phase 2 : open-system
Recent developments in my personal life have blast the blinders off my perception of reality.
I have initiated the process of moving my relationship with my partner of three or so years into an open one.
How did this start, you ask?
He was away with our son on vacation. I was left to my own devices. Sitting at work one Friday afternoon, I suddently felt a deep need for an exchange of sexual energy.
Immediately, I thought about downloading an anonymous sex chat -- no harm done, right?
So I did, and quickly linked up with a faceless avatar, coincidentally also here in Moscow.
The chat quickly escalated, ahem ahem, if you know what I mean, and I reawakened to a deep desire in myself to explore this sexual energy that I had not felt in so long.
The person I was talking to...let's call him Dima...was a good conversationalist, so our exchange went beyond the usual sex-chatty inuendos, but i shared with him details of my marriage, sex life, etc.
That night we decided to chat online, which quickly escalated to virtual fucking.
Without the gory details, I'll just say that sometimes a girl needs to get down and dirty. In this brief exchange I had quickly found a rekindled sense of playfulness, exploration and complete disintegration of bounderies.
Experiencing such a bright flash of emotions and physical pleasure, I realized that I was carrying around with me, ages of unexpressed sexual energy.
Through this unexpected connection, I suddenly felt renewed and whole, like the mother, wife, woman I wanted to be instead of the role I was used to playing.
When Anton, my husband called later that night, I told him, without details, that I had sex chatted. He seemed unphased, as he's used to my ever-expanding weirdness.
Little by little I started pushing further and further my sexual fantasies to Anton and Dima.
Dima, the innocent bystander in the whole situation, dutifully played into my desire for unbridalded, unstifled sexual play. We indulged in our deep secret fantasies, including group sex, and I started to truly recognize how much I not only wanted, but fundamentally needed this exploration.
By Sunday morning, when I woke up, I suddently had a clear understanding that I needed to go outside the bipolar relationship model in order to fulfill this deep desire.
Not to say that the sex with Anton was bad...quite the opposite, it was always better than the last, ever-growing, ever-deepening connection with a soulmate...but it could only be defined as love making, whereas what I needed was a good ol' hair-pulling, ass-slapping, spit-swapping fuck.
The benefit of my relationship with Anton is that we are first and foremost friends, so I never feel like I have to hide my innermost feelings and emotions. Plus he's patient and he's seen me at my best and worst of times and remained unwaveringly accepting of my crazy.
So I called him and told him what I wanted.
It took him about half a day to process the information. He wasn't dismissive, but he had some reservations.
However, later during the day he wrote back and said it was something he, too, was interested in pursuing.
And now, my friends, we are wading through open waters.
Having let go of the standard model of family, both of us are starting to open up to all of the subconscious attractions we have been harboring, but have been too scared to tell the other partner in fear of hurting their feelings.
This has not only reinvigorated our own sex life, but also has opened up our closed eco-familiar environment to receive new energies and people.
We'll see where all of this goes, but so far it's an experiment I absolutely committed to, to test the waters of my own limiting beliefs, sexual hang-ups, attachments and just to see where it goes.
One thing I know for sure though is that with this decision I feel much more empowered in terms of making my own decisions about my model of family and how I want to live.
I think I just unquestionably fell into the standard monogomous model, but at the core, feel that this does not correspond to my natural desire to explore and investigate human relationships, interactions and sex.
Some friends have accepted the change, some are deeply resistant and it's interesting to recognize my own previous unacceptance of such things in the eyes of others now.
Anyways, so far we have absorbed the theory, now it's time for practice. Tomorrow's my first non-marital fuck session. Wish me luck :)