Runeterra Times

The only newspaper you ever need! Runeterra Times is dedicated to bringing you the hottest news in and out of Valoran. Political coverage, celebrity gossip, fashion talk - we've got it all! Subscribe NOW for your daily updates on Runeterran affairs!

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I'm literally drinking coffee and reading this instead of an actual newspaper.

Teemo has excellent choice in reading material.

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VASTAYAN-SHADOW ISLES ALLIANCE?!

Kalista, the most honorable and implacable of the Shadow Isles denizens, has started to seek out vastayans to bond with! Kalista is well-known as the last resort of desperate folks, the goddess of vengeance who will answer anyone who calls her with enough sincerity, so why is she now actively recruiting? The war between Ionians and vastayans is not as well-publicized as the Ionian-Noxian war but it rages on all the same. To free Ionia of human influence, which the vastayans feel is unnatural and warping the natural magic of the land, would the vastayans bond en masse with Kalista? The trade is a life for a life, so for each Ionian that Kalista kills, a vastayan would have to sacrifice their own life. Are there even enough vastayans in Ionia to rid the country entirely of Ionians? Even if there are, one wonders how many vastayans would be left to enjoy the new human-free Ionia - or how long that state of affairs would last before Noxians tried to conquer it once more. So far, the rebel leader Xayah is said to have resisted all of Kalista’s blandishments but the vastayans are a tribal people, separated by their species. She may speak for the Lhotlan in rejecting Kalista’s offer, but there is no guarantee the other vastayan tribes will do the same. Ionia, beware! Your next invasion may come from within your own borders.

@iconoclast-xayah​ @vengeance-calls

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I would absolutely read an exposee about Quinn (justicewinged) and her relationship with Garen Crownguard (demacias-broken-wing). Oml please give it to me

((Hello, @justicewinged​ and @demacias-broken-wing! Would you be interested in an article about your relationship? If so, a quick summary sent via my submit would help me get together the basics of it!))

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DEMACIA A ‘PRIMITIVE NATION’, DEMACIAN RANGER SAYS

Quinn, one of Demacia’s foremost ranger scouts, shocked this reporter when she announced that is Demacia is ‘a primitive nation’ though it was leavened by her concession that it wasn’t as primitive as the Freljord. Such an assessment of Demacia seems more fitting for its enemies than one of its most elite scouts. Is this a sign of growing bitterness towards the Demacian upper class and nation? The tragedy of Quinn’s brother dying to save the late Lady Buvelle could have soured her on the privileges allowed to the wealthy, such as fancy goggles.  However, despite her political opinions, Quinn did say that ‘Vayne’s got some pretty eyes, once you get past  the anger and hatred in them’, describing them as ‘blue’. Blue like the summer sky, blue like her Azurite Eager or blue like the Demacian flag? Inquiring minds want to know!  Quinn also confirmed that she has no plans to steal a matching pair of goggles for Valor, whose eyes can already detect magic, and that as far as she knows, the Demacian army is not empowered to steal things en masse to equip themselves. The wild cannon of the Demacian military best summed up her outlook in a few terse sentences: "| go out and get results, no orders necessary. The upper class doesn’t have to worry about how I get the job done along the way, just that it’s done.” @on-cerulean-wings @purify-the-night

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VAYNE VOWS TO KILL QUINN!

A brave reporter caught up to Vayne (@purify-the-night) and asked her a series of probing questions about ‘Gogglegate’ as the alleged theft by Quinn (@on-cerulean-wings) is being called. The impatient, goggle-less huntress answered with her usual elan. 

Q: What will you do if Quinn doesn't return your goggles? A:  I told her I would kill her for taking my tools and I intend to do just that if I don’t receive them back.

Q: How expensive were they? Can you see without the goggles on? A: “They were quite expensive and my eyesight is perfect. Q:  Is goggle-theft a common problem in your line of work?

A: “No one has stolen my goggles before and I intend to make sure no one will do it again.”  What will the Demacian military make of this threat towards one of their own? Vayne is not a woman known for making idle threats. If she swears to kill someone, they are as good as dead. Will it fall to Valor to avenge his comrade or will Quinn return the goggles? Runeterra Times is keeping a VERY close eye on the situation!

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BREAKING NEWS: DISSENT IN DEMACIA!

