The harder I fight, the deeper I fall..

daydreamer since 1997 || BATANGAS

[tagapagsulat]

Damang-dama ko ang pag-iisa kahit pa napapalibutan ako ng madla.

[ruinedwhat-ifs]

Daniel Allan,

I just wanted to take this time to tell everyone how much I... (this may sound too cheesy so please forgive me) love you and appreciate you. You are such an amazing person and I think everyone should see that. I've never been much of an affectionate person. You know that, right? I'm awful when it comes to showing people that I care. I never fancy the idea of sweet gestures and showing emotions but you changed that. Not because you wanted me to, but because I, myself wanted to. I wanted to show you how much it's possible to love someone so much that every fight and fall makes you want to love them even more. Have you ever encountered the feeling of wanting to steal someone from the world? That's what I feel for you. Having you makes me know that I've done something really good to deserve someone like you in my life. Please don't ever forget how special you are to me, okay? And baby, I just want to say thank you. For your never ending patience whenever I'm having my moodswings and every time I get mad. For not getting tired of me and my crazy attitude. For making me feel like a princess everyday and for spoiling me with your sweet long messages every morning. For being consistent since day one up to now. For staying by my side all throughout. And for never giving up. ☺️ 367 days together yet I still feel the exact same way I did a year ago when you first told me how much you like me. I thank God for you everyday baby. I love you so much. ❤️

[ruinedwhat-ifs]

Do you ever get in an “I don’t know” phase in your life where you literally don’t have a solid answer to anything? You. Just. Don’t. Know. Feeling ko kasi lately, parang ughhhhh napapagod na akong sumagot ng paulit ulit na “ewan.” “hindi ko alam.” or “ewan, hindi ko pa alam.” Nakakainis nga eh. Parang palagi na lang akong undecided pagdating sa mga bagay na mahahalaga. I am talking about my work and travel internship. (baka kasi isipin niyo na nag ra-rant ako tungkol sa lovelife ko. All is well, wala kaming problema ni d.a. nagtatampo lang ako sa kanya ngayon. hahaha) So, okay. about dun sa work and travel program sa U.S. sa totoo lang, gusto ko. gusto ko talaga. Pero parang negative talaga. Ayaw ng parents ko eh. Hindi daw kasi basta basta na yung hahayaan nila ako doon sa America ng tatlong buwan na hindi ko kasama ang mama ko. Eh ako pa naman, napaka dependent kong tao. Asa na lang ako palagi sa mama ko. Alam nyo ba, noong aalis ako noon para sa 15 days na internship ko sa Boracay, nag-iyakan pa kami ng mama ko doon sa port kasi first time kong mahihiwalay sa kanya ng as in ganon katagal tapos walang uwian tapos ang layo layo pa. Imagine, boracay lang yun what more pa sa America? Eh 3 months yun. Kaya ko ba daw? Lagi kong sinasagot na Oo, kaya ko naman. pero kunwari lang yun. hindi ko rin yata kaya. Tapos isa pa, nahihiya ako sa daddy ko. Para kasing hindi practical na gagastos kame ng ganon kalaki para lang sa internship na yun. Para bang ayaw ko rin kasi sa akin na lang mapupunta lahat. Paano naman yung kapatid ko? At tsaka, paano yung ibang mahahalagang bagay na mas kelangan paglaanan ng pera. Internship lang naman yun. Ang advantage lang, yun nga, experience sa US, kasama ang mga kaklase at iba pang makikilala doon. Pwede naman dito sa manila. Sa airline pa. Samantalang doon, waiter na naman, o kaya sa front office tatayo na naman ng ilang oras. Eh nagawa naman na namin yun nung last na internship. Pero waaaaahhhhh :((((( U.S.A yun. :(((( Nalulungkot ako na ewan tuwing nakikita ko yung mga classmates ko na all set na talaga sila. Kumbaga, sigurado na sila na tutuloy sila. Inaayos na lang nila yung mga kelangan ayusin. Samantalang ako, eto wala pa rin akong ginagawa. Wala pa rin akong sariling desisyon. Nag uusap naman kami ng mama ko about dito. Palagi niyang sinasabi na kailangan ko muna daw mag-mature. Like duhh hindi pa rin ba talaga ako mature? Eh sa totoo lang sobrang laki na nga ng improvement ko compared last year. Tapos hindi pa rin ako mature? Paano pa bang pag mamature ang kailangan kong gawin? Oh tulad nyan, nagrereklamo ako. Hindi pa rin talaga mature. Hahahahaha. Pero seryoso, feeling ko naman nag-mature na ako ng uhmmmm... 60%? at tsaka deserve ko naman siguro yung work & travel na yun kasi behave naman ako palagi at tsaka sinusunod ko naman ang mama ko. Nag aaral naman ako ng mabuti. DL nga ako last sem. Oh diga. Tsaka hindi naman matigas ang ulo ko. Pwera na lang kapag inaaway ko ang kapatid ko. Pero sa totoo lang, napaka-bait kong anak. Proud nga ako sa pagiging goodgirl ko eh. hahaha pero parang hindi pa rin naman nila na-aappreciate.Haaaaaaaayyyy mommy, kung alam mo lang kung gaano ako nag-iigi sa pag aaral para makabawi na ako sa inyo. Gustong gusto ko na talaga makuha ang diploma ko eh at lumipad na sa malayo at magtrabaho na. Gusto ko nang may masabi na ako sarili ko. Yung hindi na ako naka depende sa mga tao sa paligid ko. Yung nasa akin na palagi ang desisyon, wala na sa kanila. Yung akong ako na talaga lahat. Konting tiis na lang. Dalawang taon na lang. Malapit naaaa. Pero sa ngayon, kelangan ko na lang siguro magfocus sa pag aaral. Buburahin ko na muna yang US na yan. marami pa namang pagkakataon para diyan. Hahayaan ko na lang muna siguro na ganito. Si God na lang muna ang bahala. Alam ko naman kasi na hindi niya ako papabayaan at may plano siya para sa akin eh. Sige na, ganito na lang muna. Gumaan naman kahit papaano ang loob ko kasi nabuhos ko lahat dito ang mga iniisip ko. Haaaayyy sobrang sarap talaga sa feeling kapag naiilabas mo yung mabigat na pakiramdam. 

