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i love cait's pic from crete
Now, when we go somewhere that we used to reach by motorcycle, Pete always tells me that the Jeep is just as good. He is flat out lying. However, it was nice, after hazy yellowed skies from wildfire smoke, to see some blue skies again. And the ice cream is flat out perfect and that's no lie.
Today:
Well this FB memory brought back some---memories. When I wrote this ten years ago, I never imagined living in NY. I never really imagined being retired because I could not imagine Pete not doing the work that he loved. Now we are retired and he's doing great while I feel unsettled and aimless without work to be done. Pete still wears the Rocking C hat that our client Bob had made. I am very grateful that we survived the "downturn" which is what politicians and journalists call something they are not actually living through.
July 2016:
Last weekend, we turned down a familiar road. Familiar because Pete designed it. Many years ago, a guy named Bob called and asked if Pete could design a subdivision for him. Not an unusual request since heās designed hundreds of places for people to live. What made it unusual was that the guy wasnāt a developer. He was a chiropractor. His wife was Grace and she was one of those crystal-wearing aging hippie types. Once we got to know them better, she kept giving Pete the same gift whenever he met with themāblack and white sketches she had done of raccoons. You would not think you could come up with so many different poses for raccoons but Grace somehow managed.
Bobās connection with the land was also not the norm. Usually, a developer just buys land because itās available. Bob had the land because it was his. The land had passed through generations. The only house on the land was a modest ordinary place that only meant something to Bob because it was his childhood home. He had wrestled for years with the idea of developing the 300 acres that were home and not justāa product. Finally, he chose Pete because he trusted that Pete would help him realize his vision for his birthright land.
Bob was so excited. He was involved in every detail. He and Pete designed roads that followed the topography. The lots were going to be big. Big enough, and rural enough, for horses. Dogs could roam and come home tick-covered. He wanted a pond and Pete said that the views and the lots were going to be beautiful enough that we might even move there. Bob named it the Rocking C. He had hats printed with the Rocking C logo and gave one to Pete. He also wrote a fiction book about cowboys or mountain men or something frontier-ish. He was going to self-publish the book and wanted me to read it and write a back cover blurb. I never read it but Pete did.
This was sometime around 2007 or 2008. As you might remember, things kind of fell apart right about that time. The housing market crashed right after the roads had been put in and Bob had sunk all of his savings into the construction. That land. He lost it all. The 300 acres that had been in his family for generations are now owned by the bank. Bob moved away to some town that needed a chiropractor. The raccoon prints are long gone. We havenāt heard from them in years.
I donāt often speak about that time, but our cycle ride along those beautiful roads brought it all back to me. We were part of that housing bust. I would guess that 85 to 95% of Peteās business was designing subdivisions. So what do you do when you lose 95% of your business?
First, you think it will just be a blip. It never occurs to you that all of your clients will let their subdivisions that Pete had designed go back to the bank. It never occurs to you that all of your clients will justādisappear. Go bankrupt. Retire. After a while, you realize that the business you had spent 15 years building was suddenly dead. You have a daughter in a fancy art school in Brooklyn and a son at Harvard Law.
You realize that you had better come up with a plan, any plan, to pay the bills. You lay off your one employee, but you make sure that he lands on his feet. You get him a job with an engineering firm so that he still has a steady paycheck and a retirement plan and health insurance and paid vacations while you yourself are waiting for the phone to ring with any work. You hear that this guy, whose career you saved, is calling your clients trying to poach what little work you have from them. You will never forget that.
I kept writing on Tumblr, buying groceries, and reading books, but I also started selling things on Craigslist. A refrigerator. Office furniture left from when we moved our office back home. Shoes and shirts. An old boat and a bike. Pete started landscaping. I helped. It was awful. We were too old and too out-of-shape, well, I was anyway. I remember planting hundreds of plants in a backyard on a Labor Day. I was crying. We moved 11 tons of rock from a neighborās driveway to her backyard in heat that was over 100 degrees. We had to wheelbarrow the rock down several stairs and I stood behind Pete and held on to his belt so that he wouldnāt get going too fast down the stairs. I cried then too.