Local Demacians are shocked and appalled to discover a row is taking place between Ranger Quinn, partner to the only known Azurite Eagle, and Vayne, the infamous Demacian hunter of mages! Both of them serve similar purposes, hunting down those that would do harm while wielding cross-bow like weapons, but while Quinn serves Demacia, Vayne serves only her own agenda. Initially, it was thought that the quarrel had been caused by their differing loyalties but people witnessing the argument claim that it’s about a pair of goggles. Vayne accused Quinn of stealing her goggles - but to what ends? What would Quinn do with the goggles? What special properties do the goggles have that would make them appeal to Quinn? The quarrel is heated, ready to turn violent  at any moment! Will Valor go for Vayne’s unprotected eyes? Will Vayne turn invisible and grab the goggles back? Is ‘goggles’ a codeword for something more sinister? STAY TUNED FOR UPDATES AS THEY COME IN! Runeterra Times, always reporting only the freshest news! @on-cerulean-wings @purify-the-night

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HORROR PODCAST IN NOXUS

If you hear the word ‘horror’, what comes to mind? The Shadow Isles and their undead denizens or Noxus with its blood mage, snake ladies, undead juggernauts and demon generals? Either is an acceptable answer but it looks like Noxus is now pulling ahead in the ‘scariest place to live’ contest with a new podcast.

Ominously named ‘Are You Alive?’, the podcast features short horror stories that make this reporter check under the bed twice before going to sleep! For those of you not in the know, a podcast is basically like a radio program but sent over the hexweb instead of radio waves. This allows people even outside of Noxus to tune in and listen to this person’s tales of terror! Runeterra Times takes no responsibility for any nightmares brought on by listening to the podcast. @deathlygaze

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KATARINA’S SECRET LOVE CHILD!

A small boy has been heard referring to Cassiopeia as ‘Auntie’ and seen hugging, kissing and otherwise acting affectionately with her. Cassiopeia Du Couteau, the famous snake lady of Noxus, has only two siblings, one of whom is adopted. While Cassiopeia Du Couteau is known for many things, such as her fashion sense and poisonous words (literally!), she is not known to be a maternal or especially caring person. Since it’s unlikely she would make such an effort for Talon, it seems more plausible that the boy belongs to Katarina. Questions still abound! Who’s the father? Will there be wedding bells on the horizon? Why don’t they move the boy into the mansion at least?

The Noxian attitude towards illegitimate children is a hard enough to parse. Some families raise them alongside their legitimate children, other families give the other parent money to raise the child with and yet others have the children placed in orphanages. Katarina, at least, seems to be still keeping some ties to her son intact judging by his sweet relationship with Cassiopeia. @zauns-insane-secret @nihil-remedium

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Will you be interviewing people about their stories and the gossip about them?

((Maybe. I don’t want to RP as an editor/reporter but I could send them asks with interview questions if they’re interested? I’m not sure how to gauge who would like to do that vs whose chars would be very annoyed by it.))

At the present moment, the Runeterra Times is considering interviewing people across Valoran for their take on current events. Let us know in the comments whom you’d like to hear from!

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LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Runeterra Times is now open for Letters to the Editor.  Send us your thoughts, comments, hot leads and inside tips! Profane letters will not be published; we do have some standards here at the Runeterra Times.

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A NOXIAN REGIME CHANGE?

A triangle’s three sides are not always equal; Darius, the only known mortal in the Trifarix, has been the frequent target of assassination attempts but today, one came closer than most to succeeding! Eyewitnesses say that the Hand of Noxus was stepping out of the barracks when an arrow sped towards him from an unknown assailant. Only the prompt reflexes of the assassin known as the Blade’s Shadow saved Darius from sporting new headgear! One must question why Noxians so rarely wear helmets, given how useful they are in stopping arrows and other projectiles. The city is abuzz with rumors as to who could have ordered the assassination and why the Blade’s Shadow would intervene to stop a colleague from carrying out his mission. Has the Grand General ordered him to protect the Hand of Noxus? Has the Trifarian Legion lost the faith of the Trifarix that outside assassins are now tasked with protecting the Trifarix? Most importantly: will the next attempt succeed?

@noxianhand @askdragonbladetalon

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SHURIMAN EMPORER DRIVES LIBRARIAN TO DRINK?

