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[russellxlove]

2014

It is late night to say the least. My body is slowly losing energy. 1st time in a long time that I felt somewhat confident in myself out in the downtown flagstaff area. It was something to build on from previous experiences of self criticism and loath. Glad to be home and safe Speaking of home, my roommate Sam is drunk haha gotta love this dudes spirit. I really believe I be-friend people with quality traits that I lack. I think that by having them around and their presence as a influence will help me better improve in myself. I can only hope it's for the best. I'll keep it short NOT THAT ANYONE READS THIS BUT THANK YOU FOR BEING APART OF MY JOURNEY.

[russellxlove]

The very first day of the new year

Yayy it's January 1st, 2014. I won't go into one of those," new year, new me speech of advice." Rather, I think, that it's gonna be a year of uncertainties(as everyday is such that) but also another year of building on learning from previous years to put "self" in a position to be happy. I have registered for the GRE as I need to prepare everyday for this exam. I don't wanna over stress and become anxious, just be prepared. I'm going to take control of this new part of my journey of my life. Hoping that I do well so that I can a respectable list of schools to apply. Definitely hoping on me, myself, and I becoming a better person slowly of course. Use and set goals and start to improve and recognize myself of greatness (to still be achieved) and weakness (improve my lesser traits so that it may help build me further) In short I, DeVontae Browne will able to really serve purpose

[russellxlove]

November 11th

As I sit here I think to myself I was in this position last semester, getting closer to graduation. I just hope that I do what's necessary to pass all of my classes so that I can finally put all of soul into my journalism passion. The next of my worries is once I do graduate where will I be attending graduate school, let's face it I've been a slacker my whole UnderGrad career. I hope just some school any school will have me. Lastly, my relationship with God. It weighs heavy on me to know that I wish so badly to turn over my life but I am so back n forth about giving myself fully. I accept that for some reason I don't know why that God allows me to wake up every day regardless of my transgressions. It's crazy that I'm afraid to give control away to the one person who would never let anything bad happen to me or anything that doesn't serve a purpose.

[russellxlove]

Stupid feelings 10/2/13

I have this crush on Sydney B, but it seems like she's being nice and doesn't have the heart to tell me to stop. She says don't try to impress me and be yourself and some days I think it works other days I'm not sure. I'm over doin "it" again. I catch feelings fast and become sensitive. IS IT TOO MUCH FOR HER TO TEXT ME FIRST? Or text back rather then 2-3 hours later. I hate terrible communication I really do. I know I shouldn't but I start assuming things and makes me un-easy. Idk I'm expecting the worst honestly. Just waiting for the day for her to say something like I'm not ready or I don't like you like that. It's crazy cause I haven't really fucked a lot of women I've slept with no more than 8 women. I know ppl who slept with that many in a year. Idk why I just want some relationship it's not gonna be perfect but mine. Whatever though I'm not gonna keep prioritizing people who don't put me in their plans. Words ain't shit anymore. Don't hold onto love HOLD ON TO SOME MONEY. Money won't divorce you, ignore your texts, or take advantage of you. MONEY WILL MAKE YOU CHASE AFTER IT BUT YOULL ALWAYS BE ABLE TO CALL IT YOURS. Deuces I'm out

[russellxlove]

9/22/13

So I have been feeling shitty this cold has been kicking my ass. Oh and my favorite pair of Nixon blue headphones broke so that's fun. On a lighter note I admitted a crush to this girl. We're just talking nothing serious. Idk if it's her or maybe me getting older but I haven't let my emotions get crazy or become attached to her if our texting isn't as quick as I would like. I do have a future date planned so that's great once I'm not sick anymore. TAKE A MOMENT THANK GOD. I had got approved for my Collegiate Loan so I don't have to worry about school being paid for. Hopefully even though I haven't been to mass in a very long time I'm still being focused I have to encourage and use my light with people who I don't care much for. School has been solid I need to make sure my black ass gets more involved in ecology. I'm already behind because I end up drinking and missing class. GRADUATION IS MY BIGGET PRIORITY. Remain focus and sanctified. In short this is where I'm at currently and these are my thoughts. If I ever cross paths w/ anyone who reads this I hope it was beneficial Sincerely yours, Tae