My brother had a connection at the Claycomo Ford plant. Pete started driving cars from the factory to the mammoth parking lots. Since he was non-union temporary help, we never knew if he were going to work that night until they would call. Sometimes theyād call him in at 2 or 4 or 6 in the evening. Heād work all night, drive home in the early dawn, go to bed for a few hours, and get back up to see if he had any real workāthe work heād been trained to do. While he was working, Iād be sleeping. While I was working, heād be sleeping. We went from a couple who saw each other 24 hours a day to two people passing in the hall either just waking or just sleeping.
Finally, we had to sell my Prius, my second favorite car ever. After we sold it, we treated ourselves to McDonalds. I was crying so hard that snot was rolling into my Diet Coke. Sometimes we drive by that McDonalds and I get sad all over again. I really did love that car.
I tried collecting money that our former out-of-business clients owed us. They said that theyād lost the land; theyād lost their business. They certainly werenāt going to pay us what they owed us.
We were still the lucky ones. We kept our four-bedroom four-bath house. We still had a car (Caitlinās from high school) and our truck. We had cable and internet and food and air conditioning. We never touched our retirement money. We cut back and cut back some more and, with time, housing came back.
Things got better although weāll never recover what we didnāt earn in those four or five years when our business went from 100% to 5%. Most of our original clients didnāt survive so we had to rebuild from scratch. So we did. Pete is so busy that he works weekends. Weāve had some wonderful vacations in the past few years. But weāre carefulāmore careful than we used to be.
Caitlin told me recently that, now that things are better, sheās grateful for what happened. She said that she thinks a lot about what happened to her parents. Her parents with the rock solid business that suddenly wasnāt. She said that she is, now, all too aware of how quickly things can go bad. She is careful (maybe too careful) with her hard-earned money.
Last weekend, we rode over the land that used to belong to Bob. Itās still called the Rocking C. Some people have bought lots on that land. Theyāve built big houses. The pond hasnāt been put in and never will be. The real estate agent who is selling those lots has no idea that this was Generational Land. That this land belonged to a family whose boys hiked and hunted across the land with their tick-covered dogs.
Last weekend, we started to watch 99 Homes, a movie about all those who lost their homes during the Great Recession. We watched for about ten minutes and I said, āPete, I canāt watch this. Itās too hard.ā It cut way too close to the bone. A few months ago, we watched The Big Short which told the story of Wall Street and bankers and all those who went about their lives while ours crashed.
Sometimes we laugh about moving all that gravel down the stairs with me anchoring Pete with his belt. Sometimes we laugh about him driving cars and me selling a refrigerator.
But itās really not that funny. And we were the lucky ones.
(After we stopped watching 99 Homes, we watched Everest which was about those who died on the mountain in 1996. As I watched it, all I could think was that, however bad things got, I never had to climb that fucking mountain. And, for that, I was very very grateful.)
Intrepid, NYC
This was special.
March 1978: My KSU roommate (Donna OHS 1976) and I went to Houston on spring break. We were staying with her sister and family and we were going to visit NASA in Houston. I saw in the paper that the shuttle was going to be at a nearby airfield. I begged them to take us there too.
Enterprise (Star Trek) was never a flying shuttle. It was built to stress test for launches, gliding ability, all the things that a shuttle would need to perform and withstand. One of the tests was to see if the shuttle would be able to survive being piggybacked to a jet so that it could be transported around the country if needed.
This was one of its few test flights and we were there to see it after it landed. It was one of the highlight memories of my life. This was long before we would learn that the shuttle was actually a death trap that would claim the lives of so many astronauts. It was a truly inspirational day that actually choked me up. I left the shuttle that day thinking that I should just, you know, become an astronaut. I'm not kidding. I actually checked the For Rent apartments so that I could move to TX and show up for astronaut training.
I've wanted to visit the shuttle since we moved here. Finally I was reunited with my old friend. When we saw the shuttle on the jet, it had seemed like a normal size. Yesterday, when I walked into the hangar, I was ASTONISHED. It. Was. Huge.
I had gotten the few photos I had from 1978 developed and stopped by the info desk to see if anyone would be interested in having them. We learned that you can't just "drop off photos." They called one of the Collections Department officials. She came from wherever she was on that vast ship and had me fill out paperwork and she said she would run it by the Archives Department to see if they would accept the photos.
