinking about them, because I can't stop behaving this way. Because the voice in my head can only ever be mean to me and the people I love. Every time I beat it it comes back stronger. I feel sick. I want to stop feeling. I want to stop. Please. Please let me be ok please just let me stop this I have to be strong for her I have to be ok. I can't do this I'm too weak alone I'm too selfish and stupid to fix this I can't lose her please get this out of my head please I want to stop I know this is pushing her away and I don't want to and I can't stop I can't stop I can't stop please I want to stop

[rubyloopsocd]

I am going somewhere secure. That voice cannot follow me here. I lock the door, I have the key. If I'm going to be alone I'm going to be alone in my space, by my choice, where I am safe and protected. You cannot harm me here. You will never come in here, and neither will anyone else.

I will not spiral I will not let you beat or berate me. This is not your place. You do not have the power to get in here. I am alone and I have no one here to care for me, sure, but I am safe from you and safe from them and I will always be safe when I am here. Fuck you.

[rubyloopsocd]

Hey turns out it wasn't OCD, talked about it in therapy today and it turns out I really AM a dumb selfish child! Not how my wife or therapist would phrase it but it's true! This wasn't an intrusive thought at all like the rest of it, I am just ontologically selfish and self centered and manipulative and toxic and I should probably just fucking kill myself already!

[2colde]

they call me the endurer the way i endure and endure and endure and endure and well u get it

[louisegluckpdf]

they won't tell you this in therapy but sometimes the best way to stop catastrophizing/anxiety is to interrupt your spiraling with "girl what the hell are you talking about"

[ytpreviews]

It's not a cure but you have no idea how many times this image has helped me with my OCD

[blink-xyz]

On sonic images that help with mental health, this one genuinely helped me more than i would like to admit

[birdsareblooming]

this one has legit helped so much with my mental and physical disabilities. Do you know how often some bullshit happens and I sigh and say "but we move"

[rubyloopsocd]

Here's one of the weirdest things I've been navigating: I know OCD, and a lot of other conditions for that matter, make you convince yourself you're a bad person when you're not. I know that.

... But also I think I might be kind of a bad person? Like the OCD makes me think that but also, I think it would be true without those irrational justifications.

Because my desire to intrude into everything and insert myself into these situations at the cost of others' privacy is just not something I'd do if I weren't a bad person. Being completely serious. I don't think good people are hurt for weeks on end because [thing I'm redacting for privacy reasons] like, that's me being a child dude. That's me being disgustingly self centered and selfish and just truly awful to people who deserve a lot better than that.

And in an effort to try and be a good person I'm not acting on these things, but like. I'm having a multiple months long self esteem spiral, absolutely freaking out and making everyone around me have to put up with my constant anguish, because of something totally normal that any good person would have no trouble internalizing.

My OCD does not make me a morally bad person. I am a morally bad person independent of it.

[64mpg]

guy who has a mental health condition that comes and goes: i’m cured this time actually i can feel it

[64mpg]

same guy when they start having symptoms again: what the fuck is happening and why

[qcharlie]

i think being able to identify and deconstruct an irrational feeling should make it go away. i literally solved your riddle puzzle master can u let me OUT the damn TORTURE LABYRINTH

[rubyloopsocd]

I wish I had a working fucking BRRRAAAAIIINNN

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[rubyloopsocd]

Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up