[ruinedwhat-ifs]

and then I met you.

Months ago, I was completely devastated with how my life was going. I was in the middle of an ocean full of doubts, regrets, imperfections and loneliness.I am fully disconsolate to the extent that I had thought about giving up. And then you came along. You held my hand and suddenly I learned how to swim. Do you still remember that night? That night when you just popped out from my chatbox telling me some weird stuff. You and I didn’t really have that romantic, work of fate kind of start. We are complete strangers who just talked to each other. You asked me if we can be friends (although you messaged me several times before, talking about some nonsense things) and I guess that night was a pretty good timing, so I said yes. You began telling me your stories. And I began sharing mine. We are both lonely human beings at that time. It was funny because I remember how emotional we are back then. (Ewww, sobrang drama natin talaga noon, seryoso.) I don’t know why I find comfort in sharing my stories to you. We don’t really talked that often before but you didn’t stopped messaging me. Asking me how my day went, and me asking yours. Just casual talks. And as days passed, we became friends. I mean, very close friends. I remember that November night when you told me that you saw me at the cemetery for the first time. We’re a few steps away from each other but you’re too shy to call my attention. It was a night before I’ll move to Makati for my internship. We became far from each other but we remain in touch. I will never forget the very first time you told me I’m beautiful. It was way back December when you saw me at the supermarket for the 2nd time but refused to call me again because you’re still too shy. “Napaka-ganda mo PJ. true filipina beauty.” I was walking with my friends and then I tripped on the ground when I saw that. I hate you! But I will admit, that moment gives me shiver. You’ve never done that before. You never called me beautiful. Ever. All you ever did is tease me like most of the time and then I asked you why, Why are you always teasing me? you replied, “It’s because you are too good for compliments already.” hihihihihihi.... =)) Christmas came and we both look like trash because we’re too lazy to take a bath. We just talked on messenger the whole day. I guess that was our loneliest Christmas Day, because we got used to spending Christmas day with our ex’s before. lollll. and then my Birthday came. I am really not expecting anything from you because we’re just, you know. We are just friends. Close friends. Not anything more. I was surprised when Yya gave me a box of iPhone with ribbon on my debut. (it was just a box people. no iphone inside. hahaha)  I asked her who gave it and she said it’s from you. Whoaaa there. You are really a good friend. 