She and I both agreed that very few people ever saw the Enterprise because it wasn't a shuttle that went to space. We agreed that I was absolutely the only person on that ship yesterday who had seen the shuttle in active use. She said she loved my story and would really push for my photos to be accepted. (You can see me and a much taller Donna in front of the shuttle along with her nephews.)
Have to say I was choked up when I saw what I had seen back when I was 21. They say you shouldn't meet your heroes in real life because you'll be disappointed. I was so happy to hang out with one of my heroes from long ago. I was not disappointed. I was inspired and thinking that maybe I should check the For Rent apartments in Houston.
So this happened.
Pratt Institute sends out a yearly magazine showing accomplishments of graduates. Every year since 2012, I've scanned the little paragraphs to see if they have noted anything that Cait or Bobby or David or other friends of hers have accomplished for the past year. Every year. Nothing.
A few weeks ago, the magazine arrived. I looked in the tiny paragraph pages. This year. Nothing.
I was flipping through the rest of the magazine and thought, "Wait. I know that deer picture."
It was Cait's. And her IBM book. And it was not a tiny paragraph. It was an actual feature. Read it if you would like. You will like it. LOTS of interesting bits about IBM and the scientists who work hard in anonymity. Lots of interesting bits about Cait and her process.
Link to the Article: https://www.pratt.edu/.../cait-oppermann-photography-ibm.../
Note: At the end of the article, it links to the video she made showing how her IBM book came to be. The link says "error" but it actually works. (It's really an interesting look into how you make a book and all the decisions that go into it. And I love to hear her actually talking.)
Book 54 of 2026
A few years ago, I was pleased but not surprised to see that "An American Marriage" was on President Obama's list of favorite books of the year. This year I had seen "Kin" on so many lists of favorite books of the year. I just finished and it earned every bit of praise just as her first book also had.
These are not easy books. They're not really summer reads. They are for darker months when you're tucked inside and want to be serious in the cold. Still. I read this book in the summer. Tayari Jones is a serious writer doing serious work with serious subjects. This was a beautifully written book. I'm not sure that I smiled once. I didn't feel happy but I did feel rewarded and fulfilled. Jones is an expert at character development. She isn't great at fun and whimsy.
A career goal was to take over the back page of Sports Illustrated whenever Rick Reilly retired. Amazingly this goal did not happen. Perhaps because I never did anything to make it happen.
Anyway. With that as a goal, you might have thought that I would have attended a professional sporting event in a city other than Kansas City. I. Have. Not. EVER! I find this to be astonishing.
Finally. Today I made it to Yankee Stadium to celebrate, not Mother's Day, but Father's Day. This would have made my dad so happy to know that I was in an NYC stadium on a day celebrating him although, of course, being from KC, we are obviously not Yankees fans.
We took the train and were wondering if we would have trouble finding the stadium from the train station. Considering that the train was so crowded with Yankee-jersey-wearing fans that every train car had people packed into the aisles because the seats were all full, it was, obviously, not a problem to follow hundreds and hundreds of people to the stadium.
It was a great day and a reminder of why we unexpectedly uprooted ourselves---we have spent so many holidays without our kids and it's such a treasure to spend days, holiday or not, with them.
The Yankees lost. I didn't even pretend to care!
(This essay about my dad appeared in Tim Russertās book many years ago. Both Tim Russert and his editor (B.J. Novak's dad) were kind and generous men. Russert kept telling me that my story had to be shorter shorter shorter. After Iād edited it down to something much shorter than the essay seen here, I told him that I couldnāt edit it down any shorter. He said that was fine. āA girl should get to talk about her dad,ā he said.)
All think they know my dad. They read an article and say, āThat sounds just like your dad.ā And they are right. They do know my dad. They know my dad as the man at Kittyās 40th birthday party. When they needed someone to pop out of a cake a-la-Playboy Bunny, they called my dad. They built a plywood and tissue-paper cake and gave him his costume---long underwear with a green voile ruffle around the waist. Knowing that he would lose his nerve, they also supplied a few drops of liquid courage. And so, three-sheets-to-the-wind, my dad didnāt so much pop as stumble out of the cake.
They know my dad as the man who hijacked a party. In the days of hijackings to Cuba, Dadās friend, Donna hosted a āFly-Awayā party. Deciding that her party needed a surprise, he and his sidekick, my mother, set out to supply that surprise. Dressed in black with paint smeared across their faces, they sneaked into the basement, flipped the switch that plunged the party into darkness, and kidnapped Donna. Leaving behind a briefcase wired with firecrackers and a ransom note demanding tequila with a worm, they calmed a hysterical Donna and made her party a hit.
