I mustache you a question? Why are guys enamored with and girls repulsed by mustaches? I'm Italian, which is a condensed way of saying, "my five o' clock shadow is more like a 72 hour shadow." Seriously, if they made a Gillette Mach 27, I'd be the first one in line. Having chia-pet-level level beard growth is both a blessing, and a curse. On one hand, I have to shave everyday if I don't have a beard, and with the thickness that is only customary of Gaeta brand beards, shaving hurts. For me, shaving is somewhere between trying to cut off Bob Marley's dreads with a butter knife and waxing Robin Williams' chest-- no fun. However, I've also been blessed with a fleshy, hair-ridden palate, and damn it, sometimes I want to paint. Enter... Mustache. I've had beards of all shapes and sizes: the chin strap, the goatee, the goat, side burns that could slice deli meats, the Tony Stark (one of my personal favorites), and even the age old Abe Lincoln. The one facial hair style that I've always avoided was a highly controversial one: the mustache. As polarizing as it is deadly, as sexy as it is deviant, the mustache has been engrossing droves of men and creeping out ladies for years. I figured it was time for me to give it a shot (refer to awesome picture above). But why such a split between the sexes? The more I think about it, and considering my crash and burn mustache attempt, I think I've found the answer. Who's seen the movie Tombstone? Just as I thought, all three of you who are reading this. And out of the three of you, who thought Wyatt Earp and Doc Holliday-- and, well every male character for that matter-- was an awesome badass? Yes! That's because they were awesome badasses, and guess what, they all had mustaches. I think men associate mustaches with intensity and all around badassdom (yes, badassdom). It took us years before we could grow one, so mustaches are kind of a rite of passage and an attempt at said badassdom. Women, on the other hand, associate mustaches with completely different symbols. They hear mustache and they think of a man in a dilapidated ice cream truck hawking Hot Wheels to school kids, they think creepy. The girl I was dating at the time of my attempt at badassdom refused to kiss me until I shaved it off. As enticing as the mustache was, I caved. My upper lip has been freezing ever since. In my brief time with a mustache, I learned many things. Guys love them. All of my friends congratulated me on my shaving endeavor, even strangers were quick to give me the brief nod of approval or fist bump. However, girls hate them, and despite who you're talking to, nothing you say is taken seriously-- probably because you're walking around with a punchline attached to your face. The mustache hasn't been back since, but I'll never forget its warm, hairy embrace.