Something unexpected happened that day right after my debut last January. You know already what I’m talking about right? And I am glad, I am really glad we’re still friends. You have always been there for me when something heavy is bearing down my chest. And we talked again. But not about our pasts anymore. It’s more on ourselves, our plans, our dreams, something like that. We are quite having the progress of becoming more than just friends and then something happened again. Boracay happened. Hahahaha you know what I mean. I know that things didn't go according to plan when I came home from Boracay. But we’re still friends. I don’t know how to cut the story of us being “friends” But something unexpected happened again one night in March. The “honesty hour”. I cannot describe the exact feeling but everything we shared on that moment, was something very, very special. And I guess... That was the time, that was the time when I finally stopped picturing us being ‘just friends.’ I am glad to have encapsulated this moment because it was when I first fell in love with you. It’s 2am and I cannot defy all the thoughts that has been boggling in my mind. Have I told you before that I only write when I am sad? I guess I’ve broken my rule for you. Here I am, writing about how amazing you are. You made me believe that even just for a moment, I didn’t have to face the world alone. You made me feel sheltered and I cannot thank you enough for that. There was once a time that I stopped believing in love.

and then I met you.

[c0caine--kiss3s]

If he doesn’t look at you like you’re the most magnificent piece of art he’s ever laid eyes on, he’s not the one.

Ways to tell if he’s not the one. (via soulsscrawl)

[dramamoputangina-deactivated201]

Isang araw, malalaman mo na lang na hindi ka na nasasaktan, na wala na yung sakit, na hindi ka na malungkot, na hindi mo na ramdam ang mag isa. At sa panahong iyon, malalaman mo kung gaano kasaya ang buhay; mabuhay. 

[simply-quotes-deactivated202002]

I was still a little amazed that this was happening. That this, the thing that had seemed so impossible, so terrifying, so utterly beyond me, was happening. I was having fun. And I was the one who made it happen.

Morgan Matson, Since You’ve Been Gone (via simply-quotes)

[violentwavesofemotion-deactivat]

She was in love. There was no turning back.

Jackie Kay, from Darling: New & Selected Poems (via violentwavesofemotion)

[ruinedwhat-ifs]

"Oo may mga nakausap ako. Pero dumating ga sa point na nafall ako? Hindi. Hinding hindi. Kasi hindi ko kaya. Tinanong ko kay amielle kung kamusta ka. Sabi nya masaya ka na daw. Edi siguro nag momove on ka na kaya pinilit kong mag move on na rin. Pero wala hindi ko magawa. Tanungin mo ako kung masaya ako sasabihin ko oo pero sa loob loob hindi. Pilit kong sinasabi sa kanila na ayaw ko na sayo pero hindi totoo yun. Panay man ang mga post ko na tungkol kung kanino, wala walang kwenta yun. Pinanindigan ko ang always natin. Tinataasan ko na lang siguro ang pride ko kaya hindi ko magawang sabihin ang totoo. Gusto mo gang sumaya? Eto prangkahan na. Ikaw pa rin naman e. Ikaw at ikaw lang. Walang makahigit sayo. Nagka crush ako sasabihin ko sayo. Pero wala hanggang dun na lang yun. Di ko rin maituloy e. Kasi di ko kaya. Ikaw lang talaga. Pero yung malalaman kong nafall ka sa iba? Masakit. Sasabihin mong always tas mafafall ka sa iba? Oo nga di mo pinagbigyan. Pero di yon ang point e. Ang point e nafall ka sa iba." -RG

[ruinedwhat-ifs]

hindi pa ako handa.

[themostawesomebitch]

I’m still hoping it’s you and me in the end.

10-Word Story #26 (N.A.)