They know my dad as the man who organized a hard hat decorating contest. Knowing that requiring the women in his stockroom to wear safety hats at all times would mean daily bad hair days, he tried to cushion the blow. He sponsored a āDecorate Your Hard Hat Contestā with categories and prizes. They know my dad as the man who, just like Andy Hardy, said, āLetās put on a showā each Christmas for his department at work. One year he was Miss Piggy, another year he set the skit to rap music.
They know my dad as the man who treated āhis ladiesā at work to lunch on his birthday every year for 20 years. It started simply enough. When polyester pantsuits first became acceptable for women in the workplace, my dad surveyed his ladies and jokingly said, āCouldnāt you wear dresses in honor of my birthday tomorrow?ā When every woman came dressed in evening and cocktail and mini dresses, Dad knew he had to take them with lunch. Over many years that simple lunch grew from a one-hour bite to eat to an event. When his department grew too large to spontaneously drop in at a restaurant, he began to reserve party rooms around town. When the women suggested that a bit of wine might be nice in a county that didnāt allow the sale of mixed drinks, the event moved to our house. Mother, the ever-loyal sidekick, cooked for days before, took the day off to set everything up, then vanished for a few hours only to return later to clean up.
They know my dad as the man who coached all my brotherās teams. In Little League, he had only two rules. Rule One: Parents were to keep their mouths shut. No yelling at the kids, the umps, or the coaches. Rule Two: Always throw the ball home. Tired of watching a ball go from third base to an overthrown first base to an overshot second base, his strategy was simple. Let them think they hit a home run. Weāll get them out at the plate.
All think they know my dad. And they are wrong. They donāt know my dad. They donāt know that, as a young father with his own kids safely tucked into their beds, he received a phone call in the middle of the night from a distraught employee. Her daughter, a survivor of many suicide attempts, was missing. Would my dad help search? All who think they know my dad didnāt know that he sat in a car with the single mother as the first light fell on Lake Olathe and the abandoned car sitting on the cliff. They didnāt see him as he waited while the lake was dredged and the body recovered. They didnāt see him later on that gray morning with bits of mud and morning dew on his pants cuffs as he kissed his sleeping kids.
They donāt know that Iāve had many surgeries. They donāt know that, even after I was a wife and mother, my dad would ājust happen to be in the neighborhoodā as he appeared at the hospital waiting rooms to sit with my husband. They donāt know that, when the doctor would show up with news for the next-of-kin, my dad would forget that my husband was the supposed next-of-kin---what was a husband compared to a dad?
They donāt know that any scraped knee could be made better when my dad said, āthere, there, there.ā They donāt know that my dad cried so hard when leaving me at college that he had to pull off the road in Aggieville, or that he sat alone on the steps of our house as I left in my Camaro with my new husband.
They donāt know that my dadās secret ambition was to drive a better car than his kids. As a child, I thought the Ford Mustang was a car of the 1950s because my dad drove a ā57 Mustang. I now know that my dad drove a heap that barely made it the few blocks to work. But somehow naming these clunkers made them seem nicer. And so he drove a ā57 Mustang, and Cream Puff I, II, and III (all Puff for short).
They donāt know that, at my brotherās wedding rehearsal dinner, my dad followed the show biz motto āLeave āem crying.ā Giving a speech about my brother that was straight from the heart, there wasnāt a dry eye in the place---in the 22-and-under male eyes, that is. After my dad toasted my brother saying, āI couldnāt be more proud of you and I love you dearly,ā those tough-as-nails young men were red-eyed and jealous. Jealous that my brother had a dad who told him, in public, what they had never been told even in private.
All think they know my dad. And they do. But I know him better.
Happy Father's Day.
Iāve been watching Mad Men again. My dad would have been around the same age as Don Draper during the time of Mad Men and Iām pretty much the same age as Sally and hereās the thing:
At 4:55 weād be playing in the street with eight or ten kids. At 5:15 Mark and I would be alone. Fathers with their felted hats and faux leather briefcases were pulling into driveways. Tables were set with dishes bought one piece at a time from Safeway. Mothers were pulling pot roasts and meatloaves out of the oven. Kids were washing their hands and combing their hair. Dinner was served. Meals were being eaten at all the homes except for mine because my mother worked in an office and wasnāt yet home. Dinner wasnāt served until much later at my house and it was a much simpler affair since my mom hadnāt been home to cook.