[russellxlove]

9/13/13

I've seen Briana Schwanenberger twice now around NAU. I use her first name because she was something like a gf. The first time was riding the bus to north campus and I'm almost positive she saw me through the window at the McConnell bus stop. The 2nd time was seeing her and a guy leaving little Caesars. She saw me and said nothing of course. The first few times seeing her I can't lie I was angry and cursed her name. Then I began thinking that maybe her ignoring me in public ignoring my texts is her closure. Back during last semester we weren't always around or communicating with each other. We gave back each others stuff and she asked me,"was anything wrong" and I just couldn't say anything to her. I thought it was obvious but maybe me doing that set her in a bad way and hurt her. Idk I just feel like currently I'm good but I'm not the right one for any woman. Little history lesson every girl I've ever been with physically or dating has been through relationship hell and back with me. That girl then either didn't want a relationship and now has one or having facing the ultimate test in dating can now be happy with another guy. Idk I'm tired of chasing after someone who doesn't text me something nice or wants just 10minutes of my time. The fact that I haven't had sex in 6months is due to me not wanting to settle, and the fact that I lack the confidence to talk to women idk bc of my insecurity with my braces.. Lastly I would like to thank my fairly for being my family.. I'm truly a gift and a curse. I accept that as I'm working on becoming a better person Goodnight and stay faithful

[russellxlove]

9/1/13

It's the first of Septemeber. I will be 23 in 5 days. When I think back when I was 18, Mann I had it made. I have no regrets because everything that has happened is for a bigger purpose. God loves me and wants to grow closer with him. I'm tryin to make do with goals and the people in my life. I hope that my plans come into fruition soon, God willing. I haven't smoked in months and I couldn't be more pleased with myself. I've also abstained from thoughts of sexual pleasures. And I'm working on the amounts of alcohol consumption I will be having this year or if any for that reason. It's one day at a time, I am a born sinner but damnit I will become what I was created for. Love, Peace, Happiness is what I aim for and hope to give to others. I have to stay the course put all faith into a Higher power and be positive. Trust in God and He will show me better.. I just wanted to post something positive most of my posts are way too thought-out or depressing. Goodnight to you all

[russellxlove]

8/25/13

I'm back. Lets recap I have 2 jobs now. Well one job as currently little Caesars is playing me, idk why my manager is a dick. I was really hoping to work at Wells Fargo as a Bank Teller. I was supposed to graduate last spring I didn't. I've basically maxed out 3 credit cards to pay my 1st month of tuition here at school. I'm living with someone who is helping me out but I've secretly been plotting/hoping that I can move into a place of my own with ppl I'm comfortable with Me and my mom just aren't getting along. In order to explain the complexities in our relationship I would need to see a therapist for the next 6-10months. I'm not even joking. Idk if I'll be able to pay my next school tuition in September. I haven't been to mass in a month I was going just about every Sunday then surprise I freakin thought I could endure things on my own strength, NEWS FLASH I can't. I'm not sure if the friends I have will really be the friends I'll have in 5 years. Idk if I'll finish school as I'm 3 classes away from being done and it frustrates me so much. Right now at this juncture I have no control. I'm hoping to God that a miracle really does come my way I desperately need it. On the bright side I have clothes on my back, roof over my head, I have food, I believe I have a support system. And everyday I'm alive God believes in me. I have never had a more difficult time of living on Earth then this summer. Yet, I've endured everything alot of setbacks but I'm still trusting that God will freakin help me. If anyone ever reads this just know I'm voicing my concerns with all my posts, I'm not confident nor do I trust anyone enough to say these things other than God. Maybe because God won't judge and he loves me

[russellxlove]

I don't get it

I've been trying neglecting the greater picture but to no avail. I won't discuss any further details about this evening I have friends and plenty of enemies. Those enemies are guised as so called friends. I'm trying to refrain from being "me". I just not whatever THIS IS, cannot go on further. God Bless you all. 🙌

[russellxlove]

God is Good

I just wanna say thanks be to God. I got 2 jobs now and slowly things are picking up for me. Earlier this summer I was stranded and unsure of myself, still not sure. But I am sure that I trust Gods will and his driving in my life. I'm feeling grateful and happy that he's taking over

[russellxlove]

Stars in the sky

They say the stars in the sky are angels? Or maybe I made that up 😭 I'm currently on the 2nd floor balcony looking at the stars and I'm actually happy :). I'm smiling for no reason. I'm sober of course and I just feel good Feeling thankful Peace ✌Love ❤ and Happiness 😀 Goodnight, From Tae

[russellxlove]

We meet again ?