The Ascended demi-god Nasus was seen engaging in some sort of drinking game with a masked stranger. Who was this stranger and what woes could have driven the jackal-headed Ascended to drown his sorrows in alcohol? Sources close to the palace say that there has been some friction with Noxus lately, due to disagreements over trade, but Noxian expansionism is no new concern. Surely if the Noxians could cause Nasus to need relief in a bottle, he would have started imbibing much earlier! We questioned Dr. Medierne, a veterinarian, on whether Nasus should really drinking and he said, “It depends on whether he has a human stomach or a jackal’s stomach. We have no information on how jackals behave when drunk, but we do know that when dogs get drunk, they lose control of their hind legs and bowels. A dignified Ascended like Nasus surely wouldn’t risk that happening to him, so it’s safe to say he must have a human stomach and can drink like any other human would.” A likely explanation, Dr. Medierne says, is Azir.  “Dogs are progammed in their DNA to chase birds. Having a jackal head and possibly some jackal instincts might make it difficult for Nasus to take instructions from Azir. A jackal would see Azir as prey and naturally, jackals don’t take orders from birds.” @shurima-demigod @bird-of-shurima @demon4rtist

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A Witch in the Demacian Woods?

Rumors have been spreading that in the magic-averse woods of Demacia, a witch lives who specializes in brewing potions. The woods of Demacia are known to suffocate magical talents and make magic-users most uncomfortable, so why would any witch choose to reside there? To find out, the Runeterra Times sent one of our own intrepid reporters to pay a personal visit to the witch in question! Unfortunately, said reporter has returned slightly the worse for wear and with a mild case of amnesia, possibly brought on by the potion the witch made. Nobody at the office has been willing to try the potion yet - all we know is that the contents are black, liquid and it smells like salt and ozone.  Whatever it is, it must be potent indeed. If you’re thinking of visiting the witch, remember the old adage: be careful what you wish for. @cutmystrxngs

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HIGH FASHION UNDER THE SEA?

Do the Marai hold balls underwater? It sure seems like it since Nami was spotted sporting a fabulous dress that any socialite would be proud to wear! The beautiful creation of delicate blue fabric, spotted with golden stars and sequins, was cut deep down her front and cinched over her waist with a golden brooch, thereby cleverly hiding the divide between her more humanoid half and her fish tail. A pure white overskirt contrasted with the blue of the robe, and over it all, a transparent veil edged in gold lace flowed from her ornate headpiece. It’s a stunning outfit but we have to ask, Nami, what’s the occasion and who designed and tailored it for you?  @tiidecalling

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PANTHEON’S DELIVERY SERVICE: ★★★★★

If you’re strolling down Kalamanda Avenue, treat your tastebuds to a wonderful meal at Pantheon’s Delivery Service! The small cafe has a cozy, intimate atmosphere with wonderful service and delightful food.  This reporter visited the establishment with a few friends so we could sample a variety of dishes and not a single one disappointed! The bread was fluffy and soft with a golden, crunchy crust. A slice of bread can be easily torn with your bare hands and has such a savory, nutty taste to it that it can be enjoyed without any toppings at all. The cakes are little marvels, sold in individual slices, mini-sizes and party sizes. I had a devil’s food cake confection that would be worth selling your soul for! Melting, mousse-like slices of chocolate sandwiched between chocolate cake with rich shavings of dark chocolate on top formed a perfect slice of cake and the iced chocolate drink that I ordered with it was just right to stop the chocolate from being too overwhelming. The staff are all very friendly and knowledgeable about the dishes. If you ask for a recommendation, all of them will happily talk about their favorites - except Riven, who’ll recommend coffee even if you ask for food. We’re not sure what’s going on there.  Even if you don’t have any plans to go to Kalamanda Avenue, you’re in luck! As the name suggests, they do delivery and catering both. We at the Runeterra Times know who’s going to be catering for our next office party! @pantheons-delivery-service

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THE EXECUTIONER AND ENTERTAINER: A BLOSSOMING ROMANCE?

Draven, the Glorious Executioner and one of Noxus’ most high-profile celebrities, was spotted in a certain high class burlesque club the other night. While Draven is hardly a stranger to burlesque clubs and bawdy good times, this time rumor has it that after the show, he requested a personal audience with one Mr. Alicio Ezperanza. Alicio, as he’s most commonly known, is one of Noxus’ premiere drag queens. Known for his convincing portrayal of a woman on stage and the allure of his famous feathered fan dances, Alicio has turned more than a few nobleman’s heads. Sadly, none of those affairs ever seem to come to much thanks to the eventual deaths of the noblemen. Is there a stalker after Alicio? Should Draven worry for the fate of his glorious mustache?  Or was there some other reason for their late night rendezvous? Perhaps Noxus will be treated to the sight of one of Alicio’s dance as a warm up to Draven’s execution! Or perhaps Draven was getting advice on a new costume for his Arena? This reporter, for one, thinks Draven would look stunning in drag!

@aliciothyblade @draven