What Are We Being Punished For?

[rudequotesofmagic]

Cordelia: Okay, Stirfry, get in there. I’m going to go distract Moira.

Tim: And as Stirfry’s about to go to the room he looks at Cordelia and goes:

Stirfry: Protect De Bonesby.

Cordelia: Oh, god damn it.

[rudequotesofmagic]

Junior: If cats could open doors, society would be structured different.

[rudequotesofmagic]

Draco: The name of the pig is Spilled Milk.

Cordelia: Oh! It told you its name?

Draco: No, we named it. How do you think pigs work?

[rudequotesofmagic]

Cheddar: You know, that’s what happens when you assume is, you fuck up.

[rudequotesofmagic]

Cheddar: Take a bite. Pretty good, right?

Cordelia: I really should’ve asked what the meat was before I ate a bite of that.

Cheddar: Oh, what kind of meat - do you have, like, dietary restrictions?

Cordelia: Well, I just, I don’t know, this seems bad.

Cheddar: Uh, yeah, that was somebody who committed the sin of avarice in life.

Cordelia: Oh.

Cheddar: That’s a fella you’re eatin’.

Cordelia: Okay.

Cheddar: ...okay, don’t have a problem with that. What would have made you spit it out?

[rudequotesofmagic]

Doo doo go in toilet, And so do little pee pee, And you will be the one who put both in it. *clap clap*

[rudequotesofmagic]

My name is Jerry Mentlegen and nothing in this world, Pisses me off near half as bad as when my diaper’s soiled, I wish that I was potty trained, ‘twould be my fondest joy, To be finally a comfortable boy, comfortable boy! To be finally a comfortable boy!

[rudequotesofmagic]

Bellow: Hey Pipsy?

Pipsy: What?

Bellow: I have a question.

Pipsy: Yeah?

Bellow: Is the Delighted Wife, like, the kind of place where, like, the, like, the employees are rude to the customers as like a thing and we’re all sorta in on the game?

Pipsy: No, I’m not supposed to do this. I could get in big trouble, but I don’t give a fuck!

Bellow: Okay, uh...

Pipsy: I ain’t got shit to prove! You think I do -

Branson: He pulls a knife out.

[rudequotesofmagic]

Albee: Can you - this is dangerous, I’m just gonna let you know, it seems really dangerous, but I’m wondering if you think you can sneak past a really scary lady behind that Employees Only door.

Stirfry: ............why?

[rudequotesofmagic]

Strong: THE SKEWETON’S GOT ‘IS CLOTHES ON. EVERYBODY, A BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR MR. SKEWETON.

[rudequotesofmagic]

Kid 1: That guy’s a skellington!

[collective gasp]

Man: Show us your bones.

Branson: Oh yeah, you’re losing the crowd. They’re getting weird.

Kid 2: Hey, I want to see where’s the eyes are! How come there no eyes in them sockets, eh?

Kid 1: I want to see -

Daddy: Yeah, me kid wants to see eyes!

Kid 1: Daddy, I want to see his penis!

Daddy: Ee- th - uh... let’s go, actually, I’m gonna take you home.

Kid 2: Daddy, what’s a penis?

Daddy: Now, did you two actually - I’m taking you two -

Kid 2: I know what eyes are, but what’s a penis?

Daddy: You should know what - you’re like seven.

Kid 1: I saw - I saw a penis once -

Daddy: ALL RIGHT, GOODBYE, WE’RE GOING.

Kid 2: How come Bipsy gets to know what a penis is, and I don’t get to know?

Daddy: NO, GOODBYE.

Branson: The door slams and this kid is, uh, dead.

[rudequotesofmagic]

Senator: You only eat plants?

Albee: Yeah.

Senator: Now, we got eggs on the plate, and as far as I can tell an egg is a plant.

Albee: Okay.

Senator: What is an egg but a seed? And where do plants come from? Why, they come from seeds. Problem solved. Eat your eggs.

[rudequotesofmagic]

Bellow: You can hang out with me, little dude.

Pipsy: No, I don’t like you!

Bellow: Why?

Pipsy: I don’t know. You got a way about you.

[rudequotesofmagic]

Moira: I will undo these stitches right now and show you my beating wooden heart.

Albee: That’s okay.

Bellow: Um, yeah, we’re good.

Moira: You’re good?

Bellow: Yeah.

Moira: That’s what I thought. That’s what they all say.

Cordelia: I kinda wanna see it.

Moira: You do?

Cordelia: Well...

Moira: You’re okay, actually, I like you.

Cordelia: Thanks!

[rudequotesofmagic]

Bellow: Hey I have a question.

Moira: What?

Bellow: What was your name before you killed a thousand people?

Moira: Moira Nine-Hundred Ninety Nine, asshole. You want to make it Moira Thousand-and-One?

[rudequotesofmagic]

Bellow: Are you Moira?

Moira: Excuse me?

Bellow: Are you Moira?

Moira: Who are you?

Bellow: I’m Bellow.

Moira: Am I supposed to know that?

Bellow: No.

Moira: Oh.

[rudequotesofmagic]

Albee: My parents could be right behind this door! You can get your coffee, but I’m going in!

Cordelia: No, I’m coming in with you.

Albee: ...okayyou’reagoodfriend.