Because we ate at the unheard-of-hour of 6 or even 6:15, our meals were always interrupted by kids who had already eaten ringing our doorbell to ask, not if my brother and I could come out and play, but if my dad, Mr. Moore, could come out and play. Hardly a night went by that, tired as he might have been, Mr. Moore didnāt go out and pitch to all the kids whose dads should have been out there but werenāt.
In the beginning, it was just my brother, all the neighbor boys, and me. The other girls would sit quietly making daisy chains or dressing their Barbies in cheerleader outfits. Over time, the girls would ask if maybe they could try to swing the bat or catch a ball. My dad would say sure you can play just run home and get your glove. The girls would look at him as if heād said just run home and get your elephant. Heād tell the girls and boys to get gloves and, within a day or two, the kids would gather with never-used gloves in our backyard waiting for Mr. Moore to finish dinner.
Dad taught us all how to field and choke up on the bat and steal home. He insisted that my brother and I be able to bat right and left-handed because being able to bat right and left-handed made us more well-rounded ball players. Everyone knew that. He made sure I had a real glove and not a pink princess glove with rhinestones or sparkles.
He showed all of us how to oil our gloves and put a baseball in the middle and tie it with twine to form a good pocket. He told us to hit the glove with our fists so that the leather made that cool popping sound as we waited at-the-ready in the outfield.
Sometimes other dads came over to playāeither because they wanted to play or, more likely, had been sent by their wives. Theyād come over in their dress slacks and black wingtips. Theyād tell their daughters that maybe they should go sit by the fence because they were going to get hurt or, sometimes, because they threw like a girl.
One dad told my father that maybe I shouldnāt be encouraged to play with a hardball. That maybe a softball was more my speed. (We had a softball. One. We called it Momās Softball and I have no idea why. Itās not like Mom played softball. Itās not like she had ever played softball. Thatās just what it was. Momās Softball. I hated softballs. They were too big. Too slow. Too lumbering.)
I could tell Dad thought perhaps the other dad should go back home and read his paper. āRuss Ann,ā he said. āDo you want to bat right or left-handed?ā I said I thought left would be good and Dad agreed. He said, āGrab a bat and choke up.ā I spit on my hands, rubbed them in the grass, choked up on the bat, and I smashed that ball. Hit it over the fence two backyards away. I stomped on home plate. The crowd went wild.
This was in the days before high fives and fist bumps. We didnāt yet know how to really celebrate so my dad just rumpled my hair and winked at me. Didnāt smile. Walked back to the pitcherās mound. Asked who was up next. The guy never mentioned girls and baseball, hardball baseball, again. That was a good thing but hereās the real thing:
My dad, in the early 1960s, was forced to take a job that involved traveling and a hat. He loathed wearing the hat almost as much as he hated being gone.
We picked my dad up at the airport late on a Friday night and my very young brother put his arms around my dadās neck and said, āHey, Dad, I almost forgot about you.ā
My dad found a new job that didnāt involve traveling.
Don Draper and my dad. Really no comparison.
Iād love to be out in the yard throwing around a baseball with him today.
Happy Fatherās Day.
Me: Cait's been busy: I'll let her tell about the New York Times story that I couldn't mention until now (This will also appear in the NYT Magazine this Sunday I think - the investigative journalism is SO interesting and shows what real journalism can still look like)
-----
cait oppermann: What Iāve been working on (in secret) for the last month and a half: A NYT Magazine exclusive investigation on Jeffrey Epsteinās death.
Images:
-Dr. Baden, private medical examiner hired by Jeffrey Epsteinās brother, Mark Epstein, who speculated his injuries were more consistent with homicide.ļæ½-Bill Mersey in his home, a former inmate at MCC assigned as a psychological companion to Epstein.
-Mike Tisdale, another former inmate at MCC who was also assigned as a psychological observer to Epstein.
-Robert Adams, former corrections officer at MCC who interacted with Epstein during his last weeks.