[ruinedwhat-ifs]

so biglang may tumawag na unknown number na naman. kutob ko na siya lang ulit yun. tapos nung sinagot ko, siya nga. me: hello? siya: hello m: oh? s: kumain ka na? m: oo s: nasan ka? m: bahay s: anong ginagawa mo? m: wala s: ah sige... tinanong ko lang kung kumain ka na. damn. tumigil ka na please. nahihirapan lang ako eh.... tama na please? give up ka na.

[ruinedwhat-ifs]

I can't anymore... I'm sorry.

that guy who wasted four months of his life chasing me, I’m sorry. I know somewhere between the lines, some things are real. you’re real. What you have said, what you have shown, what you have given, they’re real. But what would I do if my mind keeps telling me that I should stop trusting people and their words because in the end, I might be the one hurting. and I’m sorry if I lack on showing that I do care. Truth is, I care. A lot. I wonder what you’re doing if you’re not around, I wonder where the hell are you whenever you’re saying that you’ll just go somewhere and you’ll be right back. I never asked. But it bothers me. I know that it’s tough for you to be the only one trying. I ignore you most of the time and you didn’t give up. Sorry if I’m always mean to you and I don’t appreciate the little things. The things you do to make me smile… the super cute yet annoying selfies that you’re sending me and you bragging about how handsome you are, hahahaha they got me. the phone calls that I always decline but you never stop ‘til I answer then all you’d say is good night. you’re crazy. The super sweet goodmorning messages, our skype ‘til midnight moments. And you singing to me every night which I will defintely miss… aaaahh if you only knew what your voice does to me. :’) Your sense of humor and you. Just you. You’ve been there for me when I needed someone to cheer me up, to make me smile when I don’t know how to anymore. I’ve lost my guy bestfriend, I’ve lost trick, my closest uncle. and I have lost the love of my life. Wow it’s like I’ve been triple killed. And then you came. Thank you so much. You’ve always saved me but right now I don’t know if I want to be saved and it’s not your fault at all. It’s mine. Right now, I’ve found some things about you that will make me not to want you anymore. And then these trust issues came crashing back. Just when I thought that I was ready to risk another chance, this thing happened. I want to believe you but at the same time, I can’t. I just hate it when someone lies to me or doesn’t tell me the entire truth. That’s how you lose my trust. That’s how you lose me. I wanted to believe that you mean everything you say but I always have these ‘buts’. I can’t trust you. I can’t trust people like you. And its better for me to just ignore you. I’m sorry if I always end up pushing you away. I’m just saving you and I’m just saving myself. We’re better off like this. I deserve one. You deserve one. Maybe fate will lead us back, or maybe not. Always remember that I am really grateful to have someone like you in my life. And please don’t hate me for leaving you like this. Someday, you’ll understand. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

[ruinedwhat-ifs]

Do you miss the way the world was spinning for us?

[esssence]

A year ago we stayed up till 3 am talking And today I don’t know how to even say hey

(via lulionheart)

[extrasad]

[new text message/ 3:16 am] I just drove 16 hours. I need to see you. [new text message/ 2:09 am] I’m drunk and I know I told you I didn’t want this anymore. But I want it. I want you. I’m sorry. [new text message/ 12:13 pm] Maybe if I could kiss you one more time everything would be alright. [new text message/ 8:07 am] Fuck. I shouldn’t have let you go. [new text message/ 4:02 am] Are you up? I miss you. [new text message/ 4:05 am] A lot. [new text message/ 5:16 pm] I saw something that reminded me of you and my throat caught fire. [new text message/ 12:22 am] I wish you were here. [new text message/ 3:17 am] I need you. Please call me back.

9 texts I wish you’d send me even though I know I’ll probably never hear from you again (via extrasad)

[ruinedwhat-ifs]