Back in a mood. Here's an update no luck on all fronts, personally for me. I think going to church has helped and prayer but it's not enough. Something truly is missing. The good: I really just don't panic anymore. The bad: I don't panic anymore. Double edge sword so how do I manage? I digress. I'm sitting on the 2nd floor balcony reflecting. IT'S WHAT I DO😩. You know there's a saying that goes,"everyday you're alive is another day you've been forgiven". Idk how much truth is in that but who knows. I'm just taking what life and what I've created for my life all in ah "accepted" motion.

[russellxlove]

Idk

I thought tumblr was a waist of time but if anything it's a journal. I went through my entire photos I saved so many memories on photos and videos. I've been happy with them. Between you and me(not that anyone sees this and I'm cool with that) I got nothin left in the tank but oddly enough I'm ok with that. Regardless of the failures and hurdles I've dealt with I'm existing. I have truly yet to share any gifts I was blessed with to the max with the rest of the world. I would like o point out I've had just 2 shots and probably more after this but anyways. What was I saying lol? Oh yeah, ME, DeVontae, and my gifts. The world is fickle but I'm gonna somehow change he exterior somehow and be what I strive to be. I really hope that as long as I'm forgiven and exude faith that not only will God show me favor but I will complement and exceed any expectations. I'm not happy by no means, and I'm not trapped by consequence. I hope by now if anyone should read this that they realize how "in-tune" I am with life. Btw, why does drake music make you emotional 😳 another thought for another time. I'll see you later. I hate good-byes as its an expression that this is the last time you will see me again and it isn't. Psalm 37:5 I'll probably end up adding this to my credo of self living

[russellxlove]

What else is new haaa

I'm struggling yet again. Lost my job because it was "too little too late", management likes me not my crew fam. 2 girls I truly believed I would be with block me from their life(I'm not even mad, I make it difficult to like me sometimes), I have to do an appeal to get fin. Aid again so I can graduate, I'm nowhere close to being a man that I want in my familia , with friends, or God. I have never been broken down then broken further in my entire life until this year. Idk depression but that along with anxiety is surely tearing me. I don't need an intervention but damn I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW WHAT I NEED. If I wake up it's bc I've been forgiven for yesterday and I'm not sure if I even care. I have faith in God but not myself. Even worse I didn't get to do the journalism internship I was so hoping to learn from and prosper in, still don't know why. Plenty failures, little success of perseverance. I really hope something will save me from this dark and painful attitude of mind. Oh well let me continue on my road wherever it takes me,

[russellxlove]

Upset with the outside forces

I ate shit tonight long boarding. I ended screaming and yelling like I was shot 10 times. I ended letting some tears of anger, sadness, and pain out. The whole screwing my shoulder and back up decently cause all of those kept emotions to come out. I made this tumblr just so I can have a journal diary if you will to release these emotions no one knows. I'm being tested by God from the sins I committed which I believe why this happened. I'm not sure if I believe in,"everything happens for a reason" it should be noted I do believe in that but beat believe you had to do something for that shit to happen for a "reason"! I'm out before I really just ranting and venting. In the end I've always just wanted to be happy safe and successful and I'll continue to wish an help those who deserve the same .. Goodnight

[russellxlove]

Successful Friends

I am greatful and envious of my friends success. First envy, because I myself have not attained the goals or accomplishments that I know I am capable of. 2nd these are my friends and 1 thing I pray for is their success in any endeavor they choose. I'm so happy for all you in new found jobs, love interests, Nd betterment of selves. I'm grateful for you all. I just hope my time comes and that I'm ready for it if I'm lucky and blessed

[yo-soyfiesta]

[russellxlove]

Cheah