-process, ephemera, context, the modern-day clipping
This story includes tireless reporting by a team of NYT reporters, one of whom I got to witness conduct an interview. The NYT team created some incredible visual accompaniments to the story which add so much more clarity and understanding to visualizing this place and what may or may not have happened there. More than anything else, Iām always grateful for the opportunity to work on stories like this that matter and have real reasons to be shared with the public.��Thank you so much to the NYT Magazine team for consistently sending me down difficult but important roads like this one. Thank you to Allison for assisting on the portraits of Dr. Baden, thank you Cassie for spending days running around New York at odd hours under odd circumstances and being exactly the right person for that. Thank you, Hannah and the NYTM photo team for the commission and faith.
----
Link to the story which might not work if you don't have a New York Times subscription: https://www.nytimes.com/.../jeffrey-epstein-death-final...
Today. Tonight.
good morning
You never know all there is to know about someone even when that someone is your child. A story that is beyond believing but is true. I was familiar with this story but had no idea just how bizarre it was.
Philadelphia May 2026
John had been to a restaurant called Dandelion and knew that any restaurant that had English and Pub in its description was a place I should go to.
It was crowded and loud and lively and the rooms had old crown molding around the ceiling and a chandelier in the middle and a boarded-up fireplace. It was very dimly lit and most of the light came from a tiny candle on each table. A caricature of Churchill hung over the bar. My fish and chips were battered and flavorful and the fries (British: chips) were crispy and the server brought malt vinegar and said they had comped our drinks because we'd had to wait (ten minutes) for our table. I loved the meal and the ambiance of shabby and chic.
While we were sitting, we noticed a guy of maybe 35 or so sitting by himself. He had on those linen pants that wrinkle so much and a shirt splashed with flowers and it was one of those outfits where you couldn't decide if he was wearing something elegant beyond our imagining or his pajamas.
He was by himself and, at one point, Pete said that he always felt sorry for those sitting and eating alone. This led to a conversation about how it was a bit of a trend for people, especially older-ish women, to take the plunge and eat by themselves even though it made them feel conspicuous and sad and maybe a little lonely. Or it could make them feel empowered. This guy seemed comfortable with his aloneness and I thought he probably wasn't part of a trend.
I glanced at him occasionally but hadn't given him a lot of thought---like he wasn't the highlight of our meal---until he got ready to leave.
He stopped and put his hand on my shoulder and I thought oh no he knows we were talking about him and his eating alone.
Instead, he squeezed my shoulder in a friendly way and leaned down to me because it was so hard to hear and said, "You are such a lovely couple" and I said, "Thank you so much. Forty-eight-ish years together" and he again said, "So lovely." And he patted my back and disappeared.
I've thought a bit about what he saw versus what you might call reality since then.
He would have seen two old-ish people sit down and would have seen me tell Pete to take a chair closer to me instead of across from me. He would have seen Pete scoot his chair very close to me, almost on top of me. He would probably have thought that the chair change was due to---affection or something sweet like that. He would have seen us talk. He would have seen us laugh. He might have seen Pete squeeze my leg. He would have seen us passing food back and forth as we sampled and compared our food choices.
All of what he saw was real and true. However, what he might have interpreted as us wanting to be closer during dinner was actually because Pete can't hear a bloody (English pub word) thing any longer and I knew that our meal would have been me saying something and Pete saying "what's that?" and me getting exasperated. The watching guy wouldn't have known that we were both really tired after driving to Longwood and walking for miles in 91 degree weather and that, during the day, we had been mostly kind and just a little bit snippy to each other (snippy = mainly me). He wouldn't have known that we really wanted to get our food and go back to the hotel because we were so tired. He wouldn't have known that some of the conversations he viewed from afar were trivial and not scintillating or worth noting by him.
Still. He had watched two old-ish people living a life. He wouldn't have known, as he watched Pete squeeze my leg, that I almost always have a bruise the size of a man's thumb on my leg because Pete gets the most comfort from squeezing my leg throughout the day.
He had watched, I now realize after some thought, a vignette of marriage and love and I guess we were, actually, a lovely couple.
(Picture of us definitely not at an English pub in PA.)
