Rookanis Week Day Two: Open Doors/Cages
“You’ve brought nothing but trouble ever since you came back.”
“I’m going to be here a while. You should…just go.”
One step. The conversation repeats. Another. She sees the justified betrayal in Neve’s eyes. Davrin is saying something to her as they pass through the Eluvian, but nothing is getting past her ears. She wishes she could bring herself to. Even if she could take in what was being said, she’s not sure her lips would let the words form.
The moment they step into the familiar setting of the lighthouse, Rosaline is gone. She is marching her way out of the Eluvian hall, past her teammates, all the way to the balcony off the dining room. As far as she can get from the sympathetic eyes of her teammates and Varric’s speeches. She can’t hear him console her with the fact that ‘leading requires decisions and sacrifices, kid.’ She needs air.
The moment she reaches the railing, she is on her knees, clinging to the bars as she begins to heave. What little food that was in her stomach is coursing back up and falling into the chasm of the fade below. She digs the heel of her palm into her chest. Her heart is beating far too fast. She can’t breathe.
Minrathous. Dock Town. The Shadow Dragons. Her home. Covered in blight and flames. Venatori at the helm. How many friends, comrades, families–gone? Not only dead and injured, but people who may not look her in the eye again, after making her choice?
And The Viper—Asher. Her vision is blurring, though she’s unsure if it’s from the tears or her body giving up on her. Asher gave her a chance when no one else did, he gave her a purpose, a friend. He looked past the elven brat with family issues and saw potential. In return, she gave him a slow and painful death.
Blighted. Gods. If she had been there, maybe she could have saved him.
She doesn’t regret helping Treviso. The blight that would have taken the canals, the civilians that would have died, she does not regret saving them. The Shadows are–were, better equipped to handle something like this.
A sob tears through her sternum. Excuses. Her home is destroyed. And she is supposed to go back to the team, and what? Tell them to keep up the good fight? Swallow the shame and keep going?
She loses track of how long she is out there. Eventually, she runs out of tears to shed and staggers to her feet, fighting herself to regain her composure. She needs to get the team around the table to plan their next steps. This can’t happen again.
“Reach out to our contacts, we need all the help we can get. Be ready to have feet on the ground first thing in the morning.” She hesitates. “Good job, team. For doing what we could.”
The group disperses, except for one. “Rook?”
Rosaline looks up to see Lucanis still lingering by the fireplace, looking right back at her. “Lucanis. What can I do for you?”
Lucanis is a bit taken aback. “Nothing. You don’t need to do anything. You’ve done so much. I just–I wanted to…Meirda, I don’t know what I wanted to say.”
Rosaline is in the same boat. She doesn’t know if she can handle saying much of anything. “How is Treviso?”
“Damage was done. But we will rebuild. Viago and Teia send their deepest gratitude, many houses do.”
Why does that only make Rosaline feel worse? She nods and turns her gaze back to the fire, watching the popping embers.
“Rook…I can never repay what you have done for Treviso. If you were not there, I cannot bear to imagine how it would have transpired. I know it was not an easy choice, and whatever Minrathous needs, the crows will supply.”
This is doing nothing for Rosaline’s plan to keep composure. She takes a deep breath. “I’m glad we had some wins today. There’s a lot of work to be done, especially in Minrathous.”
He looks as if he wants to reach out. She doesn’t know whether it’s her demeanor or Spite that keeps him from doing so. “I know this is a heavy weight on your shoulders as well. If you need anything, if you need anything from me, I’m here.”
She almost wishes she could hate him. It would make everything she is feeling so much easier. She can’t hate him. If anything, she hates the part of her that fears she let her feelings influence her decision.
She knows that isn’t true. She would never let something as trivial as…however she feels about him, influence the choice of whether or not to save her home, when so many lives are on the line. That doesn’t stop the fear from whispering inside her nonetheless.
She can’t have this. She can’t have him. Not when so many people she loved are dead, and their blood will never wash off of her hands. She straightens her spine and looks Lucanis in the eye. “I will be okay. We’re going to Minrathous tomorrow morning. Be ready.”
She has to stay focused. Until these ‘gods’ who toy with the lives of innocent people are rotting in whatever cesspit they deserve. She can’t think of anything but supporting her allies, and bringing the gods down.
It feels as if Lucanis reads her like a book in the next few silent seconds, before he nods. “Of course. Good night, Rook. You did well, remember that.”
She pushes down the ache that pulls at her as he walks out of the room and focuses on the resolve that burrows in her chest. This cannot happen again. She will not allow it to. Even if that means caging her feelings away.
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