May rason siguro kung bakit biglang bumaligtad ang mundo ko. Gumewang eh, nag crack ba. na dislocate ewan. Basta, gumulo. simula nung nawala siya sobrang hirap na hirap ako. Halos gabi gabi akong umiiyak. Literal. Mamamatay ako sa kakaisip kung bakit ba parang bigla na lang siyang nawala sa buhay ko. Yun bang ni hindi man lang siya lumaban kahit konti. Walang araw na hindi ko tinangkang kausapin siya. Gustong gusto kong magtanong, magalit, umiyak, magalit, magtanong ulit, magalit ulit. Basta. walang wala na kasi ako nun e. Wala akong ma-panghawakan na kahit na ano. Ni hindi ko alam kung may pakialam pa ba siya o wala na. Parang from “mahal na mahal ka niya” to “sino ‘to? nagkakilala na ba kami dati?” as in ganun. Putol lahat. Lahat. Literal. LAHAT. at kinaya ko yun mag isa ng ilang araw, linggo at buwan. linunod ko lang ang sarili ko sa lungkot. sa kakaiyak. sa walang katapusang pagsisisi. Kung may isang bagay man akong pinaka pinagsisisihan sa buong buhay ko, yun ay ang bitawan siya kahit na kaya ko pa namang lumaban. Hinang hina na kasi ako noon eh. Sobrang gulo. at sobra na ring hirap. Hindi na kami magkasundo madalas. At ako naman tong hindi nag iisip at nakipag hiwalay agad. Akala ko kasi lalaban. Akala ko kasi mas ipaparamdam na hindi niya ako kayang mawala. Tanginang akala yan. Lumipas ang mga araw, wala pa rin akong pag usad. may mga dumarating, pero alam mo yun, natatakot ka na. Yung hindi mo na magawang maniwala agad. Para bang sarado na ulit yung pinto ng puso mo kasi baka kapag binuksan mo na naman ulit eh masaktan ka na naman.

Pero hindi pa huli ang lahat. At yun ang narealize ko lately. Na bakit naman nga ako aasa pa sa isang bagay na kung talagang may pag asa namang maayos eh dapat noon pa. Na bakit nga ba ako magpapaka-lungkot eh napakaraming rason naman para maging masaya. Marami naman akong kaibigan, kumpleto naman ang pamilya ko. Buong buo na ako nun. At bakit bakit bakit ulit ko naman pipigilan ang sarili ko na bigyan ng chance ang mga taong handa naman akong mapa saya. Dahil ba baka isipin niya eh may iba na agad? Dahil ba na baka sabihin niya na ang landi ko naman? ‘yan kasi palagi ang barrier eh kaya ayoko pa. Kasi sa lahat ng gagawin ko, kino-consider ko lagi kung anong sasabihin nya, kung anong mararamdaman nya. After all, I still care a lot for his feelings. Kaya sobrang careful ako sa mga actions ko kase alam ko na somewhere between that thin line, eh he still checks on me. At ayokong makita niya na my world stops spinning just because he’s not with me anymore. Kaya ayun, I go on with my life without doing such stupid things na alam kong ikakagalit niya. Itinuloy ko pa rin ang pagiging good girl ko. Nanamit pa rin ako ng maayos, pants not shorts. Hindi ako uminom kahit isang tikim lang simula nung naghiwalay kami. Nung may summer classes ako school-bahay ako araw-araw. Basta ganun. Tapos parang sobrang unfair naman kasi ganun ang ginagawa ko samantalang siya, He just do whatever he wants. Without even thinking kung anong mararamdaman ko. At napaka tanga ko ng tao kung ipagpapatuloy ko pa yung ganoong routine. Tama na nga siguro. I did my part. Kung di pa rin sapat, wala nang magagawa. Hanggang dun na lang siguro talaga.

I really do hope he’s happy. wala akong hinangad na kahit anong makakasama sa kanya. Hindi ako galit. Hindi ko kayang magalit. Sana lang maging okay siya at sana kapag nahanap na niya ang babaeng para sa kanya eh hindi siya saktan. Haaaayyy renz, it burns my heart just thinking about you loving someone else. Someone else who isn’t me. Pero kailangang tanggapin at wag kang mag alala, tanggap ko naman na. Natanggap ko na lahat. Okay na ako. You go on with your life, I go on with mine. Siguro nga this is how it’s gotta be. We’re better off this way. Anddddd one last thing, There’s no love like ours. There will never be. Sana lang hindi mo makalimutan lahat ng napagsamahan natin. Yung mga masasaya, malulungkot, masasaya at masasaya ulit. Of course may darating. at may bago kang mamahalin. Pero sinasabi ko sa’yo, it’ll never be the same. Wala lang. sinasabi ko lang. Take care of yourself weirdo. Goodbye for good.