Memorial Day 2026
We were at my parentsā house and Mother asked if my brother and I wanted our beat up green footlockers and I said sure but didnāt Dad want them and Dad said why would I want them theyāre not mine. And I said what do you mean theyāre not yours? Didnāt you bring them home from the navy? And Dad said havenāt you heard of the colors ARMY green and NAVY blue and I said oh, well then whose footlockers are they? And then I said oh no theyāre the army manās who lived next door? The guy who died in Vietnam? And I said Jesus I wrote my name on it. Why did you let me write my name on it? And why did you let me use it as a toy box?
And Dad said the soldier wouldnāt have minded that you wrote your name on it. He had little boys and he liked you with your little girl pink-ness and strollers filled with dolls. He was always glad to see you when you came out to play. Itās ok. And Dad said those footlockers were hardly in Vietnam before they came back home and I said what do you mean heād been there for years and Dad said no heād only been there for two weeks.
And I said well I just got this story so wrong. I thought the footlockers were Dadās and I thought the army man had been there for years and I thought he was a captain or a Green Beret or someone important. And Dad said no he was just a kid. And he was killed so early into the war that it was noteworthy. I remember all of us neighbors talking about him. You know---one dead out of a thousand was something; one dead out of 58,000 was just a number.
And somehow this makes it all worse. Itās been decades since that army man died and I was just a little girl and itās OK that I got his story so wrong. But it doesnāt feel OK. It seems as if I should have gotten his last story right and known that he was younger than my youngest is now. I should have known that he wasnāt a battle-weary and war-scarred veteran.
I should have known that heād just gotten to that jungle across the world. The footlocker had barely arrived in Vietnam before it was sent back home again. Still today I can read the number 131091 so clearly written in black marker. I look at the date written and realize that this footlocker had served in the 1940s and again in the 1960s. The footlocker had a longer life than my friend the army man next door.
And I thought did the footlocker come home next to his body or did they just load up a bunch of them? Did they have a plane just for bodies and another one for footlockers? Or had we not yet gotten that good at the logistics of returning dead boys and their boots and bibles?
And I said I got most of this story wrong but I know that his wife came over all the time didnāt she? And my mom said yes she came over because she was young with two little boys who liked to play army. She had no family around and so she got the boys bathed and tucked into bed and then sheād knock at our door late at night. Weād drink coffee and talk about the boy who was sitting around a campfire when a sniper shot him in the head.
And I know that I got so much of his story wrong and I feel desperately awful that I wrote my name on the footlocker that belonged to someone elseās dad and not mine and I wish I could give the locker back to his kids whoever and wherever they are. But the main part, the part about a dead soldier and suddenly fatherless kids and a widow and her grief---I got that part right. Perfectly.
Amsterdam 2026 Post #2
Two guys from KC opened Pendergast in Amsterdam. Itās named after the political mob boss who ran KC in the 1920-1930s. Pendergast helped Harry S Trumanās political career and that cloud always hung over Truman. Pendergast was very corrupt and shootings and beatings routinely happened on election days. His office in the West Bottoms led to, in part, the rise of KC Jazz. We told the servers that we were from Kansas City and they said that they hoped the food lived up to KC standards. The brisket was great. The sides were weird with flavors that were either just odd or adapted to Dutch tastes. NO FRIES and fancy mashed potatoes instead which is a very odd choice because KC BBQ joints always serve fries. They had gooey butter cake which is a St. Louis and not KC thing. (Peteās dad was a connoisseur of gooey butter cake and bought one on Saturday mornings.)
The food was very hit or miss all week. We ordered schnitzel in one place because now we always order schnitzel in remembrance of John and Ian's wedding in Vienna where they, obviously, served schnitzel. It was a terrible meal. The meat was clearly processed like a fish stick and was disgusting. They had ālonely elderly womenā in the neighborhood make a soup each week to help them be happy and busy which is a very nice gesture. I still think, however, that, gesture or not, the food should be edible. I ordered the cauliflower soup and it was thick tasteless glue. The brown, green, mustard thing was a tuna sandwich at the tulip gardens. It was awful but the Belgian fries at the gardens were spectacular. In 2015, we had the fish & chips at a market that has been operating in Amsterdam for hundreds of years and went back to the same market. Best fish & chips anywhere! Without a doubt! We had a lovely meal in Haarlem at a place called TOAST. (I found it interesting that a lot of restaurants and shops use English instead of Dutch for their names.)
