Ruined Dove

Owned in full by Dovesdragon.

[skeezd]

[ruinedove]

I am seriously contemplating changing my given name. I am named after my father and I hate that. He dislikes me, I dislike him… It’s stupid and I don’t want to bear his name.

Years ago I had this fantasy that a man would own me and in doing so would strip me of my name and give me a new one. He would name me and I would put my former life behind me and fulfill that new name.

Like everything else in my life now, I must do it myself. It sounds odd to anyone who is not fundamentally slave- but it’s deeply depressing to have to choose my own new name. I suppose in a way it is a right of passage into this new life where I am independent and strong and non-submissive.

I think soon this diary will be finished.

[ruinedove]

He stripped me of my name and gave me a new one. He named me and I put my former life behind me and now I am fulfilling that new name

as his slave bearing his child living this life with him

[ruinedove]

“I don’t want anyone else to have you.”

I dream, I wish, just once in my life a man would say this to me.

But every man in my life passes me on to someone else. No one ever wants to keep me.

[ruinedove]

i’m not very good at gradients; i tend to give all of myself or nothing at all. i don’t know how to be a slave and withhold a little bit of myself at the same time. So i’ve felt that i need complete trust in my owner to surrender completely.

But now i wonder if that is unrealistic. He is human; he is apt to make mistakes and to be flawed. So my question is, is safety in complete surrender an impossibility?

And if it is impossible to feel/be entirely safe, then how does a slave protect themselves from the inevitability of deep emotional pain, fear and possible damage?

[ruinedove]

Now I know that the answer to this question is: no.

[ruinedove]

I’m debating on deleting this blog altogether.

I don’t believe I will ever be a slave again.

When I look at my tattoo now, I’m sad but I’m not sorry. Deep down I will always be a slave. And it has always been a deeply significant part of who I am; who I was.

But unless a miracle happens, I will never be owned again.

[ruinedove]

MIRACLES.

FUCKING.

HAPPEN.

[ruinedove]

I'm always gravitating toward an Alpha.

ALWAYS.

[ruinedove]

There is nothing sexier than a Predator protecting you from other Predators.

[submissivebluebird]

No one…

Should underestimate the power of kneeling for the one You serve. Even when you are apart.

[ruinedove]

He forced me to kneel naked and listen to rain-white noise for a few minutes to quiet my mind and bring me back to the right headspace.

Then he ordered me to crawl to him in the bedroom and suck him off. He fucked my face and then ordered me to touch myself as he grabbed the metal hook and pushed it up into my ass. He made me suck him off with the hook up in me and a rope on the end of it in his hand. He fucked my hole with it while I touched myself and sucked his cock. I begged him to let me ride him with his dick in my ass. He slapped me repeatedly and told me to keep begging. Then he lay back and commanded that I mount him. He released the hook and it fell out of me as I crawled toward him. His cock shoved up into my ass and he forced me to touch myself like that, on top of him. He told me what a whore I am and ordered me to come on his dick. I don’t think I’ve ever felt anything like that in my life. I screamed so loud that my throat hurt afterward. Then he pushed me over onto my hands and knees and he fucked my ass wantonly while he gripped my hair and pulled it back. Finally he came, pushing hard up into me. I could feel the pulse of his cock in me as it pumped until it emptied far up my ass.

I love him. He fucks me and beats me and abuses me and sets me free.

[sillysexystupid-deactivated2020]

I want to make you feel violent. I want you to want to ruin me. To feel the urge hurt me every time you look at me. I want to hear the need to destroy me in your voice. See the desire to break me in your eyes. I need the aggression to feel wanted.

[kabrinakitty-deactivated2026052]

[ruinedove]

I miss it so so much.

[ruinedove]

Encircled in his heavy arms and inhaling his exhale

this is the life worth living

[ruinedove]

I can get up in the middle of the night and wander around and do things and he doesn’t even know.

[avaxallen]

Wanting to be monogamous does not make you “insecure”.

Not wanting your spouse to fall in love with someone else does not make you “insecure”.

Being monogamous doesn’t make me loved any less than anyone else is. Every second of my life is overflowing with love. I don’t need his presence or interaction to have his love.

I respect polyamory, but don’t disrespect monogamy. It’s not about “insecurity”, and I shouldn’t have to justify my desired relationship/family structure to anyone.

Bashing someone else’s lifestyle to feel better about your own is insecure. The most secure and respectable polyamorous individuals understand the pros and cons of both lifestyles and understand that neither works best for everyone.

[uglypnis]

“Do you think the universe fights for souls to be together? Some things are too strange and strong to be coincidences.”

— Emery Allen

[ruinedove]

I need my Dragan.

[ruinedove]

When I have enough sleep, I feel mostly like myself. I’ve had so many thoughts this last month but no time to write them.

I can feel the enslavement that having his child has brought me. It’s very subtle and very different. It’s very hard to take sometimes. It’s hard to remember why I am doing this because the context is rarely clear.

Still, I remember sometimes. It’s not the life I intended or envisioned for myself. But then, as a slave, it’s not my place to intend or envision anything for myself. I am to be only what *he* intends or envisions, however imprecise it may be for me.