Amsterdam 2015
On our first day in Amsterdam, it was nearing sunset and we found ourselves near the Anne Frank House and there was such a short line that we decided to take advantage and go in. I wrote this after the visit:
Itās probably because of the newsreels. In the reels, Anneās street was black and white, stark, and it always seemed as if it had just rained. I knew about the tree, just recently gone, whose topmost branches she could see when she was allowed a glimpse outside. I had no idea there was a canal. Itās a handsome street. The building holding her attic looks like a very nice office from the outside. It is green leaves and blue sky and water flowing in the canals. It doesnāt seem to be a street where evil dropped in.
I was surprised at how large the annex was. Of course, it was small and cramped and the stairs were those typical Dutch stairs that seem more like ladders than stairs. But there was a bathroom and a fairly large kitchen. I was especially struck by the fact that it had wallpaper unique to that time period. Flowery. Fussy. A paper that a grandmother would like. Those things that Anne had pinned to the wall, like any teen girl, were preserved behind glass. I realized that the reason the annex was larger than Iād expected was because Iād only ever seen what I thought of as āThe Annexā in school plays. I guess I had pictured Anne living on floors made of scaffolding with the front open to the audience. I guess I hadnāt really pictured, you know, walls and real stairs and running water. Iād pictured Anne on a set.
I looked at her photos and thought about both her and my mom who were very near the same age. Clearly, Anne and her family were well-to-do in a modest way. She had professional portraits that looked posed and paid for. She had lovely clothes. One grouping showed her in a beautiful dress. Another showed what looked like a sweater set. I thought about Anneās life in the thriving city of Amsterdam. I thought about my mother in a small rural town in Kansas. I thought about life and accidents of birth. Anne seemed to ācome from moneyā as my momās mother would have said. My mother came from nothing. One of them is still alive today.
I had expected the visit to the Anne Frank Huis would be sad but it wasnāt as oppressive as I'd expected. The rooms were tiny. The ladders to get to them were steep. The furniture was gone. The movie star pin-ups were still hanging behind preserving glass. Blackout curtains hung at each window. I thought about Anne and my mother Mary but called Carolyn. I thought about never breathing the outside air.
After touring the house, a middle-aged couple came up to us. It was tough for me to tellāwere they Dutch? German? I had no idea. āDid you just tour?ā they asked us. āHer story has touched us so. Was it awful?ā No, I said, it wasnāt as sad as Iād expected. The rooms were so tiny. The room Anne shared with the man, maybe he was a dentist, was just the size of a larger closet. āOh,ā the woman said. āYes, they did that during the war? They all just pitched together and shared their houses didnāt they? Thatās just so inspiring.ā
I just stared at her. Anne Frankāthatās what you think her story was? She and her parentsā friends got together and shared a home? Like an Airbnb or a hostel?
Amsterdam 2026 Post #1
We didnāt go to the most famous attic this time. When we were there in 2015 (before the tourist invasion), we just walked by near sunset and went in with no lines. Now you have to buy tickets six weeks ahead at 10 am Amsterdam time. We talked to a couple from Utah who had gotten up at 2 am in Phoenix to buy them. I read about a woman who had gotten up early and bought tickets and realized when she got to Amsterdam that she had bought tickets to the replica exhibit in New York City. She was devastated. Itās not like they can renovate the attic to add space so the crowds wonāt become easier to manage. After learning how difficult it is to get tickets to see Anneās attic, I decided not to take two spaces away from those who hadnāt yet seen it.
Anne Frankās House is the most visited site in Amsterdam. We visited another attic that is the fifth most visited site which was the āOur Lord in the Atticā museum. When the Spanish Catholic rulers were kicked out of the Netherlands and Protestant rulers took over, the Catholics were allowed to practice their faith as long as they kept the worship out of sight. Wealthy families built neighborhood churches in their attics where they worshiped undisturbed. The builder of this church was a cotton/linen merchant. If you look at the top of the buildingās facade, you can see the hooks that were used to pull the linen to the attic for storage. The building was tall and thin and had five or six floors. This is the only remaining attic church in Amsterdam.
The #1 and #5 top tourist attractions in Amsterdam are in attics which seems like a very odd juxtaposition of history.
Things we saw at the museum:
Dutch Doors
Those ladder-like stairs that are everywhere
Beds that people slept in while sitting up
Very old Delft tiles on a kitchen wall